The Wednesday Small-For-All News Report: 09.29.10

First off, I would like to thank Steve Cook, once again, for filling in for me. Unlike most previous times, Cook did not receive more than 6 hours of notice before the news report was due. But that’s what happens sometimes when your boss decides to flip everything at the last minute. Seriously, it was like an episode of Undercover Brother except without my boss being undercover and no black people being involved.

In Cook’s opening, he mentioned that there was a strong possibility that I would return with a Swayze Malebag. And he is correct as there were tons of good comments from last week that I would like to address. Most importantly, I WILL decipher the censored phrase from last week.

As always, we shall start off with some lip service…

New Adventures in Hi-Fi

From Shane , “Just to show that your more subtle references don’t go to waste – nice REM reference in the header, dude.”

Much appreciated. There was also a not-so-subtle Strokes reference in the SOMA header too.

Apple Bottom Jeans

From Some Random Guest , ” Put Ines Sainz’s ass on the Great Khali and I’m fairly sure Small’s nuts would instantly explode in his scrotum. Also, it would make Khali walk even worse, which I didn’t think was possible.”

Normally, I ignore silly comments like this one. But this one put a smile on my face. Back in high school, my friend Sergio (who has accompanied me on many of my WrestleMania trips) created a character, the Booty Bandit, in WWF WrestleMania 2000 for N64. He was 7 feet tall, given all the divas moves and taunts, and finished opponents off by sitting on their face. Now that’s my kind of wrestler!

Monday Night Football Feedback

From Some Random Guest, “I like how you gave actual predictions for Monday nights, unlike Meehan who made very general statements about how interesting the games may or may not be and how Raw may or may not be affected and then said “See, I was right.”

Thank you Guest. Before writing my thoughts, I read Meehan’s prediction column last year and was pissed off how general his responses are. I can understand if you don’t like my opinions but at least, I made some.

Case in point, midcard accused me of having a NFC East bias, which is totally untrue. I am a Jets fan forced to watch Patriots game each weekend – so I have a AFC East bias. The only team I could care a tad bit about in the NFC East is the Cowboys because Tony Romo is my starting fantasy QB and he’s fucking dreamy. I will agree with midcard that I might have downplayed the Steelers fanbase, but fuck em, they cheer for a rapist.

As for how I am doing with my ratings predictions, I was correct about the fall in Week 1, incorrect about another drop in Week 2 (I thought ratings would rise), and incorrect about Week 3 (I thought ratings would hold steady). So I am 1-2, just like the majority of the NFC East. Huzzah.

Newbie

From Some Random Guest , “small-ur really starting to come off as a prick”.

Just now? Not at any other time the last four years? Me being a prick is part of the reason why y’all love me (or at least read me and then trash me in the comment section). Case in point below…

Fill in the Blanks

A lot of people were curious as to what was censored from the following line in last week’s Small-For-All – “Sure it’s not the most professional thing the WWE has ever done but really, the WWE has done some fucked up things in the past (released Dawn Marie when she was preggers, asked Big Daddy V to not wear a shirt, k***** **** ***t).”

And as many of you have guessed (I think Maybe??? was first), the censored line was indeed “killed Owen Hart.” It was definitely a dickish thing to write (and honestly, I don’t believe it), which is why I self-censored it. That actually worked out even better than if I wrote it in the first place. Because instead of you all calling me an asshole last week, you were intrigued enough to care. And now, you can call me an asshole.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

AAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome back to the only news report that wishes it could have beef with MC Hammer, the Small-For-All News Report. In today’s news report, we cover a ton of news from title unification, a possible John Cena heel turn, whether the Rock will ever return to the WWE, Diva news from both companies, and a NXT recap!

But first, let’s cover clearly the most important news of the week – a Hulk Hogan’s health update. According to the main page, “Hulk Hogan had an electrical spinal cord simulator inserted in his back to help repair his back issues.”

Now while I am no doctor, I was able to visit WebMD and obtain a picture of an electrical spinal cord simulator. Warning – it’s pretty graphic.

Brother, not only will Hogan’s back by fixed, but look what it will do to his abs! In all seriousness, you have to feel for Hogan. He was only asked to body slam a one thousand pound Giant and then carry the WWE, WCW, and TNA on his back for so many years. While he was up to that task (performed admirably, of course), his back issues only began trying to carry his daughter’s singing career. Not even Pootie Tang could handle that. And Pootie is too cool for words!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Unification Rumors

From the Torch, “Vince McMahon has gone back and forth on the time frame for unifying the World Heavyweight Championship and the WWE Championship. At times he has wanted the unification to take place within 30 days, but company officials have urged him to wait until WrestleMania XXVII. Many within the company feel they need to place the titles on the proper people and position them strongly in order to make the unification match a major event.”

