News From Cook’s Corner 01.24.12

There’s some interesting stuff in the news this week, no doubt. Evan Bourne is in trouble again, Randy Orton is on his way back to WWE, ROH & CHIKARA are working together…all sorts of interesting things to talk about! Let’s get to it.

I hope WWE doesn’t really think women are going to side with Cena over Rock. Unless they are total marks that care about the whole “I love the business more than you do” slant, a majority of them are going to cheer for Rock. He’s much more of a stud than Cena. – Guest#5650

I’ll be honest here: I have no idea who’s more of a hunk between Rock & Cena. Since I don’t know if it was the guys or the girls commenting on this issue last week, let’s make it more specific and pose the question to the ladies…Cena or Rock? Homosefual men can also feel free to answer this. Hopefully Geoff Eubanks will chime in like he did about the NFL Playoffs via text message last week.

So, wait a second; Vinnie Mac is still pushing the whole “Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal” storyline, an angle that the clowns here STILL trash WCW for doing, yet its fine if WWE does it? Seriously?

Steiner, Goldberg, Booker T, and the returns of Hall, Nash, and Hogan, practically on their own, gave the WWE product a near-extra five years, before it turned to crap. – scipo2009

I can’t speak for everybody else, but I liked the “Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal” match. It was a great concept…the only problem was that the first time they did it with Sting & Jake Roberts they ended up having a coal miner’s glove match, which was probably the worst option on the wheel. The old turd in the punch bowl, if you will. I was disappointed that they stopped doing it after Halloween Havoc 1993, and the Hogan vs. Flair main event on the next year’s show probably would have benefited from it. I liked Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal, and I like that WWE has Raw/Smackdown Roulette whenever they’re in Las Vegas.

As for your second point, I’m not sure that WCW giving WWE all of that material was a good thing or not, as the Hogan/Hall/Nash storyline fell apart, Steiner & Nash had horrible main event feuds with Triple H, Goldberg’s WWE stint never lived up to expectations, and…well, I liked Booker T’s WWE stint, so that was a good thing. You didn’t even mention Ric Flair & Eric Bischoff, who were both important characters in WWE for quite some time. It was hit or miss, much like WCW itself.

No Raw Thoughts this week? I am a sad boy. – WHAT?

There were no Raw Thoughts because I was busy doing the Raw Report for the website. I appreciate the kind words I got from some of you about the recap, but that was just a one week arrangement and my Raw Thoughts will continue appearing in this column for the foreseeable future.

Kofi owes Evan a swift kick to the nards. – APrince66

I’m a little surprised there isn’t more talk about this…the person suffering most from Evan Bourne’s issues is his tag team partner Kofi Kingston. Kofi’s always had a really good connection with the crowd, and I think if they pushed him at a major level most WWE fans would buy into it. Air Boom has been a fun little tag team, but it might be time to move Kofi onto something else where he can succeed or fail on his own merits.

There are no SMW or WCW reunions because, first off nobody knows SMW even existed outside the 25 people that went to the “shows”. And in WCW’s case the reputation of that promotion is completely tarnished. While ECW is to this day still fondly remembered by the cool, innovative things it did. The talent it introduced, and the rebel spirit it developed. ECW took a nonexistent budget and created a promotion that was the third largest promotion in wrestling when the other bigger companies were owned by billionaires. While at the same time having both their talent and concepts stolen by the bigger companies. I do wish the ECW reunions would just go away. I’d much rather Shane and Kleinrock just grab a few vets, ECW or otherwise as their draws grab some solid young talent and develop their own promotion. Not just cheat off ECW. With youtube, you can have a JAPW World wide or Chikira podcast a go go type show for storylines that lead into your IPPV’s and not have to worry about paying stations for TV time or making DVD’s. A internet only promotion could very well be the future of indy wrestling. – MisterMike

You make a good point towards the end here…ECW was cool and innovative at the time, so continually ripping it off would be the opposite of what it stood for, right? If Shane Douglas wants to get back into wrestling via creative means, it’d be cool if he had ideas that weren’t based off of ECW, or at least led to something else. That’s why I dug EVOLVE doing what they did at the last ECW Arena show, where they used Sabu to put over Sami Callihan at the end of the night. Whether Callihan deserves the push or not remains to be seen, but at least Gabe Sapolsky tries to build around new talent. It’ll be interesting to see if this Extreme Reunion leads to anything more than one show with old ECW guys.

Steve and Larry, please do the right thing and get rid of Wesley. – Still Guest#8287

I don’t have the power to fire anybody, but it should be noted that when I clicked on Wes’s column on Sunday it had 65 comments. Why would we get rid of him? Don’t worry, I’ll give you a present in the Other Wrestling News section by bringing back somebody you love. Why not, it’s a special occasion.

And now, the fake news!

Evan Bourne has been suspended again by WWE for violating the Wellness Policy. He’ll be out for sixty days, and PWInsider is reporting that people backstage are under the impression that he’ll be done with the company very soon. Apparently this violation has nothing to do with his first violation, and people are speculating that he’s trying to get himself fired.

I don’t get it. Bourne wouldn’t be the first wrestler that started out in the indies to grow disenchanted with his role in WWE, but he’s been treated pretty well during most of his run. Especially recently, as his Air Boom tag team with Kofi Kingston had been the Tag Team Champions and they were getting the chance to sell some merchandise and have some good matches. I’m not really sure what caused Young Evan’s sudden need to get fired.

