The Wrestling News Experience: 08.29.11

Monday, August 29th, 2011

From 411Mania’s Canadian offices in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, this is The Wrestling News Experience, with Stephen Randle!

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Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I am Stephen Randle, purveyor of wrestling news and the occasional awkward analogy involving waterfowl. Well, you try and do it sometime. It’s harder than you think.

Moving on.

Last week, CM Punk and John Cena faced off one more time, this time to determine who would face Alberto Del Rio at Night of Champions. One might question how John Cena gets a rematch for a title he never truly won, but if one did, one would not be working in WWE for very long. Anyway, at the climax of the match, Kevin Nash, who had earlier been escorted from the arena by WWE COO HHH (yes, I did that on purpose), returned to distract Punk and cost him the match, while VP of Talent Relations Johnny Ace (I’m not typing that name) looked on in seeming approval. It seems like Punk’s accusations of a conspiratorial nature may be bearing fruit, but who exactly is behind it all? I mean, it’s Vince, but let’s pretend we don’t know how this ends and enjoy the ride.

And the conspiracy doesn’t stop there, as R-Truth and The Miz have united in their own beliefs that the conspiracy is real, and it’s preventing them from challenging from the WWE Title. But in the meantime, they’re a newly-formed super tag team, and it just so happens that another newly-formed super tag team, Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne, won the tag titles last week. Could a series of matches be far behind?

Plus, maybe at some point Beth Phoenix and Natalya will do something more than stand at the top of the ramp and clap for Kelly Kelly. Maybe it’ll be tonight, on Raw!

And don’t forget, this week Smackdown will be live on Tuesday night at 8 pm EDT, in a dual-brand Super Smackdown spectacular! They didn’t actually advertise it as “spectacular”, but I liked the alliteration.

Will The Real Sin Cara Please Stop Botching Things?

Sorry guys, the following stories might be a bit depressing, but for your convenience I’ve arranged them in descending order from “sad, but still kind of funny” to “absolutely soul-crushing”. So read as much or as little as you can stand before your heart breaks into pieces and leaves you an emotionless automaton, incapable of feeling anything for anyone, ever.

Anyway, we start things off with the twisted tale of Sin Cara and what you can accomplish when the massively hyped wrestler you’re pushing can’t adapt to WWE Style but happens to have a gimmick that involves a fully-obscuring face mask and not saying a single word because he can’t speak English. In this case, it’s common knowledge that since Sin Cara failed a Wellness test and was subsequently suspended, an FCW talent known as Hunico, who just happens to have some lucha abilities, has been filling in under the mask. It’s also well-known that there were people backstage who were not exactly thrilled with the fact that Sin Cara was not adapting well to the differences between lucha and WWE style, and while Hunico took over the in-ring role, whispers began that WWE might make the switch permanent, and think of something different for the original Sin Cara, including the possibility of a “Cara vs Cara” match in the future.

All this takes us to this past week’s Smackdown, which took place after Sin Cara had already returned from his Wellness suspension and was reportedly working house shows leading up to TV. At the tapings, someone in Sin Cara’s gear took part in a match against Heath Slater that had to be re-taped twice, first re-doing the finish, then coming out later in the night and completely re-wrestling the entire thing, which had the side effect of shoving a Divas match that would have featured Natalya wrestling in her hometown of Calgary off the card entirely. And the end result of all those re-shoots was a horribly cut-together skeleton of a match that lasted two minutes and made no sense.

Now, from watching the match on Smackdown, the footage used clearly involved Hunico under the mask, so he at least wrestled the final re-take. There seems to be confusion over which Sin Cara wrestled the original match, but the majority believes that it was Hunico all night, even though Mistico was in the building and had, as mentioned, been wrestling house shows. Regardless of who was the future Botchamania star in the ring on Smackdown, the final word out of backstage is that Mistico, the original Sin Cara, has been sent home and many are saying that he has likely wrestled his last match with the company, although no final decisions have yet been made. No doubt WWE will not be announcing his release with as much pomp as they did his signing.

