The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 03.09.10

Who’s excited for some rasslin’? Considering you won’t be reading this until after the Monday Night War kicks off again, there’s probably a good chance that the buzz is gone. As for me, I am currently writing this at 7:30pm Monday night and have to say that I am curious as to what will indeed happen. Now let’s be serious – tonight is not nearly as exciting as the battle in January. Back then, it was TNA’s first shot at Mondays and the WWE Empire. Tonight, it’s the first of many scheduled weeks. Plus, I liked TNA’s venture much more when they began at 8pm as it gave me three-hours of wrestling to watch. But that was then… this is now… this is a 100% WWE night for me. And no, it’s not just because I am a WWE homer; rather, my hotel room that I am staying at does not have Spike TV. So don’t blame me kids for not caring nearly as much about the monumental showdown – blame the good people at Marriott (whom I love).

Seriously, they bake cookies. And have Belgian waffles. What else could you really ask for?

Wait for it…

Wait for it….

Yes, yes….

I do not talk, I am just a rapper.

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome back to the only news report that’s just like a sprained ankle, it ain’t nothing to play with. Literally, remember? It was only a week ago. Well in that week’s time, my ankle decided to flare up only twice before I finally decided to rest for the weekend. Thanks to a healthy dosage of Dante’s Inferno (great game if only for the fact that I now know that babies come out of women’s nipples), some really shitty movies (seriously, Dragonball: Evolution > Year One), and my first viewing of WrestleMania 24 since I saw it live, only then did my ankle become almost normal looking. Well except for the massive amounts of bruises which cover my foot. I would almost say that my “black” foot would give that butler from Mr. Deeds a run for his money, but he’s way too sneaky for me. All in all, I’d say my ankle is currently around 65%. Just remember to keep sending your emails (and any donations) to [email protected] because with your support, I will be 100% in no time.

In today’s news report, we will take a look at the 2011 Hall of Fame, the WWE’s biggest losers, the Royal Rumble buyrate, who’s preggers, any TNA news that’s relevant after Monday’s show, and my yearly look at the WrestleMania bubble.

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

How Low Can They Go?

From the Observer, “Since next year’s WWE Hall of Fame and WrestleMania will be the 10-year anniversary of the company putting WCW out of business and will take place from WCW’s former home of Atlanta, early talk within WWE is that they will be going with a WCW theme for the Hall of Fame.

Because of the trouble WWE has had with finalizing the Hall of Fame this year, they are already talking about plans for next year’s Hall. Sting’s name has come up to go with the WCW theme but obviously his status with TNA will play a factor. Other names that have been discussed include Lex Luger, Ron Simmons, The Road Warriors and the Steiner Brothers.”

Well I know what JP will be doing the Saturday before WrestleMania. And if you said peanut butter jelly time, you would be correct. Actually seeing as JP is the biggest WCW mark I’ve ever met, there’s no doubt that he will be in attendance for the HOF. In fact, he probably has a joner (jewboner) at this moment. Oh come, joner is way better than joodie or even jerection.

You called?

No I didn’t. And no, you won’t be inducted into next year’s HOF. Just do me a favor and stay away from Orlando for the next few months. Thanks.

Anyway, as for a potential lineup including Lex Luger, Ron Simmons (as long as he does not defeat Linda McMahon in the Senate race), the Road Warriors, and the Steiners, I’d be all for it. Granted, the Macho Man would totally be the icing on the cake. Imagine, Macho getting five minutes to battle Hulk Hogan! As a rap aficionado, I’d love that. Make it happen, Double Double E!!!

WWE’s Biggest Losers

Okay before I post the news, who here bets on Chavo Guerrero? C’mon raise your hands.

From lordsofpain, “Carlito is the only wrestler on the RAW brand with no wins as he has lost 24 matches this year, 5 of those on WWE TV. On the SmackDown side, Mike Knox is the only star with no wins in 2010. He has lost 13 total matches this year and had one end with in a no contest. 5 of his losses have come on WWE TV also. Chavo Guerrero was winless this year until he defeated Evan Bourne at a live event over the weekend.”