It’s either that, or he’s just not a very smart man, which is probably how the speculation started. People are understandably confused as to why Bourne would get two strikes so close to each other. Even Jeff Hardy had a longer period of time between his. Something weird is going on, that’s for sure. Hopefully whatever it is, Bourne will be able to recover from it. As somebody that’s followed his career for the past several years and is a big fan of his work, I’d hate to see him go the same way that so many others before him have gone.

It’s also possible that he’ll be gone because Triple H wants to fire him. Sadly it’d be hard to argue with H at the moment.

Randy Orton returned to WWE at a Smackdown house show in Los Cruces, New Mexico on Sunday. He came out to attack Wade Barrett before his match, then delivered RKOs to multiple people. It sounds like he’ll be back for the Royal Rumble, and he promised as such to our own Andy Critchell when Andy saw him at the gym last week.

William Regal has not given up on his quest to receive a World title shot. He tweeted the other day that he would like to receive a title shot from the man he’s given help & guidance to over the years, Daniel Bryan. Regal’s last appearance in a match on one of the two main shows was a loss to Bryan on Raw in December 2010, and they had a match in Liverpool, England that aired on Superstars last year. Regal appeared on Smackdown last week as part of the Funkasaurus dance-off, but it’s not known whether this will lead to him having a bigger role on the shows. WWE returns to the United Kingdom in mid-April with Raw & Smackdown tapings taking place in London, so my guess is that Regal’s best chance to have this happen involves Bryan holding on to the title past WrestleMania.

I’d be good with that.

Jim Ross was involved in an automobile accident over the weekend. Good Ol’ JR is ok, but his Cadillac Escalade was totaled when he hit a pickup truck that made an illegal left turn right in front of him. He’ll be going to the doctor to make sure everything is ok, but is thankful that things didn’t end up much worse.

I hope you guys got your WWE AXXESS tickets early. Due to some sort of an error with Ticketmaster, VIP tickets that were supposed to go for $130 sold for $60. That lasted for about twenty-five minutes before the error was fixed. Well, I guess technically it has to be called an “error”. I doubt the fans that got those prices are complaining too much.

Big Show reportedly injured his back in a dark match with Daniel Bryan that took place after last week’s Smackdown taping, but he appeared on house shows against Bryan over the weekend and was in good enough shape to go. Ted DiBiase injured his hand during a match with Cody Rhodes in Winnpeg over the weekend, it’s not known at this time how long he’ll be out, but he tweeted that he’ll be at the Royal Rumble on Sunday.

Vickie Guerrero is continuing to lobby for Tamina to be part of her stable. Considering they just turned Tamina face I’m not sure this is the best of times for her to be joining up with Vickie. They should at least wait until people care about Tamina as a face before turning her heel again. On the bright side for Tamina, she has people interested in what she’s doing for the first time since she entered the company.

What do Chris Jericho & Tim Tebow have in common besides being awesome? They are co-owners of the new D1 Sports Training & Therapy Center in Tampa. Chipper Jones & Derrick Brooks are also involved in the facility, which focuses on training Division 1 college athletes and will also serve as a gym for the general public. Yup, I will use any reason at all to mention Tim Tebow in this column, and this one is actually kind of legitimate.

411’s favorite wrestling insect Buggy got a tryout last week when WWE was in Anaheim & Las Vegas. She had a match before each show with AJ (wait a minute, D-Bry told us she was injured!), got to hang around backstage and did a little photoshoot. Hope she shook hands with everybody. No word yet on what this may lead to, but we’re obviously hoping for the best. Buggy doesn’t exactly fit the mold of a WWE Diva, but perhaps that’s why she got the tryout.

The best part for Buggy about all this is if things work out she’ll be able to avoid getting her butt kicked by Terra Calaway for a little while. Our Terradactyl has been undefeated against Buggy since first appearing in News From Cook’s Corner, including another victory last Friday night. Good times. You can catch me bragging about this tonight on the Greg DeMarco Show.

-CM Punk comes out with a huge wrap over his right elbow. Apparently it’s been like that for awhile. He should probably stop doing that top rope elbow drop.

-I enjoy it when he sits down for his promos.

-SAY IT TO MY FACE! Poor Alex Riley, his theme music’s become part of other peoples’ promos.

-The other company man named John comes out.

-Punk shakes his head while Cena claims he will wrestle Kane tonight and at the Rumble. He knows it’s a bad idea.

-Big Johnny comes out to lay down the law, but Punk can’t hear him.

-Cena obviously has a lot of confidence in Zack Ryder beating Kane in a falls-count-anywhere match.

-Cena/Punk vs. Ziggler/Swagger is your opening match. It’s like those Saturday Night Main Event shows where Hulk Hogan would be in the first match and the tag teams would be on at 1 AM EST.

-Punk wrestling in long shorts brings back memories.

-People are speculating that Swagger may be turning face because he apologized to Zack Ryder on WWE.com. I dunno about that, apologizing isn’t really a quality that most of this show’s good guys has.

-Johnny prevents Punk from injuring his elbow further! Smart man, it’s a shame that Dolph took advantage of it to get the win.

-Punk wants Johnny to be a WWE Superstar, so he challenges him to a match tonight! Johnny accepts! Ah, gotta love your fast-forwarded WWE storylines.

