The Wrestling Sandwich 07.02.11

Steve Cook: Well, well, well.

It’s great to be back here in the Wrestling Sandwich. Wes has done a fantastic job since I decided to let him handle things solo. I wish he wouldn’t break kayfabe so much about me teaching him to be lazy, but it is what it is. I hope you guys are enjoying the Kirk experience, and I’m glad to be back here for one week only to talk a little bit about the good ol’ USA. I’ve also got a wrestler for you to watch, and it’s who everybody else is watching. Good times. Some of you may wonder why I chose *this* week to come back, and it’s quite simple…when Wes asked me if I wanted to take part in a tribute to America, I had to say yes. I love all my international readers and it flatters me that I’ve received tons of e-mail from places like England, Ireland, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, the Philippines, Israel & countless other locales over the years I‘ve been writing for 411, but America is my home and I love her like no other.

So Wes, how have you been doing lately?

Wes Kirk: Doing pretty good actually, Steve. After all, I get to watch guys like Austin Aries and Low-Ki on a weekly basis while you get Vladimir Kozlov and Great Khali! I know, I know, cheap shot but that’s what you taught me!

A few of you wrote in regarding things such as the placement of the Sandwich in the top three wrestling section, the headline, the column heading, etc. I have to once again remind all of you that the writers on 411 are not responsible for the column’s header, placement on spotlight and/or top three stories, and so on: This is the job of the man himself, Larry Csonka. He decides what goes where and what title and preview you get. So, any Haterade in regards to that is not going to be addressed since there’s nothing that can be done and when it is in the top three or spotlighted, it is usually because the column deserves it. Uh oh, looks like maybe the IWC is wrong about something? That’d be a first. And yes, next week things change with a special section I’m calling “The Good, The Bad, and the WTF?” which will feature the best good comments, the best bad comments, and one that will leave people scratching their heads as to what planet that particular mail came from. Believe me, I get tons of wacky shit in the mail and it is about time some of it see the light of day. As far as the rest of the replacement goes, you will find out next week. In fact, next week you are also going to see something special as far as “awards” go but this week, we have a special guest! Handling several of his famous column sections is my former co-writer of the Wrestling Sandwich, Steve Cook! He’ll have some Indycent Exposure for you to see and of course, review the career of Sgt. Slaughter!

Also, a small part of the column didn’t make it due to some changes in the formatting recently but that’s been compensated for this week and from now on. At least it wasn’t as bad as poor DeMarco, he lost all his sexy pictures of Divas! Some rough times indeed.

But cheer up, we’re going to celebrate Independence Day in style with some of the craziest All-American moments in wrestling history. And of course, information on the current news and our wrestlers to watch, yes wrestlers as Steve will be contributing his take just like the good ol’ days of…a month ago!

I didn’t hear back from the CWI promotion, so I’m going to go ahead and call that a likely complete lie to get attention from the media. If there was any credibility to the story they would have been happy to discuss it, not hide from it.

Over The Limit’s buy rate was adjusted over the week and now reads 200,000 instead of 70,000 although both numbers are true. How? Because 130,000 buys came outside the United States and they added that number to the 70K domestic. American business continues to decline for WWE, as we’ll explain later, but internationally there is still some steam if you go to the right places.

Top Stories of the Week!

1. Chavo Guerrero Says Adios To WWE

Chavo Guerrero went to Twitter as happy as a kid on Christmas Day opening his presents with the news he was being released via his own request from WWE. Chavo cited unhappiness at not being used correctly and basically being forced to put over people who “suck” and therefore, decided enough was enough and asked to part ways with the ‘E. Naturally, people responded with comments about how Chavo has no charisma, he won’t make it anywhere else, and anything else the ETards could come up with. I decided we should take a look back at his eleven-year career in WWE to see if the guy has a point or if he’s just full of himself.

Career Highlights:
– WWE Cruiserweight Champion
– WWE Tag Team Champion with his uncle Eddie Guerrero
– Defeated HHH cleanly one time
– Part of the Smackdown Six that put on tremendous matches for a period

Career Lowlights:
– Jobbed to a midget leprechaun for nine months on RAW to the point he claimed he couldn’t beat the guy yet still had to face him in matches.
– Received the 2009 Gooker with Hornswoggle for the feud
– Attempted to become a racist “white guy” named Kerwin White, which fizzled out quickly
– Only defeated HHH because Eddie had died and it was a tribute show for his uncle
– Is usually relegated to jobbing on Superstars
– Was used as a jobber for La Familia when Edge and Vickie ran Smackdown
– Was thrown in mud and hog slop during a match with Vickie and Santino Marella
– Teamed with Jillian to attempt to impress Ozzy Osbourne when he was guest host with a duet
– Has lost to around 90% of the wrestlers in WWE at one point or another

Yeah, I’d say the guy has an extremely valid reason for wanting to leave.

Chavo really wasn’t used very well the last six years and then some, and although he had some brief periods where he looked like he’d at least be a mid-carder the time would come and go. Chavo excoriated Eric Bischoff on WWE.COM for a promo advertising Bischoff’s Controversy Creates Cash book but now, it seems like Chavo might have to suck it up and make an apology in Orlando considering that at least WCW had enough faith in the guy to let him create his own material and fight other talented wrestlers. Chavo is the last surviving WCW wrestler to leave WWE for one reason or another since the promotion folded eleven years ago. SO does he have legit gripes? Naturally, anybody who reads those lists would have to agree. The worst part is I had to do more research into the HIGHLIGHTS of his career with WWE because all they did was basically job the guy out!

