News From Cook’s Corner 02.03.10

How does Ari greet me?

HE CUTS MY FREAKING HEAD OFF WITH A SWORD!

A SWORD!

WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

I mean, who cuts somebody’s head off with a sword in pro wrestling? There are certain things you don’t do, and I’m pretty sure that’s on the list! What’s the deal, Ari? You’re not still mad about the whole Death Rey thing, are you? Even if you are, that was still unnecessary!

Good thing the 411 doctors managed to get my head and sew it back on top of my body before it was too late. I don’t ask how they were able to do such a thing, because it sounds medically impossible. It still feels sore as hell though. But when the time is right, Ari…I will have my revenge.

Oh yes.

But for now we’ll cover all the latest news that’s fit to print, and some that probably isn’t!

Beth Phoenix was the first female entrant in the Royal Rumble since Chyna, and even managed to eliminate Great Khali during her cup of coffee in the match. I will list this among the positive effects that the Corner has had on equality since its return to 411. The others include…

Well, I’m sure I’ll think of some eventually.

Chris Jericho & Gregory Helms got arrested right in my backyard last week! Well, not literally in my backyard, but not too far from it. I was a little surprised the local media outlets in Northern Kentucky didn’t contact me for my reaction, but then I remembered that the local media outlets kinda suck. You all know the details of the incident by now…Jericho appeared on a couple of Cincinnati radio stations yesterday morning to make fun of the incident, bash TMZ for making too much out of it, and plug Fozzy’s new CD.

Jericho’s been going after TMZ since they reported this story, and while I don’t blame him for wanting to defend himself, he has to know that TMZ’s role in the media is to cover the misdeeds of people like him. And as the Tiger Woods saga proved to those who were previously unaware, they’re better at it than a lot of people out there. The way I see it, if you’re a public figure and you want people to be interested in what you’re doing, you have to make sure that you’re not doing things that can get you in trouble. Eventually you’ll get caught. Ask the coach of my university’s basketball team. Bashing the media for making too big a deal of it just makes you come off as whiny. Own up to what you did, move on and make yourself better for the experience.

The true moral of this whole story is that nothing good ever happens at 4 AM. And if you insist on being a drunk hooligan, at least go somewhere you’ll blend in. Being a resident of Northern Kentucky, I can tell you that there isn’t much interesting going on after hours. We rarely have murders, so the police has to keep themselves busy somehow. Usually they pick on drunks. That’s just how it is. And if you’re a celebrity forget about it, because there’s nothing they love more than taking celebrities down to the station. Ask the Cincinnati Bengals.

That all being said, I love the cops here. Great people. Couldn’t be better citizens and friends to humanity.

Jericho can afford to make fun of the whole thing because he’s Chris Jericho and pretty much untouchable by his employers. Gregory Helms, on the other hand, might be finding himself in a bit more trouble. Apparently the po-po found a soma in his possession…they didn’t charge him with anything, but some think that WWE might punish him for it, even though it was apparently prescribed. I can’t say that for sure, but I can say that the Hurricane was not used on Tuesday night’s ECW taping…backstage interviewer Gregory Helms got destroyed by Ezekiel Jackson & William Regal. But hey, at least Christian stood up for him, which makes sense because it was CM Punk and himself that posted bail for Helms & Jericho.

Now here’s a question: How come the Erlanger police was able to prove the identity of the Hurricane, and Paul Burchill wasn’t? Shouldn’t he get his job back or something?

Hey, did you see that Edge returned at the Royal Rumble? Yeah, he even won it, which I really should have seen coming but didn’t even think of. I like it when they do that. I also like it when William Shatner does this:

As I told Geoff Eubanks, that was the greatest moment in the history of our sport.

And you know, when I saw Sheamus out there as WWE Champion addressing the crowd & Edge, I forgot that he’s albino.

ECW is no more! It shall be replaced in its SyFy timeslot in three weeks by what’s being referred to as WWE NXT (pronounced “next”), which will showcase the next generation of WWE stars. While this is pretty similar to what ECW was doing anyway, I think WWE is doing the right thing by letting the ECW brand ride off into the sunset after years of extreme fun. NXT is kinda catchy, and you can chant “NXT World Champ!” at the champion. Good times.