-HIGHLIGHT REEL!

-Jericho shushes the fans, who grow impatient rather quickly.

-He tells the camera man to hold on just one second, goes backstage and gets the t-shirt gun! People do love the t-shirt gun.

-Man, they really love the t-shirt gun. Possibly more than ice cream sandwiches.

-Jericho points to the obscenely expensive Jeritron 7000, which shows a Jericho highlight video.

-He shushes the crowd again, AND SPEAKS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

-This Sunday at the Royal Rumble will be the end of the world as we know it. And I’ll be there! Cool!

-I hope Jericho’s promos during this run consist of lines from popular rock songs. “TAKE A LOOK TO THE SKY JUST BEFORE YOU DIE, IT’S THE LAST TIME YOU WILL!”

-“I’M YOUR DREAM, MAKE YOU REAL! I’M YOUR EYES WHEN YOU MUST STEAL! I’M YOUR PAIN WHEN YOU CAN’T FEEL! SAD BUT TRUE!”

-It’d be fun.

-Boy, they sure are lucky Rey Mysterio’s Rumble lasted 42 seconds longer than Chris Benoit’s.

-Odds on Mick Foley awkwardly flirting with Eve Torres backstage?

-The new NWF commercial looks pretty cool.

-I’m sure Zack Ryder had an offensive move at some point in this match, but I don’t remember when.

-OK, there’s one. That didn’t do much.

-In defense of the one-sided squash match, I hear some womens’ wrestling companies make good money off of them.

-Ryder gets choke slammed through the stage, and Eve does the old “run to check on her boyfriend even though there’s a homicidal maniac right next to him” spot. Bad idea, but fortunately John Cena appears on the stage and everything is A-OK.

-Cena tries to emote…I’m not sure what. Grief?

-Eve asks if Zack is ok. I’m not a doctor, I just play one in a wrestling column, but I’m guessing not.

-Randy Orton is coming back on Smackdown! The commercial tells us he’s targeting Wade Barrett, but how do we know he won’t pull a Kane and randomly attack whoever Wade’s wrestling?

-Eve blames Cena for Ryder getting injured. Did he tell Kane to choke slam the man through the stage? I’m pretty sure he didn’t. Cena responds with a nervous tick.

-Wait a minute, does this mean that Zack Ryder WON’T be at the Rumble? #AREYOUSERIOUSBRO

-Jinder Mahal’s in the ring. Now I’m even more outraged.

-Fortunately we have Wade Barrett on commentary to make things more palatable.

-Sheamus busts out the Finlay/Regal Roll!

-If I was a WWE/World Champion I would be hoping that Sheamus doesn’t win the Royal Rumble.

-I would also be hoping that Miz doesn’t win, considering that stinker of a WM main event he had last year.

-REGAL! About time he was on the Raw announce team.

-Funkasaurus rocking the white this week. The Funkettes really should be matching with him.

-SOMEBODY CALL HIS MOMMA

-Regal claims he is a better dancer than Brodus. He seems to be alone in this opinion.

-Miz & R-Truth compete in a match where the loser will be #1. I’d be cool with Miz getting #1 because it would mean that he won’t be winning…but I have the feeling that Miz will be in a long time if he gets that number. So I’m hoping he gets #30.

-So of course R-Truth wins.

-Zack Ryder has a broken back, making a Royal Rumble appearance unlikely. How soon do you come back from that? I think Tommy Dreamer had a broken back the last full year of ECW. He wouldn’t leave!

-Also, this is quite the injury to write somebody out with. I wonder if there’s more to this story than meets the eye.

-You just don’t see people rocking the red gi very often. I approve of Big Johnny’s wardrobe choice, though I have the feeling the memo he just got will be bad news for the main event.

-Punk heads to the ring at 11:00 Eastern. I have a feeling this match won’t last long.

-What was the Dynamic Dudes theme song anyway?

-The WWE Board of Directors faxes their disapproval towards Big Johnny and declare his status as interim GM under review!

-Job Evaluations = Ratings

-Big Johnny puts Mick Foley in the Royal Rumble and admits that he’ll call the Punk/Ziggler match right down the middle.

-Expect lots of angry tweets from JR tonight.

-Otunga replaces Big Johnny in the match. That doesn’t last long. Well, actually it was never officially a match.

-Punk puts Johnny to sleep, then Ziggler gives Punk a Zig Zag! The move, not the drug paraphernalia.

Not a lot of TNA news this week. Lockdown will be held in Nashville, Tennessee at the Municipal Auditorium on April 15, and the company is holding shows in England while the India group is taping more shows there.

Yup, that’s about it. I wouldn’t even have mentioned that if I didn’t have to use a Traci picture this week.

ROH & CHIKARA will be presenting a doubleheader of wrestling action entitled “Synergy” on April 28 at Chicago Ridge’s Frontier Fieldhouse. CHIKARA was originally going to hold a show on that date at the Logan Square Auditorium, which led to some concern from indy fans in the area that they’d have to pick between the two shows. Some CHIKARA wrestlers appeared at last Friday’s show in Philadelphia, and the team of Jigsaw & Hallowicked earned a ROH tag team title match by defeating the Briscoe Brothers. They’ll get their shot at the ROH show held on the 28th entitled “Unity”.