Chavo has the skills to thrive in the X-Division or perhaps in Ring of Honor, and he’s obviously welcome in Mexico. The question is whether or not he’s soured enough on American wrestling after working for Vince to even continue or if he’s pretty much hoping for a job with the competition and showing Vince just how well he could be used. Rhyno once mentioned that, “if you are told you are a piece of shit often enough you start to believe it yourself” in relation to his WWE career and this makes me believe Chavo was unhappy for quite a while before deciding to walk. After all, how often can you get pinned and made to look like a joke before you finally have had enough?

We here at the Sandwich hope Chavo has a much better career for himself in the next few years, wherever he may end up.

2. CM Punk Is Saying Adios To WWE While Holding Up A Middle Finger

By now, everybody has heard of the big worked shoot interview Punk did on RAW that made it appear he was “silenced” by the powers-that-be-named-McMahon although obviously the WWE takes one step forward and three back with some of these hot storylines. Punk delivered probably the promo of the year on Monday night with his assessment of the company, McMahon, HHH, Stephanie, Cena, The Rock, and several others through a likely pre-approved spiel submitted to creative, but the sad part is most of this is just a rehash of his ROH angle where he left to come to the WWE. While the comments are probably his beliefs, obviously the guy wasn’t allowed to go too far. WWE.COM decided to blow any chance of it being a shoot out of the water when they announced that Vince had “indefinitely suspended” CM Punk for his unprofessional conduct when the guy only had until July 17th to compete anyway. Now, they claim he will be able to finish his “non-television commitments” and leave on the 17th. I won’t spoil RAW for you guys, but suffice to say if you think it is going to be like last week you’ll be very disappointed.

The basic theories floating around are as follows:

1. CM Punk is leaving and will put over a MITB winner after beating Cena for the title to take some time off and return to the WWE sometime this or early next year.
2. CM Punk is going to stay through the summer with the title and finally lose around SummerSlam and then take the rest of the year off before renewing his contract
3. OMG ITS A SHOOT ITS REAL ITS DAMN REAL LOL
4. CM Punk signed a new deal and will somehow continue through with no or little time off.
5. CM Punk is history and exchanged the right to cut a promo with his feelings to get off TV a few weeks early and head back to the indy circuit.

My guess would be #1 or #2. Personally, I think #2 has the most potential just like with his ROH angle but I’m not sure WWE wouldn’t screw it up pretty badly. There is an idea, though!

Punk could step in the ring and win at MITB. The winner of MITB cashes in and then… Punk beats THEM too. The next night on RAW, Punk says as long as he is champion, due to a provision in the agreement for his wrestling Cena, he can stay on RAW. Punk brags about how he now holds all the power in the company because he’ll never lose this championship. That would lead to Vince coming down to give Cena a re-match that same night, and Nexus would likely cost Cena the victory. In retaliation, McMahon breaks the Nexus up since they are pretty much dead in the water as it is.

The next two months would see CM Punk using every dirty rotten trick in the book to take cheap shots at WWE and McMahon and retain his title no matter what McMahon tries. Punk basically calls the shots on RAW by “snoozing” during matches at commentary, cutting down everybody in the company, taking cheap shots at USA and the executives in WWE, and especially tearing Vince a new one. Finally, McMahon has enough and makes a match for SummerSlam in which if Punk loses by pin or submission he loses the belt and his contract, but any other outcome means Punk will walk with the gold to the company of his choice and Vince will pay his salary the rest of the year as an incentive. McMahon informs Punk his opponent at SummerSlam WILL NOT be John Cena. At that, The Rock appears in the ring and Rock Bottoms Punk as McMahon announces him as the challenger.

SummerSlam comes and during the main event Cena comes to interfere but can’t seem to figure out whom he should attack. Punk takes advantage of the distraction to hit a Go 2 Sleep but Rock kicks out at two. Punk heads out and gets a chair, but Cena pulls it away and Rock slides Punk to the guardrail and then in the ring, staring down Cena. Cena holds the chair as if to hit Rock when he gets back in the ring but throws the chair down and stomps to the ramp, frustrated. Rock avoids a second G2S and hits the Rock Bottom, and a People’s Elbow, but then shockingly pulls Punk up and hits an AA! Cena is incensed as Rock gets the pinfall and the three count. Rock just smirks and takes the title as he holds the belt high and Punk is escorted by security out as Cena comes in the ring to stare down with Rock as the PPV fades out.

This does a few things: Allows Rock to have another title reign and a match to warm up for WrestleMania while raising ratings, allows Cena to stay over, gives Punk a good exit as it took THREE finishers from the Rock to put him down, and establishes the very first loss of the MITB contract holder. The reason that is important is if everybody knows the MITB briefcase holder is going to win the title, it isn’t really “must see” since it’ll always be the same result, just a matter of time. Rock could drop the title anytime or even be stripped of it for whatever reason, and that short visit to WWE would surge ratings as Rock has proven to do this year.

3. RAW Three-Peats The 3.1, Assisting In More Bad Ratings and Stock News

First it was the All Star RAW featuring Stone Cold. Then it was Viewer’s Choice. And after those three hour programs they air RAW Roulette featuring Shawn Michaels. What do all three shows have in common? They all scored a total rating of 3.1!

WWE might be a little concerned. The usual summer bounce in ratings does not seem to be going on and Smackdown ratings are pretty much stuck in a rut around 1.7-1.79 as well, which is likely why the Punk angle was approved in the first place. Internationally things just aren’t good for WWE either. In the United Kingdom, the June 14 and 17th ratings released last Monday report that TNA Impact pulled in 152,000 viewers as opposed to RAW’s 124,000. Smackdown came in dead last in the ratings war there with 63,000 viewers. In Australia, WWE DVDs cannot break the top 50. WWE’s stock is down to a paltry 9.51 as of the close on Wednesday afternoon despite the stock market gaining over 300 points on the Dow in those three days. Obviously defenders of the company will point to Impact and say, “Yeah, but they can’t even get a 2.0 so ha ha!” and expect somehow for that to be the end-all of the conversation, but the fact of the matter is the company is hurting.

