Match A Day 02.03.10: Week 42 – I Am Mr. Perfect

Previously on Match A Day:

Mr. Perfect was obviously not straight edge, but he defined ‘perfection’ in my eyes as an adolescent. I didn’t have the luxury of a role model like CM Punk at the time, but guys like Roddy Piper, Bret Hart and Mr. Perfect all stood out as experts in pro-wrestling that I idolized in some way. Little did I know, none of them turned out to be as perfect in their real lives, but that’s what makes a DVD retrospective like this one so special, it captures just the pure, in-ring persona of the artist, like a sculpture or painting that doesn’t require a modernist reading. While Mr. Perfect the man wasn’t really as perfect as, say me, he was a fantastic pro-wrestler and I’m happy to journey through some of the highlights of his career once again.

Match #283 – Sunday, January 10th
AWA Title Match: Nick Bockwinkel vs. Curt Hennig
[AWA, November 1986]

This 60-minute draw is a kind of re-discovered classic that you hear a lot about these days, yet I’m not sure I’d put it on a list of the best time limit draws I’ve ever seen. Still, it’s a good match and definitely great to see the early maturation of Hennig as he’s given a good epic to sink his teeth into.

One of the best parts of the whole match is during the final five minutes, Hennig covers Bockwinkel while he is face down and the referee actually gives a one count before realizing. Is it crazy to think you should be able to get a pinfall on a wrestler who is face down? Why not? I think that would be a pretty cool innovation today.

Match #284 – Monday, January 11th
Curt Hennig vs. Terry Taylor
[WWF Wrestlefest, July 1988]

A pretty good short match that re-introduced a more seasoned Hennig into the WWF just prior to taking on the Mr. Perfect gimmick. I don’t think there was a single rest hold in this 8 minute match, and it actually ended with a Hennig-patented ‘Axe’ lariat for the win.

Of particularly annoyance was the WWE DVD commentary by Michael Cole and Mick Foley. Instead of talking about a single moment of action in the match, Cole just grills Foley about his experiences with Henning, and any other insights he might have into the man’s career. WWE does this often on their DVD sets, but is it necessary? The match becomes basically wallpaper for a radio interview about the man in the spotlight, and thus seems like a waste of time to me. Sure, while not a classic, as part of the perfect Hennig experience it would be nice to see the match in its original format.

Match #285 – Tuesday, January 12th
Bret ‘Hitman’ Hart vs. ‘Mr. Perfect’ Curt Hennig
[WWF MSG, April 1989]

Awesome match up, and yet another draw for Hennig on this DVD (let alone the first of three matches against Hart). Both men were young and super sharp at this point in their careers, and excellent at performing all moves and transitions of pain and momentum in the ring. I think a strong argument could be made that this draw is even better than their SummerSlam match up.

I loved to draw when I was 13. My dream was to become a comic book artist. I used to take drawing classes at the local library with a bunch of other kids my age. The teacher was some rocker who was good at doing Eddie pictures but that was about it. One day, after the break, the kid who was sitting beside me came back smelling like smoke. I asked him what happened, and he excitedly told me that the teacher gave him and a bunch of the other students cigarettes, and then said that I should come with them next time. Well, I wasn’t about to listen to a what a kid with a rat tail thought was cool, and although I was ostracized from that group of kids for the rest of the course, watching them as they grew up around town and hung out in the teenage smoking spots at mall parking lots and the backs of convenience stores, I was proud that I didn’t follow the crowd that day.

Match #286 – Wednesday, January 13th
WWF Title Match: Hulk Hogan vs. Mr. Perfect
[WWF MSG, January 1990]

You couldn’t ask for a better one-two punch to showcase your skills as a professional wrestler than a time limit draw against a young Bret Hart and then a World Title match against Hulk Hogan in his prime, both at Madison Square Garden. Just a great match for Perfect (although the incredibly annoying and biased commentary by Hillbilly Jim was at least offset a bit by the fantastic poem from The Genius to start the proceedings), who weathers a phenomenonal storm by Hogan in the opening minutes that makes the audience think this will be a squash, and then slows down to a good pace for about 15 minutes until ending with that dummy Hogan getting disqualified for using the foreign object that Perfect had introduced into the match.