Will this lead to more cooperation between the companies? I think both companies would benefit from it. CHIKARA’s wrestling school recently lots its home when The Arena closed its doors to wrestling, so an affiliation with ROH, who has a wrestling school of their own, could be a good solution for their problems. As for ROH, they’re going to need more talent as they expand as a company, and merging their school with CHIKARA’s wouldn’t be a bad idea. The presentation of ROH & CHIKARA is quite different, so it’ll be interesting to see how it all combines.

ROH’s show in Norfolk, Virginia the night after their Philadelphia show didn’t go so well. The venue, which is part of the same complex that the Norfolk Scope belongs to, had a ceiling so low that the lighting towers couldn’t be used and the wrestlers couldn’t do aerial moves. I won’t be surprised if ROH runs into more of these issues over the next few months while they try to expand into new markets and new venues.

Longtime ROH employee Syd Eick was fired by the company over the weekend. Eick had been part of ROH since its inception in 2002 and was involved in most of the company’s adminstrative decisions, booking of arenas, paying talent, selling tickets and whatever else there was to do. Eick has received mixed reviews from people inside the business…ok, they were mostly negative. No word yet on what caused his departure, though it doesn’t come as a surprise because Sinclair Broadcasting Group was expected to phase out some of the older employees once they took over.

Balls Mahoney has been stripped of the Pro Wrestling Xtreme title and has been removed from future events. The promotion based in Orlando said that they had too many issues with Mahoney to continue booking him. A message posted by one of the moderators of their Facebook page may hint at some of the issues:

“Has anyone found Balls Mahoney’s last tooth yet? Rumor has it he put it under his pillow in the tent he’s been sleeping in for the tooth fairy to drop off a dollar so he could get some Crystal Meth..”

I know, it’s shocking that a former ECW star would have drug problems.

Former XPW owner Rob Black was inducted into the Porn Hall of Fame at the AVN Awards in Las Vegas on Saturday night. I wonder if 411’s Tony Acero managed to score an interview with him, as I’m pretty sure that’s why he went to Las Vegas over the weekend. Dave Meltzer described this HOF as having even less credibility than the WWE Hall of Fame. Unfortunately he didn’t say how it compares to the Wrestling Observer Hall of Fame, but I’m pretty sure he won’t have to worry about inducting Rob Black anytime soon.

It’s a special week here at the Corner, as yesterday marked the seventh anniversary of the debut of this column. Long-time readers know that this column has not been presented every single week since its debut, as I went on a hiatus from January 2007 to August 2009 while doing the Ask 411 Wrestling thing and then taking a break from the whole Internet wrestling writing thing. I came back in August 2009, and as far as I’m concerned the column’s been at its best during the second run. Sometimes I look back at the old stuff and I cringe because it doesn’t live up to my current standards.

This week I thought it would be fun to look back at the January 23, 2005 edition of this column and see how it holds up through 2012 eyes. I’ll be presenting some footnotes, which should be easy enough to figure out since they’ll be in bold. Without further adieu, I present the very first edition of News From Cook’s Corner!

———-

Hi folks. This is the Impact Playa (1) Steve Cook, and welcome to the new Sunday hotness! After my stellar performance main eventing The 411’s a couple of weeks back, Csonka, Randle and Ashish decided that I deserved a little more responsibility around here. Well, maybe that’s not really why I’m here now, but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. You can find Larry Csonka doing his news thing on Tuesdays now while Ricky Hazard moves to Saturdays. (2) Larry will now be devoting his weekends to leading massive group prayers for his Pittsburgh Steelers, at least until they lose to the Patriots tonight. (3)

1. “The Impact Playa” was my nickname back when Larry & I thought we needed nicknames to get over. I started here as a TNA Impact recapper.

3. They did, but things didn’t end well on this front. In 2006 Carson Palmer was taken out in the 1st round playoff game between the Bengals & Steelers, and it took me several months to get over it. OK, part of me still hasn’t gotten over it. At least Super Bowl XL taught us that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit.

Or until he fires me after reading that witty remark. I respect you, booker man!

This isn’t my first time doing a wrestling news report…as my tragically loyal fans who followed me over at TWTF.com (4) know, I started doing a weekend news report for that site almost a year ago. Interestingly enough, I was filling in for the man you can soon find on Thursdays right here at 411 Wrestling, Dave “Liberal Jew” Schilling. (5) Small world, isn’t it? I got tired of doing the news after about 5 months, and did it 4 more months before finally throwing in the towel.

4. TWTF.com was where Csonka & I started doing this writing thing. It was co-owned by Trent “The Penguin” Howell, my podcasting partner on Offtheteam.com who I’ll be seeing the Royal Rumble with this weekend. Last I checked, the site had been taken over by cyber terrorists or some such nonsense.

5. Dave’s Thursday stint lasted until August 2005. He hasn’t been back in the wrestling zone, he popped up in Politics for a bit after the 2008 election, but he got bored with it and hasn’t been seen around here since. According to his Facebook page he’s the content manager at a gaming website.

3 months later and I’m in the same chair once occupied by IdubyaC legends like Joshua Grutman, Jay Bower, Daniels, Eric Somethingorother, Flea, Ashish, and Tammy Sytch. (6) It’s quite an honor, and I hope to live up to all your expectations of me. I will cut and paste news, crack jokes about it, talk about random bullshit, and do all the other things that you all have come to love here at 411!

