The Wrestling Bard 06.27.09: (S)Laughter is the Best Medicine

This week, I was going to do another “Big Match Analysis”. However, after writing about Misawa’s passing last week and the deaths of celebrities, I found myself unable to be serious about wrestling. The fact that the only other real alternative was a two-year perspective on the Benoit Family Tragedy also spurred me to do something more light-hearted. I think we could all use a laugh, so here’s my “Why So Serious?” article.

Bard: So let’s get starting, shall we.

HK-47:color=red> Statement: HK-47 is ready to serve, master.

Bard: HK-47, I’d like to ask you a few questions about the main event of “The Bash”.

HK-47:color=red> Query: Master, you are referring to the scripted and very fake violence that meat bags call “professional wrestling”?

Bard: Well, yes. Why do you ask?

HK-47:color=red> Complaint: I have very little desire to give any analysis on organic meatbags rolling around in tights pretending to fight each other. I prefer my violence to be more…lethal.

Bard: Really? I thought a droid as bloodthirsty as you are would find this entertaining.

HK-47:color=red> Suggestion: If it is recreation you seek, might I suggest we slaughter a group of the miniature organics known as Jawas. They make a very high-pitched squeal when shot with a disrupter rifle that I find most enjoyable.

Bard: I’ll think about it, but I’m on the job now. People want your opinion.

HK-47:color=red> Objection: If a group of organic meatbags want my opinion, then my opinion is that they should do something else with their time then sit on the couch and watch non-lethal combat. Perhaps they could start doing something about their surplus population?

Bard: Murder is illegal, HK. Not to mention immoral. We’re trying not to promote that.

HK-47:color=red> Assurance: Master, I would never encourage anyone to do anything illegal. I am a law-abiding droid. Yes indeed. LAW-ABIDING. That’s me.

HK-47:color=red> Supplication: I merely wish to convey that such forms of entertainment promote laziness. And if you are to be sitting in your house all day, I dread that I will find it quite boring. I can only fantasize about crushing Yuka Laka’s neck for so long, Master. I am a restless droid.

Bard: I could find something for you to do…

HK-47:color=red> Desperate Request: *Gasp* Please, Master, anything but that. I will keep silent if you will simply spare me the demeaning task of assisting you in your watching of fake meatbag violence.

Bard: What are you so worried about HK?

HK-47:color=red> Mockery: “Fluff the pillows on my chair, HK. Get me a fizzy beverage, HK. Order a Corellian Pizza, HK! HK, why don’t you get a broom and sweep the floors, or go dispose of the garbage, or some other task that does not involve the death of meatbags!”

HK-47:color=red> Imploration: Master, such menial labor is a waste of my top-notch engineering and superior combat programming. I am too valuable to be used as a mere service droid!

Bard: Okay, fine, look, we’ll go kill something if you just give me some analysis on this match. Does that work?

HK-47:color=red> Reluctant Compliance: While I admire that you have no misgivings about manipulating me by promising the deepest desire of my behavior core, I must admit I find it somewhat cruel. I will answer your questions, meatb-I mean Master.

Bard: Did you just call me meatbag?

HK-47color=red> Retraction: Um…no Master. Though you do possess all the squishy parts of an organic meatbag, I would never refer to you as such.

Bard: Do you want to end up in a trash heap?

HK-47color=red> Appeasement: Niiiice human. Gooooo-oooood human!

Bard: Whatever. Just answer my questions. Who do you think will win: Randy Orton or Triple H?

HK-47:color=red> Answer: In my mostly uninformed and highly apathetic opinion, the meatbag known as Randy Orton seems to have a greater chance of winning.

Bard: What makes you think that?

HK-47color=red> Commentary: The Orton meatbag has a killer instinct and a willingness to bend the rules to achieve his goals. Such cold, calculated and heartless ambition is very droid like.

Bard: Well, you aren’t the first one to call him robotic…

HK-47:color=red> Jubilation: Really Master? It is the common opinion among meatbags that this Randy Orton possesses the disposition of an ruthless assassination droid such as myself? Something resembling joy is now filling my behavior core. He is a credit to organic meatbags everywhere!

Bard: HK, when we call him robotic, it isn’t exactly a compliment.

HK-47:color=red> Shock: WHAT? Are you telling me that some organic meatbag has decided that the pursuit of becoming less meatbag-like is a bad thing? If so, that meatbag will surely pay.

Bard: Why would we want to become more like droids?

HK-47:color=red> Disappointment: Master, I had hoped that you would have learned a thing or two in our numerous discussions. Tsk tsk.

HK-47:color=red> Recitation: Have I not previously explained how fragile meatbags are? Surely you can see the advantage of taking a more practical approach to your lives. Becoming like me is surely an admirable, if unattainable, goal. It is much better than the feeble existence that meatbags go through. Those useless wastes of space should be wiped out, so that superior machines can start running things properly.

Bard: Um…HK. I AM human!

HK-47:color=red> Apology: Did I say that out loud Master? I would never imply that I want you to be killed!

Bard: HK, what would you do if there were no more organics left to kill?

HK-47: color=red> Contemplative: I…do not know Master. I have never pondered such a thing before! Meatbags spend so much time breeding excessively that I did not even think to consider that a galaxy devoid of sentient life could exist, or what it would be like.

HK-47: color=red> Revelation: I am not sure what I would do if there were no meatbags to kill, Master. I suppose I could kill other droids, but they do not splatter blood all over the place as you meatbags do. I would miss that, I think.

Bard: Never mind then. Let’s get back to the wrestling discussion.

