News From Cook’s Corner 08.30.11

Granted, it’ll still be better than a Randle column, but not up to the high standards I set for myself.

Speaking of writing, 411 is hiring new writers! It seems like once every couple months we’re hiring new Raw & Impact recappers & new wrestling news reporters. Lots of turnover in those jobs. Can you be the person for the job? Send a sample to Larry Csonka and maybe you’ll get the gig. Yes, I noticed that Larry put over his recaps as “great examples” while he said this column was “an example”. This is actually a step up for me, as in previous hiring posts over the years Larry referred to this column as a “bad example”. But, honestly, the last thing this website needs is another Steve Cook. We need different perspectives on things. That’s part of why I brought the guy that you all hate on board. I’d be all for the rest of you coming on board too, because anybody smart enough to read this column is worth bringing in. So step up to the plate, take a shot and see what you got.

And really, if you’re a Impact fan, don’t you want somebody that loves your company recapping your show? This seems so obvious to me. It’s not like Larry wants to do it every week, and I sure as hell don’t want to. If you love the TNA, you need to put your money where your mouth is, and do the show its proper justice. Show us the brilliance of Impact Wrestling!

“I think Punk just spoiled Santa Claus for all of Cena’s fans.”

Nah, my son just said, “Santa Claus is real so Punk just admitted Cena’s rematch is real.” – gpjunk

I like that. Reds are only two and a half games behind the Cardinals now, which would matter if the Brewers weren’t ten games ahead of the Cardinals. Remember when that seemed like it’d go down to the wire? The Brewers are for real, yo. I know they got that whole “can’t win on the road” thing going, but if they keep winning they’re going to get homefield advantage and then it won’t matter because they’re practically unbeatable at home. Oh, and it turns out that the NL team has homefield advantage in the World Series. Do not be surprised if the Milwaukee Brewers win the World Series. I won’t.

Del Rio in his current form can’t compete with Cena, Punk, HHH or Nash on the mike right now, not whilst all he can come out with is “Destiny” and “I’m the champion” so why have him try? He kicks all sorts of arse in the ring so why not play this up? If Raw had started with a 15 minute Del Rio Morrison match leading into Punk etc.. coming out I think he would’ve looked 10 times better than he did becuase he just stood there looking like an idiot. It was eerily reminiscent of Punks first World Champion promo where Batista, JBL and Cena put the world to rights and he just stood there he even used the “MITB is a gruelling match” line that Batista used. I realise this isn’t how the WWE usually opens the show and they like to set it up at the beginning but something like this would’ve changed things up a bit and helped the WWE champion look like less superfluous if I’m honest. A minor quibble though because quite frankly this is the most fun I’ve had watching wrestling for a long long time.

Also R-Truth fucking rules!! – Chris McCallum

R-Truth does rule, which still amazes me because I had no use for him for at least the last five years. He’s had two periods of time where he was awesome: right now & in very early TNA when he was complaining about being discriminated against. I didn’t have much use for him in 3 Live Kru or much of anything he’d done in WWE until he started complaining about Little Jimmy. But now he’s like the coolest person ever, and it’s a beautiful thing. The moral of the story is that R-Truth is at his best when he’s not a gooood R-Truth.

I think ADR’s better on the microphone than a lot of people want to give him credit for, and it wouldn’t fit for him to be all shooty & making inside references. He’s a Mexican aristocrat that’s worth more than all the other guys in the locker room, and he can outwrestle them too. Why should he care about all the backstage politics & who the people cheer for? He’s above all that. He’s Alberto Del Rio, he’s achieved his destiny, and he’s the best wrestler in WWE. That’s all he needs. Of course, if they’re dumb enough to have Cena beat him for the title the first time out, we’ll need to revisit his situation.

English ain’t the guy’s first language anyway. I tend to cut guys like him & Claudio Castagnoli a bit of slack because of that.

Wouldn’t it be funny if it turned out that dealing with Matt is the reason Jeff does all those drugs? I no longer blame Lita for cheating on Matt either. Both should use WWE’s open offer of rehab for all former talent. Won’t happen, but they should. Have to admit they have a problem first though. – Guest#8781

See, that’s the thing. As long as fans are chanting “One More Chance” at Jeff & Matt has all his online groupies telling him that he doesn’t have a problem, they’re going to keep doing what they do. All of you encouraging these people are enablers. Just keep that in mind the next time you re-tweet Matt’s latest claim that he’s turned over a new leaf, or cheer your head off when Jeff walks down to the ring after you went on the Internet the day before and said “How could they bring him back?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?” It’s because you allow it.

Well, not you, Guest#8781. But you understand what I’m getting at.

