News From Cook’s Corner 02.14.12

Mom: Everybody?”

Put a sock in it, Mom! Sorry folks, she’s just wondering when I’m going to get around to producing some grandkids.

Mom: “Grandkids? No, I’d just like you to have a girlfriend more often than once every Presidential administration.”

Mom!

Mom: “They all serve two terms! Step your game up, son!”

I…I don’t have time for this. Let’s get to the MaleBag.

Mom: “MaleBag? No wonder you never have any girlfriends!”

Silence! I got comments to reply to!

So, how might another long time fan and reader of 411 get to contribute to Fact or Fiction? I’d be very interested if you are doing that for future edition. Could I just email you? – Christopher

A couple of weeks ago I had 411 reader Nick Perry take part in 411 Fact or Fiction…he sent me an e-mail talking about how big a fan of the column he was, and how he’d love to take part in it. I thought it would be interesting, so I let him do it. It was a little risky because he’d never done anything like it before and you never really know for sure what you’re going to get in that type of situation, but he did a great job and I thought it was a huge success. I think his edition outdrew Wes Kirk’s edition in comments, so that was pretty cool. Given Nick’s success, I’m open to having other readers involved in the column…if they’re up to the challenge. Send me an e-mail at [email protected] and tell me why I should let you be part of the column. I won’t be having readers in it every week, but it seems like a good way to mix things up and keep it fresh.

I’m not sure how many of you were around and watching WWF in the 80’s, but Brutus Beefcake was extremely over and a really fun character in the WWF’s heyday. Sure, he never really recovered (career-wise) from his accident but he was pretty good between 1986 – 1990. I remember that me and all of my friends LOVED The Barber. I actually think that his WCW run as The Butcher could have been a little better if they had spent some time building him up and having him actually wrestle. I’m not saying that I would have sacrificed Hogan-Vader, Hogan-Austin or Hogan-any other WCW wrestler for Hogan-Beefcake at Starrcade, but there was a little more potential for Brutus. Of course, then we got The Zodiac, The Booty Man and The Disciple – all of which sucked! – cpbasil

Some people took offense to my slamming the Barber in last week’s column…I probably should have explained that I was mostly talking about Beefcake’s WCW run. Like cpbasil says, he had some decent stuff in the WWF up until the parasailing accident that crushed his face. He wasn’t much after that, but he did draw a decent paycheck in WCW and we had to sit through a lot of crappy matches he had there. I think it would have been less offensive if they didn’t try to pass him off as a Starrcade main eventer in 1994 while Ric Flair was “retired” and running around in drag.

“I should have known letting you watch men in drag when you were still in elementary school was a bad idea.”

WILL YOU STOP?

Ok-on Sheamus winning the Rumble. 1. We don’t want new stars anymore. We want good talents. We’ve already had Del Rio, and Rhodes and Ziggler will be winning titles this year. 2. Jericho was the logical choice to go with-so go with him based on storyline and making the Rumble mean something. Watch everyone not want to watch the Rumble next year because they think they will put another guy over that just won’t work-it’s just dissapointing. – Why Jericho

1. Sheamus has good matches and is good on the microphone. That seems to fit the definition of “good talent” to me. Obviously some of you disagree with me on this, which is all right, but I have a feeling that Sheamus isn’t going anywhere and those who don’t like him aren’t going to be very happy for the next few years. Sucks for them.

2. Chris Jericho is a star with or without a Royal Rumble victory and there were plenty of other ways to get him into the WWE title picture…such as Elimination Chamber. If Jericho’s fans are so disappointed that he lost at the Rumble, they can root for him to win the title in the Chamber. He’s got pretty good odds of doing it because he’ll be the last man in the match. Frankly, I’d have Jericho win the title in the Chamber & have him defend against Punk at WrestleMania because I think Punk vs. Jericho would work better with Jericho as the champion and Punk chasing the title to prove that he is in fact the Best in the World. I hope the Internet has given up on that happening so WWE will go with it.

If the Royal Rumble can survive a Vince McMahon victory, it can survive pretty much anything.

Did anyone catch HHH smugly typing on his Blackberry at the end of his segment with Johnny Ace? Do I smell, dare I say, foreshadowing? #HiddenHighlight P.S. Huge thumbs up for the Rosa pic – Kent Jueggernott

I give Kent a thumbs up for unknowingly foreshadowing JP Prag’s return to Fact or Fiction!