Granted, house shows mean jack shit, but it’s still surprising that we are ten weeks into 2010 and neither Carlito nor Mike Knox can buy a win. You’d think Carlito would pick up a victory just due to his stint on NXT, but nope, he’s jobber to the jobbers. As for Knox, I hate to see this guy released as he can actually work for a big man. It’s just a shame that he hasn’t had a storyline since being the selfish boyfriend of Kelly Kelly. Yes, he was selfish as he wouldn’t let anyone else see Kelly’s puppies! Just let them out girl. Like in this video:

Yeah, it’s from three years ago when the WWE was not PG. And yeah, 411 just randomly posted this video a couple weeks ago. But I don’t care – I need filler and her ass is killer!!!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There Only Can Be 1 Royal Rumble Buyrate!

Chalk this one as stealing JP’s thunder – “Early numbers from WWE’s 2010 Royal Rumble pay-per-view indicate that the show did 490,000 buys. The 2009 Royal Rumble did around 462,000 buys.”

Man, how does Survivor Series feel now considering that all of the other Big Four PPVs outgrossed it like woah. Perhaps it’s time for the Survivor Series to hang up its boots.

You know, I got to love being wrong so much about the WWE. A year ago, we were all speaking of how gimmick PPVs would not draw well and kill the respective gimmick. WRONG – all gimmick PPVs (sans the crappy Breaking Point) outdrew their 2008 counterpart. Two months ago, I stated that the Rumble’s build was pretty lackluster overall and (while never stated) would never have guessed it’d outgross the 2009 edition. WRONG – I guess a heel vs. heel main event with Sheamus and Randy Orton put eyeballs in front of the television. With my lack of success predicting the WWE’s success, I might as well give up.

In all honestly, the 2010 Rumble buyrate is nothing but a good sign for the WWE. Seeing as the Rumble is the official start to WrestleMania, one can only assume that the WWE is expecting the Elimination Chamber and WrestleMania 26 to outsell their 2009 counterparts. In the case of WrestleMania, judging by the announced card, I’d say it’s a massive disappointment if the buyrate does not exceed 1 million.

Oh great, here I go again with my predictions.

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources.

Stephanie McMahon-Levesque is preggers for the third time!

Seeing as how the Levesques’ first two children are female, I wonder if Triple H will continue trying until he finally succeeds in having a son. Ladies and gentlemen, in six/seven months, the demon spawn will be unleashed! You have been warned!

The WWE has trademarked “A-List” and might use it instead of WWE Pros on NXT.

I’d rather it’d be used as a nickname for David Otunga. That guy is going places. Unlike the black John Cena.

Melina tweeted that she is still four months away from returning.

Honestly, I can’t even remember how she got injured. And hell, it’s not like she’s missed much.

April 12th’s Guest Host – David fucking Hasselhoff!!!!

If only, if only, he sings this:

WRESTLEMANIA BRACKETOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fun fact: this is the 5th annual Wrestlemania Bracketology (and longest running SFA recurring segment). With Selection Sunday under a week away, there’s no better time than now to look at the Wrestlemania Bubble. SPOILERS BELOW!!!

For those of you who do not follow college basketball, I’ll try to explain. The NCAA tournament is comprised of 65 basketball teams. 34 of the bids are given to the winners of their respective conference tournament or by being one of the best teams in their respective conference. For the other 31 teams, it’s all about winning and hoping that the other similarly ranked teams lose. What normally happens is that there are 20 teams that have decent records and could possibly make the tournament. These are placed on what is known as a “bubble”. Bubble teams have to continue winning (usually against harder opponents) to move closer to making the tournament. When bubble teams lose enough important games, they are regulated to the shitty tournament known as the NIT. The NIT is basically the Heat of college basketball.

Today, I will be looking at bubble wrestlers: those that are currently not scheduled for Wrestlemania but might have a chance to make it on the card. We will be looking at the odds of these wrestlers and also decide what needs to be done for them to wrestle at Wrestlemania.

