Match A Day 05.28.09: Week 7 – Trying Again and Again

Last Time on Match A Day:

Match #43 – Sunday, May 17th
30 Minute, Iron Tag Team Match: LAX vs. Chris Hero & Davey Richards vs. The Age of the Fall vs. Kevin Steen & El Generico
[ROH Return of the 187, October 2008]

First of all, I just want to say, 30-minute Ironman matches are a cop-out! That being said, as far as cop-outs go, I’m going to use one myself and say that I knew I was going to call my ‘girlfriend’ Suzy eventually. I may have been acting like I might not talk to her again in my previous columns, but these kinds of fights happen between us often (minus the slapping) so I knew it would only be a matter of time before we talked and things were back to normal. Thus, it was all the more surprising when I called her on Saturday and she did not answer. I know she has no friends, so she couldn’t have been out, even if it was a Saturday night, so she was just fucking around with me… I figured.

This Ironman Tag Team match also spent a good amount of time fucking around. With 30 minutes literally counting down and so many young, pumped up wrestlers involved, we were somehow subjected to an extended wear-down sequence, featuring 2-3 wrestlers, while the others (including the returning Homicide) stood on the apron, fresh and bored, for at least 15 minutes.

If this was a one hour, one-on-one match I could understand why some wear downs would be necessary, but this is a pretty short time (considering a good number of ROH main events go close to 30 minutes anyways), featuring 8 men and with the special stipulation that the final ten minutes would be Scramble Rules anyways (no tags needed). That weird rule kind of made this match like those old arbitrary WWF Tables Matches, where for some reason the teams would wrestle a regular match for the first 5-10 minutes and then all of a sudden it would become a no DQ, tornado tag match.

When Ironman rules are in play I think that should mean the wrestlers involved are going out there to show the full extent of their power, therefore if it was assumed that the meat of the match would be the final ten minutes of ‘scramble’, then when you’ve got eight wrestlers in a match like this, the whole thing should be Scramble Rules from the start. That would match the match a true, 4-team, test of endurance and efficiency. There was no reason to have an Ironman match here if there is no purpose for the ‘iron’ part of the match, meaning the big moves and pin/submission attempts, for all the competitors involved. In the end, this was an absolutely dumb main event that teased an overtime tie involving either the Sweet ‘n Sour team or AotF against the winners LAX, but it just fizzled out with too many sloppy pinfall attempts.

Nonsense of the Week: was the soon to be let go Gabe Sapolsky booking this match as an audition for TNA? This match along with the Death Before Dishonor VI 3-Way, Handicap Steel Cage Warfare from the previous week in ROH continuity were some of his most perplexing, complex writing attempts. While I fully respect that he was trying for something unique, it didn’t work and was a said way to finish such a phenomenal run with the company.

Match #44 – Monday, May 18th
Jun Akiyama vs. Naomichi Marufuji
[NOAH Northern Navigation, June 2008]

This was the first match of a lottery featuring six of NOAH’s main eventers who would randomly fight in singles matches on this night. First up in the oh-so-kayfabe randomness, Marufuji took on Akiyama for the first time, I believe, since taking the GHC Heavyweight title from him a few years ago (while NOAH does take their championships and ceremony ultra-seriously, they are not big on title rematches for some reason).

Some highlights of this exciting sprint included Akiyama doing that old DDT on the apron bit that Marufuji stuck like he was a shovel in dirt, and Akiyama winning following a series of exploders that Marufuji kicked out of only to finally succumb to the trademark wrist clutch exploder.

While Akiyama is still quiet successful as a singles competitor, he undoubtedly represents one of the last dominant old guard of the nineties Japanese scene, while Marufuji is a current young veteran who should probably be winning matches like this, especially given the historic struggle he made to elevate to heavyweight and beat Akiyama for NOAH’s premier title in 2006. Although, because you expect Marufuji to win, that makes the outcome and effort by Akiyama that much more interesting.

On a related note, I received an email on this day from a female student I once tutored. When I tutored her though, she was in high school, but this year she entered university. Wouldn’t it be nice to meet up with an old student? Especially a young woman of that age? Hmmm… It is shocking to imagine that young students you teach do grow up, and when they do, how are you supposed to interact with them? I know some examples of teachers and tutors who go out drinking with their former students and socialize and, yes, even date them. I have yet to respond to the email, or invitation to meet up, as it does seem a bit weird to me, but now that Suzy is seemingly out of the picture, I do have plenty of free time.

