News From Cook’s Corner 08.16.11

Believe it or not, your humble correspondent celebrated his seventh anniversary with 411 on Sunday. Seven years! OK, to be fair, I didn’t do a whole lot in the second half of 2008 or the first half of 2009, and I only did one column a week for most of 2004-2007. Furthermore, I don’t like most of my pre-2007 work. So it’s not like it’s been seven straight years of quality material…maybe the equivalent of three or four. I thought about doing one of those anniversary-type columns that the old guard liked to do back in the day where they’d get all the writers to kiss their butt & talk about how great they are, maybe throw in some “classic” material and call it a day.

I thought about it…but there’s way too much going on in the world of pro wrestling for me to worry about boosting my ego with empty platitudes from colleagues & seeking attention from my dozens & dozens of fans. This column isn’t about me, it’s about the wrestling! SummerSlam took place and had all sorts of crazy stuff going on, and one of the most eagerly anticipated women’s matches to hit the West Coast in decades is taking place this weekend and needs me to hype it up. It would not be fair of me to spend the next few thousand words talking about anything other than pro wrestling.

OK, maybe a little sports too. I aim to please!

Before we get started with the MaleBag, I need to take this opportunity to congratulate Cody Rhodes for winning the Intercontinental title on last week’s SmackDown. I know that the IC strap has seen better days, but if anybody can restore honor & prestige to the title it’s definitely Cody. The man has kicked his game up several notches over the past year and I hope he gets a long reign with lots of great opponents to work with. News From Cook’s Corner is proud to be the epicenter of the Cody Rhodes bandwagon and we’re looking forward to him becoming yet another Triple Crown winner someday.

Sheamus is nude. It’s a shameful thing – Guest#0139

Lobster head. – Good Robot Cena

Too many limes. Too many limes. – Gozzo

I am so happy they seem to have changed their minds and are keeping Sheamus’s theme the way it is. There was a new one floating around on YouTube that was a bit slower and got rid of “lobster head” & “too many limes”. There are a lot of great things about Sheamus, and his theme music definitely makes the top ten.

From the Home Office in Edgewood, Kentucky…the Top 10 Things I Like About Sheamus!

10. He seems intelligent when doing media appearances.

9. His name is fun to say.

8. He’s in Double Double E, and I love Double Double E!

7. The intensity he brings to his in-ring work.

6. His fashionable street clothes.

5. His red hair.

4. The awesome theme song with incomprehensible lyrics.

3. The Irish accent.

2. His pale white skin.

1. His popularization of the term “FELLA”.

I thought Del Rio called Punk the voice of the godless. – Guest#1474

You’re probably right, and Punk would probably agree with that description of him.

I have no problem with the chic saying her favorite match was Melina vs. Alicia Fox. It is her opinion, right? Just like we all have our own opinions…right? So, why attack a “newbie” who likely has not seen many matches outside of a few women’s matches? Makes no sense to me. If that is her favorite match – good for her! – Guest#9551

It’s not that it’s bad that’s her favorite match (that’s just an example of ignorance), it’s the fact that she’s the one getting a shot, instead of one of the countless women on the independent scene that actually know how to wrestle and are familiar with more than the last year in double-double-E (I’ll miss Kozlov, I don’t care what anyone else thought about him).

Also, I’m loathe to admit, but Masters might be a good fit in TNA. Personally, I was hoping for Harry Smith to go to ROH, but I hope that about anyone I like that gets released. – G-Walla

I do appreciate the fact that Ariane even had a favorite match, because there’s been occasions where wrestling companies will bring these girls in and they’ve never seen wrestling in their lives. G-Walla did a nice job of answering though…as I’ve said in this column before it’s a shame that great lady wrestlers in the indy scene like Sara Del Rey & Cheerleader Melissa don’t get a chance with WWE and people that can’t wrestle and know far less about the business do. Hopefully these girls will learn, as I know that not everybody that gets into wrestling knows a whole lot about it when they start. That doesn’t mean that they won’t learn.

The thing that surprised me about it most is that it wasn’t Alicia Fox’s sister saying that an Alicia Fox match was her favorite. I would have understood it then!

