The Wrestling News Experience 01.16.12

Monday, January 16th, 2012

From 411Mania’s Canadian offices in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, this is The Wrestling News Experience, with Stephen Randle!

This Is The Darkest Timeline

Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I am Stephen Randle, and if you couldn’t get me to watch the Napolean Dynamite movie, what are the chances I’m going to give the cartoon created ten years afterwards (and roughly nine and half years after anyone still liked it)? If you said “how does this crap get to be on the air instead of Community”, congratulations, you’re smarter than a network executive.

Sorry if I seem a bit disjointed this column, I decided to put on The King’s Speech while I was writing, and that turned out to be a mistake because it is a fascinating film. If you have the means, I highly recommend it.

Moving on.

Last week, Kane stalked Zack Ryder in an attempt to get to John Cena, finally catching up to both men in the parking lot of the arena, leaving them lying. With Ryder sidelined indefinitely due to his injuries suffered at the hands of Kane, how will John Cena react to the Big Red Machine’s constant manipulation? And when he does, might it be exactly what Kane wants him to do?

Plus, after defeating Jack Swagger, CM Punk earned the right to have Swagger and Vicki Guerrero banned from ringside during his WWE Championship match with Dolph Ziggler at the Royal Rumble, however, Johnny Ace is still the referee for that match, so clearly Punk cannot feel like he’s out of the woods yet.

And after Eve was denied her shot at Beth Phoenix due to the machinations of Kane, will there be a new contender for the Divas title? Will Beth even be on TV at all again this week?

Also, the Funkasaurus is here and you have to see it to believe it! All this and much more, tonight on Raw!

There Goes The Boom

Interesting news out of the house show circuit this weekend, as Epico and Primo have apparently defeated Air Boom to become WWE Tag Team Champions in an untelevised match in Oakland. While it did seem likely that the two teams would be feuding (mostly due to being the only tag teams appearing on television outside of NXT), this sudden title change has raised eyebrows across the board, partially for the suddenness and location, and partially because it takes place only weeks after Evan Bourne returned from his Wellness suspension.

An early rumour ties into the second part, unfortunately. It seems that all this may be related to Bourne’s suspension, reportedly for synthetic marijuana use. Reports also say that Bourne and R-Truth were nabbed at the same time, but Bourne was suspended immediately, while Truth was allowed to slide until after Survivor Series, likely because at that point the Rock/Cena vs Awesome Truth tag match was already booked and there was no way out of it. However, Bourne apparently did not handle his suspension well, and may have had some part in Truth either getting caught or getting suspended as well, which has led to serious heat backstage. As a result, it looks like Air Boom’s time in the sun may be over, which is especially bad news for Bourne’ partner, Kofi Kingston, who may once again be doomed to a life as perennial US/IC title challenger and guy who heels get to beat while they feud with the main eventers (witness how quickly he tapped to Daniel Bryan on last week’s Raw).

As for the house show change, it is an odd thing given that Raw airs, well, tonight, and I’m fairly certain they could find a segment to have a tag title match on somewhere in the two hours. Hell, they even managed to get Brodus Clay on TV last week (and more on that in a second). There are several reasons why WWE may have decided to switch the titles suddenly, and frankly, few of them are good. Chief among them would be a potential second Wellness suspension for Bourne, or even worse, a terminated contract (although that seems unlikely, and WWE.com has reported nothing of either kind as of press time). Presumably WWE will use this to attempt to pretend that “anything can happen at a WWE house show”, which is true, if you’re lucky enough to hit that one house show every five years where someone screws up or is so hurt that they have to do a title change off television. If you want to go all the way into crazy conspiracy theories, maybe WWE is preparing for WWE Network and (rumoured to be) going back to only the Big Four PPVs (with others taking place on the Network), returning us to the days where title changes happened at house shows more often than anywhere else. I tell you what, that might actually help turn around the house show business a bit. Although that’s a completely farfetched theory, and you’re more than welcome to mock it at will. Plus, there’s news about WWE Network, and we’ll get to it…right now.

What Do WWE Network And Are You There Chelsea Have In Common?

Neither will be on the air by April!

Yes, literally minutes after Raw went off the air, complete with the latest migraine-inducing WWE Network commercial, it was revealed that the Network has run into a few snags and won’t, in fact, be debuting in April as originally planned. The new plan is to have the Network up and running…sometime in the fall. Hopefully by the end of 2012, anyway. Turns out you can’t just decide you want a network and then make one appear, you have to do a lot of work beyond coming up with clever names for reality shows. This would seem to fall in line with what a lot of people had noticed about WWE’s plans for the Network, which included lots of words like “hope”, “theory”, “possibly”, and “tentatively” and very few, if any, definite news (outside of participants in WWE Legends House).