Match #45 – Tuesday, May19th
Akitoshi Saito vs. Takeshi Rikioh
[NOAH Northern Navigation, June 2008]

This is the second ‘randomly’ chosen match for this NOAH event from last summer. Not so surprisingly, both men match up quite well as super heavyweight, power wrestlers with a martial arts background. Also, both guys are pretty popular and sentimental favorites of the NOAH faithful (like me!).

Would you believe that the audience actually broke out into ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ from a simple vertical suplex by Saito on Rikioh? They then applauded raucously as he held the massive dude in the delayed suplex position.

Wow, I just misspelled suplex with three ‘ppp’s and no ‘x’ which was then instantly autocorrected to ‘supple’… Hmmm…

Anyways, check out this ever-so-youtube, metal guitar solo video made with scenes from this great match:

Match #46 – Wednesday, May 20th
Takeshi Morishima vs. Mohammed Yone
[NOAH Northern Navigation, June 2008]

In the final match of the one-night lottery, two tag team partners are pitted against each other. These days Morishima and Yone may be feuding in NOAH, but back in June of last year it was nearly impossible to imagine these two in a ring as anything other than championship partners.

You could see from the pained and intense look on Yone’s face during Morishima’s entrance that he really didn’t want to fight his long time tag team partner and then GHC Heavyweight Champion. Yone made no hesitation once the bell rang though, knowing obviously that he would have to catch his massive pal with some big kicks and suplexes early, and even went for a ill-advised, premature ‘Muscle Buster’ after gaining the initial advantage with his quick attacks. Didn’t last long, as soon Yone was displaying one of the best empty stares this side of Razor Ramon‘s sleeper hold facial expression, especially when the afro-ed one was in the corner taking multiple pressurized clotheslines and hip attacks to the face.

The ending followed a brisk and stunning series of moves, as Morishima recovered angrily from Yone using his own back drop ‘driver’ and then knocked him cold with a ferocious leaping clothesline. While I thought there would be some sense of sentimentality at the end of this match, Morishima was cold and basically disregarded Yone completely and just headed to the back.

Well, with the spirit of partnership so well ignored in this match, I decided to try calling Suzy again after watching this match. And yes, again, there was no answer. This was officially the longest I had now gone without talking to her in over a year.

Match #47 – Thursday, May 21st
King of the Ring Qualifying Match: Doink vs. Mr. Perfect
[WWF Superstars, May, 1993]

Check out this match and watch the ring tactician Mr. Perfect make no mistake early by singling out Doink’s thigh and attacking that big wacky wheel, so much so that he may have even secured a victory with a half-Boston Crab of all things…

That ending had a flurry of slaps, chops, and suplexing nears falls, that reminded me of just how much Ring of Honor was alive in the old WWF. And c’mon, a questionable time limit draw (10-15 minutes??), it’s like looking in the mirror, isn’t it ROH?

In the afternoon, I put on Guitar Hero Metallica and started to play a few songs, but it was frustrating because my arm had been a bit sore for a while, well not really sore, more like numb I guess. At first it was just around my left shoulder and I thought it was because I was sleeping on my side, but then ever since I got this new Guitar Hero I’ve been feeling some numbness right through to my fingers. This numbness went to a tingling pain and even some slight shaking in my pinky finger, and it got worse and worse the longer I played. It was extremely difficult for me to hit the fourth (blue) button, and nearly impossible to hit the 2 (red) and 4 combination. I was having particular trouble on the song ‘War Inside My Head’ by Suicidal Tendencies, but I wouldn’t/couldn’t stop and actually played the same song six straight times and failed to achieve higher than 3 stars every single time! I tried again and again, but it was no use, it just wasn’t happening… and this is on the Medium level! Loser! I’m gonna be demoted to scoring match clips with the guitar solo sounds on Garage Band in no time!