Next week’s Smackdown tapings scheduled for New Orleans have been moved to Baton Rouge in order to hold a parade for the New Orleans Saints. So you’re telling me that New Orleans can handle only one drunken celebration a day? Expect Vince McMahon to cut promos on Saints owner Tom Benson next week that only he thinks are funny. Since Benson’s name isn’t as funny as E. Stanley Kronke‘s, I don’t know what Vince will be using as material.

Antonio Inoki will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame this year, and making the speech will be none other than Stan Hansen. I thought Hansen was an All Japan guy for most of his career, so I can only assume that Vince McMahon was given a list of people who’d spent most of their career in Japan and were able to speak English and Hansen was the only name he recognized. In any event, it’s nice to see WWE honor one of the true legends of pro wrestling…whether you liked Inoki’s in-ring work or not, the bottom line is that the guy was a legend.

If you’re going to the WM festivities and see Inoki, you need to get him to give you a FIGHTING SPIRIT SLAP. I would, but I’m not going all the way to Arizona to do it.

Joey Mercury/Matthews is set to return to WWE in the very near future after retiring in 2008 due to various injuries. Well, they need somebody to carry the John Morrison DVDs from show to show. Seriously though, Matthews is a good hand and he could find a good home on Superstars or ECW to have matches with the kids they’re bringing up. Or they could just team him with Morrison…but they’d need to find a chick with an N name to manage them. Natalya already has a team.

You know who had an interesting week? The Honky Tonk Man! He turned down admission into the WWE Hall of Fame because he felt he could make more money doing other things. One of those other things, apparently, was TNA. Honky reported that he was in talks with the company, but if Eric Bischoff’s comments during his State of TNA address are any indication, Honky won’t be appearing with the company anytime soon.

What went wrong?

Well, I have no idea if these two things are connected or not, but I desperately hope they are. Apparently during the filming of some shoot interview thingy Lacey Von Erich was doing with Missy Hyatt, she prank called Honky Tonk as Dixie Carter’s secretary and offered him a spot with TNA. I have to admit that raises my opinion of Lacey quite a bit. And I really, really hope that Honky thinks he’s in talks with TNA because Lacey Von Erich prank called him. That would be tremendous.

Anyway, Honky posted a statement on his website apologizing to Johnny Ace (who pushed for Honky’s inclusion in the HOF) and putting him over for being a jam-up guy.

Linda McMahon has already spent 6.5 million dollars on her Senate campaign. Most of my audience will likely not spend 6.5 million dollars in their whole life. Doesn’t that depress you just a little bit?

Rob Terry is your new TNA Global Champion. Some people are up in arms about this, but they don’t realize that not only does the Global Championship not really mean anything, but this got TNA all sorts of press coverage in the UK. So the downside here is…what?

Bret Hart had dinner with Jeremy Borash and other TNA people. Expect him to debut with the company in September.

I’m kidding. Or am I? Hmmmmmmmmm.

In more evidence that Kevin Nash is awesome, he did a sex scene with April Hunter for indie filmmaker Shawn Cain’s next Ultimate Death Match movie. The movie also features Scott Hall, Sean Waltman, Sabu, Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, Al Snow and Shane Douglas, so I have no idea what to expect from this. If they’re all gang-banging April Hunter I don’t know if this is the greatest or the most disturbing thing ever caught on film. Probably the latter, now that I think about it.

Kind of quiet on the TNA front. There was some stuff from Hogan & Bischoff’s State of TNA address that was kind of interesting, but I’m not even sure how to react to it. Abyss as the next John Cena? I don’t see it.

Eric Bischoff has enjoyed working with Vince Russo! Well, that’s very disappointing. I, for one, was hoping for fireworks and maybe even fisticuffs. People getting along isn’t nearly as fun to write about, you know?