6. I don’t know where most of these people are now. Grut and I chatted a bit online in 2003 and he told me that I could be as big as him someday. This seemed like a big deal at the time.

And I might occasionally mention Tracy Brooks. It’s something I’ve been known to do from time to time. (7)

7. Traci used to be the main object of my affection. Obviously I’ve branched out since then, though she’ll always be my first Internet wrestling crush. I never came up with a name for them though.

Now for some news from Cook’s Corner…I call it that because they make me stay in my own little corner here at 411 Towers. Hell, even that Marsico guy (8) has a bigger office than me. No respect!

8. Nick was the Smackdown Rs guy at this point, so he was pretty low on the totem pole. He disappeared for awhile, and now he’s on the Wednesday news beat. Except next week when he’s on Tuesday. More on that later.

WWE News

The big news for WWE this week is the signing of “Stone Cold” Steve Austin to a 3 movie deal with WWE Films. Of course, the moral majority is all hot and bothered about this because of some allegations regarding Austin’s personal life. I must admit to some bias when it comes to the subject of Steve Austin since I’ve been following his career since his WCW days and have always been a big fan of his. I even met him once at a car show in Louisville. So his personal life problems just don’t piss me off as much as they do other people because I’m a filthy Austin mark. Hey, at least I’m honest about it!

I can’t bring myself to get too excited about this because it’s WWE Films and everything WWE tries that isn’t wrestling ends up sucking ass. Maybe I should give them a chance…maybe that movie with John Cena or the movie with Kane will be outstanding and get nominated for an Academy Award.

Stranger things have happened! Really. (9)

9. It didn’t happen. Austin ended up doing one project with WWE Films, The Condemned. He hasn’t been in anything too exciting since, but there’s hope since he’s doing movies with Steven Seagal & Dolph Lundgren this year.

In other news containing stars too big to compete in WWE regularly anymore, The Rock’s WWE future is in question due to WWE not offering to renew his contract. On one hand, you can’t blame WWE for not being quick to renew the contract of a guy who works for them maybe once a year. On the other hand, it’s nice to have a big celebrity like Rock who will put over your product on television. Personally, I’d find a way to keep him happy, but it’s not like he’s going to jump to the competition or anything like that. Rock does well acting in movies, and that’s where the money is. So you can’t really blame him too much for not wrestling anymore.

Plus, he’s big enough in Hollywood that he doesn’t have to work for WWE Films. (10)

10. This is still true.

Sources say that Vince McMahon has been focusing more on Raw recently because their contract with Spike TV will be up in September. This may or may not explain why I’ve been watching 24 during the first hour of Raw since I figure I won’t miss anything too exciting.

In related news, Smackdown is apparently still on UPN.

Rumor has it that a possible match for WrestleMania 21 is an inter-promotional match between Kurt Angle & Shawn Michaels. That could be off the hook, though it really would have been something special a couple years ago, back when Michaels was the one who was seen as very injury prone. (11)

11. This ended up being pretty damn awesome. It wouldn’t be the last time I poo-pooed the idea of a WrestleMania match that ended up being a classic. These instances usually involved Undertaker.

Monday is Jim Ross Day in Oklahoma. How does one celebrate such an occasion? I have a few suggestions…

1. Put on a black cowboy hat and tell your wife to load your chicken dinner with your barbecue sauce, or you’ll damn her straight to hell by gawd.
2. Invite your pervert friend who likes to wear a crown over for Raw.
3. Write a cookbook. Don’t worry about publishing it or anything…it’ll still make as much money as JR’s did.
4. Get your head rubbed into the ass of your boss.
5. Then watch Raw and see how they humiliate JR this week

WWE’s pay per view schedule for 2005 was released last week. Of note to most people was a “To Be Announced” show on June 12th, which might unfortunately be an ECW reunion show. I say unfortunately because as a loyal ECW fan, I want ECW to rest in peace, and not become another over-produced Vince McMahon wrestling show. (12) Also notable was the inclusion for the second year of Taboo Tuesday. Considering that was the last WWE PPV I’ve actually bothered to watch, I don’t see why that’s such a bad thing.

12. The ECW reunion show happened & ECW became another over-produced Vince McMahon wrestling show in 2006.

Speaking of raping the ECW name out of every last cent that it’s worth, WWE is considering publishing a book based on the ECW DVD. New Jack says that he would read it if he was able to read.

Speaking of New Jack, he announced at an IWA Mid-South show that he had signed a deal with WWE. With any luck, the deal was to keep New Jack far far away from WWE. Nothing like hiring a guy who often gets arrested for stabbing people in the ring. Hey, it worked for Kevin Sullivan!

A stripper implicated in the plot to steal $200,000 from Jerry “The King” Lawler’s house pled guilty. In exchange for that, Lawler agreed not to ogle her as she left the courtroom. He did anyway because he’s the King!

Finally, a Puerto Rican newspaper reports that WWE will be returning to the island for a house show in April, as well as Summerslam in August. I suppose that’s a fair trade for Jennifer Lopez. She’s from Puerto Rico, right? I always forget these things. (13)

As we later learned, Jenny is from the Block. South-side Bronx, y’all. SummerSlam was in neither Puerto Rico or the Bronx, but Washington D.C.