Good win for Terra but next time they face off I think Buggy will win. – Still Guest#8287

Child please.

After reading Hardy and Goldberg’s tweets, I’m amazed at how big of marks they are for themselves. Who in your opinion do you think is the biggest mark for themself? I’d love to see a tournament that readers could vote on. – The Big Fat F*g

Man oh man. I wouldn’t even know where to start with a tournament of wrestlers that mark out for themselves, so we’ll stick with these two. It’s a tough call, but I’m tempted to go with Matt Hardy, if for no other reason than Goldberg generally has his act together and hasn’t done anything nearly as stupid as Matt has. That, and I think Goldberg has more of a reason to think highly of himself than Matt does. I think they make the Final 4 of a tournament of this nature, with Kurt Angle & Hulk Hogan completing the quartet.

Wes Kirk this, Wes Kirk that. Goddamn, people he’ll be here forever because he gets you fuckers talking about him. Ignore him and don’t click his shit if you don’t like him, that’s what I do (though I did like his look back at an old wrestler the 2 or 3 times I read the sandwich, meaning before Cook stopped contributing). – G-Walla

G-Walla is one of the scant few people that understands the Wes Kirk topic, and my favorite part of Wes’s writing is the old-school feature. My least favorite is the inordinate amount of him he dedicates to comments, but he knows this. I just thought it was pretty amazing that you guys were more interested in Wes Kirk than anything else I talked about last week. I mean, Wes is an interesting guy and all, but honestly I’d rather talk about wrestling and the people actually involved in it.

Or hot chicks.

Or sports.

As a writer on this website, how would you feel if you posted a comment on another article that was mostly positive and that article’s author wrote a hate-filled paragraph insulting your work?

Also, as a writer for this website, would you consider it hypocritical of yourself to call other writers unprofessional while you insult everyone who disagrees with you as welfare recepiants? – August

1. As a general rule if you’re going to do any kind of writing anywhere, you can’t worry too much about people insulting you and your work. If you do, you’re not going to last long. Look at me. I’ve always gone out of my way to be nice to people and comply with any requests they might have. You know where that’s gotten me? Spit on, kicked in the balls and disrespected by every single person I’ve ever done anything nice for.

And people say I don’t like TNA….I just totally ripped off Kurt Angle there!

2. I don’t do those types of things. It might work for other people, but it’s not my deal.

“We don’t need shades of grey. If there’s nobody on the show that comes off as sympathetic, or like a nice guy, you’ve got nobody to root for. Who wants to watch a show full of assholes? We want nice people”

On Cena in particular, I honestly don’t think he could turn heel now if he tried. The very people who hate him now would like him again for finally doing something different. Reactions would still be 50/50, they’d just be flipped. – Jason Douglas

All of these things are true, but nice people do bad things all the time. Rey’s a nice guy 98% of the time…there are those moments where he does things like be mean to Alberto, and I certainly didn’t condone his behavior towards Cody Rhodes, but generally he’s a stand-up guy and a fine role model. Edge is all right as long as you don’t bring your girlfriend around him, and while Triple H has done a lot of evil things in the past, he also exhibits likeable qualities like loyalty to his friends. If you’re good to him he’s good to you…generally. Kane is ok if you avoid him during that time of the year. Now, I can’t really defend Randy Orton, he truly is a sociopath, but people are willing to overlook that as long as he attacks people that they don’t like. That may say more about the WWE Universe than it says about him.

Undertaker’s a good person too. He warns people not to do things like drinking & driving:

I do agree with you that a heel turn for Cena may be a moot point because the people at shows that boo him now would probably start cheering him because he’d be freshening up his act. The secret would be to get him to do it in a way that nobody would approve of. And keep it PG.

I miss bra and panties matches. At least then we would have seen a little more of AJ by now. – octopig

For those of you wondering why I fill this column up with pictures of hot chicks…this is why.

And now, the fake news!

So, on Monday night Triple H announced that stars from SmackDown would be appearing on Raw every week. Last week I’d seen people speculating that the brand extension may be over, and this certainly seems to back that line of thought up. Honestly, I think it’d be ok at this point. The way the shows are, it doesn’t seem like it’d affect things that much. I know, Larry always makes a big deal about this and that makes me feel like I should, but it is what it is. F the brand extension!

Apparently they are unhappy with how the SD house shows are drawing, and feel they would get better if those stars got more exposure on Raw. Well………….duh? This does not seem like news to me. Raw is by far the most-watched wrestling show in the United States. So it stands to reason that if the SmackDown stars were on Raw more, and if that show was on a night other than Friday, the show would probably do better in the ratings. This is not rocket science.