In 2010, ratings were a little bit different. RAW on 6/14/10 received a 3.4 rating, went up to a 3.5 the next week, and the final week of June scored 3.3 to finish off the month. That puts the average for those three weeks at 3.4, which is 0.3 higher than all the editions of RAW the last three weeks. For those interested, RAW from July 5, 2010 scored a 3.35 rounded up to 3.4 as well. WWE stock was 15.56 on June 30th, 2010 as of the close of the market.

Is the WWE dying? No. Is the WWE hurting? Definitely. They need to come up with something interesting fast or risk further alienating fans and shareholders alike. But, the stock is pretty fun to short if you have any excess cash!

Smartest Thing of the Week: Shawn Michaels Brought In For RAW Roulette

Before we heard about CM Punk’s awesome worked shoot promo, WWE wanted to make sure that people were watching this particular edition of RAW. In addition to the RAW Roulette gimmick, they threw in Shawn Michaels as the “Guest host” of sorts to make sure that people were going to watch, unfortunately the strategy didn’t generate any ratings change. However, it was a smart move to attempt and for that we’ll give the company some credit.

Dumbest Thing of the Week: Believing CM Punk’s Promo Was A Shoot

There actually are people on this planet who still believe that anything on wrestling programs could actually be real. And in this case, a lot of people actually began conversing about how Punk was legitimately cut off and suspended and so on and so forth. Are you kidding me? With several of the statements he made, you know he would have been cut off within seconds and the cameras would never have stayed on him. Also, the mic would have been cut right after the ass kissing comments if they weren’t pre-approved since they mentioned Hulk Hogan by name, and then Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar. Still, in the comment sections, people believed it was real to an extent and that’s just sad. Here’s a hint: If they don’t immediately cut away from what’s going on like they do when somebody is legitimately injured it is a work.

OLD SCHOOL WRESTLER OF THE WEEK

Sgt. Slaughter

Is there anybody else we could feature in the “Old School Wrestler of the Week” section of this column this week? Lots of great men have represented the good ol’ USA over the years, but none of them carried the flag quite like Sgt. Slaughter. I think Sarge is quite underrated as far as his ring-work goes, and I rate him very highly in my list of all-time favorite wrestlers. I’ve read some about how he wrestled as “Super Destroyer Mark 2” in the AWA, but I want to start my story where the Sgt. Slaughter story started.

Slaughter started off as an overbearing marine corps drill instructor that wanted everybody to do things his way, and generally irritated people with his whistle, his allegiance to the Grand Wizard, and strict adherence to the rules unless it involved him being in a wrestling match. He feuded with Bob Backlund over the WWF title, and while Slaughter was unsuccessful at the time, Backlund never got a decisive victory over him in Madison Square Garden, like he did over everybody else. Slaughter had a feud with semi-retired announcer Pat Patterson (who was a long-time Slaughter supporter going back to their days together in the AWA) that led to an Alley Fight in the Garden that’s generally considered the best “hardcore” match of that era.

Not all of Slaughter’s career highlights took place in the WWF. He was part of a very memorable angle for Jim Crockett Promotions in 1982. Slaughter & his privates Don Kernodle & Jim Nelson (Kernodle & Nelson were referred to on TV as “Slaughter’s Privates”, and Slaughter spent a lot of time on commentary with Bob Caudle talking about his privates. Vince Russo didn’t introduce toilet humor to wrestling, folks.) feuded with Ricky Steamboat & Jay Youngblood for several months, and it culminated in an event at the Greensboro Coliseum titled “Final Conflict” that put Steamboat & Youngblood against Slaughter & Kernodle inside a steel cage. Reports vary as to how many people couldn’t get in, but it was a record-setting crowd. The event played a large part in the development of Starrcade, as the popularity of the feud and how many people they drew with it helped Crockett realize that they had something there, and they could do more. It also turned some heads in the NWA when the other promoters saw the kind of business that Crockett was doing in the Carolinas.

Slaughter returned to the WWF in 1983 and continued to be a top contender for Backlund’s WWF title, but two events would help lead to Slaughter becoming one of the WWF’s most beloved babyfaces. He received a lot of sympathy when his manager the Grand Wizard passed away in October 1983. Slaughter acknowledged the Wizard’s death before his first match back, when he saluted the turnbuckle where the Wizard would traditionally stand. He then cemented a face turn when he stood up to the Iron Sheik’s anti-American ways in 1984. Slaughter & Sheik feuded throughout the year, including a Boot Camp match in the Garden that’s considered one of the best WWF matches of the decade. Slaughter became a solid #2 baby face behind Hulk Hogan, but he left the company when they wouldn’t let him be part of the GI Joe toy figure series. Slaughter saw that he could get some great money without the WWF taking its cut, so that’s exactly what he did. He spent the rest of the decade wrestling for the AWA, Pro Wrestling USA, and as a part of the GI Joe franchise.

Slaughter returned to the WWF in late 1990 for his most controversial run. He turned his back on America, claiming that we had grown soft and weak as a nation because of our acceptance of longtime Communist Nikolai Volkoff after the Cold War ended, and he declared his allegiance to Iraq & Saddam Hussein. General Adnan & Colonel Mustafa (Iron Sheik) would join Slaughter in the Triangle of Terror & wreak havoc for several months longer than the Desert Storm operation lasted. Slaughter got incredible heat during this time period and won the WWF Title from the Ultimate Warrior at the 1991 Royal Rumble in what was the biggest victory of his career. The angle got a lot of criticism from wrestling insiders that felt it was a bit tasteless to try and profit off of the real-life situation in Iraq & Kuwait. Tastelessness & pro wrestling go together like peanut butter & jelly so I’ve never understood what the big deal was. All I know is that the heat Slaughter got during this time period is heat that no wrestler can dream of getting today. Dude had to wear a bulletproof vest in public. Slaughter & Iraq got their comeuppance at WrestleMania VII at the hands of Hulk Hogan, a man that’s always represented the best & worst aspects of America.