Cook, does the Brown family actually feel like they are building towards good teams in a rational manner? I think they won the division a few years ago, but they have generally been terrible since the Boomer Esiason days. Do they even understand that if they built a decent program players might stay? I mean, free agents might not line up to move to Green Bay, but players seem to be happy with the winning. Same could be said for Pittsburgh and Baltimore, not exactly destination spots for the young and rich.
Or are the Browns just happy to pocket the profits that no losing program should have, while complaining about the old CBA? I guess you could also reduce my question to if the Brown family is incompetent or lazily greedy? – Guest#5026

It’s a little bit of both. Mike Brown thinks that he knows everything about football because his father actually did know everything about football. You know the old saying: “Born on third, thinks he hit a triple”. He thinks he knows football, and he is not a fan of spending money on anything. So the Bengals have crappy facilities, no practice bubble for the winter months, no general manager because Mr. Football Genius Mike Brown can handle it, and basically do anything they can to save a buck. They’ve had two good seasons in the last twenty, and Mike Brown thinks that since two of them have been in the last six, that makes them “competitive” so the fans shouldn’t complain about their lack of production. Honestly, he doesn’t give a crap what the fans think as long as they buy tickets and help make his sorry organization profitable. I think he’d like the players to stay…as long as they aren’t too expensive.

(And in his defense, he did give Carson Palmer a lot of money. Too much, with hindsight being 20/20.)

Mike Brown is a good businessman. He probably does less to improve his team than any other owner in the NFL, and makes more money than most of them. That’s good for Mike and bad for the fans of his team. As for the two seasons out of twenty that his teams have been good…even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in awhile.

Dan Chupong has a few points to bring up, and we’ll address them…

1) I am the “Japan” guy. Why would DH Smith need to go to Japan? He does not need work on his wrestling, he needs work on his charisma? Yes or No?

Depending on who you ask he needs work on both. I’ve seen him have good matches, but with guys like AJ Styles & Jeff Jarrett that generally have good matches with whoever they wrestle. Harry seems to be heading in another direction, as now his family’s saying that he’s considering MMA. He’s done some grappling training in the past and people say that he’s really good at it, so I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he went into MMA. Heck, he could do that and Inoki would book him for the wrestling shows with MMA guys & Necro Butcher that he runs every once in awhile. That could work.

2)-A few columns back you said that Team 3D would not be successful in their singles runs in TNA because they were not successful in the singles run in the WWE? Will you concede on that statement after watching Bully Ray and Devon so far in their singles careers in TNA?

I will say that Bully Ray has done a lot better than I expected and has become one of the most entertaining aspects of Impact Wrestling. I did not see that coming. Devon…eh, he’s done ok lately but for the first few months there he wasn’t doing a damn thing. He definitely hasn’t done as well as Bully Ray has.

3)You said that you have no confidence whatsoever that TNA would remain with the Bound For Glory challenge and that they would forget about it and give up on it. Will you concede on that prediction? –

They’ve stuck with it. I wouldn’t say it’s been an artistic success, and it would have made a lot more sense if they did a round-robin type of deal and didn’t book random matches with little rhyme or reason. There’s also the argument to be made that the better wrestlers in the series have been totally jobbed out (Joe‘s story is well-known, and how does Styles still have less points than an injured Matt Morgan? Ridiculous.), and the fact that it’s leading to Crimson getting a title shot at Bound For Glory…well, the less said the better on that. I’m sure he’s a decent fella, but he’s greener than goose bleep, as Bill DeMott & Trish Stratus would say.

But hey, at least they didn’t give up on the concept after a month like I figured they would. That’s nice.

I saw this storyline, and knew this angle was going to draw. So I went and convinced the in laws to let me be the referee, so I can take the spotlight and claim it drew because I was involved. Just like WrestleMania was a success because I was involved. It had nothing to do with Dwayne coming back. – Triple H

A couple of weeks ago on The 411 on Wrestling I asked Larry Csonka who he’d most like to interview. Triple H’s name didn’t come up, but man would I like to sit down and talk business with him while having a few beverages. I imagine I’d learn a lot of things about WWE over the past fifteen years that I had no idea about…assuming he isn’t just working me. Either way it’d be good times.

Seriously though we all need to stop with any playoff predictions. Remember the 83 win 2006 World Champion St. Louis Cardinals? – gpjunk

That did cross my mind sometime Monday night after posting the column. Man that was a bad year of baseball. I’d forgotten the Reds finished 3 games out with a pedestrian 80-82 record. Things do look a little bit better for the prospective Central champion than they did last week, as the Giants have gone off the rails and now the Diamondbacks have the worst first place record. So if the West teams continue to fall over themselves there’s a good chance that they’ll be playing Philly in the first round while the Central champ will get the Braves.