I think HHH was texting the Undertaker his acceptance of a WM match. That would be anti-climactic in a funny way. WTF. Vengeance. LMFAO. U R On. – Boris Becker

I can’t decide whether this is better or worse than the current WM match-making system where everybody either looks or points at the WrestleMania sign. I think Undertaker should have a Twitter account…if he only tweets to alert us when celebrities actually die. That would cut back on people believing lame Internet death rumors something fierce.

Two Super Bowls mean Eli is an elite QB. – MothershipChip

Indeed. When you win two Super Bowls and you do so with two game-winning drives, you’re elite. Those numbers matter more than any other in the National Football League.

And now, the fake news!

The Rock, Undertaker & Shawn Michaels are all being advertised for upcoming Raws. Here’s a list so you know which shows you need to watch and which ones you can skip!

February 20: Undertaker
February 27: Rock
March 5: Rock, Undertaker, Shawn Michaels
March 12: Rock, Undertaker, Shawn Michaels
March 19: None
March 26: Rock
April 2: Rock

I don’t know what Philadelphia did to warrant none of these guys…maybe they don’t need to advertise them in Philly to get a good crowd there?

Alberto Del Rio appeared on SmackDown house shows in San Francisco & Bakersfield, California over the weekend. He did not compete in matches, but he did confront Sheamus and they had arm wrestling matches that did not end well for the Mexican Aristocrat. He also generated some buzz with a radio appearance he made in San Fran where he talked about how he didn’t really like the other wrestlers and especially hated The Miz. I’m guessing that ADR was just ribbing Miz like most of the WWE Superstars like to do (Did you guys read that book with WWE Superstars telling road stories from a couple of years ago? Most of them buried Miz one way or another), but it was pretty funny either way.

WrestleMania 29’s location will be announced sometime this week, and the consensus seems to be that it’ll be at MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey. I saw some sites reporting that New York Giants tight end Jake Ballard confirmed this on Twitter, but when I looked at his account all I could find was him answering a question from a fan asking how he felt about WM at the Meadowlands.

“@giantsrule5: @NYG_J_Ballard85 are you excited that wrestle mania is coming to MetLife?” yes it’s going to be awesome!

I’m not sure that confirms anything, but I’m not a pro wrestling insider. So what do I know? Hey, it could still be at the Meadowlands, I just think it’s silly to use a tweet like that as evidence.

The Raw group went to Abu Dhabi last week. The most notable event was John Cena putting Kane through a table on top of the tallest building in the world. There were no Diva matches, so the shows weren’t all that different from usual. Sadly, CM Punk was unable to find Nermal the Cat. I think that covers most of the big news from the trip.

Jerry Lawler is bringing back The Jerry Lawler Show, which was a Memphis-area talk show that ran during the early 1980s. It’ll be airing on Sundays at 6 AM, so their audience will be old people up early for church and drunks that still haven’t gone to bed following their Saturday night festivities. Jeez, ROH has better timeslots.

John Cena paid off the lein against his Florida home that was filed by a roofing company some months back. It was $15,214.92…or approximately how much Cena will make per minute during his match with The Rock at WrestleMania.

CM Punk is being advertised to appear on the live edition of SmackDown taking place next Tuesday. Daniel Bryan vs. Big Show & Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett have been advertised locally, which makes sense because those are the matches going around the house shows, but that doesn’t necessarily mean those matches will be taking place.

-I turn off ESPN just after a Louisville loss to see Kane cutting a promo. Talk about going from bad to worse.

-An Elimination Chamber debate? At least Jericho’s wearing his sparkly jacket.

-R-Truth for President? I’ve seen worse candidates.

-This debate did as much to sell me on the Elimination Chamber match as the Republican Presidential debates have to sell me on their candidates.

-I can only imagine how mad Jericho fans will be if Kofi beats him.

-No worries, Jericho beats Kofi in a decent little match. He did use the old Greco-Roman eye poke, so there’s that.

-Hey, it’s Shawn Michaels! Bro hug for Triple H!

-Fairly Legal Girl is back! How I’ve missed her.

