411’s Instant Analysis 07.11.11: Monday Night Raw

Welcome to this week’s Instant Analysis of Monday Night Raw. I’m your humble reviewer, Chad Nevett and this is the go home Raw before Money in the Bank on Sunday. Who else is hoping for some CM Punk awesomeness? Let’s get to it…

SEGMENT ONE: CM Punk Returns

Now that was a way to kick off Raw. CM Punk being CM Punk, recapping what’s happened, and telling us what will happen: an in-ring contract negotiation with Vince McMahon that may or may not result in him signing again with the WWE. I really liked what Punk said and how he said it, but, I have to say, I was more impressed with John Cena. Cena came out and delivered one hell of a promo on Punk, not playing the cartoon hero, but coming off as a guy who was pissed off at some asshole shitting on everything he cares about. Where was this Cena last week? This is the Cena I wanted to see last week. The Cena that doesn’t care that Punk earned his shot, the Cena that wants to face Punk so he can knock his teeth down his throat and send him packing a loser who merely thinks he’s the best. Great stuff.

Rating: 9.0 out of 10

SEGMENT TWO: Handicap Match – John Cena vs. Michael McGillicutty & David Otunga
Match Result: John Cena pinned Michael McGillicutty
Match Length: A little under ten minutes (with commercials)

Oh, like this was going to take long… the Anonymous Raw GM booked this as a ‘special treat’ on what could be Cena’s final night on Raw. Haven’t we seen Cena beat these two enough for one lifetime? Cena dominated early on, we went to commercial, Cena was down when we came back, he tried to come back a few times unsuccessfully until he was successful and got the pin on McGillicutty. Fine, but nothing we haven’t seen many, many times before. Oddly, during the last ‘Cena could be fired’ story…

I was more taken by Michael Cole’s hyperbole in describing the situation. Goddamn, that guy went over the top to sell the idea that CM Punk is the greatest threat to the greatest title in the greatest company to ever grace God’s green earth. Even Jerry Lawler balked at Cole’s hyperactive tone. Still, entertaining in its own way.

Rating: 6.5 out of 10

SEGMENT THREE: You Could Totally See that Ending Coming

Dolph Ziggler, Drew McIntyre, and Vickie Guerrero making fun of Vince McMahon only had one ending possible, but that didn’t make it any less enjoyable. I’m surprised at how long they kept it going; I expected Vince to show up a good 30 seconds or so sooner than he did. It was funny enough and set up a match. Plus, an appearance by everyone’s favorite Superstars commentator Scott Stanford is always nice. Not a great segment, but decent for the filler that it was.

Rating: 6.0 out of 10

SEGMENT FOUR: Kelly Kelly vs. Melina
Match Result: Kelly Kelly pinned Melina
Match Length: Oh, around a minute and forty seconds

Hey, remember when Melina was an actual threat? I blinked and missed the match. The Bella Twins on commentary was… not great. Nor was their post-match verbal assault on Kelly Kelly. First, Kharma was too big. Now, Kelly Kelly is too small. Maybe, some day, the Bellas will find a Diva that’s juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust right. And, then, Eve got beat down. *shrugs* Whatever.

Rating: 3.0 out of 10

SEGMENT FIVE: The Miz, Jack Swagger & R-Truth vs. Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne & Alex Riley
Match Result: Alex Riley pinned Jack Swagger
Match Length: Ten minutes (joined in progress and with commercials)

This match came out of a promo segment that was clearly designed to lead to this match. It was your parade of people to discuss the Raw Money in the Bank match and how each of them is going to win, etc., etc., etc. The interplay between the Miz and Swagger was interesting, R-Truth was funny, and Alberto Del Rio cut a pretty solid promo. We’ve seen this sort of thing many times before and I almost wish they’d just gotten to the match quicker.

The match itself was very much like the promo stuff that preceded it: predictable. But, it was more enjoyable, because seeing these guys wrestle is better than hearing half of them talk. The heels dominated much of what we saw as you’d expect with brief comebacks here and there by the faces until they finally won at the end. It looked like they’d pushed the usual match-ending string of finishers that go back and forth between faces and heels until one man stands triumphant, but Alberto Del Rio fucked that up and got to be the last man standing using a ladder as a weapon. Nice little twist. A fun, entertaining match, and exactly what you’d expect from the WWE to promote the Money in the Bank match.

Rating: 7.0 out of 10

SEGMENT SIX: Handicap Match – Dolph Ziggler & Drew McIntyre vs. the Big Show
Match Result: A double countout?
Match Length: Just under two minutes

Damn, this was just the Big Show beating the shit out of Drew McIntyre, wasn’t it? Dolph Ziggler stayed out of it like the wise coward that he is. McIntyre never really stood a chance and I assume the match ended in a double countout that the Big Show didn’t seem to notice or care about, so focused was he on killing the Chosen One. That is, until Mark Henry came out running and tackled the Big Show off the ramp. A giant squash match that served its purpose to remind us how dangerous the Big Show is before Mark Henry made his presence known. I’m not sure these two can put on a great match, but they’ve definitely done a good job at building the idea of two monsters running to kill one another.

Rating: 6.5 out of 10

SEGMENT SEVEN: Money in the Bank Spotfest Teaser Video

Hey, Money in the Bank is coming up this Sunday and, if you can’t watch it live, might I suggest following the live here recap on 411mania? Look for the recap post to go up around 7:45 pm on Sunday. No idea who will be doing this one, but it’s the next best thing to watching it live.

Also, the teaser video of highlights from past Money in the Bank matches? That’s what a true spotfest looks like…

Rating: 2.0 out of 10 (the video was decent)

SEGMENT EIGHT: The Contract Negotiation

Wow. That was wildly entertaining and exactly what was needed heading into Money in the Bank. Vince was Vince except beaten down a bit, and CM Punk was manic and over-the-top, voicing all of the complaints and concerns we of the IWC have about the WWE. Vince doesn’t know real talent, he doesn’t listen to what the people want, he doesn’t respect wrestling… Punk demanded an apology for it all and it was great. The crowd was very into this and I always enjoy something making fun of the “What?” chants. I wasn’t sure about Cena when he first came down, but he again brought it, calling Punk a hypocrite for basking in the glory of the fans right before abandoning them. The culmination with Punk running through the Boston teams that dominate pro sports and comparing them to Cena, ending with “You’re the New York Yankees!” was fantastic. It all went right here and, man, if you don’t want to see what happens on Sunday, I don’t know what the fuck you want out of wrestling. Why are you even watching?

Rating: 10 out of 10