TNA News

As most of you likely know by now, TNA had a pay per view last Sunday called Final Resolution. It sounded pretty good to me except for the ending of their main event, but you’re never going to believe who had this to say about the show:

Didn’t think I’d say this about a TNA show, but this was pretty much the best PPV I’ve seen in a couple of years, with just the right mix of old school tag wrestling, crazy highspots, and new style main event overbooking to hold my attention for three hours. In fact, with the exception of two matches in the midcard, there was nary a match on this card that I wouldn’t classify between good and great. Obviously monthly PPVs agree with them. Whereas the first one was weak, the last two have been a blast aside from some questionable booking decisions. Thumbs way up.

So who said it? Believe it or not, that’s none other than Scott Keith giving his take on the show! Damn, it must have been something if it made HIM happy. (14)

14. Where do you think Wes learned to call out TNA-haters from? The difference is that TNA actually had a good show at this point.

Unfortunately, attendance for the Impact taping on Tuesday was down from usual. The official explanation was poor traffic at Universal, which is understandable on a Tuesday anyway, but I wouldn’t be surprised at all if some of those fans who went to the show wanting Monty to win the title were a wee bit disappointed and decided not to come back. This is why Jerry Jarrett says it’s always important to send the crowd home happy.

Wait a minute…

Another reason for attendance going down just might be an incident on Sunday before the show, where the VIP line (TNA street teamers and Jeff Hardy fans) rushed into the building, crushing several people in the process. No injuries were reported, but TNA is looking into the matter to prevent such an event from happening again.

The really sad part is that those lameass Hardy fans left the show after their boy had his match. How pathetic is that? It’s like going to a basketball game to see the dance team perform, then leave right afterwards. (15)

15. My distaste for all things Hardy has been consistent through the years.

At least the Nashville fans stuck around for the whole show…

In other news, TNA has already announced several matches for their “Against All Odds” PPV on February 13th. Let’s take a look, shall we?

NWA World Title Match:
Jeff Jarrett vs. Kevin Nash

*throws up*

NWA X Division Title Ironman Match:
AJ Styles vs. Christopher Daniels

Looks like the third show in a row TNA will have AT LEAST one super duper awesome match on their show. That ain’t bad at all. If they gave this the last hour of the show and let them go to town, I won’t give a shit if they have to have Nash & Jarrett stink up the place before then. (16)

16. Styles & Daniels are still feuding. Well, they haven’t been feuding the whole time, but they are now, and it’s not nearly as fun.

Full Metal Mayhem: Tables, Ladders, Chairs & Chains
Abyss vs. Jeff Hardy

Well, I don’t like either of these guys, but am willing to concede that they can have a good match if Hardy bumps his ass off for Abyss and they have a David/Goliath vibe going. It’s also a good thing that they threw the chains in there…don’t want a lawsuit, no sir.

B.G. James & Jeff Hammond vs. Michael Shane & Kazarian

Hopefully Shane & Kaz end up attacking Hammond at the Daytona 500. That would be pretty cool, and give TNA quite a bit of publicity. Hammond’s match has already got attention in NASCAR circles and has been reported in several Southern newspapers. So hopefully that will make up for the lack of workrate in this match, though I’m sure Shane & Kaz will do their best to make the match watchable. Hammond won’t be James’ worst tag team partner ever…after all, he did team with Billy Gunn for several years.

According to the website there’s also a tag team title match, but I’ve already exceeded my limit for writing about Kid Kash this weekend. My apologies.

Also planned for Against All Odds weekend is another fan fest similar to the one held at Victory Road. 5 bucks to anybody who asks Traci about that Cook guy who obsesses about her on the internet. (17)

17. James Thomlison actually did at one of these things. Good thing this was long after I promised to send people money. Like I have 5 bucks.

In TNA talent relations news, Johnny Fairplay’s deal with TNA has expired, as Final Resolution was his last appearance with TNA. Hooray! Shark Boy is expected to return soon. Double hooray! (18) And Hector Garza is expected to be deported within the month unless he can successfully appeal his deportation. Should he be deported, he can not legally enter the U.S. for 10 years. Boo.

18. I used to like Shark Boy. I‘m sure he‘s good people, but eventually I got bored with him.

NWA Mid-Atlantic Wrestling toured South Korea this weekend, though their “tour” was cut down from 3 events to 1 because of poor ticket sales. To the surprise of nobody, Jeff Jarrett wouldn’t even job in a foreign country, defeating AJ Styles. There were several TNA stars on hand, and people not currently in TNA, such as Sting, Buff Bagwell, and Gail Kim. 2 of those 3 would be terrific additions to TNA, and the other is one of Larry Csonka’s least favorite opponents of all time. I’ll let you all guess which one that is. (19)

Hint: It’s not Gail Kim, who is one of Larry’s favorite fantasy opponents.

19. Buff Bagwell.

Finally, Jerry Lynn said in an interview with tnawrestling.com that he hopes to be recovered from his shoulder injury and back wrestling in June 2005. In the interview he also called Juventud Guerrera a dumb idiot. While I can not confirm or deny whether Mr. Guerrera is an idiot, (20) I do wish Lynn the best in his recovery.

Evidence sides with Mr. Lynn however. The ecstasy incident in Australia involving Juvi would indicate such a thing.