Slaughter’s Iraqi phase lasted until SummerSlam 1991, when he, Adnan & Mustafa were defeated by Hogan & Warrior (and special referee Sid Justice). After that, Slaughter had a change of heart and declared in several promos that he wanted his country back. He was forgiven by the WWF audience that never really wanted to boo him anyway, and wrapped up his career not too long after that. A few years later, Slaughter came back to be the WWF Commissioner. He was the one that had to deal with the antics of the original D-Generation X, and that typically didn’t go too well for him. He became part of Mr. McMahon’s group of stooges, but once Shawn Michaels succeeded him as Commissioner, Slaughter faded into the sunset. He was a road agent with WWE for a long time and now serves as WWE Ambassador, doing goodwill work for the company.

And of course, he still makes occasional in-ring appearances with WWE, coinciding with American holidays & special WWE events. It’s always fun to see Slaughter, and he can still put on a pretty darn good match for a 62-year old man. And since I haven’t gotten the chance to needlessly bash TNA yet, I’ll point out that they’d put him in the main event scene at the drop of a hat.

Wes:

Sarge even made his way over to Mario Brothers Plumbing.

Steve’s Wrestler To Watch: CM Punk

Can there be any other choice? Punk’s promo on Monday night is the talk of the town. Anybody that’s talking about wrestling right now is talking about CM Punk. Whenever the Punker gets to borrow from his ROH bag of tricks and put them in front of a WWE Universe unaccustomed to such things, the results are gold. In a career full of controversy & brilliant moments, the end of Raw Monday night may have been Punk’s masterpiece. He said things about WWE that many of us have been thinking for a long time, but couldn’t phrase in such an eloquent manner, and certainly wouldn‘t have the audience to voice it in front of. I don’t know if he’s the best wrestler in the world, but I will say that he is the best talker of his generation and I’m not sure who comes close in that category. He may be gone after Money in the Bank, but people are going to be talking about him a long time afterwards. Where he goes & what he does next will be of great interest to everyone.

Wrestler To Watch: Sting

CM Punk was going to go here but I gave Steve the write-up instead. Therefore, I go with my second choice for wrestler to watch and that would be the Man Called Sting.

Sting is embarking on an obvious attempt to change Hulk Hogan back to the fan-friendly version we all knew as a kid. In the process, he’s also putting together some decent matches with the likes of RVD, Mr. Anderson, and his match with Scott Steiner wasn’t even as bad as you’d think on Impact. Sting has generally remained a face for most of his career and looks to be bringing back the biggest face of the 1980’s, which is making for an intriguing storyline since so far, it looks like Hogan could care less about becoming the “real” Hulk Hogan again. However, by Bound for Glory, I’d think Sting is going to change Hogan whether he likes it or not!

Promo of the Week: Scott Steiner Debates Christopher Nowinski

This debate involved the war in Iraq, which as we now know was successful. Interestingly, Nowinski discusses invading countries for their oil, which the current regime seems interested in doing more than the previous one. Steiner counters how Iraq was proven to harbor and even train terrorists, which Nowinski didn’t want to hear. Did you guys know that yellowcake uranium was found in weapons depots in Iraq? Of course, it never made the “mainstream media” because it vindicated Bush. As liberals often end up doing, Nowinski couldn’t handle the situation on his own and needed three other people to attack Steiner from behind. Very symbolic of the two sides in our country even today!

Babe To Watch: Lillian Garcia

Lillian has always been one of the most patriotic women in wrestling, often performing the Star Spangled Banner or America the Beautiful at live events for a decade with the WWE. Known primarily for her role as the ring announcer for RAW, Lillian also has a singing career including a CD that was outsold by Jillian Hall’s Christmas EP in what was supposed to be a joke but actually turned out to be true. However, she still looks good in a bikini!

With the death of Osama Bin Laden, Lillian was invited back to WWE RAW to perform the national anthem. I can’t think of a better fit for this week’s column:

Match of the Week To Watch: WWF Championship: Sgt. Slaughter vs. Hulk Hogan

This was the big one! The match featuring Hulk Hogan defending the honor of his country against the former patriot Sgt. Slaughter, who had become an Iraqi sympathizer due to America accepting Nikolai Volkoff after the fall of the Soviet Union. Slaughter came in a champion, but Hogan would have the last laugh!

Part 1:

Part 2 and final:

Mystery Section to Watch: Patriotic Wrestling Music Video!

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan was featured in WWF WrestleMania the album back in 1993 with a song called “U.S.A” and here is that particular song in honor of the 4th holiday. This was the third musical album released by the WWF, and back then most songs that were released was never actually used unlike the iTunes and CD releases the last few years. Check out Duggan in his “singing” debut in which he never actually sings!

Indycent Exposure: Michael Hayes
By Steve Cook

With our theme this week being patriotic wrestlers, the first person on the indy circuit that came to my mind was a young man currently training in Ohio Valley Wrestling. Michael Hayes isn’t a unique name in the business, but this man has a story unlike anybody else that I’ve seen step into a wrestling ring.