As the fan of a team who wallowed in the mediocrity of Bud Selig ownership, do you have any advice for a disgruntled Dodger fan who’s biggest news this and possibly next season is the McCourt Divorce? It really seems as if there is truly no end in sight! – Guest#3133

I’m not a Brewers fan, but I’ve suffered through arguably the worst ownership in professional sports over the past twenty years as a Cincinnati Bengals fan. Assuming that Frank McCourt isn’t going anywhere, the prospects for the Dodgers do not look good. With no NFL team & the NBA nowhere to be found due to the lockout, Dodger fans won’t even have other sports teams to get behind. It’s going to be tough unless MLB can get the franchise out of McCourt’s hands and into somebody else’s. Mark Cuban would be the best possible scenario, but I don’t see MLB ever letting that happen.

My advice to you depends on whether you live in the LA market or not…if so, Los Angeles has tremendous weather and I’d focus on sitting on the beach at night & enjoying the atmosphere instead of watching baseball games. I know that’s not the “loyal fan” thing to do, but it’s not like the Dodgers are being loyal to their fans. I don’t think enough people realize that loyalty is a two-way street. And it’s easier said than done to tune out your favorite baseball team (though I‘m finding it easy to tune the Reds out now that they‘re out of the chase), but I have to imagine it’d be easier in LA than in most places. Lots of distractions there.

If you live out-of-market I’m pretty sure you’re allowed to change your fan allegiance. I’d have to re-consult Bill Simmons’ column on the subject, but I’m pretty sure if you live in a different market long enough you’re allowed to adopt that team as your own. You can keep the Dodgers as a secondary team that you can jump back on if they get their ducks in a row.

As far as the releases from the WWE go, the Masters thing baffles me as well. The announcers were high on the guy – or were told to build him up, at any rate – and he has all the right stuff. He fits the WWE mold so well that when he came back, the guys in the ‘E were probably trying to figure out how to get ten more of him. Zack Ryder might joke about how the WWE drops the ball/misses the boat/being on a different page from him, but for how much the ‘E isn’t seeing what they’ve got, Masters is one of the biggest examples. Other cases include the pirate persona of Paul Burchill, Jack Swagger’s top championship run, and Khali in general (but at the opposite end of the spectrum). At times, I really wonder how the people in WWE Creative get jobs. It’s gotta’ be something along the lines of, “Okay, so, how many scripts have you written that actually got broadcast?” “Seven, and they were all for sitcoms on cable television.” “So you’re changing to wrestling because?” “The paycheck is better.” “Good enough for us, welcome to the team!” – Nickels & Vines

Masters had to rub some people the wrong way…it’s the only way I can explain his treatment from WWE. I’m not saying he did it on purpose, it just seems to me that there had to be somebody there that didn’t like him. They liked him enough to bring him back, but not enough to take him off Superstars and do anything with him. He was right in that boat with Zack Ryder as somebody that WWE missed the boat on…fortunately for Ryder I think they’re getting the message on him, but Masters’ message didn’t arrive in time.

Check out that pic from The Teen Choice Awards. 4 big boobs! – gary

I’m a bit ashamed that I didn’t come up with that line myself. I suppose I was distracted by Maryse, which happens from time to time. And now, some SummerSlam thoughts!

-We started off with one of the guys from Tool doing the National Anthem. I’m a rock kind of guy, but I’ve never gotten into Tool for whatever reason. Not my cup of tea.

-I think the opening six-man consisted of three pairings that they were thinking about having as singles matches for this show (Rey/Miz, Morrison/Truth, Kofi/ADR), but I guess since Rey’s apparently not 100% they decided to throw them all into one match. It was a fun little six-man tag that got the fans happy to start the show, I had no real problems with it and I don’t think anything got screwed up too bad.

-Johnny Ace talked! I was worried about that when Dave Meltzer reported last week that they didn’t want him to talk anymore…which would be the wrong call because he’s an awesome kissass heel with a hilarious voice. It got even better when Stephanie McMahon showed up to talk to the Punker. Punk scored the line of the night with “I know where that hand’s been.”