Match #48 – Friday, May 22nd
King of the Ring Qualifying Match Take 2: Doink vs. Mr. Perfect
[WWF Wrestling Challenge, May 1993]

I swear, my left shoulder and fingers were feeling much better this day, so when I put on Guitar Hero Metallica again and tried ‘War Inside My Head’ again, I bumped up to 4 stars on the first try! I was so shocked that I put on ‘Frantic,’ another song I’d been stuck at 3 stars for, and scored 5 stars! So trying again does pay off.

-Kirk Hammett I’m not

As for the second attempt for Perfect and Doink to qualify for the inaugural King of the Ring pay-per-view, Perfect went right back to work on the leg, and actually tied in an old school (and insensitively named) Indian Death Lock, along with whipping out some other classics like the leg grapevine, spinning toe hold, and the figure four. Doink, limping all the while, took Perfect to the floor and slammed his head methodically into the ring steps three times, before bringing him back into the ring and wearing down his arm with some wringers and arm bars (hey, maybe Doink has been sneaking in here at night and doing that to my Guitar Hero arm? That would explain everything!). Perfect started to get his juice back but left the leg work behind him and started throwing some very girlish slap punches Doink’s way, and Doink returns with some of his own. With Perfect’s always controversial groin hugging tights and Doink’s flamboyant costume, it kind of looked like a fight had broken out backstage at a rep performance of La Cage Aux Folles (again!). Thankfully the bell rang to signify yet another (ambiguously short) time limit draw!

Genius of the Week: Doink came to the ring eating a dirty old box of popcorn. Nothing but praise should be heaped onto the original ‘evil’ Doink and just how cool it was to have a dirty old clown sauntering to the ring, offering his popcorn to little children and then pulling away just at the last second.

Match #49 – Saturday, May 23rd
King of the Ring Qualifying Match Take 3: Doink vs. Mr. Perfect
[WWF Monday Night RAW, May 1993]

While watching Game 3 of the NBA Western Conference Finals game between Denver and Los Angeles, I thought about this series of matches between Doink and Mr. Perfect because of one obscure yet important NBA rule. Players in the NBA can accumulate ‘fouls’ in a game by breaking the rules of play, and a player is allowed to play with five fouls but is ejected from the game at six. Team fouls are also accrued as a way to penalize an entire team for making a lot of fouls, so for each quarter of play in the game a team can only commit six fouls in total before being penalized with automatic free throws by the other team for every subsequent foul. The NBA added a stipulation to this rule so when two minutes are left in the game, both team’s fouls are cleared and they get two remaining team fouls. This prevents teams with few fouls during the majority of the final quarter from slowing down the ending and just fouling on every possession of the ball. I like that the rules change in the final moments in order to promote excitement in the actual contest of the sport.

This peaks the wacky theorist in me to wonder what pro-wrestling would be like if a similar concept was invoked for time limit draws, especially television time limit draws, like the two previous matches. While those time limits were absolutely arbitrary and done purely to fill time and advance a small feud, I have a suggestion: what if in the final two minutes of a televised match, the referee only has to count the shoulders down for a count of two? This would make for more near falls and more intense ending sequences, as the wrestlers then would understand that the time is going to expire so they have a better chance of catching their opponent with a quick pin. This would add to the intensity of the ending, and make moves like the back slide and small package actually deadly, match ending moves. Unlike the ROH Ironman Tag Team match that fell apart as the time was winding down because the near falls were predictable and redundant, if the rules changed like this in the final two minutes, it would have given the performers the potential to create greater drama.

In the beginning of the match, they play off of Mr. Perfect’s towel as a foreign object, having Doink use it to choke Perfect and then rub his own balls with it before Perfect recovers and uses the towel to clothesline that clown. Then these two pick up exactly where the 2nd match left off, with a punch-slap slugfest in the middle of the ring, which Perfect wins and then returns to the familiar leg attacks that were keeping in him charge during their other outings. They effectively used elements from the previous matches, such as attacks on Perfect’s skull and some catch-as-catch-can mat work that showed a real sense of continuity.

And here’s how things ended:

Well, these guys tried three times to get a result, so I figured I might as well give Suzy’s number another try.

Well, this time she answered. She said hello but sounded very somber.

I asked her how she was doing. She responded with one word, ‘fine.’

Uncomfortable silence. Ugh.

“What’s the problem,” I almost shouted, “say something!”

“I’m pregnant.”

Holy fuck!