Michael McGillicutty would like to change his name. Well, who would blame him? Apparently he went to Johnny Ace with this request, and he was told that when he started wrestling like a Hennig, he could call himself a Hennig. Guess what…I agree with this. It works the same way in Lucha Libre, as second-generation athletes often have to earn the right to claim their families’ name. It probably won’t make sense to most of you, but I can see why some people would not want this guy to claim himself as a Hennig. Curt was a great wrestler, and Larry wasn’t half-bad either. This guy needs to earn it.

Yeah, me & Johnny Ace are on the same page here. What about it?

Kevin Nash’s return is not currently scheduled to be a long-term deal. He was specific in his request to work with CM Punk, which makes sense because he did make that random tweet about Punk right after he did that classic promo in Las Vegas. So those of you worrying that Nash is going to bury the Punker…I wouldn’t worry about it.

The next issue of WWE Magazine will feature an exclusive interview with CM Punk, featuring an “uncensored” & “shocking” interview with Punk that they were told not to print. But they did anyway, because they figured this would be a good way for people like me to mention them in my column. Smart move on their part.

Rey Mysterio reported on his surgery on his Twitter, saying that the pain is more than he’s ever felt, but he’s going to be ok. Not exactly encouraging comments from Rey, but I’m still guessing he’ll be back by WrestleMania because the payoffs are highest then.

Mick Foley recently mentioned in a blog entry that there’s a rumor out there that he’ll be returning to WWE soon. How come I never hear about these rumors until wrestlers tell me about them? Honestly.

-Oh my God they’re in Oklahoma. Poor JR.

-I think HHH just did away with the brand split.

-Woah, Nash has theme music now!

-I think he just told us who sent the text.

-Nash is killing it tonight.

-So is Punk!

-Nash vs. CM Punk at Night of Champions! I can dig it. And H has two words for both of them! I don’t know what to make of any of this.

-Yeah, I think we can pretty much declare this “brand extension” thing dead. Sorry Larry!

-When did Randy start using the Thez press? Probably during some other match when I called him an Austin clone.

-Zig Zag on the floor!

-Maybe Dolph should have stayed on SmackDown.

-Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

-See, I don’t think that Raw on Monday & Smackdown on Tuesday is such a bad idea, they’ve hyped SD during this match more than they have for the past month.

-Man these guys work well together.

-Yeah, RKO’s a sociopath, but I still like him.

-What the hell is Cena talking about? ADR has been a fighting champion!

-I think Cena is anti-Mexican

-He better hope he’s not anti-black too, or else Mark Henry will kill him.

-What, is Christian some kind of dumbass? He’s going to argue what Mizark just said? Not very smart.

-Christian is complaining about himself.

-Woah, Cena shot on his tan! But he better shut up about Henry’s breath.

-Looks like Sheamus survived the steps!

-Mizark will fight, but Christian is a pussy! Well, never mind.

-HHH booked Henry & Christian against Cena & Sheamus? Craziness!

-Miz & Punk bringing the awesomeness so far.

-I do like Lawler pointing out that Miz isn’t lost in the shuffle.

-CM Punk got stuck again, by Sexy Kevin Nash! That’s what JR said!

-Hey Sin Cara didn’t botch anything! Nice!

-Jeez, these guys can’t even enter together and they expect us to buy them as a tag team.

-I will say that AIR BOOM is a fine tag team name.

-And they are successful in retaining the tag team championships! Well done!

-God the Bellas are so hot.

-Yeah Twin Magic! I love it! Brie & Nikki are absolutely fantastic.

-Love them.

-Fine main event., Cena & Sheamus remained on the same page!

-Woah, Punk vs. HHH at Night of Champions? That seems abrupt!

-And where has Alberto Del Rio been this whole show?

So, it seems like the main story involving TNA talent this week is an article on Grantland involving Ric Flair, which you can click on here. It doesn’t contain a whole lot of new information unless you’re a casual fan with a short memory, but I think it’s worth reading, especially if you’re a young wrestler working your way up. I mean, you’ll probably never make as much money as Ric Flair has over the years, but it’s worth reading so you’ll know how not to spend your money.

Flair’s response to the article was to say he was going to sue because he didn’t have alcoholic cardiomyopathy like the article claimed he had, but it turns out that if you read his book it states that he has it. So I guess he didn’t really have a good response after all. I’m honestly not sure if it qualifies as news or not…I’ve known that Ric Flair has been a joke for a long time now, and unless my name is Mark Madden and I want to hide my head in the sand & continue to claim that he’s the greatest wrestler of all time and it doesn’t matter if he’s a complete laughingstock outside of the ring…maybe I should keep my mouth shut?