When I was 16 my mother smashed a plate over my head. She had been pretty normal when I was younger, but I think the pressure of being a single mom with three kids started to wear her down, or something, I’m not sure exactly, but by the time I was in my early teens she had become a pretty serious heroin addict. Luckily I had an older brother who pretty much shielded my sister and I from what was going on, but when I finally put the pieces together at 16, I gathered up all of her stuff and tossed it in a dumpster. She was furious, as you could imagine if you’ve ever stepped between a junkie and their fix (no offense mom), and that’s why she hit me with that plate. But I wasn’t angry, I didn’t fight back or yell, I just stayed calm and weathered the storm. Thankfully, we got her some help soon after that, but it was a more startling lesson to me than any wrestling match that even the good guys can get disqualified.

Match #287 – Thursday, January 14th
Intercontinental Title Match: Texas Tornado vs. Mr. Perfect
[WWF MSG, November 1990]

Not on par with the quality of the previous matches on this DVD set, but elevated by the absolutely outstanding performance by Roddy Piper as guest referee. Too bad there wasn’t a match between Perfect and Piper to follow this one up.

Since we’re on the topic of Mr. Perfect, it’s time I brought up the elephant in the room: the bulge in Perfect’s trunks!

I know I’ve talked about this when watching other Mr. Perfect matches in the past, but after so many in a row, something just has to be said! Now, I’ve never worn spandex wrestling trunks before, but I would have to imagine that they are highly constrictive and tight. Wearing brief underwear is considered to be unhealthy compared to boxers, so possibly wearing wrestling trunks everyday can’t be great for letting the cock and balls breath. As a man who obviously doesn’t want to tuck down, maybe Hennig had the perfect idea for penis health by shoving it to the side or pointing it upwards in his trunks. Regardless, all I know is that it’s incredibly distracting sometimes, and really something I don’t want to see.

From the documentary feature on this DVD, you learn that Hennig was (yet another) wrestler who loved to “rib” so I wonder if Perfect’s constant brash display of cock in most of his matches was a joke or the man just liked to leave it out there for the world to see. Of course, due to the sensitivity of fanboys about the homosexual overtones of pro-wrestling, this kind of thing is rarely discussed, but I think it’s time someone stood up and acknowledged what was going on here! Maybe by finally talking about this in the open we can discourage wrestlers today (ah hem…. D’Lo Brown…) from making the same mistake.

Match #288 – Friday, January 15th
Intercontinental Title Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Mr. Perfect
[WWF SummerSlam, August 1991]

Not the most spectacular match, but fun enough considering the lame count-out finish. Mr. Perfect was obviously not the same crisp and high-energy wrestler he had been years earlier, but he could play along with a solid partner. Sadly, this was not the Shawn Michaels you wanted to see in the ring with Perfect, rather it was the big-assed, high-pants-waist-ing, sluggish HBK of the early nineties.

When I was 19, I noticed that a lot of my friends were starting to get big asses too. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that since they were now all of legal drinking age (in Canada) they were spending more time at bars and less time at home getting high. I, of course, was a great athlete, playing volleyball and basketball competitively throughout the year, and running everyday, so I was in awesome physical shape. Seeing the fattening of the asses on those young guys, and the increasingly disgusting chicks they were able to date because of it, and all those dingy bars they were hanging out in, was just more proof that my decision to go straight edge was a good one.

Match #289 – Saturday, January 16th
Curt Hennig vs. Bret Hart
[WCW Uncensored, March 1998]

While not a terrible match, certainly it is a depressing one. To see both of these men who had such great careers in the WWF, now floundering on some horrible WCW event in a meaningless match was sad enough, but then to see the many mis-timed moves (particularly the hip tosses that they just couldn’t seem to pull off correctly) and the slow, awkward pace compared to their prior WWF matches has to be admittedly depressing to anyone who was fan of Hart or Perfect.

Certainly the wrestling world lost Mr. Perfect way too early. I’m sure that in today’s world of horrendously dull heel color commentary, the highly underrated announcing skills of Perfect could have kept him in business well past his days in the ring.

A great DVD, and a great wrestler who is sorely missed.

One week ago, I walked in on my houseguest Eddie smoking hash in my room, and I was pissed. He didn’t understand what the big deal was, but he could see that I was seriously upset so he promised not to do it in the house. The only problem is, hash and all recreational drugs are highly illegal and not tolerated in South Korea. Even if one of my neighbors catches a whiff of something strange they would call the cops, so obviously he can’t just go outside and smoke in a dark corner on the street either (especially in the super winter this year), so I’m suspicious of exactly what he’s up to when I’m not around, and how long he’s planning on staying.