411’s Instant Analysis 01.06.11: TNA Impact

MWABONWA BASSE NOOSE~!!
Welcome kids to a little fun we’re going to have here at 411. The Instant Analysis column is the companion piece to 411 Live Pay-Per-View Coverage and features immediate reaction to wrestling pay-per-views. The focus in Instant Analysis is on first thoughts and initial reactions instead of play-by-play, with the goal of providing you with instant access to writers’ thoughts on the show. We have decided to give these a try for some of the TV shows, so let’s see how things work out…

Just before Impact started, there was a commercial on Spike hyping the X-Division that’s almost a year out of date if you compare it to the actual X-Division in TNA today. This both amused me and made me sad at the same time. Anyway, onto the first Impact of 2011…

SEGMENT ONE: Bischoff Calls Out the Champs

Immortal was out to start the show and Eric Bischoff talked a bit about Immortal requiring titles and how they’ll get them at Genesis. He then called out the various non-Immortal champions: Jay Lethal, the Motor City Machine Guns, and Douglas Williams, praising them all. He then set up matches for tonight that will get them all ready for Sunday at Genesis: Lethal/Abyss, Williams/Rob Terry, and Guns/AJ Styles & Kazarian. Immortal then attacked the champions despite Bischoff’s assurances that nothing of the sort would happen. RVD made the save and demanded to know his mystery opponent, vowing to learn the answer tonight. A solid opening that set up the episode and was focused on Genesis.

Rating: 7.0 out of 10

SEGMENT TWO: Double J Double M A Challenge

This week, Jarrett started things off by introducing a new waiver for the Double J Double M A Challenge that requires all challengers be Jarrett’s height or shorter, and that it’s just an exhibition. There was an amusing bit where he looked to allow a young man to enter the challenge only to disqualify him because he WILL be taller than Jarrett some day after seeing the guy’s father. His chosen challenger was a skinny guy that had trouble getting over the railing, leading to Tenay actually delivering a witty line: “Just hip toss him, JB.” After Jarrett made that poor guy tap, Kurt Angle came out, chased Jarrett away, and threatened to sign one of the releases to make it legally binding for Genesis. When Jarrett said Angle promised to never wrestle again, Angle reminded him that this is an MMA exhibition, not a wrestling match, signed the waiver, and walked away. More amusing than the average Double J Double M A Challenge segment (aside from last week) and set up the Angle/Jarrett match exhibition at Genesis.

Rating: 6.5 out of 10

SEGMENT THREE: The Motor City Machine Guns vs. AJ Styles & Kazarian
Match Result: Alex Shelley pinned AJ Styles
Match Length: Around four minutes, forty-five seconds

This was a nice little match. The heels tried to cheat, the faces persevered through skill and tenacity. Styles eating the pin advanced his little story with Bischoff and the Guns go into Genesis with a win. That is, before Beer Money attacked the Guns after the match. I’ll admit, I’m still disappointed we never got a Shelley/Storm match to complement the Sabin/Roode one from last week, but this was a strong replacement.

Rating: 7.0 out of 10

SEGMENT FOUR: Is the Pope a ‘Street Saint’ or a ‘Scumbag?’

The Pope called out whoever has been following him around with a camera and exposing his private business in an effort to make him look bad and out came the Samoan Submission Machine. Joe’s half of the promo was some of his best work in… well, a long time. Then again, I can’t remember the last time he had a chance to talk. He explained that fights seem to be won outside the ring by controlling how you’re perceived, so he wanted to expose the Pope as the scumbag he is instead of the street saint he claims to be. He ran down all of Pope’s ‘sins’ from strip clubs to taking money for charity and not passing it on to those charities to buying dogs for children that never got them. The Pope tried to explain everything away with excuses like how he goes to strip clubs to talk the women out of working there. A solid promo segment that makes me think that a Pope/Joe match will get added to Genesis to pad out the card.

