Into the Indies 04.06.10: LARD WARRIORS

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Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Into the Indies, the only column still powered by ICO-PRO.

This week, we’re taking a look at a different type of professional wrestling show. Historically, whether it’s been in the United States, Japan, Mexico, Europe, or anywhere else on the globe, a pro wrestling show has taken place because a pro wrestling company promoted a card in order to sell tickets, pay per views, television advertising time, or some combination of the three. However, there has been a recent trend in Japan of wrestling cards not being promoted by wrestling companies but rather by third parties who feel that a one-off wrestling event with the names of and logos representing their products slapped all over it will be a perfect way for them to market themselves. We’ve seen this phenomenon once before in I2I, when the brains behind the Japanese cartoon Kinnikuman (known as MUSCLE in the United States) decided that a card built around the cartoon would be the perfect way to celebrate its anniversary.

This time around, the company that decided to promote its products with a pro wrestling show is Glico, which appears to make and sell all manner of wares. Specifically for this show, Glico is promoting a line of bodybuilding supplements which promise that their uses will receive “Power Production.” And what better way would there be to promote a product which guarantees increased muscle tone and mass than to hold a card featuring a ton of jacked up professional wrestlers?

In this particular case, Glico reached out to what have historically been the two largest wrestling promotions in the country, All Japan Pro Wrestling and New Japan Pro Wrestling. Having obtained the services of wrestlers from both companies, as well as one talent from kickboxing promotion K-1 and a freelancer or two, Glico decided that it was good to go with a “Dream Match” card. The show received one hour’s worth of television time on Japanese network Gaora TV, handing to Glico exactly the publicity that they sought when they decided to market their goods through grappling.

I’m not interested in buying low-grade muscle milk, though. I’m interested in seeing whether the Glico Power Production Dream match, held on February 28, 2010, produces entertaining professional wrestling action. Advance word about the main event of the show – featuring a trio of men named the LARD WARRIORS – leads me to believe that it will. It’s type to test the hype.

The show opens with Hiroshi Tanahashi and Keiji Mutoh FLEXING~! while an announcer blathers on, presumably talking about how crucial Glico products have been in allowing them to build and maintain their impressive physiques.

Match Numero Uno: Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Kyotaro

They’ve certainly booked an interesting little bout here. Nakamura is the reigning IWGP Heavyweight Champion, with that title being the top singles belt in NJPW and, by extension, the top singles belt in all of Japan. Kyotaro, meanwhile, is the heavyweight champion of the shoot kickboxing group K-1. They’ve agreed to do a kickboxing exhibition match here, with the match consisting of two rounds, each being five minutes long.

The men come out swinging almost immediately with light shots, and it’s evident that Kyotaro is able to reel off both punches and kicks more quickly than his adversary. Nakamura does manage to get what I would call the first really solid shot of the fight, though, that being a kick straight to his opponent’s ribs which was in no way blocked. The round continues with brief flurries of love taps for several more seconds until, right before the bell, Shinsuke gets in a knee and Kyotaro responds with the biggest, most rapid flurry of the match. When round two begins, Kyotaro gets a couple of high kicks and Nakamura looks to land more knees, at one point even managing to force his opponent back into the corner with the strikes. Shinsuke connects with a high kick of his own after that, and Kyotaro attempts a backfist of all things. It is largely blocked, but what isn’t block is a weird leaping, flipping kick that Nakamura throws out of nowhere. That gets a good crowd reaction but doesn’t seem to have much of a practical effect on Kyotaro, who immediately responds with a big rally. Nakamura gets in some more knees, but he’s still being both out-punched and out-kicked as round number two comes to a close.

With the two rounds of kickboxing having come to an end, the men voluntarily begin a third round, this time with both competitors shedding their gloves and presumably going at each other under professional wrestling rules. Nakamura gets a double leg, though it can’t go anywhere because Kyotaro grabs the ropes. Then, out of nowhere, Nakamura TOSSES his opponent with a German suplex. He looks for a choke, but Kyotaro turns it in to a judo-esque throw, and, before long, Kyotaro is trying to get into the mount. Nakamura slips away and grabs a heel hook, which he eventually turns in to a half crab. Kyotaro holds on in these holds for far longer than any professional wrestler or MMA fighter actually would, and Nakamura tries to roll in to a choke. Before he can hook it, time expires.