-Sheamus vs. Mark Henry was pretty fun, but what else would you expect from two big ol’ hosses just clubbering away on each other? It had an awesome finish with Mizark driving Sheamus through the barricade and squashing him into oblivion. That’s a bad man right there, and though Sheamus did his best, he didn’t have enough on this evening.

-Cee-Lo Green was a nice spot to take a bathroom break. I did come out in time to see some Divas dancing, so there was that.

-Beth had some…interesting attire tonight. They said she was going for a Roller Derby Girl look, which I guess it was like pre-Rollerjam, but it was kind of weird for her to have an outfit showing her butt for most of the match when she came in being all anti-Diva and stuff. I dunno, the color scheme was pretty bad and it just didn’t work for me. Then you had Kelly dressed up like a candy cane, so I don’t know what’s going on with the Diva wrestling wardrobes these days. Eve was looking pretty hot. Oh yeah, there was a match that Kelly ended up winning and it took way too long. It was better than Kelly’s match last month and had a pretty nice finish.

-The R-Truth/Jimmy Hart segment was fabulous. How did I not see the “Little Jimmy” punch line coming? Must have been the beer.

-Wade Barrett got a big win over Daniel Bryan in a damn fine wrestling match. Wade’s seemingly been directionless for quite awhile now, and this was the type of performance he needed to put himself back on the map. Of course it had a lot to do with Dee Bryan, who’s greatness is self-explanatory. Hopefully this will lead to more matches between the two, which I’d be all for. Big win for Wade, and a big win for England too!

-Edge coming back was a nice surprise, as was his bombshell that Christian had become a little biatch. I think he’s even more over now than he was when he was actually wrestling. Christian & Randy Orton had a really fun No Holds Barred match with good usage of weapons, hard hitting action and a tremendous finish. Really good work from them, which is exactly what we’ve learned to expect from them. The only question here is if they’ll milk another month out of it, or have Randy face a new opponent like Mark Henry.

-Cena vs. Punk II didn’t quite live up to the first installment, but it had to be expected that the emotion in Chicago couldn’t quite be matched in Los Angeles. Very well-worked match, and it had an ending that everybody is talking about. Which means it worked. Nobody predicted Kevin Nash. I predicted Del Rio winning the title from Punk, but I had no idea Nash was going to make an appearance. I like having Nash around as a character, he’s a witty son of a gun that could have some very interesting promo battles with Punk. I wasn’t really sure about him wrestling until Manu Bumb reminded me that he was pretty good during the Main Event Mafia run in TNA when he was motivated. I think he’s motivated, and assuming he’ll be working with guys like Punk, Cena & Del Rio he’ll have good enough guys around him to cover up any flaws he might have.

-I’m sure some people are worried because Punk lost the title, but I thought they did it in a way that should build some sympathy for him. Now he’s officially the anti-authority guy that fans can relate to & support. Triple H’s actions were very interesting…it sure seemed like he saw Cena’s foot on the bottom rope and decided to count 3 anyway. Was he only out to screw Cena, or was he just getting Cena out of the way so he could really pull one over on Punk? It’s unclear, and he may not give us his true motives right away. But I have a feeling that H was right when he said last Monday that what happened at SummerSlam would happen because he wanted it to.

-“Punk if you want back up you got my number. Your worth me going back on the road full time. Offer stands understand if you want to go it alone” – Kevin Nash

-I guess Punk should have taken that offer he got from Nash on Twitter.

-All in all it was a very interesting show. One of the main complaints I had about WWE earlier this year is that the shows were so predictable, and they’ve done a better job lately of mixing in some curveballs & sliders. Nothing on the show was terrible…well, there was a lame musical act that wasn’t my cup of tea, but it did provide a nice bathroom break. The show wasn’t as good as MITB, but it was a pretty solid affair.

Will we be seeing dueling Sin Caras? That’s what many people are speculating after Cara’s appearance on SmackDown Friday night, where it was fairly obvious to even the casual observer that Sin Cara wasn’t quite himself. The announcers made reference to the added muscle mass, he kept adjusting his mask like crazy, and it just wasn’t a Sin Cara-type of performance. Say what you will about Mistico and the botches he has in his WWE matches, but there’s a certain gracefulness to his movement and his botches that was missing in the match on Friday where Hunico donned the outfit. They obviously didn’t say that it was a different guy, but it seemed fairly obvious and it looked like the fans in attendance picked up on it during the match.