Rating: 6.0 out of 10

SEGMENT FIVE: Madison Rayne & Sarita vs Mickie James & Velvet Sky
Match Result: Sarita pinned Velvet Sky
Match Length: Around four and a half minutes

The best part of this match was Tenay making fun of Taz for him almost comparing Madison Rayne to Marilyn Chambers when he meant Marilyn Monroe, calling it the Freudian slip of the year. For the match itself, Velvet Sky came out fighting but quickly became the whipping girl of the match with the heels cheating any time they had the chance until Mickie James finally snapped and jumped into the ring. But it didn’t help since, while the ref was escorting James back to the apron, Tara nailed Sky with her elbow brace, and Rayne plopped Sarita on top of her for the win. Not too bad, but some usual awkwardness. Though, Rayne getting the pin on James would have been a better finish.

Rating: 5.0 out of 10

SEGMENT SIX: Rob Terry vs. Douglas Williams
Match Result: Douglas Williams via disqualification
Match Length: Just over a minute

This match began with some fun stuff with Terry going after Williams and Williams dodging, frustrating the Freak more and more. But, that didn’t last long before AJ Styles was down, attacking Williams to soften him up for Genesis. I wouldn’t have minded this match or the post-match beatdown lasting a little longer. Felt a little slight, but I liked the idea behind it.

Rating: 4.0 out of 10

SEGMENT SEVEN: The Team 3D Parking Lot Brawl That Didn’t Happen

After a couple of teaser bits building up to a confrontation between Ray and Devon in the parking lot, Ray came out with security and kept insulting and goading Devon until he rushed at Ray. Security stopped him and Ray kicked him in the face. Then, he told Devon to not show up on Sunday. If only we were that lucky… But, this did build their match on Sunday and didn’t devolve into your typical TNA brawl, so it wasn’t all bad.

Rating: 5.0 out of 10

SEGMENT EIGHT: Jay Lethal vs. Abyss
Match Result: Jay Lethal via disqualification
Match Length: Around three and a half minutes

Abyss dominated and lost when he wouldn’t break a choke hold in the corner, he was disqualified. Nothing special, but I did like the post-match bit where Kazarian came down and called off Abyss, because, if Lethal is dead, Kazarian can’t beat him at Genesis. He then demanded Lethal get on his feet, face him, and shake his hand, but that required Abyss’s help. Similar to the Williams/Terry match, but different enough that it didn’t feel like a simple retread. Kazarian was arrogant and jerky on the mic. I’ve enjoyed how on-point they’ve been tonight with regards to promoting Genesis.

Rating: 6.0 out of 10

SEGMENT NINE: Tenay Sits Down with Matt Morgan and Mr. Anderson

I guess it came down to this: a pretty generic retread of every promo of this story, except done in a sit down environment in an empty Impact Zone with less energy and passion than anything we’ve seen to date. Nothing new here. They couldn’t come up with something else to promote this match? Not even one original aspect? And this is the main event on Sunday… wow.

Rating: 2.0 out of 10

SEGMENT TEN: No Disqualification Match – Jeff Jarrett vs. Rob Van Dam
Match Result: Jeff Jarrett pinned Rob Van Dam
Match Length: Just under five and a half minutes

This was interesting to see Jeff Jarrett continue his MMA-style and watching it not work entirely at first. He eventually got a rear naked choke on RVD, but Van Dam made the comeback and paid the price when Gunner and Murphy interfered. Jarrett’s arrogance was his undoing there and it looked like RVD may get the win until Jeff Hardy hit the ring, delivered a Twist of Hate, and gave Jarrett the win. After the match, Hardy’s attack continued, Morgan came out for the save and so did Anderson, but, when Anderson tried to hit Hardy with a chair, Hardy ducked and Morgan got nailed. I did love Taz and Tenay talking up the whole “Was it an accident or on purpose?” crap they always say when this happens. At least we got a little bit more of a build for Morgan/Anderson.

Rating: 6.0 out of 10