Bona fide wrestling legend Jack Brisco passed away on Monday at the age of 68. Jack was the NWA heavyweight champion from July 1973 until December 1975, and had what many old-timers will tell you was the greatest in-ring wrestling rivalry of all time with Dory Funk Jr. He was considered by most to be the finest technical wrestler of his era, undoubtedly drawing from his background as an NCAA wrestling champion. He spent his whole career as a headliner everywhere from his home state of Oklahoma to Australia and back. Brisco spent most of the later portion of his career teaming with his younger brother Jerry, forming one of the most decorated tag teams of all time.

Perhaps the greatest impact Jack had on the wrestling business outside of his run as NWA champion and rivalry with the Funk family was his decision, along with brother Jerry and other sharehholders, to sell their shares of the Georgia territory to Vince McMahon in 1984, resulting in the WWF taking over Georgia Championship Wrestling’s timeslot on TBS for a year before selling to Jim Crockett. Had it not been for Brisco’s decision, who knows what shape the 1980s wrestling wars might have taken. The Briscos went to the WWF and immediately started feuding with tag team champions Adrian Adonis & Dick Murdoch…but one day in the wintertime Jack got tired of all the snow and told his brother he was going home. He never wrestled again, spending most of his post-wrestling life running a very successful body shop. Jerry still works for WWE, though he has also had medical problems recently.

I haven’t had the opportunity to watch many Brisco matches, but what I have seen was good. I’ll recommend the Brisco Brothers vs. Steamboat/Youngblood from Starrcade 83, and Ric Flair’s second DVD set has a match with Jack from 1982 that’s good stuff. I’m sure YouTube has some good stuff too, but I really haven’t had time to investigate.

Instead, I’ve been preoccupied with settling disputes between independent wrestling companies and various wrestlers. Indeed, it’s been a pretty busy week in…

Baliff: All Rise! The Honorable Steven Kennedy Cook now presiding!

Cook: Please be seated.

Baliff: Case number 469-8008: Ring of Honor vs. Richard Morgan Flehir. Speaking for Ring of Honor, Mr. Cary Silken, and speaking for Mr. Flehir, Mr. Richard Morgan Flehir.

Cook: Mr. Silken, state your case.

Silken: Judge Cook, Ric Flair was scheduled to make at least five appearances for my promotion in 2009. We were to pay him $10,000 per appearance, but as it turned out he did not make an appearance at a show in Montreal as he had agreed to. Furthermore, Mr. Flair had agreed to appear at our television tapings in Philadelphia, PA and serve as an authority figure. He served in this role at one set of tapings, then at the second event he told us that he was returning to World Wrestling Entertainment and would be unable to continue his services for us.

Cook: So what’s the problem?

Silken: We had given Ric an advance on his pay as he had requested, because he was going through some financial difficulties at the time. He never paid us back for the appearances he was scheduled to make that he didn’t.

Cook: And the amount would be?

Silken: $10,000 for the Montreal show, and $35,000 for the TV appearances he did not make.

Cook: I see. Mr. Flehir, your rebuttal?

Flair: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MEANNNNNNNNNNNNNN STEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE!

Cook: I’ll request you refer to me as Judge Cook, Mr. Flehir.

Flair: Let me tell you something, Judge Cook! This ain’t no garden party, brother, this
is wrestling, where only the strongest survive! That’s what these guys gotta understand! I only work for the best, and these guys ain’t it, Jack!

Cook: But you agreed to work for them, right?

Flair: Well…

Cook: Mr. Silken, you should have known better than to trust this man. He is an old school worker, who will trick you any way he possibly can. I don’t know what you were thinking advancing him all of that money.

Flair: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Cook: On the other hand, Mr. Flair, you need to pay these fine gentlemen their money back. See if you can get Panda Energy to do it.

Flair: Fine. Can I hit the strip club and meet my next five wives now?

Cook: Mr. Flehir, you may leave. Mr. Silken, I’ll ask you to stay, and ask the other parties in our next case to come in.

Baliff: Case number 867-5309: Dragon Gate USA & Evolve Wrestling vs. Davey Richards, Nick Jackson, Matt Jackson & Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. Speaking for Dragon Gate USA & Evolve Wrestling, Mr. Gabe Sapolsky, and for Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, Ms. Dixie Carter.

