411’s Instant Analysis 09.08.11: Impact Wrestling

Welcome to this week’s Instant Analysis of Impact Wrestling. I’m your hated/beloved (depending on the final rating) reviewer, Chad Nevett, and, on Monday, it was made public that I’m looking for someone to replace me on this weekly Instant Analysis. If you’re a regular reader, one of those people who say after every week that I’m an idiot, here’s your chance to prove you can do better. Until then, though, you’re stuck with me. As well, thanks to Tony Acero for covering for me on Monday’s Raw Instant Analysis (which I’m not giving up). I was out of town on Monday night, but did catch the replay on Tuesday afternoon. Unfortunately, the show was so bad that I didn’t bother watching the whole thing. Ah well. Let’s get to this week’s Impact Wrestling as they try to convince people that they should pay to see No Surrender on Sunday…

SEGMENT ONE: Mr. Anderson Wants His Rematch

Mr. Anderson wants his rematch for the World Title against Kurt Angle and he’s getting it tonight with Sting as the special guest enforcer. I just saved you ten minutes, because this wasn’t entertaining or good despite Anderson pulling out all of the stops including a Fat Bastard impersonation. Remember when people thought he was good on the mic? Wow, were we off the mark.

Rating: 4.0 out of 10

SEGMENT TWO: Devon & the Pope vs. the British Invasion
Match Result: Devon pinned Douglas Williams
Match Length: Just under four minutes

The winner of this match gets to face Mexican America for the Tag Titles on Sunday. Since we’ve already seen a short Mexican America/British Invasion feud, giving the newly united Devon and the Pope a shot makes sense. This match was decent, nothing really stood out good or bad. It was your basic tag match. Maybe more British Invasion soon, yes?

Rating: 6.0 out of 10

SEGMENT THREE: Bound for Glory Series Final Four Showdown

This was some damn good mic work from Ray and Robert Roode. The ragging on Gunner, the putting over the tag team legacies, the elevation of the World Title, and the trash-talking… both men killed out there. If it isn’t those two facing off in the finals, I will be shocked. Since we only just learned that these guys are the final four, a segment actually building a little bit of a rivalry makes sense, as does laying the seeds for a possible Beer Money split or falling out between Ray and Gunner.

Rating: 8.5 out of 10

SEGMENT FOUR: TNA Television Championship Match – Eric Young (C) vs. Robbie E.
Match Result: Eric Young pinned Robbie E.
Match Length: Just under three minutes

Can we rename the TV Title the Comedy Title and have it defended under rules like Dragon Gate’s Open the Owarai Gate Championship where the funniest/most entertaining wrestler wins the match no matter the result? He delivered some nice wrestling moves, all the while making me laugh. Even Robbie E. got in on it with every pin attempt featuring his foot on the ropes, leading to Earl Hebner crossing his arms and refusing to count. But, Eric Young was the star here and I’m glad he kept the belt. I’d love to see him doing comedy matches every week instead of those dumb skits. He’s quite good at mixing wrestling and comedy in the ring. The post-match attack from Rob Terry makes sense, but seemed oddly out of place tonally.

Rating: 7.0 out of 10

SEGMENT FIVE: TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Kurt Angle (C) vs. Mr. Anderson
Match Result: Mr. Anderson via DQ
Match Length: A little over seven minutes

Who else is hoping for a repeat of last week’s piece of shit World Title match? Although Borash’s ring announcing indicates that this should have been the main event. Wait, did I miss an hour? Am I that lucky? Nah, even the brilliant minds at TNA obviously couldn’t help but notice that, hey, this was almost exactly the same as last week’s main event and maybe ending two shows in a row the same way is kind of stupid. The match itself was decent. Angle and Anderson have good chemistry, but never really went to that next level. They kept it in second gear for most of the match. The finish was stupid and predictable. I mean, they did do it already last week… The World Title is basically a joke, right? (And it gets .5 less than last week’s main event because it was just as stupid and awful, but wasn’t as original.)

Rating: 3.0 out of 10

SEGMENT SIX: Winter & Angelina Love vs. Mickie James & Velvet Sky
Match Result: Winter pinned Mickie James
Match Length: Five minutes

And here’s the first post-main event match… TNA is aware that you usually don’t have any matches after the main event, right? That’s what makes it the main event! I was impressed earlier in the show when Karen Jarrett demanded that Velvet Sky lose some weight… I can’t wait until she starts saying that to Angelina Love… yeesh. Anyway, this was a tag match that went exactly how you’d expect it to given the participants and the match on Sunday. Except I’m not sure any of us would have booked Winter spitting blood in Mickie James’s eyes. That’s messed up.

Rating: 5.5 out of 10

SEGMENT SEVEN: A-Double and the Wizard of Odd

If enough of us get together, we could probably convince TNA to make this Austin Aries/Brian Kendrick feud for the World Title, because it’s, by leagues, more entertaining and features better mic work. So far, Austin Aries has owned Kendrick, but Kendrick’s mockery of Aries by wearing a suit was pretty damn funny. It almost makes me want to see Kendrick retain the belt, but Aries is just too entertaining and awesome. Put that belt on him now. Or, Sunday. (One negative: Kendrick’s new entrance music. I loved his old violin one.)

Oh, and, then, Hulk Hogan was pretty funny with his self-parody gloating that turned to rage upon Eric Bischoff telling him that it will be Kurt Angle defending his World Title again Sting and Mr. Anderson on Sunday. I can get behind a Hulk Hogan that does this.

Rating: 8.0 out of 10

SEGMENT EIGHT: Four Corners Tornado Match – Ray vs. Gunner vs. James Storm vs. Robert Roode
Match Result: Gunner pinned Ray
Match Length: Five minutes

Smart booking for this match. The starting bit with Samoa Joe and Matt Morgan was done perfectly. It made sense for Joe to want to come out and hurt people, for Morgan to attack him, and, then, they didn’t have it continue too long. It was a short teaser for their match on Sunday. The match itself was basically a tornado tag match with Immortal vs. Beer Money until Gunner stole the win at the end by attacking Ray. Entertaining match that followed up on the earlier promo and sold both matches on Sunday.

Rating: 8.0 out of 10

SEGMENT NINE: The Felon Returns

The return of Jeff Hardy is one of the reasons I don’t want to do this every week anymore. The news that he pled guilty to three felonies today seemed well timed, no? Personally I have no sympathy or time for this. Since this was a segment based entirely on the personal, I’m not going to even fake it. I don’t think he deserves another chance.

Rating: 0.0 out of 10