-You know, I wasn’t a huge fan of Kane tombstoning Zack Ryder in person. I don’t really need to see it again.

-Zack has to be at Raw so he can tell Eve how he feels about her. I’m sure this will end well.

-Michael Cole has an action figure. If I was six years old I’d buy it just so all my other action figures could beat it up.

-All right, it’s the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! Business is picking up!

-Cole seems to be seeking Daniel Bryan’s support by kissing his ass. I’m not sure Bryan will buy it.

-Bryan vs. Orton will main event SmackDown once again. Considering that was one of the two good things about last week’s show, I support this.

-DOG SHOW ON CNBC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Wow, the ropes actually held Big Show up for that DDT. Didn’t see that working.

-Then they botch the RKO. Whoops.

-I think Cole’s gone schizophrenic on us.

-Shawn Michaels comes down to the ring to run through his old catchphrases and talk about Undertaker & Triple H.

-I wonder how many cross-over viewers Raw & the dog show has.

-Judging from Shawn’s physique, he’s not wrestling anytime soon.

-HBK pulling Triple H’s punk card!

-Triple H talks about how Undertaker is a brand that’s good for business.

-Then he implies that the current generation doesn’t leave it all in the ring every night. I doubt bringing that up is good for business.

-Triple H takes his jacket off so he can reject the challenge once again.

-Another Undertaker video! This one has him cutting his hair! Good move, it would have been silly for him to wrestle in a wig.

-Some Steeler dude is in attendance. Troy Woluaamau or something like that.

-I’m torn on whether or not I want to buy a shirt that says “Little Jimmy Says” on it.

-Ziggler’s showing off comes back to haunt him. That’s all right, the HHH/HBK promo was probably better than that match would have been.

-John Cena’s not doing a good job of protecting Zack from intruders. See how easily Santino got in that locker room? If he can do it, Kane can do it real easy.

-Hey, Tamina got her last name back!

-Awww, I was hoping for a cutaway to the crowd like we got after the Tamina splash last week. That was probably the best part of that show.

-Lawler is now throwing things at Cole.

-Cena’s reaction to the newest Rock video is interrupted by Kane putting Eve in an ambulance. Cena saves her, Eve kisses him, and lo and behold…there’s Zack Ryder in the background! OH NOES!

-Of course John Cena would steal his injured best friend’s woman. Don’t act surprised!

-Ohhhhhhhhhh, the “let’s be friends” line! God I hope Zack Ryder kills both of these people when he recovers from his injuries.

-And as Greg DeMarco points out on the Twitter, Eve apologized that Zack had to see it, not that it happened. The hussy! I haven’t been this outraged since Louisville lost to Syracuse earlier tonight!

-The Miz is in the main event. Obviously he’s being punished for not catching R-Truth.

-Miz taps out to the Anaconda Vice! Jericho looks on wearing his sparkly jacket.

-Oh God, I thought we were done with the Kane stuff tonight.

-John, I doubt Kane planned on you kissing Eve like the scoundrel that you are. And really, if that’s his idea of an evil plan I’m going to come up with something that will really piss him off.

-The crowd informs Cena that they all hate him. Tremendous.

-Zack Ryder makes his way down to the ring. I’m sure this will end well.

-Ryder slaps Cena! Tell me Cena’s not going to attack a man that’s injured!

-The girls squealing for Cena taking his shirt off should feel ashamed of themselves.

-Sure enough, Cena tosses down an injured man. Typical Cena!

-Kane cuts another promo, then wheels Ryder off the stage!

-Eve has the gall to come out and check on Zack. Indeed, with friends like Cena & Eve, Zack Ryder needs no enemies.

Vince Russo is reportedly out of the company. He had been demoted from his position as head writer back in October 2011 when Bruce Pritchard was installed as the head of creative, and had been serving as a contributing writer since. It was widely reported that Dave Lagana had taken Russo’s spot and in fact had become the head writer, but at this time he’ll just be helping out with backstage segments. Russo was not at Against All Odds or the Impact taping on Monday. Considering that Impact’s actually been getting good reviews from the online critics lately, I’m not surprised that they’re going to change things up. Eric Bischoff’s power is said to be increasing, which is bad news for people like me that liked most of that they saw on Impact last week that didn’t involve the Bischoff family or Hulk Hogan.

