wrestling / Columns

The Wrestling News Experience: 12.26.11

December 26, 2011 | Posted by Stephen Randle

Monday, December 26th, 2011

From 411Mania’s Canadian offices in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, this is The Wrestling News Experience, with Stephen Randle!

Merry Boxing Day!

Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I’m Stephen Randle, and for the very few of you who are probably reading this, we’re breaking from our normal format because it’s Christmas and everyone has better things to do that deal with the minutia of pro wrestling. So, instead, we’re doing the expected awards show, dealing with those things in 2011 that might just get overlooked when the “real” 411 awards come out next week.

First, though, let’s pay some bills.

Last week, the name of the game was “change”, and that’s what we saw, as Raw opened and closed with the trio of US Champion Zack Ryder, World Champion Daniel Bryan, and WWE Champion CM Punk standing tall in the ring, having overcome careers full of major obstacles to hold three of the biggest titles you can earn in pro wrestling. Up next for all three men is the Royal Rumble, where the stakes are highest when you hold major gold, because not only is it likely that Punk and Bryan will be defending their titles at the event, the Rumble match itself will determine who will challenge one of them at WrestleMania.

Plus, it seems like Kane may indeed have an issue with John Cena, or maybe just the shirt that he was wearing. I guess Kane does not wish to rise above hate, given that it’s the source of his powers. Anyway, after apparently attempting to suffocate Cena last week, an act which left Cena clearly shaken, what will Kane have in store for everyone tonight?

And it’s still the Christmas season, with five weeks until the Rumble, so tonight’s probably a throwaway show anyway, I imagine we’ll get Christmas-themed Diva’s match, maybe Santa Claus…although they did all that on Smackdown a few weeks ago. So who knows what we’ll see, tonight on Raw!

These awards were handed out at a small, invitation-only dinner held at the McDonald’s down the road from my apartment. Any of the winners who couldn’t be able to attend in person to pick up their awards, feel free to contact me and we’ll arrange delivery as soon as possible. The voting committee consisted of the author of the preeminent Monday wrestling news report on the entire Internet, Buddy the Cat, and a bottle of Captain Morgan Original Spiced Rum. The results were written on a napkin and left lying around for anyone to read for at least three days. For more information about the TWNE Year End Awards, feel free to make up your own jokes.

Now, on with the show!

The Hade Vansen Memorial Award For “Death By Debut Promo”

WINNER: Brodus Clay

Word out this week that Brodus’ debut is on hold indefinitely, which was pretty much what I expected to happen once they had not one, but two three hour Raws on which he could have debuted easily, but they chose to run…well, other stuff, anyway. And with Henry and Show as competing monsters on Smackdown and Kane back on Raw, where would Clay fit in, anyway? The real shame is, Brodus is a big guy who can actually work and has a unique look.

The Goldberg Award For Biggest Botched Title Reign

WINNER: Beth Phoenix

Okay, nobody cares about the Divas title, and a lot of this has to do with the fact that a) Kharma got pregnant and b) there are no real workers aside from them in the division, but you can’t deny that for all the talk about being “Pin-Up Strong”, Beth and her hetero life-mate Natalya sure spend a lot of their time getting beaten by Barbie dolls via “shocking” roll-ups. It’s like they’re trying to kill the Official Finisher of the X-Division or something.

The “Fire Russo” Award For Why You Should Still Think That There’s Hope For TNA Yet

WINNER: Bobby Roode

While things like Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, The Hardys, Samoa Joe, Crimson, and a whole myriad of booking issues might continue to leave TNA a pale shadow of the company they wish they could be, at least they have a bright spot in their current World Champion, Bobby Roode. Although they tanked the payoff for his face run at Bound For Glory, after turning on his partner a week later Roode has shown that he has the ability to be one of the best heels in the business, and after it seemed like he’d be stuck in the tag ranks forever leading up to 2011, Roode has proved that he belongs in the top tier.