He grew up in Louisville watching the USWA & wanting to be a pro wrestler when he grew up. After September 11, 2001, he had a new goal in life and joined the United States Army as soon as he graduated from high school in 2004. He was stationed at Fort Knox & was sent to Iraq. His life forever changed on August 4, 2006 when his unit was struck by an IED. He was the sole survivor, but almost 40% of his body was burned & he lost his left leg. Three men died, but Hayes lived on. After nineteen surgeries he learned to walk again, but depression set in and he wasn’t able to do anything.

Then he remembered his love for professional wrestling, and started training with OVW. He made his OVW TV debut in May, so there’s not a whole lot of footage out there. OVWrestling.com has videos of their recent shows, you can find his debut on episode #615, which has a squash match & a feature on him that aired on the Louisville Fox affiliate. Wrestling has given Hayes purpose, and he has achieved great crowd support from the OVW fans during his brief time on TV.

Hayes has an incredible story, and most of us couldn’t imagine what he’s been through to get where he is today. I hope that we get to see a lot more of him in the years ahead, and that he will inspire people to believe that anything is possible, no matter what bumps might be in the road.

Haterade: Hater’s Gotta Hate, Here We Set ‘Em Straight!

And now we come to the final Haterade of this column, at least for the future that I see. It has served its purpose, but there is really no point in continuing it as long as it has been in the past. So, I decided to not hold anything back and just shoot to thrill before we switch to the new format of “The Good, The Bad, and the WTF?” which will feature the best, worst, and the most insane comment. The difference? Quality, less space taken up, and you people won’t kill my poor spelling checker and drag the reading score down as much anymore. Seriously, I did a before and after adding Haterade to the column and the stupidity of the comments section dropped it from 10th grade to nearly 8th grade level. Especially from Drunky!

“Wes Kirk will be gone by the end of the year. Count on it.

Posted By: High Five Ghost (Guest) on June 25, 2011 at 12:28 AM”

There’s only one way I’m going to be gone pal, and that’s if Larry fires my ass. Unlike most of the people who write columns I don’t quit because it isn’t fun or convenient for me since I’ve aspired to be a writer my whole life. Besides, I have to be here at the end of the year so I can do my own special awards show and participate in the 411 Staff Awards!

“Yes, you nailed it…that’s all it takes to make it in television broadcast journalism. That’s the secret, it’s really as easy as you just described it. You should just file your application into ESPN, FOX Sports, etc. right now.

There are hundreds of things that go into making a broadcast, any one of which can go wrong at the drop of a hat. Pre-cast preparation is so crucial to troubleshooting and adlibbing on the fly. Hence, why Mathews was probably more concerned about the order of pre-match features to toss to, than a dozen obnoxious fans.

You clearly know little about the broadcast business, let it go…

Posted By: Team J-Rod (Guest) on June 25, 2011 at 02:07 AM”

Oh please, drop the sanctimonious “wah-wah, broadcasting is a hard job” bullshit. Wrestlers have gone on record to say the best times were when they DID ad-lib and create their own material. You write something down on a paper and read it, and change according to what the headset guy tells you to. Seriously, a coke-addicted monkey could do that! This is why guys like Josh and Michael Cole will never be true legendary broadcasters because they CANNOT ad-lib or make themselves interesting outside the writing of WWE’s unCreative team. They have Christy Hemme making $175k doing ring announcing and backstage interviews and you are telling me it is a hard job? Are you high? Maybe you just suck at it, ever think of that?

“Why would you give Kelly Kelly Lover any kind of validation?

Posted By: Pillman9mm (Guest) on June 25, 2011 at 03:11 AM”

I feel bad for the poor guy.

“The reason Andy won Tough Enough is because the ‘E thinks he has the “it” factor. But to the ‘E, the “it” factor is physique, and not anything else. See: Otunga, David. See also: Ryan, Mason.

Posted By: Jim Rome (Guest) on June 25, 2011 at 08:27 AM”

Goddamn right.

“You write for a free Wrestling and Entertainment website. Don’t break your fucking arm patting yourself on the back.

Posted By: Brimstone (Guest) on June 25, 2011 at 12:02 PM”

Oh, I don’t have to. I’m already making a few contacts in publishing thanks to my column so the next time I pat myself on the back it’ll be with your hard-earned welfare check money added to my account while you sit on your ass making smarmy comments on the same free sites because you can’t afford anything else. By the way, the 1st of the month was yesterday so better get that money to the slumlord!

“punk wont go to tna cos the hardys are under contract there… for now.

Posted By: judeskii (Guest) on June 25, 2011 at 12:10 PM”

And that is one of many reasons Mr. Punk is an intelligent man.

“1. Wrestling is fake. As are voting contests involved in wrestling. THERE WAS NO FAN VOTE. Seriously, how can credible news reporters not get that?

Posted By: Guest#3238 (Guest) on June 25, 2011 at 12:33 PM”

I actually agree with you. I think they let the fans vote but throw up the stipulation all the time that they agreed on beforehand. Only problem, 3238, is that as of yet we haven’t received first-hand proof of that so we have to go under the assumption it is “legit” until proven otherwise by a credible source.

“In fairness, with less channels people would be more inclined to watch Raw.

Posted By: Voice of reason (Guest) on June 25, 2011 at 02:58 PM”

And also in fairness, by that same logic, any other television show on the air would also be more likely to be watched because the competition would be whittled down to a bare minimum. If we had, say, thirty channels you’d see show ratings skyrocket up because there wouldn’t be anything else to watch. This is why competition is good! You get thousands of channels and options today instead of only a few.

“BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!

Okay, done. Let’s get some perspective here. You “write” a column for a wrestling website. You are at about the same level as guys who write fanfic. You aren’t a writer. You’re a guy who comes up with a few sentences so you have something to fill the space between pics of Maryse’s tits and YouTube clips.