And because top ten lists get hits, I present to you, the Top Ten WWE Careers That Cratered Almost As Fast As Mistico’s.

10. Outback Jack – I feel like they should have included him when they were showing that slideshow of tense Ameri-Australio relations during that Simpsons episode.
9. Friar Ferguson – Really, just pick any of Mike Shaw’s gimmicks and put them here.
8. Sisters of Love – You may know these two better as The Headbangers. Unless you’re one of the many who never watched Shotgun Saturday Night and have no idea what I’m on about.
7. Beaver Cleavage – When even Vince Russo can’t reasonably explain how your gimmick is supposed to work, you’re in trouble.
6. Nathan Jones – His highest profile match was one in which they were so scared he’d screw up that they actually took him out of it while the PPV was in progress!
5. Kizarny – For a crazy carny gimmick, he sure was boring as hell in the ring.
4. Jesus – His debut PPV match was a street fight against John Cena. His last PPV match was the same one.
3. Buddy Landell – Remember when he wrestled Ahmed Johnson on PPV? No? You’re not alone.
2. Mordecai – Kevin Fertig: Man of 1,000 Failed Gimmicks That Could Have Been Cool.
1. Buff Bagwell – The Invasion would have failed without him, but probably not quite as quickly.

Running Out Of Hardy-Related Puns

Moving on, we have the man who is apparently too insanely screwed up for TNA, and I remind you that TNA is bringing Jeff Hardy back in the near future and is promoting another Ric Flair match. I’m talking, of course, about Matt Hardy, who spent last week driving his car into a tree, getting arrested, being hospitalized after he collapsed with a mysterious ailment, and interspersing the entire thing with bizarre Twitter posts and a YouTube video where he attempted to be re-making an even lower budget version of Paranormal Activity in the confines of his own house. Things went from borderline hilarious to unsettling and even scary almost overnight, between his collapse and Twitter messages from his girlfriend, Reby Sky, who spoke of being tired of enablers, and claiming to be the only reason why Matt was still alive.

For his part, while his Twitter posts didn’t get any less cryptic over the week, Matt did seem to be talking as if he might have noticed that his actions have gotten less and less explainable, and spoke of seeing the light and making changes. One has to hope that Matt has caught himself before things spiral too far out of control, but given the fact that his brother is still facing trial for a drug-related arrest and yet will be returning to TNA in the coming weeks to beg the fans for “one more chance”, despite having had about sixteen more chances than the average human being, I remain worried that he won’t have any real incentive to do so.

Nobody Wants To Be The Man Anymore

And to wrap things up we have the sad and disturbing case of Ric Flair, who returned to TNA a couple weeks ago to re-ignite his decades-long feud with Sting, who apparently thinks he’s The Joker now. Before we get into it, can I request that his next comic-based persona shift be Guy Gardner?

Anyway, this week a writer for the Bill Simmons-hosted website Grantland ran a piece in which he amassed the career of the Nature Boy, from his debut many decades ago to his return to TV this month. But this wasn’t a prestige piece on the many five-star matches and legendary feuds of the man who has been considered by many fans to be the greatest wrestler of all time. No, rather than the heights, this article summarized the depths of the life of Ric Flair, including his life-changing plane crash, his many divorces and their related issues, his legal troubles, and most importantly, his significant financial problems which have taken a man who spent a lifetime portraying a wealthy wrestling playboy and reduced him to a senior citizen who has to wrestle just to keep paying alimony. And even though he’s at least a couple millon dollars in debt, Flair seems incapable of living within his means, as the article details his extravagant four-digit dining bills even while he is simultaneously attempting to put his NWA Title belt up for collateral to two different debts. And while it’s always been a running joke that Flair has had money problems late in life, to have it all listed in a multiple page article in stark black and white is a very sobering look at a man who beyond just being a case study for “why you should save your money” and more and more looks like main character from Mickey Rourke’s heartbreaking movie The Wrestler, a man who couldn’t survive life outside of wrestling, because the highs of being The Man just can’t compare to the lows of everyday life.