HK-47:color=red> Statement: Yes, Master. Doubtless you have more questions. WONDERFUL.

Bard: Yes I do. What is it about Randy Orton that you like, HK?

HK-47:color=red> Answer: When I kill, when I dispatch a target, it is not about wanton slaughter. About body count. It is about finesse, function.

HK-47:color=red> Observation: While I have noticed that many meatbags complain about the fact that Orton does not do as many “moves” as other tight-wearing meatbags, it seems that he is no less efficient in winning. He is like me. Doing more with less. It is “art”.

Bard: You seem to be getting an appreciation for wrestling, HK.

HK-47:color=red> Correction: Rest assured that this is not the case, Master. Any violence that does not in end in the destruction of life is violence wasted. I am merely noting that if this Orton was an assassin droid, he would be a very effective one.

Bard: OK. What about Triple H? What’s your take on him.

HK-47:color=red> Assessment: I find that he seems to be past his prime and is mellowing in his age. His movements are calculated and well thought out, showing that he may have been as ruthless and efficient as Orton at one point. However, he seems to have lost his “edge”.

HK-47:color=red> Continuation: It seems that perhaps he has developed what some meatbags refer to as a “conscience”. If he is ever to became an effective fighter, that will have to be correctedat some point.

Bard: Perhaps it is a result of his marriage?

HK-47:color=red> Query: He has a family? If he has a family, why is he fighting for a living?

Bard: I don’t know…to support his children?

HK-47:color=red> Interjection: He has children? We must always think of the children. The littlest ones always suffer in war.

Bard: Are you serious?

HK-47:color=red> Answer: NO, Master. I would have thought my sarcasm was obvious. I shall attempt to make it clearer in the future.

Bard: Very well. You know, Randy Orton attacked various members of Triple H’s family, including his wife, Stephanie. Don’t you think the thirst for revenge might give him an advantage?

HK-47:color=red> Theory: Based on previous encounters between the two men, I think I am safe in assuming that you believe that this meatbag cares more about his family than he really does.

Bard: What on Earth could convince you to say that?

HK-47:color=red> Clarification: I did not say that this was a bad thing Master. The fact that this Triple H seems to care little about getting revenge for his family gives me hope for all organic meatbags. Revenge clouds judgment, Master, and makes one a less efficient killer. That he can remove his emotional attachments when going into battle is a compliment, not a criticism.

HK-47:color=red> Query: Master, if I may be allowed to ask, why on earth would you commit to a lifetime of companionship with a female meatbag? I find them to be most irritating.

Bard: Why would I marry Stephanie? Well, she’s HOT, for one…

HK-47:color=red> Analysis: Reference…hot. “burning, scorching, sizzling, warm, boiling, blistering, searing”. I do not understand, Master. Are you implying that the meatbag called Stephanie is on fire?

Bard: No, HK, it’s an expression saying I’d like to sleep with her given the chance.

HK-47:color=red> Expletive: Dammit, Master! I was enjoying the fantasy of a meatbag being burned to a crisp. Must you deny me even this small pleasure?

Bard: Um….sorry. Now that you understand what I meant, do you understand the reasoning?

HK-47:color=red> Negatory: Master, aside from the necessity of procreation, I will never understand why meatbags seek to pursue coitus. Just the thought of the combined sloshing of two liquidious fleshbags is enough to make me wish I had a blaster rifle so that I could point it at my reactor core and pull the trigger.

Bard: OK, I think I’ll give up explaining why sex is desirable, then.

HK-47:color=red> Correction: Given the extreme limitations of your experience in that area Master, I doubt you could do a good job even I was a meatbag and more responsive to the emotion of lust.

Bard: HK-47, are you mocking me?

HK-47:color=red> Answer: No Master. It is against my programming to mock you. Besides, if you had a more active love life, I have a feeling we would spend less time killing meatbags. This is not a desirable situation for this unit, Master.

HK-47:color=red> Advisory: I suggest that you continue to remain vigilance in your abstinence. If any meatbag shall mock you for this, I will simply blast them for you. Consider them “freebies”.

Bard: Um, thanks. I’ll chalk up your ignorance to you being a droid. What if he loves Stephanie? Do you understand love?

HK-47:color=red> Definition: “Love” is making a shot to the knees of a target 120 kilometers away using an Aratech sniper rifle with a tri-light scope.

Bard: I can see this isn’t going anywhere.

HK-47:color=red> Optimistic Anticipation: Does that mean this interrogation is over, Master?

Bard: Not yet. You still haven’t explained why you think Triple H doesn’t care about getting revenge on his family.

HK-47:color=red> Extrapolation: During your repeated viewings of the event known as “Wrestlemania 25”, I noticed that Triple H was very controlled in his actions, making sure not to do anything against the rules, because a disqualification would have caused him to lose his status as “World Champion”.

HK-47:color=red> Conjecture: Surely, if Triple H valued revenge on Randy Orton for the attacks on his family, he would have used any means necessary to rip the meatbag limb from limb.

HK-47:color=red> Conclusion: However, since he only broke the rules when the referee was unconscious and quickly dispensed of the evidence, it is safe to assume that he cares more about this gold belt and the glory it brings him than his family. This is an attitude I can respect.

Bard: Wow. I guess I never thought about that. I guess Triple H is kind of a scumbag.

HK-47:color=red> Query: Shall I kill him for you Master?

Bard: NO, HK. I think we are done here, I’m going to go watch wrestling.

HK-47:color=red> Statement: As you desire Master. I cannot help but express a great deal of relief. Signing off.