20. Future evidence such as Juvi getting fired from WWE for being an idiot would also side with Lynn.

Other wrestling news

The wrestler formerly known in WWE as A-Train has made his triumphant return…to Impact Zone Wrestling. (21) He’s going by the name “Baldo Train”. Somebody ought to tell him that “Matt Bloom” isn’t that bad of a name, and he might as well use that instead of trying to come up with one on his own. Seriously, all of his names he’s ever used have been terrible! Prince Albert? Baldo? A-Train? Egads.

21. I wonder if this Impact Zone Wrestling is the one that Greg DeMarco worked for.

In a related story, I wanted to change my pen name to “Haywood Jablome”, but 411 management told me it wasn’t a good idea.

I’m not sure if this is really wrestling news, but everybody else is talking about it…Joanie “Chyna” Laurer was recently spotted at a Scores Nightclub in New York City with her new boyfriend from “The Surreal Life” Marcus Schenkenberg. Apparently Sheckenwhatever was a big model for Calvin Klein or something. Anyway, Chyna got up on stage and started doing a strip tease. They let her do the top, but when she started to reveal the penis sized vagina security had enough and stopped her.

For the record, I don’t plan on reporting Chyna news every week because she isn’t in wrestling anymore. (22) And I don’t watch “The Surreal Life” because I don’t enjoy car crashes on television outside NASCAR. So there.

22. I still try to avoid reporting Chyna news as much as possible, unless it’s a slow news week.

However, I do love me some Blue Collar TV. They will be doing a wrestling themed show with Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Larry the Cable Guy in matches against professional wrestlers. No word yet on when that will air, but that should be pretty frickin hilarious. (23)

It was pretty funny, but didn’t quite reach hilarious levels.

Next weekend in Tampa will be an event called Wrestle Reunion. Hosted by Diamond Dallas Page and Bill Apter, it will be a 3 day event with autograph sessions and a wrestling show on Saturday night featuring a main event of Jeff Jarrett vs. Tully Blanchard with Ricky Steamboat as a guest referee. Other matches featuring old stars and a few new ones will be held…if you’re in the Tampa area it sounds like an interesting way to spend a weekend. With the Bucs out of the Super Bowl picture I doubt y’all have much else going on…

Remembering Pistol Pez

“Pistol” Pez Whatley passed away last week after having heart and other health problems for the past couple of years. What I remember most about Pez was him coming out every week on WCW Saturday Night to lose to some guy WCW was building up. He wasn’t just a jobber though, he worked with the WCW Power Plant and worked backstage for WCW during its last few years. He also held the NWA Southern title several times in Florida, and was part of a team called “The Jive Tones”. Now there’s a tag team name! He also amazingly worked under the name Willie B. Hert in CWF. 411 sends its condolences to the Whatley family and his friends.

This Week in Wrestling History

Every week I’ll take a look back at an important event in the history of professional wrestling that happened on the week this column is published. This week’s event is fairly simple…

January 23, 1984 – The Iron Sheik’s one month reign as WWF Champion came to an end at the hands of a newcomer to the promotion, Hulk Hogan. Hogan was replacing the scheduled opponent for Sheik, former WWF Champion Bob Backlund, who was unable to wrestle due to injuries from his previous match with Sheik. Hogan destroyed Sheik, Backlund disappeared, and the WWF was never the same.

Afterwards, the Sheik bounced around various wrestling promotions including a return to the WWF in 1991 as Colonel Mustafa. He would return again to manage the Sultan in 1997, and again in 2001 to win the Gimmick Battle Royal at WrestleMania X-Seven. Backlund would take a leave of absence from wrestling until 1992 when he returned to the WWF. Two years later he would snap after losing a WWF Title match to then-champ Bret Hart, and miraculously win the WWF title once again at Survivor Series 1994. After an ill-fated presidential campaign in 1996, he would join his one time arch-nemesis Iron Sheik and help manage the Sultan. Hogan would bounce around from promotion to promotion, and is now known as the father of pop music sensation Brooke Hogan.

Plugs!

It’s not like he even needs a plug because he’s the best non-TNA recapper out there, but J.D. Dunn’s counting down the days to the Royal Rumble by reviewing each and every Royal Rumble! Props to him sitting through the crap that was 1994.

Will English reviewed HBK vs. Diesel from Good Friends, Better Enemies. I still think that’s the best Kevin Nash match ever, no doubt about it.

Sforcina’s (24) got the Evolution Schematic, bitch.

24. The only writer in this section other than Csonka that’s still here.

Bishop Yings and Yangs.

Matt Nute finished you off with the Rings of Saturn. While you were in it he screamed about how TNA sucks and ROH is off da hizzle fo shizzle nizzle.

Napier answers all your rasslin questions. I can’t believe Pamela Paulshock married that dope on Blind Date.

O’Dog writes a lot but my favorite is where he respects Francisco Garcia. Damn straight. Garcia is a junior at the University of Louisville just like I am. We’re both among the top rising stars in our fields, yet he stands to make a LOT more money than me. Sometimes life just isn’t fair, y’know? (25)

25. His NBA career hasn’t been much, but Francisco still has much more money and fame than me. As do most people in our class, actually.

Fact or Fiction has my 3 bosses. Csonka wins this battle because he rightfully said that TNA’s PPVs were better than WWE’s recently.

Asteroid Boy writes a column that doesn’t mention Matt Hardy.

Larry has the 3 Rs and admits I was right and he was wrong about Jeff Jarrett retaining the title.