Posted By: Guest#1239 (Guest) on June 25, 2011 at 09:09 PM”

Actually there are a few differences, one being that people who write fanfic don’t get my numbers.

As far as me not being a writer, what does that make you knowingly going into a column, reading the words, fapping to the Maryse video, and then spending time to post a comment about it? Here’s my advice: Welfare isn’t meant to be a long-term solution. Get off your couch and become a productive taxpayer like most of us instead of living high off the hog on other people’s money because I can already tell you are a liberal twat from the way you posted that.

“Regarding Vince possibly ribbing Ryder, I wonder if that’s something that could be addressed/asked during their annual shareholders meeting?

As a shareholder, I’d be upset if they’re wasting money and time diverting resources; from the writers, agents, & wrestlers on a joke that will never make it to TV and that will have a negative effect on product (the wrestlers themselves).
I wonder if someone at a shareholder meeting, would be able to ask:
1. What happened?
2. How much money/resources/time was used for something that had the guarantee of a negative return?

Thanks

Posted By: Joequando (Registered) on June 25, 2011 at 09:22 PM”

You could say the same thing about some things that did make it to TV like WBF, XFL, WWE Films, WWE Restaurant, WWE Smackdown Records, ICO-PRO nutritional supplement, and many other flops funded by the WWE fans and after 1999, the shareholders. However, I never touched the stock since it hasn’t once hit its IPO number in eleven years and counting except to short it and that worked out quite well!

“Heyman’s plan with Danielson buries the ENTIRE roster with the exception of Kurt Angle. This type of angle is not sustainable and it’s fallout will guarantee there is no company left to build around Danielson. Not even SuperCena is THAT dominant! That angle is a surefire way to kill a company while MAYBE making a star.
Look at Danielson’s booking in ROH. Not super dominant, he was a guy who had great matches, showed alot of heart and got the crowd in his side with his match mannerisms. Having him bury the ENTIRE roster in 2 months is just dumb.

Posted By: Guest#6329 (Guest) on June 25, 2011 at 09:52 PM”

This was the most cogent argument that was put together about the booking. I also wonder why nobody noticed Heyman bloviated about “A submission that people tap out to in under a minute” when pretty much every submission move is tapped to in that time. I believe he meant five or ten seconds maximum and that’d be worse. OH, I have comments for all of you who left negative remarks about my booking that we shall get to.

“THIS!!! This Wes Kirk guy seems like a typical IWC blogger mark who thinks he is now a professional writer because he is sad enough to write about wrestling for no pay.

That wouldn’t bother me, but when these losers get delusions of grandeur and start thinking they are experts on the internal creative and business strategies of a multi-national entertainment company like WWE, they need to be put in their place.

Posted By: Guest#1069 (Guest) on June 25, 2011 at 11:26 PM”

THIS! THIS! THIS! Just put the superglue to the guy’s ass and kiss it already.

You bash me as a loser, yet I’m here and you are there reading me wiping the drool off your mouth before typing in a reply. I have made a very nice profit even during the recession because I’m NOT an idiot. And when WWE gets creative instead of re-hashing a worked shoot angle from five years ago (Matt Hardy/Lita/Edge) call me.

“Reading this is like watching Fox News, it’s pretty entertaining to read the predictable spin Kirk puts on everything. In fact, that’s probably why the guy still has the column. Kudos to you sir. Although, the talking down to people who comment really makes you come off as a jerk.

Posted By: ComBat Man (Guest) on June 26, 2011 at 12:58 AM”

You could learn a lot from watching FOX News. I mean the only thing some of those left-wing rags are really good for is a nice clean wipe across the ass if you can’t find toilet paper. Their websites are worse, and the television shows put on by MS-NBC and their ilk are laughable. There’s a reason you guys want us to “redistribute” our money; We’re smart and rich and you are stupid and poor. This is because we know how to succeed and you guys despise us for it. Enjoy your Morning Joe!

“This entire column (especially the Tough Enough segment) proves one thing…

…. there ARE still marks on the Internet.

Posted By: Guest#4744 (Guest) on June 26, 2011 at 09:48 AM”

And congratulations, you’re their leader.

“Now I see how the dude went bankrupt. “

Sigh. Yes, that’s right. It was Paul Heyman’s booking that made ECW go bankrupt. That’s it. Wasn’t his poor accounting skills at all.

Get some perspective. Heyman’s booking changed the entire professional wrestling landscape. He made ECW a Big Deal through clever booking of limited resources. He just couldn’t balance a chequebook. But there’s no question the guy knows how to book.

First time I’ve read this column. Looking through the comments I understand the criticism. Turning those comments into a snarky “I’m right and you’re wrong” feature doesn’t make them less valid, or make them go away, or make you a better writer.

Please try harder.

Posted By: Mario L (Guest) on June 26, 2011 at 09:50 AM”

Dude, let me get you some perspective on what ECW was under Paul Heyman. ECW was a pile of filth employing no-name bums and guys ten years past their prime falling around on flaming objects and swinging chairs and occasionally, throwing in a few wrestling moves and actual matches along the way. Don’t delude yourself. Heyman’s booking didn’t change shit, but Hayabusa’s did.