Unfortunately, the main news coming out of the Against All Odds PPV was Jesse Sorensen being seriously injured during his match with Zema Ion. Sorensen was attempting to catch Ion on a springboard moonsault to the floor, but Ion’s knee struck Sorensen on the top of his head and knocked him out. He was down for several minutes before being carried away on a stretcher, and Dixie Carter tweeted that Sorensen was in the hospital with a neck injury. On Monday we found out that Sorensen had suffered a fractured C-1 vertebrae & spinal cord endema. He is slowly regaining feeling in his arms & legs.

I’m sure you all remember how R-Truth managed to avoid serious injury on Raw despite Miz being unable to catch him on a dive to the outside. Miz got a lot of heat backstage & from Internet fans for not being able to complete the spot, but Sorensen’s injury serves as a reminder of why you can’t get too hyperactive blaming these guys for unable to do a “simple spot” like catching somebody on a dive. It’s not as easy as it looks on TV, and even when you do the spot right there’s still the potential for serious injury. Hopefully Sorensen will fully recover from this, and hopefully wrestlers will have better luck with these diving spots in the future.

New York Giants running back Brandon Jacobs will be appearing on this week’s episode of Impact. Football players have made a habit out of appearing on TNA programming over the years, but they haven’t exactly been successful after their appearance. Remember when New York Jets linebacker Bart Scott appeared on Impact last March? His sack numbers were up, but his team didn’t live up to expectations and missed the playoffs. Pacman Jones’s football career has been largely non-existent since his TNA Tag Team Title reign. I’m not sure if there’s a TNA curse or not, but it might be something worth keeping an eye on.

Taz did not appear at Against All Odds due to the death of his wife’s brother. Taz tweeted that he wouldn’t have have had a career if not for him, as he gave Taz the money he needed to go to wrestling school.

Katie Hebner, the daughter of TNA referee Earl Hebner, is in training to become a pro wrestler. I wonder if Earl would get mad if the fans said that she screwed Bret. Katie played the sister of Gail Kim in an Impact segment back in 2008, so one has to assume that she got her looks from her mother.

“Ummm…. Did my ears just deceive me… Or did the Immortal Hulk Hogan just call Baby Bischoff the future of this business? WTH?! FML!”

Is Mickie’s contract up soon? I appreciate her honesty, but something tells me that talking negatively about Baby Bischoff isn’t a good way to keep oneself on the good side of management.

New Japan has a new heavyweight champion, as Kazuchika Okada defeated Hiroshi Tanahashi in Osaka on Sunday to win the IWGP Championship and end Tanahashi’s record-setting title reign where he defended the championship more times than any previous champion. Okada worked in TNA from February 2010 until October 2011…he had a lot of Xplosion matches and his most high-profile storyline while he was there was when he assisted Samoa Joe in his feud against The Pope. I’m sure New Japan is telling their fans that he did a lot of great things while he was with TNA & showing clips of the one match he actually won.

ROH’s 10th Anniversary Show will be headlined with a match pitting Davey Richards & Kyle O’Reilly vs. Eddie Edwards & Adam Cole. If you had told me back in April 2010 while I was watching Kyle O’Reilly in a dark match with Samson at an ROH show in Dayton that he would be part of ROH’s 10th Anniversary Show main event, I would have asked what the heck you were smoking, and if I could have some. Heck, if you’d told me that Kyle O’Reilly would be part of the 10th Anniversary Show main event a few days ago, I would have asked the same thing.

ROH’s show in Cincinnati this Friday night will feature a “Rise & Prove Tournament” featuring four teams not currently on the ROH roster. Two teams feature OVW talent (Shiloh Jonze & Rudy Switchblade, Sean Casey & Chris Silvio), one team is from Australia (Shane Haste & Mikey Nicholls), and the other is from Alabama (Mike Posey & Corey Hollis). The winning team will receive a “Proving Ground” match with the ROH Tag Team Champions on a future ROH event.