The Limbo Award For Biggest Reason Why WWE Network Needs To Hurry Up And Get Here

WINNER: WWE NXT Season 5: Redemption

So, aside from Acero, who’s contractually obligated to recap this for the site, is anyone, anywhere in the world still aware that Season 5 is still going on? Because it’s been running for nearly, get this, ten months at this point, and it apparently stopped being a competition about six months ago, leaving us with a show featuring the forgotten members of the WWE Undercard and three “Rookies”: Darren Young, Derek Bateman, and Titus O’Neill, none of whom have their original Pros (or any Pros at all, really), and the big prize of a spot in NXT Season 6 seems to have been totally forgotten. Not that it really mattered anyway, since Titus was pretty much running away with the competition from jump. But with WWE Network on the horizon, maybe WWE will remember that they need to END THIS SHOW AND START A NEW SEASON. Or just end this show. Give us some closure. Please!

The TWNE Power Rankings Award For Biggest Shift In Power

WINNER: Zack Ryder

Would you believe that Zack has been on both extreme ends of the Power Rankings? I’m not talking about #1 and #10, I mean that Long Island Iced Z has been all the way down at the very bottom of the Anti-Power Rankings, coming in at #999 one week where he was unjustly buried on Raw (and going all the way to #993 in another edition where he was being used to put over Mason Ryan on house shows), and hitting the very tip-top of the mountain when his real push began and he tagged with John Cena in the main event of Monday Night Raw. In a business that spits on feel-good stories, Zack Ryder must be considered a truly great story of perseverance against incredible odds. WWWYKI.

The DDP Award For Face Turn Out Of Nowhere That Actually Worked

WINNER: Sheamus

“I’ll fight him!”

I’m still not sure how they managed this. With those three words, Sheamus went from an intense but mostly directionless heel who’d spent the first half of the year in a strange depush, reportedly because Kevin Dunn didn’t like his character, to a massive fan favourite ass-kicker who regales people with moralistic tales of the old country. And it works so incredibly well that WWE has to be regretting the fact that they have nowhere to put Sheamus in the main event right now. If you wanted a dark horse pick for the 2012 Royal Rumble, I’d look no further than the man from the Emerald Isle.

Plus, have you seen his hat? Have you seen…this?

That. Is. Pimp.

The Second Fiddle Award For Best Feud That Nobody’s Going To Remember Because Of Punk-Cena

WINNER: Randy Orton vs Christian

Let’s face it, CM Punk vs John Cena from Money in the Bank is going to win a lot of Match of the Year awards. And probably some Feud of the Year trophies, too. But for a string of one-on-one matches, for my money, there was no better series than the one between Randy Orton and Christian. Aside from the Capitol Punishment match which was merely a decent one cut short by an overarching stipulation, every time these two met one-on-one, the result was pure gold, giving Orton some of his best matches in years and ended up with Christian being able to claim the he is legitimately a two-time WWE World Champion, and showcased the under-rated in-ring skills he’s had for years.

The Michael Cole Award For Being Goddamn Michael Cole Who Should Either Shut The F*** Up Or Get Off My TV Or Maybe Just Stop Annoying The S*** Out Of Me, Yes, I Mean You, Michael Cole

WINNER: Michael Cole

In over two decades of wrestling commentary, we’ve had heel commentators. We’ve had incredibly annoying commentators. We’ve had commentators who were really, really bad at their jobs. Never before in wrestling history have we had a commentator who managed to be all three at the same time, but for the entire last year, the lead play-by-play announcer of WWE has reached that tarnished brass ring. Congratulations, Michael Cole, you deserve this and so, so much more.

The Fan’s Award For Giving Us Reasons To Have Faith In Pro Wrestling

WINNER: CM Punk, WWE Champion and Daniel Bryan, World Champion

Really, that picture is worth a thousand words. For all the crap we put up with in 2011, this is how we ended the year: with two of the best “wrestlers” in the entire world as the champions of the biggest wrestling promotion in the universe. And that ain’t not too bad.

De Marco has The Wrestling 5&1

Martell has The Triple Threat

Reid has Hot or Not.

Kirk has The Wrestling Sandwich

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Here it is, your Moment of Buddy