Match Thoughts: Even after this one, I can count the number of kickboxing matches that I’ve seen on my right hand. With that being said, for ten minutes of kickboxing in which men weren’t really trying to knock one another out followed by a couple of minutes of professional wrestling featuring a guy who has almost never had a match, it was entertaining. There were enough cool looking spots and they were spaced out well enough that it wasn’t nearly as boring as the phrase “exhibition” might make some think. It still seems like a odd match for K-1 and NJPW to OK, though, because even if it is an exhibition one of their champions could have been injured for the sake of an event that probably wasn’t bringing either company that much in the way of profits compared to what either Nakamura or Kyotaro could do in an NJPW or K-1 main event.

Match Numero Dos: Kikutaro vs. Yuji Nagata

We’re in highlight reel mode here, not even attempting to make it look like the match is being aired in full. Kikutaro, known for his parodies of other professional wrestlers, comes out dressed as former NJPW ace Nagata, which is not going to endear him to the guy. We join the action in progress, as Kiku kicks the second rope in to his opponent’s groin as he enters the ring. That allows him to hit an elbow drop before applying a version of Nagata’s own killer armlock. The NJPW wrestler isn’t going to let that affect him, though, as he easily escapes and repeatedly kicks his opponent in the chest. Kikutaro acts as though he’s going to no-sell them, but then, in a brilliant spot, Kiku decides that he will sell and drops to the mat as soon as he realizes that no-selling is going to just get him kicked even harder. That doesn’t mean he’s done with the offense, as he ducks under a big boot by Nagata and connects with a dragon screw. As with the last hold, it has very little effect on Nagata, who recovers quickly and slaps on his own armlock for the submission victory.

After the bell, Kikutaro’s cornerman, who had been wearing a Kiku outfit of his own, jumps Nagata and tries to put him in a cross arm breaker. Various officials pull them apart, and the cornerman unmasks to reveal Yuji Nagata’s brother Katsuhiko. No clue where they’d be going with that one, as I’m fairly certain this was supposed to be a stand-alone show.

Match Numero Tres: Jushin Liger, Shiryu, Tiger Mask IV, & BUSHI vs. Tomohiro Ishii, Gedo, KAI, & Hiroshi Yamato

This one is also a clipjob. The theme here appears to be masked junior heavyweights vs. unmasked junior heavyweights, with AJPW’s Junior Heavyweight Champion Kaz Hayashi reverting to his old Michinoku Pro gimmick of Shiryu to fit the theme. This is a huge schmozz as we are joined in progress, with all four of Shiryu’s opponents attempting to take advantage of them but getting confused by his dancing antics. We clip ahead to Tiger Mask giving a 619 to Ishii and bringing his teammates into the match so that they can all hit corner attacks on Tomohiro, culminating with a great spinning heel kick by Shiryu. He follows it with a spinebuster and a lionsault for two, and, when we clip ahead again, Shiryu is connecting with a SWANK tope con hilo on Ishii. That sets up a huge trainwreck spot on the outside, with almost every wrestler in the match hitting some kind of dive, including a wild corkscrew pescado by BUSHI. Back in the ring, Gedo tries to surprise Liger with a couple of rollups, but he kicks out of both of them and comes back with a Lou Thesz press to pin his opponent. The way that the match was cut down didn’t allow for it to gain much traction, but at least some of the spots were pretty.

A bunch of wrestlers had a bench press contest. It was entirely too difficult for me to follow without understanding the commentary.

Match Numero Cuatro: Keiji Muto, Hiroshi Tanahashi, & Power Pro Kamen vs. The Lard Warriors (Pink Warrior, Pork Warrior, & Bono Warrior)

Now THIS has all of the makings of a fun professional wrestling match. First of all, you’ve got Keiji Mutoh teaming up with his protege Hiroshi Tanahashi, which rarely happens since usually they are in opposite promotions. Rounding out their team is Power Pro Kamen, basically a wrestler wearing a mask and all dolled up in gear that is a massive advertisement for Glico’s products. The man under the hood is actually former AJPW Triple Crown holder Satoshi Kojima. The heel team is the real attraction here, though. The former sumo wrestler trio of Yutaka Yoshie, Ryota Hama, and Akebono, three very fat, fat men, have been covered in face and body paint and given spiked shoulderpads, turning them into the LARD WARRIORS~!, essentially an obese version of our old friends Hawk and Animal. The off the wall charisma of Yoshie and Hama just makes this gimmick, which is every bit as glorious as the photo above makes it look.