Love & wrestling go together like a cow & rustling. This, I tell ya brother…you can’t have one without the other. The problem with that is that most wrestling relationships are doomed to failure. Take Randy Savage & Elizabeth. They’re considered wrestling’s greatest couple by most observers, but they got divorced in real life less than a year after their characters got married on PPV. The successful relationships are vastly outnumbered by the ones that end with the man getting attacked by his woman’s new man, or the man cheating on the woman with another woman on the roster, or the storyline simply getting dropped by the creative team. Wrestling is a really hard place to have a long-lasting meaningful relationship.

Another problem is that most wrestlers pretty much operate like teenagers when it comes to these things. They base their relationships largely on physical attraction, and most of them just want something to brag to their boys (or their girls) about. It’s a status symbol more than anything else with the majority of these characters.

Obviously, wrestlers need some help with these things. That’s where I come in. The goal here today is to form some relationships for these wrestlers that might actually last for awhile and benefit both parties. I’ve never been very good at the whole relationship thing myself, but I do have a bit of a knack for recognizing when other people can be compatible with each other. I believe that the potential relationships listed here would have positive effects on the wrestlers involved and help further their careers, compared with most wrestling relationships that just seem to hold the performers back for one reason or another.

(Big ups to Justin & the Voodoo Penguin, who gave me this idea on Facebook.)

(Oh, and these are all storyline romances. I’m not dealing with what goes on behind the scenes, so don’t comment on this article informing me that Natalya’s dating Tyson Kidd or whatever. We’re talking about their characters here.)

Yoshi Tatsu/Natalya

Natalya needs a self-esteem boost more than just about anybody in wrestling right now. Her Divas of Doom run has pretty much come to a screeching halt, as Beth Phoenix cast her aside after way too many losses. I think her recent flatulence problem is a direct result of this, as she totally lacks self-confidence and can’t control her emotions or bladder. She needs somebody that can build her up and make her realize that she has a lot to offer the WWE Universe…there aren’t many wrestlers on SmackDown that seem capable of that, but there’s one that’s always on NXT that I think can do the job.

Several months ago, Yoshi Tatsu sought the affections on Maryse. He tried to win her over by being her friend, being nice to her, and all that stuff that your typical stuck-up heel Divas can’t stand. He had no chance with Maryse, as she didn’t care whether a guy was nice to her or not as long as he bought her expensive stuff. She didn’t need anybody to tell her how great she was, she already knew. Natalya needs somebody new in her life that can build her up, help her realize how good she is and help her overcome her current issues, and I can’t think of anybody in WWE more suited for the job than Yoshi. Assuming he’s worked on his English a bit since I stopped watching NXT.

James Storm/Mickie James

A more natural pairing might be Storm with ODB, but I like keeping her with Eric Young…that relationship likely won’t work out long term, but it’s not hurting either of them and it’s kind of funny. Besides, alcoholics can’t function with each other as anything more than drinking buddies.

Learned that one from experience.

James & Mickie have a lot in common. One is a Cowboy, the other one calls herself “Hardcore Country” and sings country music. They’re both pretty much at the same level in TNA, which is very important in wrestling. You generally can’t have one of your top woman performers dating an opening match guy, as somebody backstage is going to get jealous and complain that the guy doesn‘t deserve her because of how he‘s booked. Hey, I don’t make the rules, that’s just how these things work. James is a top challenger for the World title while Mickie is a top contender for the Knockouts title. Mickie’s been a star in WWE while James is becoming one of TNA’s brightest stars. Also, you could call them James Squared, which is a fun couple name.

UltraMantis Black/Buggy

The Great & Devious UltraMantis Black is known as a leader of men. He’s led the Order of the Neo-Solar Temple and the Spectral Envoy during his time in CHIKARA. He led the CHIKARA Originals against the BDK and now he’s leading a CHIKARA force against Ring of Honor. You’d think with his charisma and his ability to control people he’d have had better luck with the ladies, but I believe the traditional mating habits of preying mantises have dissuaded UltraMantis from seeking love. Even the most afflicted sex addict would have a tough time seeking it out if it resulted in their getting eaten.

I think Mantis’s solution should be to seek out somebody that has insect-like tendencies while not having the traditional mating habits of the preying mantis. Since Buggy is the only female insect currently in wrestling to the best of my knowledge, I think she’d be a good mate for UltraMantis. They share a love of heavy metal, Mantis has some of the more interesting tattoos in wrestling while Buggy likes to draw them on herself, and they both have an interesting sense of humor. Working with a female would add more depth ro UltraMantis’s character, and Buggy would get the opportunity to perform in one of America’s bigger indy feds.