I guess it all depends on if they plan on bringing back Mistico or not, and it seems like the answer changes depending on what day it is. This happens with WWE sometimes. But I’d be all for a Sin Cara vs. Sin Cara feud, as Hunico would probably be a better opponent for Mistico than anybody on the SmackDown roster right now.

The annual NBC WrestleMania special aired on Saturday night, and if you missed it you didn’t miss much. Most of the show was dedicated to the Undertaker/Triple H rematch, with the Rock’s promo thrown in and some hype for Rock vs. John Cena next year. Everything else on the show was quite the afterthought. However, the show did feature one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen…Undertaker making his entrance while a Katy Perry song played. Sadly it wasn’t “I Kissed A Girl” or “Teenage Dream”, but it was still freaking hilarious. Not the best quality ever on the video, but this was the best that Roach over at Off The Team could find:

I think I could get used to it.

The show got a 1.1 rating…

*Impact fans cheer*

With 3.6 million viewers.

*Impact fans go “awwww”*

Melina may have been fired, but she was still showing up at WWE events up until last Monday when she was banned from the arena. Apparently she had been dropping John Morrison off at the events, and managed to hang around without any problems. I don’t know why John Morrison needs his girlfriend to drive him to shows, you figure with the money he’s making he could afford his own rental car.

Heath Slater was accused of choking a security guard and trying to force her to his hotel room during this year’s WrestleMania after-party. No charges have been filed yet, and one of his fellow wrestlers claims that Slater was with his fiancee that night and the incident did not occur. WWE, for their part, is separating themselves from the incident, as Jerry McDevitt told Channel 2 in Atlanta that the case had nothing to do with WWE. Nice to know the company has Heath’s back here.

In case you were wondering who Kelly Kelly kissed at SummerSlam, it wasn’t Kelly Kelly Lover, it was Sheldon Souray of the Dallas Stars. The Stars play professional hockey, a game that is played on ice. Hockey players hit a little round black disc called a puck with long sticks that curve at the end into nets. It’s tremendously popular in Canada and has a lot of teams in the United States.

Dolph Ziggler defeated Alex Riley in a dark match at SummerSlam. If it makes Dolph & Alex feel any better, the current SmackDown Money in the Bank holder worked the dark match at WrestleMania, and his match didn’t even have a finish. So keep your heads up, gentlemen.

WWE announced that referee Mike Chioda has been suspended for thirty days for violating the Wellness Policy. I thought he was looking a little extra ripped lately, but I assumed he’d been training with Ed Hochuli. There are rumors going around that Tough Enough winner Andy Leavine has also been suspended for a Wellness violation, but WWE has not reported that yet. If it’s true, I would say that they have nobody to blame but themselves since they picked him to win partially because he had a better body.

Jim Ross tweeted that he was scheduled to broadcast SummerSlam alongside Jerry Lawler & Michael Cole, but Booker T ended up joining King & Cole instead. The fact that they can’t even decide on announcers more than a couple hours before the show makes me wonder about WWE’s ability to long-term book.

Here’s a funny note about Kevin Nash’s return to WWE…he was scheduled to appear at a Freedom Pro Wrestling event last Saturday in Onalaska, Wisconsin, but they announced that he wouldn’t make it because he’d suffered a neck injury. Diamond Dallas Page replaced Nash on the card. I kind of like FPW kayfabing the fans like that, it sounds a lot better than saying “He had to work somewhere bigger than us”.

I also like this line from their buildup for his match on that card:

From headlining Wrestle Mania against Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker, to starting the New World Order, to jackknifing The Big Show, to being the first man to pin Bill Goldberg, Kevin Nash has done it all in his 21 year career in professional wrestling… except face Carlito.

And he still hasn’t, so there’s one item on Big Sexy’s bucket list that he may never check off.

-TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!

-Triple H is playing dumb. I don’t buy it.

-At least Alberto finally achieved his destiny. He’s 34 years old, so I guess that means I have seven years to figure out what mine is.

-It’s good to know that ADR will be a champion for the people. I believe him!

-I also believe that he loves Rey Mysterio. Oh, he loves beating Rey Mysterio! That makes more sense.

-R-Truth has music now. Eh, I liked it better when he came out to no music.

-Interesting booking for the R-Truth/Morrison feud, where all their important singles matches take place on Raw & they’re in a six-man on the PPV.