On the bright side, they can’t abandon PPV until the Network starts up, so we can still pay 40 bucks a month for that privilege! Well, at least they finally went back to only one a month. Took them nearly a decade to figure out that more than 12 PPVs in a year is ridiculous, but they got there!

And now for the news you’ve been waiting to hear!

Funky Like A Monkey

Yes, the long-awaited (presumably) debut of Brodus Clay went down last Monday on Raw, and to the shock of…I would imagine every single person watching, what appeared on our television screen was not the giant, angry, mohawked monster that we’d seen on NXT and Superstars, but a grinning behemoth decked out in bright red, flanked by two curvaceous Divas, dancing his way to the ring like it was going out of style. Which I’d imagine it did, but he’s bringing it back anyway. Instantly, “Funkasaurus” Brodus Clay has become the most controversial gimmick in all of professional wrestling (maybe second after Chris Jericho, Sufferer of Selective Mutism). People hate it because it’s cartoonish, people love it because it’s hilarious, he’ll never get over, he’s already over, it’s stupid, it’s clever, it’s midcard at best, not everyone gets to main event, there are as many views on Clay as there are wrestling fans, and yes, that’s still a large number even if Raw is getting beaten by Auction Hunters.

So the important question is, what do I think about this development? Well, I will admit, when it happened, I had no opinion. I was just plain shocked. Actually, I was really interested in what Curt Hawkins’ gimmick is supposed to be and why it involves carrying a pimp cane, but I don’t think we’re getting answers on it. And then I realized that this was serious, it’s not a rib that’s being pulled, this will be Brodus Clay’s gimmick going forward. And I think it’s great, for many reasons, but mostly because it made me laugh. Hear me out, though. Wrestling is serious business, we all know that. But it’s also, as they like to constantly remind us, entertainment, and I don’t know about you, but watching Brodus Clay was entertaining. Plus, he’s clearly completely sold out to the gimmick and having fun with it, which means that the fans can get into him through his dedication to what can be a great gimmick. Hell, the Godfather extended his career by nearly a decade once he stopped portraying boring tough guys and became a fun-loving pimp. And if you think this mires Brodus in the midcard, let me remind you of another dancing fat guy named Rikishi, whose main event credibility was actually destroyed once he stopped dancing and having fun. Plus, the midcard’s pretty thin right now anyway, it could use some new talent. After all, Zack’s going to have to defend the US Title someday, and Jack Swagger isn’t going to be taking that title from him. Actually, Zack and Brodus could probably be buddies, once Zack realizes that hanging out with Cena’s only going to get him hurt. I’m also reminded of Festus, the simple giant who went nuts when the bell rang, which was a weird gimmick to give a guy that somehow still got over and ended up with him taking on the Undertaker in a much-hyped match. Okay, that was a bad example because once they did that he had nowhere to go, but the point is…potential, that was it.

Anyway, we know Brodus can actually work a good match for a big man, he’s going to be on TV because if there’s anything WWE likes to put on TV, it’s something Vince thinks is hilarious (and sometimes we get to agree), and if the gimmick goes south, well, he’s a heel turn away from being Monster Brodus again. Plus, when talent cuts come around, who gets to stick around, the dancing fat guy who could probably sell a whole lot of red hats and can do opening match crowd-pumping duties for years, or, say, Tyson Kidd and his new gimmick of actually having hair?

Besides, can the people who got behind Zack Ryder’s push really complain about a gimmick being too over-the-top? I hear that when they want the people on Jersey Shore to amp it up a little, they ask them to go “three-quarters Ryder”.

1. Kane Oh, absolutely the whole thing was stupid, but it was almost perversely entertaining at the same time. Isn’t that why we watch those B horror movies in the first place? Also, how come Zack had to change the tire? It’s called “equality”, Eve, maybe you should lend a hand.

2. Chris Jericho Now that we’ve (apparently) figured out that he’s doing it deliberately, it makes sense and I can watch it. If people would stop cheering for him so we can move on to Phase Two of this whole plan a little quicker, though, I’d appreciate it.

3. Daniel Bryan He’s changed, man. He used to be cool. Now he’s all using his girlfriend to get out of title matches and talking down to people who are twice his size. Actually, he’s still cool. By the way, is he standing on a box when he does scenes with AJ or is she literally four feet tall?

4. Brodus Clay I’m just waiting for the week where they let him actually wrestle a match, because I know he can, I’ve seen him do it.

5. Epico/Primo I don’t particularly see the appeal in Rosa’s half-heated attempts at dancing (when you’re being outworked by a 350+ pound man in the area of dance, there’s an issue), but hey, they’ve got the tag titles now, so at least they’ll get to be on TV more. Right, Beth Phoenix?