Wade Barrett/Layla

Wade is a classy, well-spoken gentleman that obviously knows the proper way to treat a lady. I mean, you’ve seen that coat he wears to the stage and the way he dresses when not competing. The guy’s got panache like a prom date. (Right Jis?) He’d benefit from having a classy lady by his side that would further accentuate his swag. I think Layla just might be the girl for the job. She functions best in groups & she previously had a relationship with William Regal, another classy Brit. I think it ultimately didn’t work out because of the age difference, and Wade being twelve years younger than William will keep that from being a problem. Layla seems like the type that needs a younger man to satisfy her needs.

OK, I’ve lost most of you by talking about Layla needing to be satisfied. It’s a good thing we only have one prospective couple left.

Daniel Bryan/Taeler Hendrix

Everybody wanted Daniel Bryan to hook up with AJ the moment she popped up on NXT. Unfortunately, the relationship isn’t working for a variety of reasons. Bryan’s damaged goods due to his previous relationships with WWE Divas. It sounds like a dream to have the Bella Twins fighting over you, but he knew that they were only doing it to compete with each other. They had no feelings for him. He sought comfort in the arms of Gail Kim, but then she broke up with him on Twitter! She couldn’t even be bothered to send him an e-mail, it was one 140-characters-or-less Tweet that everybody could read. That’s embarrassing. It’s no wonder that Bryan now seeks a subservient woman that will do everything for him and expect nothing in return. AJ’s suffering in this relationship, and getting her out of it now before Big Show runs her over again is probably for the best.

I don’t mind Bryan’s overconfidence too much, but he’d be better off with somebody that could stand up for themselves while building her man up at the same time. Honestly, there aren’t many WWE Divas that fit the bill, so I looked to the indies and the name of Taeler Hendrix immediately popped up. She & Bryan have quite a bit in common, as they’re both billed from Washington State, did a lot of wrestling in the Northeastern United States, and are champions in their promotions right now. Bryan’s vegan lifestyle and general outlook on life would jibe well with Taeler’s positive approach. I’m fairly certain they’re both hippies or at least had that type of upbringing, so that’d help. The One Girl Revolution wouldn’t be the doormat that AJ is, but she’d still build up D-Bry’s confidence in himself.

Most importantly of all, this gives Taeler a way to get into WWE. If I’m going to have these types of powers, I’m going to use them to help my peeps. I’d help more of them if I could, but I don’t think I can sell Undertaker & Terra Calaway as a couple because they’re tall and share similar last names. Taker doesn’t need a woman, and Terra would have nothing to do the ten months of the year that he isn’t working.

I don’t know whether or not there will be a 411 on Wrestling this week. I do know there will be no Greg DeMarco Show, and there won’t be a Cook/Howell podcast either. I won’t be talking much this week.

Reid talks smack about New Jack. I for one am a huge fan of Mr. Jack and all of his contributions to professional wrestling.

(I value my life too much to risk pissing off New Jack)

Byers tells us why WWE should stay PG. Hey Ryan, you don’t need to convince me. Just 95% of the IWC.

Weyer talks about respect. Not something shown very often in pro wrestling, whether it’s from wrestlers to wrestlers, promoters to wrestlers, wrestlers to fans, fans to wrestlers, promoters to fans…yeah, I’m not sure anybody really respects anybody.

I kinda like reading The Rs now that I don’t have to do any of them.

Kirk talks about Wendi Richter, who I think would have made a good couple with Heath Slater. Get it, Wendi & Wendy? High concept humor here at the Corner, that’s for sure.

Kelly talks Divas!

Ari presents some year-end ROH awards!

Acero and the peeps talk about Impact! Well, kinda.

Frame ranks his ten current favorite wrestlers.

Dorlis brings back Hidden Highlights. JP & JT are a very tough act to follow, I hope this works out better than the time Csonka tried to have somebody else do Your News, My Views.

Well, that’s all we have time for this week! Join Nick Marsico tomorrow for the Wed Wi, and I’ll be back here next week with more News From Cook’s Corner! Until then…