-R-Truth needs to stop the Little Jimmies from getting to him.

-He doesn’t, and Morrison gets the win! I guess Melina didn’t show up tonight.

-Classic Rey moments! Remember the time he got to win the World title because Eddie died? Good times.

-I don’t know why people complain about Jericho being gone when we get Miz every week doing the same thing.

-I like how Jared from Subway has to carry a sub around so people know who he is.

-Miz probably would be a better spokesperson for Subway.

-He’ll be a champion again. He’s going after the Intercontinental title?

-Tag Team title?

-Divas title?

-Internet title! Watch out, Zack Ryder!

– Nash! In a limo! Just like the old days.

-Kelly! Eve! Bellas!

-Looks like they’re trying to make Kelly eat her foot. An interesting strategy.

-I thought for sure Eve was going to lose after JR mentioned she was a cheerleader at USC. Fortunately USC is in LA so Eve was able to win.

-Nice introduction for Big Sexy!

-Nash throws Triple H under the bus! Nice!

-I wonder if Mr. Punk will buy Mr. Nash’s explanation.

-Punk’s sister’s text message got an LOL from me.

-Nash hit all the high notes that the message boards were predicting!

-JR & King are calling everybody out on their BS tonight.

-Johnny Ace is talking again. Somebody alert Meltzer!

-Didn’t Dolph & Vickie kiss all the time back in the day?

-Hell, let’s have these two on commentary all the time, this is the most entertaining the commentary’s been in months.

-Swagger had a hell of a time getting Riley up for the Doctor Bomb. He usually does that to people pretty easily. Was there too much baby oil, or did Riley completely sandbag him, or what? How strange.

-Swagger’s gonna get him some!

-Stephanie “apologizes” to Punk. I have a feeling that the OTTers’ theory that she used H’s phone to text Nash has some legs to it. That vile jezebel!

-Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne could be a fun tag team.

-I’m impressed with how the announcers are managing to bury everybody on the roster during this match.

-Kofi & Evan win, so maybe they’ll get a title shot! As somebody texting me says: “Just give them the goddamn titles”. Indeed.

-And as Penguin said, that was the worst announcing during a match since the days of WCW Thunder. I defy anybody to tell me Booker T is worse than any of those guys after the job they did on that match.

-RICARDO RODRIGUEZ!

-Rey vs. ADR kind of falls into the “things that should be good but I’ve seen way too many times to care too much” category.

-Did we ever figure out if Rey was actually injured or not?

-ADR retains after blocking the splash! Not a bad showing for the new champion.

ADR attacks Rey, so here comes John Cena to save the day! Yup, saving Rey is a good way to ensure him a face pop in Whales’ Vagina.

-I think Cena’s just bitter he’s never gotten a chance to get an MITB briefcase. It’d sure make his life a lot easier.

-It’s interesting that Triple H never resurfaced on camera after the opening segment. Lots of questions remain unanswered with him, Stephanie Punk & Nash. We sure haven’t heard the last of all that. Cena vs. Del Rio seems to be the next title program. Miz is going to be the next spokesperson for Subway. And so it goes.

Hulk Hogan’s fans want him to go on Dancing With The Stars. I don’t know if you guys have watched this show or not, but ballroom dancing takes quite a bit of agility, coordination & skill. Having seen Hulk Hogan attempt to display these things on Thursday night while trying to beat up Sting, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t last very long on Dancing With The Stars. Buzz Aldrin probably has more dexterity than the Hulkster at this point.

Speaking of Hogan, Prowrestling.net is reporting that he engaged in a heated discussion with Vince Russo over the finish of the Sting vs. Kurt Angle match at Hardcore Justice. Hogan later grumbled about how Russo didn’t know the business since he was never a wrestler. Um, hello, am I the only one who remembers Russo winning the WCW title and having all those horrible matches where he kept getting concussions? I mean, it’d be nice if it was all a nightmare, but I’m fairly sure that actually happened.

It would also help if I knew which one out of Hogan & Russo thought that the finish they went with was a good idea, so I’d know which one was wrong. OK, the other one probably had a bad idea too, but still.