– And after I went and made a clarification on my number for Money in the Bank buys, it turns out that my number was close to correct, as the final tally is coming in at somewhere around 185,000, which is up from last year’s number, but not a reason to celebrate, because last year’s number was one of the worst of the modern era.

– Goldberg will be returning to the wrestling ring for a charity event, which begs the question, are there still people who would pay to see Goldberg wrestle?

– Mick Foley has all but guaranteed that he’ll be back in WWE in the future, which explains why they bother still dragging out that Raw GM podium these days. Well, if you can think of a better reason I’d like to hear it.

– Scratch that, I don’t want to hear it.

– A porn parody of Hogan Knows Best was just released. What took them so long? They film 23,000 porn movies a day and the show was cancelled two years ago.

– Todd Grisham has moved on from WWE to accept a position with ESPN, much like Jonathon Coachman before him. Hey, ESPN, if I take up a collection, will you take Michael Cole off our hands, too?

– The Rock is reportedly producing a pro-wrestling based drama alongside Jerry Bruckheimer, with a “put pilot” apparently in production. I’ll play along, but they’d better not cancel something I like in exchange.

999. Ric Flair Been a while since I did an extra-special Reverse Power Rankings, and this seems like an easy week for one. And no, it wasn’t really an expose, because all the items in the article were public knowledge, but like I said, it’s pretty overwhelming to see it all catalogued in one place.

998. Matt Hardy This could have been almost a tie, because of the incredible levels of denial in both men, but Matt’s still relatively young and has a better chance at getting his stuff together and fixing his issues. Sadly, I’m not sure the same can be said for Flair.

997. Ted DiBiase Seriously, how could the son of the Million Dollar Man be any more of a joke at this point? It’s one thing when already-established main eventer Randy Orton leaves you in the dust of Legacy, but when your former tag partner, who nobody was predicting for greatness initially, decides you aren’t even worth keeping as a lackey? That’s pretty bad.

996. Sin Cara (Mistico) It’s a good thing he’s a legend in Mexico, because he’s pretty much a punchline in the rest of the wrestling world. Hunico may not be any better overall, but if he can keep it together, he might have accidentally backed into the highly marketable gimmick that his entire career could be defined by.

995. Eric Young I mean, I’d l’m sure Young loves that he’s getting paid to hang out away from the ring and stalk Scott Baio, but I think this pretty much cements TNA’s Legends/Global/TV Title as the least valuable belt in North American pro wrestling.

994. Heath Slater It takes two to tango, and the One Man Southern Rock Band has to share some of the blame for the atrocity on Smackdown. Plus, his new entrance music is, to put it politely, ear rape.

993. Zack Ryder Sure, Bret Hart was guest GM, but what about the Assistant (to the) GM? Where was he? And then you read about him being used to put over a returning Mason Ryan on house shows, and an old familiar feeling starts to come over you.

992. Santino Marella Attacked during your entrance? Harsh. To be fair, he has won a match in the last five years, but has he actually wrestled a full match one-on-one that lasted longer than two minutes? Do we even know if he can wrestle better than he did at his debut?

991. Tyson Kidd Continuing to slip into the role of “new Chavo”, guy who puts everyone else over because he’s smaller than everybody on the roster who isn’t Rey Mysterio, Kidd loses another match, which isn’t a shock, but losing to Trent Barreta? On NXT? Well, at least it wasn’t the leprechaun.

990. Daniel Bryan Man, it’s a good thing that he’s got that briefcase, because D-Bry can’t buy another win these days. Sure, his opponents are on top of the card, but if he can’t beat any of them, where does that leave him?