Hama starts off with Tanahashi, and, I’ll admit it, it’s quite the contrast in physiques. The former sumo shoves his opponent off of him a couple of times when he attempts to lock up and then dominates in a Greco-Roman knuckle lock. Tanahashi escapes, but he’s taken down almost immediately by a lariat and tags in Power Pro. Akebono joins the match as well, and it’s the same basic routine o’ dominance, culminating in an elbow drop and a two count. All six men run into the ring after that spot, and it results in the big guys landing stereo avalanches on their opponents. With the good guys laid out, Bono takes over on Kamen and whips him into Hama’s outstretched ass. Yoshie tags in to continue the assault, but he misses a sitdown splash off of a Power Pro sunset flip attempt. The masked man tries some strikes after that but is taken down with a Vader attack and placed on Yoshie’s shoulders as Hama tries to climb to the top rope, presumably for the world’s largest Doomsday Device. Tanahashi cuts him off (as though he ever had any chance of getting up there in the first place), and that sets up a tag to Muto. He takes Pink Warrior off of his feet with a dragon screw and applies a leglock. Bono tries to run in for the save, but Tanahashi cuts him off and applies a sleeper. Not to be outdone, Akebono simply falls forward and gives Muto a big splash, which definitely serves to break the leg hold. He manages to get a desperation dragon screw, though, setting up a tag to Tanahashi. The NJPW star fires off some body blows at Yoshie, but they are obviously ineffective. Tananashi does manage to slam the big man, even though he runs in to another Vader attack seconds later. That gives us a tag to Bono, who hits an avalanche and an elbow drop for a nearfall.

Tanahashi slips out of a slam and makes a game attempt at a German, only to have Bono charge backwards and crush him in the corner. That doesn’t stop Tanahashi’s schoolboy, but it only gets two. Both Hama and Kamen tag in at this point, and Porky misses an avalanche. Kamen peppers his massive chest with a series of chops and hits a leaping forearm in the corner before dropping an elbow from the top rope for a count of two. The wrestlers then begin to trade chops and forearms at center ring, culminating in a Kamen roaring elbow before he runs straight into a sidewalk slam for a nearfall. Muto and Tanahashi save, which only serves to get them attacked by the other Lard Warriors. Kamen is now isolated with all three big men, and they take turns avalanching him, followed by all three guys charging him and crushing him in between their massive bodies. They miss a triple splash, however, as Muto prepares a hearty Glico protein shake in the corner. He throws the beverage in to Power Pro Kamen, who is immediately energized a la Popeye and unloads on the three fat boys. Tanahashi joins the fray for a bit, and the two manage to get Hama on his own. Kamen gives him a cutter and Tanahashi gives him a flying lariat, followed by Muto’s shining wizard. Another lariat, this time delivered by Power Pro Kamen, connects, and the marketing gimmick manages to pin the Pork Warrior to put an end to the match.

Match Thoughts: This wasn’t an outstanding professional wrestling match. However, this isn’t the sort of match that you watch for outstanding professional wrestling action. If you were Glico, the point of the match was to promote your supplements, and, if you’re anything like me, you’re watching this match to bask in the wacky glory of the Lard Warriors gimmick. Yoshie and Hama didn’t disappoint, either, really hamming it up and making a big fat Roadwarrior gimmick in to one of the most entertaining new gimmicks that I’ve seen in a while. I can’t imagine it having legs for repeated appearances, but, if the trio of former sumos morphs in to the Lard Warriors once every six months or so, I will be a ridiculously happy camper.

Overall

There wasn’t a five star match in sight, but I thoroughly enjoyed this sixty minutes of professional wrestling, mainly because it was very different than a traditional wrestling card. There was a unique match concept which was well-executed, a novel gimmick which was also pulled off well, and parings of wrestler working against one another which, though not brand new, are rare enough that they are still novel. Those of us who are hardcore professional wrestling fans have seen our favorite pseudo-sport booked by the same individuals for so long that it’s fun to essentially see an entity from outside of the stereotypical “wrestling bubble” come in and put their spin on the old formula. Go hunt this one down if you’re a fan of puroresu and/or fat men . . . you won’t be disappointed.

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See you all next week!