Yes, your lovely Paul Heyman ripped almost everything he did in ECW off of the concepts put forward from Hayabusa in FMW, years before ECW existed as Eastern Championship Wrestling. Those famous matches he put on were mostly done in Japan first! The scaffold match? NWA had it in 1986. The ladder matches? The first one was done in the late 1940’s and Stu Hart ran them in Stampede a DECADE before Heyman came along. Heyman can’t book as well as you claim he can, the bottom line was that the guy made a small independent promotion known for hiring anything that could throw a weapon at somebody and make it look good and putting about 200 blood-thirsty fans in the bingo hall to watch it. Heyman, the wise booker that he was, hired a sixteen-year-old kid to wrestle who ended up dying because of injuries suffered in the ring – Look up Mass Transit. Yeah he lied about his experience and age but any booker worth shit would have had a backup for the match beforehand that was checked out and verified! Heyman never changed the landscape of wrestling, he put on a bunch of shitty garbage wrestling for a few hundred blood-thirsty morons, lifted ideas from NWA, Stampede, FMW, and IWA, and paved the way for groups like CZW today that invite anybody with gas-powered weed whackers to come in the ring and “wrestle” and die around 19 years of age. All he did was accelerate the end of a lot of promising careers and help start a junk sub-genre of wrestling that ends up on World’s Dumbest more times than not. Jim Cornette discussed the whole hardcore concept years ago from matches that ran in the South, but were better booked than just “two guys go in a ring, hit each other with chairs, and the fans give it five stars and chant the federation’s initials” crap. If anything, wrestlers should hate people like Heyman for making the business open to a bunch of stuntmen who died and put wrestling on the headlines for all the wrong reasons and killed attendance and interest.

“Lol @ Wes Kirk describing his job as the “career of a website writer”. Really?? Let’s be honest here. You blog for a pro-wrestling fansite for free in your spare time. You are obviously proud of yourself for being a 411 writer, and that’s cool you enjoy it. But please don’t delude yourself that you are suddenly a professional writer, or you have a genuine understanding of how the creative and broadcasting processes actually operate within WWE. You are just another fanboy who spends hours every week typing up your generic opinions for no pay because you don’t have a decent real job or an active social life.

Posted By: AJ (Guest) on June 26, 2011 at 11:18 AM”

Hm, odd how familiar this comment is compared to the other one above. Okay, uh, let me debunk this one by one.

1. I have a very decent real job as an owner of a business and also, I am a day trader. What that means is that I buy and sell stocks, funds, and ETF’s at my convenience using available software and online brokers. I probably move more money in a day then you do in a year, and yes I have proof.
2. I do have first-hand experience in business – marketing and management are my specialties.
3. Most of my opinions are not shared by anybody, therefore rendering “generic” null and void. I don’t parrot the opinions of others, I create them.
4. My social life consists mostly of business. I don’t care if I do not have 100 friends on Facebook, or two hundred contacts on my Droid. My focus is on personal wealth and that’s about it. I write because it is one of a few things I enjoy. You can take your Facebook life; I’ll keep my productive financial life any day.

“Are the graphics on this post intentionally that bad? They’ve passed funny and zoomed to pathetic. Somebody give them Photoshop! The windows paint program isn’t working!

Posted By: wqerr (Guest) on June 26, 2011 at 05:00 PM”

I’m so sorry you don’t like the pictures I find for the column. I don’t photoshop any of the pictures at all, because they are used for one issue and that’s generally it. And generally, writing is supposed to be what is important, not the pretty pictures but I understand you might not be able to comprehend the words. I’ll try and find some nice pictures for you this week! Maybe, even a pop-up book of the column just for you! In fact, here’s one:

“Wow 39 comments and they’re all about hating Wes Kirk.

Wes Kirk = 411mania’s Michael Cole.

Posted By: Guest#9318 (Guest) on June 26, 2011 at 06:24 PM”

Nah. I have talent, charisma, learn after being in a job for more than a day, a much larger brain… oh hell I could go on all day. Cole is hated not because he is a scripted heel but because he just generally sucks. I am hated because I just tell people the truth and they can’t stand it. I’m more like Roddy Piper.

“I’m not trying to be a smartass…but why on earth would anybody not think Tough Enough was fixed?

Whether or not anybody had a developmental deal to me is irrelevant.

I can’t imagine there was any criteria for elimination/advancement other than whoever Vince McMahon/USA liked best. If it was a real competition, the men and women wouldn’t have competed against each other. If Tough Enough was remotely fair there would have been two winners, one man and one woman. Not only that but I’d argue that the process should be opened up to fan voting (that is if WWE can figure out how to count votes)if the process is to be considered at all fair or democratic.

In fact I’d argue that the entire cast should have been people from developmental, with the idea that whoever Vince picks would be ready to jump right into Raw or Smackdown. In my opinion doing it this way takes full advantage of the platform. To give a guy a contract and not feature them on TV is just a squandered opportunity.

Posted By: Ronnie (Guest) on June 26, 2011 at 10:54 PM”

They tried the one man one woman thing on the first Tough Enough in 2001 I believe, and it failed pretty badly. They did two female winners on Tough Enough 2, again a failure. Tough Enough 3 had two male winners, and they could have done better but Cappotelli got a tumor and Morrison seems to have issues keeping his mouth shut backstage or else he might have been WWE Champion by now. Imagine that, your idea of having already contracted talent trained and ready to go on call is better than the one Vince came up with even though you and I know nothing about “multi-national sports entertainment and creative business strategies” because we both know what would actually work.

“You are hilarious. You think being able to type out what someone should say means you could deliver it fluently and naturally in speech, in a live environment before a packed crowd with Vince in your ear?
I agree Josh isn’t good by any means, but your argument is, as ever, stupid.

