411’s Instant Analysis 08.18.11: Impact Wrestling

Welcome to this week’s Instant Analysis of Impact Wrestling. I’m your hated/beloved (depending on the final rating) reviewer, Chad Nevett, and a big thanks to Tony Acero for covering the Raw Instant Analysis on Monday. I was off doing a Blogathon on my comics blog GraphiContent for charity. It was a lot of fun, but did prevent me from watching Raw until Tuesday afternoon. Holy shit, that John Cena promo was awful. Just nonsensical ‘does anyone involved in it actually watch the product or understand logic?’ bullshit. Almost up there with ‘Kurt Angle trusting anything Hulk Hogan say.’ Almost. Let’s get to it…

SEGMENT ONE: Two Old Men

Sting was pissed off about last week and wanted Hulk Hogan. Not just to talk, but for a fucking match. Well, he asked for Hulk Hogan and, instead, got a broken-down-can-barely-walk-has-been-who-should-never-ever-step-into-the-ring-again-yet-still-thinks-he’s-hot-shit in the form of Ric Flair. So, basically, no difference. What followed was cringe-worthy. Flair challenging Sting with the promise of a Hogan match to follow? That’s awful. That is flat-out awful. Then again, I don’t find old men who are liable to drop dead in the ring wrestling entertaining. It’s just sad. And this is the top of the fucking show.

Rating: 1.0 out of 10

SEGMENT TWO: Hogan’s Reaction / Bound For Glory Series – Scott Steiner vs. Devon
Match Result: Scott Steiner pinned Devon
Match Length: 55 seconds

Was the intention of Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan to make a comedy segment? Because that was one funny segment. Flair is a man who shouts gibberish and may be drunk. Hogan seemed confused by the entire thing. How about they do this every week for five minutes and stay away the ring? Throw in Scott Steiner and… well, could we handle that?

And, wait, they show a short Devon promo, but no Steiner talking? Fuck you, TNA. And that match was just kind of over. The post-match Joe stuff was exciting at first, especially when the prospect of knocking Devon’s sons’ heads together was introduced. Then, it just fizzled out when the Pope hit the ring and… and does no one else remember the black hole of entertainment that was the Samoa Joe/Pope feud? The Samoa Joe beatdown went from “JOE IS GONNA KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER!” yelled excitedly to disappointment in about twenty seconds.

Rating: 5.0 out of 10

SEGMENT THREE: #1 Contenders X-Division Eight-Man Gauntlet – Alex Shelley vs. Tony Nese vs. Kid Kash vs. Robbie E. vs. Zema Ion vs. Jesse Sorensen vs. Mark Haskins vs. Austin Aries
Match Result: Mike Haskins pinned Alex Shelley; Haskins pinned Robbie E.; Zema Ion pinned Haskins; Jesse Sorensen pinned Ion; Sorensen pinned Tony Nese; Sorensen pinned Kid Kash; Austin Aries pinned Sorensen
Match Length: I forgot to time it but it was too short

Haskins and Shelley started things. Is Haskins meant the long lost British member of MNM? They had some decent chemistry and Haskins getting the pin was surprising. Shelley is ranked last? The quick pin on Robbie E. was a lovely touch. Ion looked a little hit or miss in his tenure in the match. Some moves looked great and others looked a little sloppy. Nese and Sorensen weren’t wowing me at first, but they developed a nice little rhythm as they went on. The Kash/Sorensen bit was fine, but the match finished strong with Austin Aries’s cocky ways. It’s a shame this match was so short. Really, seven matches so quickly, basically? This should have taken up half an hour minimum. But, the right man came out on top in Austin Aries. He’s such a good cocky heel. He better win the title soon. And Brian Kendrick? What kind of man attacks someone who just ran a gauntlet and beat seven other men? I thought he was all about honor! Damn hippy.

Ric Flair ranting at his tape? He’s losing his mind of television for our entertainment, people!

Rating: 7.0 out of 10

SEGMENT FOUR: ODB vs. Mickie James
Match Result: Mickie James pinned ODB
Match Length: Around five minutes, forty-five seconds

I found the Bischoff/Traci Brooks segment hard to believe: are we to believe that Bischoff hasn’t seen Brooks backstage before? Are we to believe that Bischoff doesn’t spend most of his time backstage wandering around looking big fake tits to stare at?

At this point, I realized that the show was only halfway over and groaned “There’s still an hour left!” This match, though, was pretty good. Smooth action, a bit of storytelling with Jackie refusing to attack James on the outside even though the ref wasn’t looking, and a general sense that either woman could win. Better than I was expecting — is the Knockouts division rebounding finally?

Rating: 7.0 out of 10

SEGMENT FIVE: Bound for Glory Series – AJ Styles vs. Rob Van Dam
Match Result: AJ Styles won via DQ
Match Length: No idea

Somewhere during the commercial break, Spike TV stopped working for me… I checked some other channels and they were working fine, so it was just Spike. It came back somewhere in the middle of the match. What I saw was decent and what you’d expect from these two. Another Jerry Lynn-caused DQ loss is a little odd, but it does keep RVD away from the top of the BFGS leader board, which I like…

Rating: NR

SEGMENT SIX: Ric Flair and Sting in the Back / Eric Young Looks for Scott Baio

Flair wandering around talking to Sting (who may or may not have been there) was funny at first, but poor sound quality and it going on too long kind of killed it. Sting beating up Gunner finishes the job done on that guy. Remember when it seemed like he was getting pushed? Not that I really care, mind you. If they improved the sound (what’s the point of rambling Ric Flair if you can’t hear his gibberish?) and shortened this, it could have been a good segment.

Eric Young searching for Scott Baio… um… the odd line was funny, but, overall, this wasn’t good.

Rating: 3.5 out of 10

SEGMENT SEVEN: Crimson Calls Out Kurt Angle

God bless ‘im, Crimson tried out there, but… he just sucks. Thankfully, his one emotion, shouting, was what was called for here. Kurt Angle’s verbal beatdown was pretty good. I’m not sure why he didn’t just attack Crimson again, though. If he wants to hurt the young guys and take them out, why not attack Crimson again? Why let him walk away? That didn’t really make any sense. (And if anyone says anything about Angle wanting to beat him in the ring or honor or respect or any of that bullshit, fuck off. This is the second week of his heel turn, that stuff has no place in this story.)

Rating: 5.5 out of 10

SEGMENT EIGHT: TNA World Tag Team Championship Match – Beer Money (C) vs. Mexican America
Match Result: Hernandez pinned Robert Roode
Match Length: Almost six and a half minutes

The mixing of ‘ignorant racist’ heel Jeff Jarrett on commentary with legitimate heels Mexican America was an odd move. Why is Mexican America getting another title shot? Oh, so they can win the belts via over the top cheating. I hate it when they don’t do a title change on a PPV only to do it on TV a week or two later. I did like some of Jarrett’s comments, like studying the greats of Mexican wrestling and mentioning the Colons, or what looks like an obvious build to Chavo Guerrero coming in to feud with Jarrett and defend the family name. The finish was such over the top cheating that they obviously needed Earl Hebner in the ring, because no other ref would fall for so many cases of people distracting them. Remember when TNA had a bunch of credible tag teams? Get better soon, Chris Sabin. Get better soon.

Rating: 6.0 out of 10