Cook: OK, I’ve read over the facts of this case and it’s a complete mess. Mr. Sapolsky, would you care to state your cases?

Sapolsky: Yes. In the middle of 2009 I teamed with the promoters of the Dragon Gate promotion in Japan to form Dragon Gate USA. We put on what many feel were the two best professional wrestling shows of 2009, and are scheduled to put on two more classic shows at the end of March in Phoenix, Arizona. We advertised Davey Richards & the Young Bucks as being part of those shows, but now they will not be because ROH has signed Davey to a contract and TNA has signed the Bucks to contracts.

Cook: So in other words ROH & TNA stole them away. That’s what you’re saying, right?

Silken: Judge Cook, we at ROH were willing to allow Davey to work both our shows and the Dragon Gate shows if he so desired.

Sapolsky: YOU’RE INTERRUPTING ME! STOP INTERRUPTING ME!

Cook: Mr. Silken, he has a point. As it turns out, your organization is not part of this case. Which I find to be somewhat odd because I don’t think TNA did anything differently than you did in this matter. Mr. Sapolsky, could you explain to me why you’re pursuing legal action against these people?

Sapolsky: We advertised Davey & the Bucks as appearing at our shows. They agreed to appear.

Cook: Did they sign anything?

Sapolsky: No, bu-

Cook: Then you’ve got nothing. Verbal contracts mean nothing in indy wrestling, Mr. Sapolsky. You know that. I’m sure you’ve promised plenty of wrestlers things that you didn’t deliver. What if they all chose to sue you?

Sapolsky: Well, I-uh-er-ummmmmmmmmm…

Cook: What the hell are you suing these kids for anyway? Mr. Richards said in his blog that there’s no money in indy wrestling. Where are they going to find the money to pay for this legal nonsense?

Sapolsky: YOU SHUT UP! I’M THE GREATEST BOOKER THAT EVER LIVED! DRAGON GATE IS THE GREATEST PROMOTION EVER! ASK MELTZER, CSONKA, DUNN, EVERYBODY EVER! I WILL RULE INDY WRESTLING WITH AN IRON FIST!

Cook: Security, get this idiot out of here.

Sapolsky: WHAT?

Cook: Case dismissed.

Sapolsky: DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

Cook: I know you’re just trying to get attention for yourself so you can draw a crowd and get the Internet behind you. Unfortunately for you, nobody cares. Richards signed with ROH? The Bucks went to TNA? Good for them, hopefully they’ll do well there. You need to move on and find some other talent to wrestle for you. Get out of my courtroom.

Carter: Excuse me, Judge Cook? Do I get to say anything?

Cook: Ms. Carter, this case is closed, but I’ll invite you to join me in chambers. All right, case dismissed! *bangs gavel*

See? If these people would just take their cases to me I’d finish things ASAP with very little complication. It’d be much simpler than going to a real judge and trying to explain all of this nonsense to them.

The Rs are in full effect, yo.

Hubbard lists his top ten Hulk Hogan matches. Hogan vs. Michaels ruled, I don’t care what anybody says.

Csonka watched the Royal Rumble and had a take on it.

Gerretsen talks about the Truth Commission. I thought I was the only one left that remembered that angle.

Byers mourns the end of HUSTLE. I can only hope that Yingling the Exotic Terrorist found a new home.

And in our AJ Grey post of the week, Katy Perry has boobs. I’m told there’s more to her than that, but I’ve yet to investigate the rest of it.

Well, that’s all for this week…oh yeah, check me out on Fact or Fiction and Buy or Sell! That’s right, it’s a triple shot of Cook this week…how did you guys get so lucky? Tomorrow I’ll talk about Edge, Honky Tonk Man & the whole Jeircho/Helms/Hardy saga, and on Friday you can catch me talking some Death Haze, Aries vs. Liger & the ROH TV title. There aren’t too many people who can do such a thing…but as it turns out, I am one of the select few. Aren’t you lucky?

JP Prag has the news tomorrow, and I’ll be back next week with more News From Cook’s Corner! Until then…