Posted By: Guest#1049 (Guest) on June 27, 2011 at 05:44 AM”

If you can’t do the job, don’t apply for it. Do you know why Josh Mathews sucks? He was on the original Tough Enough and trained to be a wrestler, but he sucked too much to become one. He became an announcer to keep earning money from WWE. Amazing, all those factors and yet guys like Jim Ross thrived in the environment and is beloved by nearly everybody. It is really simple: Either you have it, or you don’t. And none of the WWE announcers today have “IT” whatsoever so it doesn’t matter how much prep they have, Hollywood experience, writing staff, Vince’s comments, etc. because if you suck at your job, you will eventually be shown as sucking at your job. JR wanted to be an announcer and he LOVED wrestling. You can tell guys like Cole, Mathews, and so on are all there for money and money alone because passion can’t be taught. You don’t spend fourteen years in WWE and fail to improve even 25% like Cole unless the business isn’t in your blood, and it wasn’t as he was a war correspondent before heading to WWE. They need to hire people who WANT to do their job, not people who just want to make money. CM Punk and Chris Jericho regularly amaze on commentary because they LOVE wrestling. It just shows from announcer to announcer who really cares and who only shows up for that check in the mail.

I understand you all had some criticisms of the Bryan booking I proposed. Reading the booking and then checking out the things readers of my column generally enjoy, I realize where I went wrong. So, please, allow me to fix the problem.

Daniel Bryan shows up on TNA after being properly introduced and announces how happy he is to see the TNA Universe. He then tells them that he’d be happier back at his old job, which gets the nice people to boo him. Bryan tells the TNA Universe that he is the best in the world and he will prove it. Later that night, he gives an exclusive Submission Clinic Special Exhibition with three plants in the audience.

Bryan begins to compete in grueling song and dance competitions across the house show circuit, trying to out-dance such talent as Samoa Joe to “Pump Up The Jam” and Matt Morgan to “Fergalicious” and barely squeaks by. He earns his opportunity at higher talent when special guest host Leif Garrett, there to promote his new show on TruTV, gives him a match against one of the random guys that’s just there in the midcard and Bryan beats him.

The anonymous Impact GM then announces that there is a new acquisition and brings in Scott Smith, a 6’6 275 lb monster of a man who seems to enjoy the usage of bodyslams, powerslams, spinebuster slams, and flexing his biceps repeatedly. His finisher, the reverse bodyslam, puts the talent down in record time. BTW, the move is called the Smith Slam.

One day Bryan is finishing up his arm-wrestling contest with Eric Young when he refuses to stop holding Eric’s arm on the table. Smith runs out to make the save and hits CLOTHESLINE-CLOTHESLINE-CLOTHESLINE-STOPPOSEFLEX-SPINEBUSTAH! before standing tall. Bryan vows revenge and the anonymous Impact General Manager makes the match official.

Before the match Smith tells everybody his catchphrase, “if you wanna rock ‘n’ roll with me and jam, Daniel you are going to feel the Smith Slam!” and the two work an overrated basic mat match since Smith isn’t very good. Bryan cheats and knocks out Smith, latching on the dreaded REAR CHINLOCK OF DOOM~! to gain the victory as Smith passes out.

The next time on Impact Smith storms to the ring and tells everybody he’s not going anywhere until there is justice. Chimes play and the anonymous GM says that he is going to have a special vote for what kind of match Smith gets against Bryan on the next PPV. The fans overwhelmingly choose “One Fall To A Finish” with 74% of the vote.

During this match, Smith is able to hit the SMITH SLAM and get the victory but Bryan attacks after the bell and starts choking Smith with his EVIL HEEL BUSINESSMAN SUIT TIE, so he is immediately fired for a PG violation. The feud abruptly ends and is forgotten by all within two weeks.

There! That should be more your style. And since this is the last time I’ll get the chance, here’s WWE’s great booking of Daniel Bryan!

OMG FIVE STAR FIVE STAR FIVE STAR!!!!! Yeah, better than TNA my ass. It has been fun educating all of you but only the absolute cream of the crop gets in the column from now on!

This is what was supposed to make the column last week plus the new stuff:

We begin this week with some hot chick showing off an incredible body while pretending to be a business woman: Emma Frain Is A Topless Business Woman

Kelly Brook puts on some sexy lingerie and it can be seen right here! Kelly Brook Dressing In Lingerie

Steve Cook: News From Cook’s Corner features an interview with the lady who we’re hoping will be the LuchaPro Women’s Champion after tomorrow’s show in Los Angeles, Terra Calaway. How can you not love a girl whose favorite wrestler is William Regal? Usually you’re lucky if a girl doesn’t get sick if you mention wrestling, and on the off chance that they do like it, they’re all about Cena, the Hardys or somebody equally offensive. Anyway, Terra’s a wonderful girl and it’s only a matter of time before she issues a restraining order against me.

Steve Cook: The Greg DeMarco Show featured Adam Pearce, Buggy, Ari Berenstein & Michael “Little Jimmy” Ornelas. Oh, and that Cook guy too.

Steve Cook: The 411 on Wrestling is moving to Friday night so we can discuss SmackDown as well as Impact Wrestling every week. Make sure to check out the final Thursday show, then join us every Friday night from here on out!

Wes: Thanks again Steve for stopping by!

Check out Aaron Frame’s column at The Wrestling Framework where you can learn about some Japanese wrestling!

As always you can catch Sforcina’s Ask 411 right here. Uh, a title belt really doesn’t count as an “unusual” weapon in wrestling Mathew. Also it was never an officially recognized title.

Spencer’s latest two chapters come to you in a match scheduled for One Fall and I just want to mention I’d like to bang that Jade chick. Can’t blame me!

Greg DeMarco pits the battle of the brainless blondes in The Wrestling 5&1 I picked Torrie. New World Order for life, brotha.

And that ends this edition of the Wrestling Sandwich. And remember, don’t be a ninnyhammer! Look it up.

– Listen to the latest edition of the 411 on Wrestling podcast! On the show, 411’s Larry Csonka is joined by co-host Steve Cook to discuss the CM Punk promo from Monday, All Wheels Wrestling, Five Questions with Larry, Impact Wrestling, the build to Destination X and more!

You can listen to the show on the player below, or you can download the show here.

The show is also available on iTunes!