Of course there’s all the TV Reports. Raw, Smackdown, Heat, Velocity, Experience, Impact…if it’s wrestling, one of us poor bastards are recapping it so you don’t necessarily have to watch it.

And don’t forget about all the other Zones here at 411. Music, Movies, Sports, Politics, what’s not to like?

Final Thought

A British psychologist has used an overly complicated formula to figure out that the most depressing day of the year will be tomorrow. Personally I find that rather hard to believe because the most depressing day of the year for many of us in America happened last Thursday.

But for those of you who might be feeling a little more depressed than usual tomorrow, lighten up! There are plenty of reasons why January 24th can not possibly be the most depressing day of the year…for instance, Donald Trump will be on his honeymoon. Now, if your heart can’t be warmed by the thought of this billionaire being able to find love for the third time, I don’t know what to tell you. Hell, it almost makes ME think I might find love someday.

Think about Roger Clemens! He’ll be making 18 million dollars this year pitching for the Houston Astros. He’s living the American dream…maybe someday you could make 1/18 of that! How great would that be?

January 24th is the birthday of one of America’s most beloved musicians, Neil Diamond! Who couldn’t be happy for that? It is also the birthday of the O.C.’s Mischa Barton, and former Fresh Prince of Bel-Air star Tatyana Ali. Lots of happy birthdays means time to be happy!

Hell, tomorrow is Jim Ross Day! Who could possibly be depressed for that, BY GAWD? (26)

26. Apparently the most depressing day of the year now is the third Monday of January instead of the fourth. I don’t think I was too depressed last Monday, so I dispute this finding.

Randle’s here tomorrow. Till next week, git-r-done! (27)

27. Lord, I apologize for that closing line.

———-

OK, so it wasn’t nearly as bad as I was expecting. Some of that is still funny. My work took a nosedive somewhere in the 2007-09 timeframe, and fortunately I regained my mojo somewhere along the way. I’d like to thank two large groups of people for my “success”:

The Wrestlers: To everybody that ever steps in a ring, whether it’s in Madison Square Garden or at the Richwood Flea Market. Without people willing to bust their ass every day and night for the enjoyment of wrestling fans across the world, people like me that could never hope to do what they do wouldn’t have the opportunity to do what we do, small in the grand scheme of things as it may be. Special thanks are due to the wrestlers that I’ve had the chance to interview either on 411wrestling.com or the 411 on Wrestling Podcast: Traci Brooks, Terra Calaway, Josh Damian, Martin Casaus. Kristin Astara & Taeler Hendrix. It’s been a pleasure to get to know all of these people on some level, along with some other folks in wrestling I’ve crossed paths with over the years but shan’t mention at the moment.

I know some wrestlers out there don’t care for me very much, but I thank them all the same for their contributions to wrestling and this column. After all, if it wasn’t for the screw-ups continuing to do their thing I usually wouldn’t have much to write about. In all seriousness, hopefully most people in wrestling familiar with 411 and this column realize that the lame jokes are all in fun & the personal attacks only come when they’re well-deserved.

Thank you all for giving me something to talk about.

The Readers: Simply put, with no readers there is no News From Cook’s Corner. If people didn’t click on this column, comment on it or send me an e-mail at [email protected], there would be no reason for me to be here. I admit it: a large percentage of the reason I’m still at 411 is because there’s an audience here. Some of the other writers here will spend most of their time complaining about the readers. I don’t get that. Sure, some of you seem to have a few screws loose, but most of you are just like us…even if you don’t want to admit it. I write because I love the pro wrestling, and you read this column for the exact same reason. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be here. Sure, we all have our different preferences, but it’d be pretty boring if everybody liked the same thing. The difference of opinions makes things interesting, and I’m always intrigued by what people think about wrestling, the people in it, or my take on things. Y’all let me know when I need to check myself, and I appreciate that. Whether you love me or you hate me (I’ve been lucky, it’s been more love than hate over the years), it’s always interesting to see what you have to say.

The folks in the comment section comment for many of the same reasons that I write: They want to give their opinion. They want to make a joke that they think is funny. They want to see what other people think about their opinions just as much as I do. They want to talk about pro wrestling. At the end of the day, that’s why everybody’s here. Many of you don’t comment or e-mail, and that’s fine. Hopefully I’ve provided you with some entertainment over the years.

Thank you all for giving me somebody to talk about wrestling with.

The 411 on Wrestling will be coming back this Friday night at 10 PM EST! Larry Csonka & I will talk about all the latest wrestling news, review Smackdown and preview the Royal Rumble! The last time we were on we had the pleasure of being joined by the lovely & talented Taeler Hendrix…if you missed that for some reason or want to hear more from Taeler about her career & wrestling & stuff, you can catch her tonight on the Greg DeMarco Show! He & Phil better be on their best behavior…

William Renken debuts with a look at the career of Kane.

Hawke interviews GREEN ANT!

Frame looks at Arn Anderson & the Great Muta. Now that’s some good times right there.

Weyer talks about house shows.

Well, that’s all we have time for this week! Quick programming note…next week’s News From Cook’s Corner will be posted on Wednesday while Nick Marsico will be providing you all with a lovely Tuesday wrestling news report. This is so I can make my way home from the Royal Rumble festivities and provide you all with a fantastic Road Report! So join me back here next Wednesday for more News From Cook’s Corner! Until then…