First, let’s look at our automatic bids. Here’s the current card:

WWE Championship: Batista © vs. John Cena
World Championship: Chris Jericho © vs. Edge
Streak vs. Career: The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels
Old Man vs. Older Man: Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon
Money in the Bank VI: Christian vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Kane vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Jack Swagger vs. MVP vs. Matt Hardy vs. ?????
Unified Tag Team Titles: Big Show & Miz vs. John Morrison & R-Truth

With six matches announced, there is a likely possibly of two to four matches that will be added to the card in addition to one roster spot in the Money in the Bank match.

Let’s first take a look at the Raw bubble:

Raw Superstars Bubble Watch

Notable superstars not on the card: Triple H, Sheamus, Randy Orton, Legacy, Kofi Kingston, William Regal, Evan Bourne, Yoshi Tatsu, Raw Divas

Triple H: It’s shocking to see Triple H not in a championship match at Mania. Seriously, his last non-title WrestleMania appearance was WrestleMania 17 against the Undertaker (not counting WM23 which he missed)! Nine years ago and eight Manias! That’s insane. This year, even with no title on the line, he won’t be missing the show as a match against Sheamus looks apparent.

Sheamus: Not many rookies get a spot on the WrestleMania card. Fewer even get a chance to fight an established veteran, let alone Triple H. Not bad whitey.

Randy Orton: The way the WWE has been booking Orton’s feud with Legacy leaves his WrestleMania involvement up in the air. One must assume that either a triple threat or a tag team match is on the horizon considering the E has already blown off the possibility of Orton vs. Rhodes or Orton vs. Legacy. Plus it’s too late for this feud to be completed before Mania. Out of all the possibilities, unless Legacy implodes tonight, a tag team match looks probable for Mania.

Legacy: If Orton’s involved in a match at Mania, so will these guys.

Kofi Kingston: Kofi’s been MIA ever since the Elimination Chamber which is surprising seeing as he was my pick to win MITB. Kofi might have a chance to qualify on Raw Monday night. If Kofi is not part of the MITB match, I guess he could be Orton’s surprise partner against Legacy though it’s a shaky alliance.

William Regal: I only include Regal here since he was a thorn in Christian’s side throughout the fall. That said, I still can’t see Regal in a match at WrestleMania, though he’d be perfect in a comedy sketch.

Evan Bourne : If Kofi’s not part of MITB, Bourne would be the darkhorse to qualify. I don’t expect it but his high-flying moveset would be perfect for a ladder match.

Yoshi Tatsu : Nope, can’t see it as Bourne would get the duke before him.

Raw Divas: Considering it took three months to blow off a four round tournament, I really can’t see any singles matches on the card – perhaps one big clusterfuck will happen.

Smackdown Superstars Bubble Watch

Notable superstars missing from the card: CM Punk, Drew McIntyre, Ezekiel Jackson, Finlay, Rey Mysterio, Great Khali, Women’s Division

CM Punk: It will be weird not seeing Punk in the MITB match this year. However, he has a date with Mysterio that will happen at Mania. You can bank on that.

Drew McIntrye: The Chosen One stresses that he will be involved in Mania but I just can’t see it. Unless he interferes as one of McMahon’s lackeys during his match against Bret Hart, that’s about it. I’d say that this will devalue the IC belt but honestly, no one gives a fuck about it anyway.

Ezekiel Jackson: The last ECW champion is directionless on Smackdown. That’s not going to change over the next three weeks.

Finlay: Seriously what the fuck has happened to Finlay? I haven’t seen him since in almost a year. You’d think he’d spend more time with his son, Hornswoggle or does DX now have visitation rights?

Rey Mysterio: A match with Punk is definitely happening, but will Mysterio have to put his mask on the line?

Great Khali: One year, the WWE will take my advice and place Khali in the MITB ladder match. But until then, he’s pretty much useless at Mania.

Women’s Division: See Raw Divas.

Wrap Up

Now that I have dissected both rosters, I’ll leave you with my predictions for what will be added to the Wrestlemania card.

Money in the Bank VI: Christian vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Kane vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Jack Swagger vs. MVP vs. Matt Hardy vs. Kofi Kingston
Legacy Explodes: Orton vs. DiBiase vs. Rhodes
Mask vs. Hair: CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio
Grudge Match: Triple H vs. Sheamus
Divas Domination Raw Divas vs. Smackdown Divas – whatever don’t really care

Not a bad card at all.