I’m not sure. I still think Flair’s a joke. And I’m pretty sure Madden’s a joke too, though I’m not sure I should harp on that too much because he might sue us. He nearly sued one website because Chris Hyatte made fun of his mother, so I can’t imagine what he’d do if I made fun of Ric Flair.

James Storm has been diagnosed with a separated shoulder. Will he work through it? I’m guessing he will, and this is based purely on everybody else in wrestling deciding that a separated shoulder isn’t so bad. I dunno. I think if my shoulder was separated I wouldn’t be so keen on getting back in the ring. But…I’m not a wrestler. So, what the hell?

Cookie has been released from the roster, which is a bummer from where I sit. Not just because Cookie was my nickname in middle school, but because Becky Bayless is a talented performer that happens to be a very attractive lady. It’s a shame they gave her the gimmick of being a Snooki knockoff, which was pretty much guaranteed to be a failure.

Speaking of failures, Jimmy Rave’s TNA run was a failure. He pretty much admits it in an interview, which I have the most interesting part of here:

“My 2009 run, I was a complete drug addict to be honest. I didn’t give a damn about wrestling because I just cared about scoring more pills and numbing myself. Which people probably could notice about what kind of shape I was in and how I looked and even my wrestling.”

Editor’s Note: I originally thought this explained Rave’s bad TNA run, but it turns out I was a year off on my Jimmy Rave timeline and this was in reference to his ROH run that year. He’d been released from TNA in February of that year. I regret the error probably caused by alcohol & lack of sleep.

The lady pictured above is Yuzuki Aikawa, a Japanese pinup girl that has turned to wrestling. That’s all I needed to know, for further information you can ask Ryan Byers.

Jeff Katz’s Wrestling Revolution Project seems to be making progress. He has been announcing roster members over the past week, and here’s a list of who he’s announced so far:

-Colt Cabana
-Dr. Luther
-Ken Doane
-Alex Reynolds
-Kenny Omega
-MVP

That’s right, I went with their wrestling names instead of their real names, because that makes me feel uncomfortable. I do not refer to wrestlers by their real names even if I personally know them, because that seems really weird to me. In any event, that’s an interesting roster so far. Cabana & Doane are definitely guys that weren’t utilized to their fullest potential in WWE. Omega has a ton of potential, and MVP definitely has some name value and has reportedly been revitalized during his New Japan stint. Hope they’re right. Dr. Luther is an international veteran. I have no knowledge of this Alex Reynolds fellow, but hopefully he’ll impress some people. I have no idea if this thing is going to get on television or not, but it has the potential to be very interesting if it does.

Is Lucha Libre USA returning to television? The company, which hasn’t been seen on TV in about a year, has told their roster that a big announcement is coming. They’ve been holding shows advertised as TV tapings in Albuquerque, New Mexico about once every couple of months or so during 2011, but MTV2 has publicly shown no signs of being interested in bringing the promotion back. They’ve seemed content with Bellator Fighting Championships being their top draw in the male demographic, and the MMA promotion has done well with what they’ve been given there. Perhaps there’s another channel willing to give this wrestling promotion a home, and that’d be nice because it’s good when there are more places for wrestlers to work.

I mean, if they can’t get a job with Impact Wrestling.

Paul Heyman’s auto-biography has been delayed until 2012. Am I the only one hoping that’s because he’ll have something worth talking about then?

Ashley Massaro has noted on Twitter that she wants to wrestle again. I’m not sure she wrestled the first time she was in the business.

The 411 on Wrestling returned on Friday with discussion of a bunch of morons & the Steve Cook Shoot Interview. Due to SmackDown being on Tuesday this week we’re having this week’s show on Thursday, which sucks for me because I have a fantasy draft & Louisville football starts its season on Thursday night. These things should be over by when we start the show, but now I won’t be able to drink nearly as much as I was planning on.

The sacrifices I make for you people.

Tune in to the Greg DeMarco Show tonight to see if Skid Marks actually makes it on the show!

Fact or Fiction featured Diaz, Sforcina & Acero talking about wig splitting, bad Hardy Boys & much more.

The Triple Threat talks about Ted DiBiase Jr. I’m considering hiring Cody Rhodes as my life coach even though Teddy’s been struggling a bit under his guidance.

Hot or Not continues the 411 trend of thinking Samoa Joe’s actually doing something. I dunno, since the Bound For Glory series is basically over anyway it strikes me as too little, too late.

Wes Kirk admits that TNA is capable of doing dumb things.

Well, that’s all we have time for this week! Join me later tonight on the Greg DeMarco Show, Thursday for Fact or Fiction, and next week for more News From Cook’s Corner! Until then…