Let’s file this one under “Nothing More than a Rumor.” Since the Brand Extension, the WWE has done a fine job keeping the Raw and Smackdown brands separate as long as it is not Wrestlemania season, not a 3 hour Raw, Bragging Rights is not the upcoming PPV, and it’s not the Draft or any other special editions. Other than those “rare” instances, kudos to the WWE for keeping the brands apart. With the brands being so separate and unique, it would not make any sense combining the belts.

Seriously, each brand needs a top belt. The idea of a floating champion did not work in 2002 and by having two championships, there have been more opportunities for superstars to run with the ball. Would Sheamus or CM Punk or Rey Mysterio or even Chris Jericho have been champion if there was only one belt around? Of course not as either Cena, Orton, or Triple H would have dominated the top spot on both shows! The WWE needs to continue building superstars to become viable champions and not worry how many belts they have. Championships are nothing more than props anyway.

Evil Cena

From the Torch, “The possibility of turning John Cena heel has been discussed much more seriously than in the past. Vince McMahon made it clear when the idea was previously broached that it would not even be considered due to the tremendous amount of revenue Cena draws via merchandise. While there doesn’t appear to be any firm plan in place, McMahon has since changed his tune on the subject as he is now open to listening to suggestions.”

Well if there is one person to boost sales of the Nexus t-shirt, it would be John Cena. A Cena heel turn could be the shot in the arm that the WWE needs creatively. Sure it would reduce his merchandise numbers but a fresh heel character would bring a buzz needed in the WWE. People would start talking and with the right storyline, it might even bring more viewers back to the WWE. Additional eyeballs = possible additional merchandise purchasers = bigger babyfaces = possible PPV buyers. It makes perfect sense in my book. Plus, how many more times will Cena overcome the odds? It’s going to suck when he buries Nexus once and for all at Hell in the Cell.

The Rock Says “Stop Asking Me About Wrestling!”

During an interview with MMAFighting’s Ariel Helwani, the Rock was asked about a potential full-time WWE return. Here’s his response: “No, I don’t see that, man. I accomplished everything that I wanted to accomplish in the business. Brock Lesnar was the last guy I wanted to wrestle, [and] I had the privilege of wrestling him all around the world.”

Face it everyone, he’s not coming back. And while his brief return in 2003 was fucking awesome (here’s a heel who could sell merchandise), he is too far removed to even consider a full-time schedule. Sure I’d like for him to come back again for say WrestleMania 30 but we know that it would only be a short-time high.

It’s a shame that the Rock has not had more success in Hollywood. While he’s done really well with Disney movies, I was always hoping he’d become the next breakout action star. I guess the Scorpion King was just not the best starring vehicle for him.

Below are my top 5 “Non-WWE” The Rock Moments:

#5 –Wyclef’s “It Doesn’t Matter” music video.

#4 – The Rock’s gay character in Be Cool. The rest of the movie sucked but The Rock was pretty good.

#3 – The Rock’s cameo in the Reno 911 movie. If you have not seen it, I would suggest watching the clip on YouTube.

#2 – The Rundown – easily the Rock’s best motion picture.

#1 – That bird stole my credit – The Rock on the Brian Fellows show. Enjoy below.

DIVAS, DIVAS, DIVAS

Tons of Diva news this week. First off, there were reports that Jillian Hall will be retiring as an “on-air” performer. Once off TV, Jillian would become a female Diva trainer in FCW. This should not be too surprising as her one-note character has not changed in years and she was never taken seriously as a wrestler. Jillian is in good standing with the company and this could easily prolong her WWE career.

Second, ex-WWE Diva Lauren Jones tweeted that she met with Johnny Ace on Monday. While I do believe she was part of the crew that received Smackdown positions after losing the First Diva Search, I cannot remember anything she did in the company. That said, she has seen success since her time in the WWE with a successful launch of bridal shoes, a few year stint as the official Met-RX spokesperson, and starring in a Baywatch Beach Body Workout video. If that does not train you to be a Diva, I have no idea what will.

Third, there was a rumor that the WWE signed a fitness model from Canada. But then she came out and said she did not sign with the WWE. I’d mention her name but I have a feeling I would receive a “stop spreading false rumors” email from her lawyers.

Lastly, there were tons of Matt Hardy tweets and videos this week. But I’d rather not touch them with a 30 foot pole.

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

Foley’s new book was plugged on Raw out of respect for everything the Hardcore Legend did in the WWE.

That and the WWE needs more headliners for their upcoming Hall of Fame Ceremonies.

SmackDown Superstar Kofi Kingston was given a recent weekend off to get married.

Let’s hope there is no Trouble in Paradise here!

WWE officials are high on NXT and are still looking to get it back on US Television. Until then, all upcoming episodes will be on WWE.com

I stopped reading after the fourth word.

Matt Hardy has been removed from the Smackdown opening.

But Matthew Hardy is still there!