6. Sheamus I appreciate the effort in promoting it as a semi-big deal, but I don’t think anyone in their right mind expected Jinder Mahal to actually go 50/50 with Sheamus, and rightly so. Still my dark horse Rumble pick at this point.

7. Drew McIntyre Is it possible to feel bad for this guy? It must be, because I do. I mean, Teddy, I realize he was a jerk to you last year, but that was last year, man. And it was mostly Vince’s fault for declaring him The Chosen One and erasing all his losses. Frankly, Teddy, you’re starting to look a bit like a dick over this.

8. Ric Flair Apparently he’s so great that they’re inducting him into the WWE Hall of Fame a second time, even while he still works for TNA! Did anyone at all think this through, or did somebody just go “you know what’d be cool…” and everyone agreed? Also, WWE had better quick clarify that they’re only inducting the Arn/Windham/Tully version, or somebody might point out that “The Four Horsemen” count among their ranks someone who people might be less than pleased to see enshrined. You know who I’m talking about. What? I’m sorry, but Steve “Mongo” McMichael should not be in the Hall of Fame. Nothing you can say will change my mind.

9. CM Punk It may have been a blown spot, but Punk still got a win with the Savage Tribute elbow! Seriously, though, did the referee not know the finish at all? Kudos to both the announcers (or the people in their ears) and the production staff for coming up with a story on the fly to explain the obvious error that was even more clear when they showed the finish on replay four or five times.

10. WWE NXT Happy 100th episode this week, NXT. Now please, go away.

Inactive List as of 01.09.12

WWE Raw

– Alberto Del Rio, out 6-8 weeks as of December 26th (ACL)
– Kevin Nash, out 6 weeks as of December 18th (back)
– Kharma, out 9 months as of May 23rd (pregnancy)
– Rey Mysterio, out indefinitely as of August 23rd (knee surgeries)

WWE SmackDown

– Christian, out 6-8 weeks as of November 13th (ankle)
– Layla El, out indefinitely as of May 23rd (ACL/MCL surgery)
– Randy Orton, out 4-6 weeks as of December 30th (back)
– Sin Cara, out 6-9 months as of November 20th (ruptured patella)

TNA

– Chris Sabin, out indefinitely (shoulder)
– Ric Flair, out 4-6 months as of September 14th (tricep)

Transactions

– “Funkasaurus” Brodus Clay, RAW, made TV re-debut on January 9th Raw

WWE

WWE Champion: CM Punk
– 57 day reign, defeated Alberto Del Rio on November 20th (Survivor Series PPV)
– Next title defense: vs Dolph Ziggler, Royal Rumble PPV

World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan
– 29 day reign, defeated The Big Show by cashing in Money in the Bank on December 18th (TLC PPV)

WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes
– 150 day reign, defeated Ezekiel Jackson on August 12th (Smackdown)

WWE United States Champion: Zack Ryder
– 29 day reign, defeated Dolph Ziggler on December 18th (TLC PPV)

**NEW** WWE Tag Team Champions: Epico and Primo
– 1 day reign, defeated Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne on January 15th (house show)

WWE Divas’ Champion: Beth Phoenix
– 99 day reign, defeated Kelly Kelly on October 2nd (Hell in a Cell PPV)

TNA

TNA Heavyweight Champion: Bobby Roode
– 74 day reign, defeated James Storm on November 3rd (Impact)

TNA Tag Team Champions: Crimson and Matt Morgan
– 60 day reign, defeated Mexican America on November 17th (Impact)

TNA X-Division Champion: Austin Aries
– 120 day reign, defeated Brian Kendrick on September 11th (No Surrender PPV)

TNA Knockouts Champion: Gail Kim
– 64 day reign, defeated Velvet Sky on November 13th (Turning Point PPV)

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions: Gail Kim and Madison Rayne
– 74 day reign, defeated Miss Tessmacher and Tara on November 3rd (Impact)

TNA Television Champion: Robbie E
– 64 day reign, defeated Eric Young on November 13th (Turning Point PPV)

De Marco has The Wrestling 5&1.

Frame has The Wrestling Framework.

Martell has The Triple Threat.

Kirk has The Wrestling Sandwich.

Ari has Column of Honor.

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That’s our show, That Damned Cook is in tomorrow, I will be back next week. Plus, don’t forget to look for me this Tuesday in the Games Zone for Four Player Co-op.

Here it is, your Moment of Buddy

Wait, Ernest The What Miller?
Buddy Feels Like He Would Remember That Name.

Have a good one, and always be a fan.