Remember when Jimmy Yang appeared on Impact in one of those X-Division three-way matches? He busted out the old Flying Elvis outfit and that was really cool. Anyway, it’s been over six weeks now and Yang posted on his Twitter account that TNA has yet to pay him. In fact, he claims that they sent him a check two weeks ago & it bounced! Whoops. Listen, it’s not a good sign when checks are bouncing and front-office employees are being let go. Hopefully this Direct Auto Insurance company is giving them a bunch of money to have their logo plastered all over the Impact Zone, because paying the roster of talent that TNA employs can’t be cheap. Well, I guess it can be if you have no intention of paying them.

The riots over in jolly ol’ England led to a building where TNA housed some of their DVDs being burned to the ground. I think the best thing to do here is let my British friend Sir Richard Elsey comment on the matter…

I guess at least TNA finally generated some heat, eh?

See, if I let a British person comment on it I won’t be accused of mocking the riots. I’m pretty sure I’m not allowed to make fun of them for another couple of years or so, so you won’t see me cracking wise about how the riots started when Pippa Middleton refused to show Prince Harry the goods.

Oh come on, have you ever studied European history? Those royal family trees never had any branches, they just ran in straight lines. And people wonder why most of the kings & queens back in the day were so messed in the head. They had like ten generations of incest working against them.

Good news for you fans in Huntsville, Alabama, as starting on Wednesday you can go to Toys R Us and get a free ticket to the Impact taping on August 25 with the purchase of a TNA action figure! It’s like I always say: “If it’s free, it’s for me.” The downside is you have to go to Toys R Us and buy a TNA action figure, and I don’t know about you guys, but as somebody without children I’d feel really weird about going to Toys R Us to buy action figures. I think that ceases being acceptable behavior once you hit 13. Of course, I still bought action figures until I was 16, but I didn’t have anyone anything else to do in high school.

Crimson is feuding with Goldberg on Twitter. Well, Crimson’s trying to feud with Goldberg on Twitter…for his part, Goldberg doesn’t seem to know who Crimson is. I believe it, Bill’s probably got better things to do on his Thursday nights than watch Impact. I won’t bash Crimson for this because I’m about 90% sure that he’s getting orders from his superiors to try and start stuff with Goldberg since it worked so well whenever WCW wrestlers made grandstand challenges to people in the WWF.

What’s that? It didn’t work? Tell them that!

I know I’ve used this picture before, but it’s the only one of them I could find without Buggy beating Terra up. It’s a C-O-N…SPIRACY!

ROH held their first TV tapings for the Sinclair Broadcasting Group stations on Saturday night in Chicago. I’ll avoid spoiling any match results here for those of you planning on watching the shows next month, but one interesting development was the return of Nigel McGuinness to the company. He’ll be announcing on the TV show alongside Kevin Kelly, and they did kind of tease a return to the ring for him during one of the episodes they taped. Nigel did some commentary on ROH DVDs while he was champion in 2008 & 2009, and he usually brought some interesting insight & good insults for his rivals so he should do pretty well in that role. An in-ring return would be interesting because we still don’t know what that medical issue was that kept him out of TNA rings for many months. Hopefully that’s cleared up.

Their second TV taping will take place on October 1 in Louisville, Kentucky. Louisville, of course, is also known as “God’s Country”.

Shawn Michaels’ scheduled appearances in the United Kingdom for 1PW Management have been cancelled. This was my original report on HBK’s prospective European tour back on February 8:

Shawn Michaels will be appearing with British-based 1PW in October. Shawn will appear at three events in England, and will be part of a four-day tour of Dubai. Boy, I hope Shawn gets his money up front on this one, because this just sounds all sorts of sketchy to me and there have been reports in the past of 1PW not being the best at paying people. Hopefully they’ve gotten their stuff together and this is all on the up and up.

So I’m not surprised at all by this news. I would not assume this will lead to HBK reappearing on WWE television, but I’m not going to stop people from hoping & praying.

Here’s your update on recent ex-WWE people and where they’ll be appearing next:

-Melina will be making her first indy appearance for the Women Superstars Uncensored group on November 19 in Union City, New Jersey, where she will reportedly take on Serena Deeb. The event will be available on I-PPV.

-David Hart Smith will make his first indy appearance with Pro Wrestling Syndicate on August 20 in Ronkonkoma, New York. He’ll be in a four-way with Dan Maff, Devon Moore & the Necro Butcher. Smith is replacing Sid Vicious in the match…I’m honestly not sure whether this is an improvement or not. I kinda want to see Sid in 2011 just to see what it’s like.