Inactive List as of 08.22.11

WWE Raw

– Big Show, out 3 months as of July 18th (broken leg)
– Chris Jericho, out indefinitely as of September 27th, 2010 (punt-related injury)
– Goldust, out indefinitely (torn rotator cuff)
– Husky Harris, out indefinitely as of January 31st (punt-related injury)
– Kharma, out 9 months as of May 23rd (pregnancy)
– Mason Ryan, day-to-day as of June 26th (unknown injury)
– Rey Mysterio, day-to-day as of August 16th (awaiting MRI results)
– Skip Sheffield, out indefinitely as of August 20th, 2010 (broken ankle)

WWE SmackDown

– Kane, out 3 months as of July 22nd (broken leg)
– Layla El, out indefinitely as of May 23rd (ACL/MCL surgery)

TNA

– Chris Sabin, out indefinitely
– Jeff Hardy, out indefinitely as of March 14th (suspension)
– Matt Morgan, out 4-6 weeks as of July 26th (torn pectoral)

Transactions

– Cookie, TNA, released from her contract

– Rey Mysterio, RAW, out six months as of August 23rd (knee surgery)

– Sin Cara 1.0 (Mistico), SD!, sent home from Smackdown tapings

– Todd Grisham, WWE, released from his contract

WWE

WWE Champion: Alberto Del Rio
– 15 day reign, defeated CM Punk by cashing in Money in the Bank on August 14th (SummerSlam PPV)
– Next title defense: vs John Cena, Night of Champions PPV

World Heavyweight Champion: Randy Orton
– 15 day reign, defeated Christian on August 14th (SummerSlam PPV)
– Next title defense: vs Christian, Steel Cage Match, August 30th Super Smackdown

WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes
– 17 day reign, defeated Ezekiel Jackson on August 12th (Smackdown)

WWE United States Champion: Dolph Ziggler
– 71 day reign, defeated Kofi Kingston on June 19th (Capitol Punishment PPV)

**NEW** WWE Tag Team Champions: Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne
– 7 day reign, defeated David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty on August 22nd (Raw)

WWE Divas’ Champion: Kelly Kelly
– 70 day reign, defeated former champion Brie Bella on June 20th (Raw)

TNA

TNA Heavyweight Champion: Kurt Angle
– 22 day reign, defeated Sting on August 7th (Hardcore Justice PPV)

TNA Tag Team Champions: Mexican America
– 11 day reign, defeated Beer Money, Inc. on August 18th (Impact)

TNA X-Division Champion: Brian Kendrick
– 50 day reign, defeated Abyss on July 10th (Destination X PPV)

TNA Knockouts Champion: Winter
– 22 day reign, defeated Mickie James on August 7th (Hardcore Justice PPV)

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions: Tara and Miss Tessmacher
– 39 day reign, defeated Rosita and Sarita on July 21st (Impact)

TNA Television Champion: Eric Young
– 95 day reign, defeated Gunner on May 26th (Impact)

De Marco has the Wrestling 5&1

Reid has Hot or Not

Martell has The Triple Threat

Kirk has The Wrestling Sandwich

Ari has Column of Honor

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That’s our show, That Damned Cook is in tomorrow, I will be back next week. Plus, don’t forget to look for me this Tuesday in the Games Zone for Four Player Co-op.

This last part has nothing to do with wrestling, but it’s something I have to say. It’s about politics, but it’s not political. It’s just a story that I feel needs to be told. If you want, you can just skip to the links at the end, I won’t mind.

Jack Layton, leader of the Official Opposition Party of Canada (look it up, I’m not explaining the Canadian political system right now), passed away last week. He beat cancer once. He campaigned even after breaking a hip. He took his party, which has been a political afterthought for its entire history, to unprecedented heights and made them a force to be reckoned with in Canadian politics. His force of personality and belief and character was so strong that when I voted, I voted with the knowledge that I was choosing someone who I believed was the best man to represent this country.

Six weeks after the election, he stepped down to fight a second, completely new form of cancer. And last week, knowing his time was short, knowing he was at the very threshold of death’s door, he took the time to draft a letter to the people of Canada, a letter that spoke of hope, of optimism, of how we can have a great country that is economically strong as well as socially responsible, if we all work together and help each other. In his darkest hour, he chose to spend that time giving light to other people. Whether you supported his political stance or not, he was without question a great man, a great person, and a great leader, and he will be remembered in Canadian history forever.

Here it is, from his last letter to the people of Canada, reprinted for the world to share, your Moment of Jack.

Have a good one, and always be a fan.