-Chris Masters is going the Zack Ryder route and is making his own YouTube videos.

Not a bad first effort.

-Gail Kim will be sitting at home and looks forward to working for somebody that she respects whenever her contract expires.

-Vladimir Kozlov…well, we haven’t heard anything from him yet but there are rumors that New Japan Pro Wrestling is interested. Given his background in combat sports that doesn’t really surprise me.

Lucha Pro is holding what they’re calling their biggest show ever this Sunday in Los Angeles. Sinn “Kizarny” Bodhi will be in action & Extreme Loco will be defending the heavyweight title against Vintage Dragon in what should be a titanic struggle, but one match in particular will have the eyes of the 411 Universe upon it. Terra Calaway, Lucha Pro Women’s Champion & friend of the Corner, will be defending her title against the girl that was adopted by the Wrestling 5 &1 several months ago and has gained quite the fan following around here, Buggy!

Now, Buggy is usually an amiable girl and quite friendly to everyone, especially when she appears on Greg DeMarco’s podcast to profess her love for him. She seems like your normal girl wrestler made of Play-Doh & plutonium, happy & care-free. But what Greg doesn’t want you folks to know is that his friend Buggy has quite the dark side. He showed you the first Buggy vs. Terra encounter in Vendetta Pro Wrestling, where they had a nice scientific affair that Buggy won fair and square. He didn’t show you their second match, which took place in Lucha Pro. Why?

Fast forward to the 10:45 mark to see Shannon Ballard interfering to keep Terra from scoring a pinfall victory over Greg’s girl. Not only that, but Buggy needed Shannon’s help after the match to try & beat Terra down. Fortunately Vintage Dragon was able to put his beer down for a few minutes and run down to save the day. I have a feeling that he’ll need to keep his eyes on this match too, because Buggy probably won’t be coming alone. She’s quite the under-handed individual.

Making the match even more important is the fact that the winner will become the #1 contender for the WILD Championship and will have a match with the current champion, who just happens to be the TNA Knockouts Champion as well. Indeed, Winter awaits the winner of this match, and those of you who listened to my interview with Terra a couple of weeks ago know that she’s very excited about the prospect of working with somebody like Winter who’s been in the business for awhile and knows a lot about the art of wrestling.

That, and she has a girlcrush on her. That’s always a good thing in my book.

Be sure to come back next week when 411’s Tony Acero will give us a live report of Terra vs. Buggy! I apologize to Terra & Buggy in advance for whatever problems Tony creates while he’s there.

Make sure to tune in to The Greg DeMarco Show tonight as Greg will attempt to spread a pack of lies about how Buggy isn‘t an evil person. They’ve also got Skid Marks on the show! The guy from Tough Enough, I don’t want to speculate on other peoples’ skid marks. Don’t worry, I’ll straighten everybody out like I always do.

Aaron Frame & Wes Kirk seem to have a little feud going. Sounds like we have another match booked for 411WrestleMania! We’ve got Frame vs. Kirk, Byers vs. Hubbard, & Calaway/Cook vs. Buggy/DeMarco so far, and there’s still plenty of talent left on the 411 roster to fill up the card!

James Wright makes his 411 debut with The Heel Report, and I gotta say that I dig the concept. He ranks the top ten heels in the biz in an entertaining matter…my only complaint is that Mark Henry got royally jobbed by only making the 9 slot. James better hope that Mizark doesn’t hear about this injustice. I’ll excuse Punk being #1 even though he feels more like a face these days…those of us who’ve followed Punk his whole career know he’s a heel at heart. He hasn’t changed, crowd perception has.

Ari brings the Honor & some SHIMMER talk. With all due respect to Madison Eagles, Jessie McKay not becoming SHIMMER champion is an outrage. An outrage, I say!

Reid presents the Hot or Not. Nice banner!

Fact or Fiction featured Tony Acero, Nick Bazar & Michael Ornelas last week. Make sure to check it out this week when two more competitors step into the Thunderdome! Here’s your very obscure hints on who will be participating:

Hint 1: Hates Bret Hart & Samoa Joe.
Hint 2: Wants Vickie Guerrero to pose for Playboy.

Well, that’s all we have time for this week! The BFFs will be in tomorrow with some News Talk, and I’ll be back here next week with more News From Cook’s Corner! Until then…