Handicapping The News 03.09.12: Mark Henry’s Future, Hulk Hogan’s Sex Tape, More

Hi. I’m Gavin Napier. You may remember me from…well, this. Last week. Where I look at bits of news from through the week and try to be funny and informative about them. Last week was, admittedly, a bit of a rush job. My computer had crashed earlier in the week and I had to cover the entire week in one night. I’m hoping that by spreading things out over the course of the week and actually putting my thoughts down as things happen, things will be a little more entertaining for you guys. The response in the comment section was overwhelmingly positive, though…at least what wasn’t about Trish Stratus. Since the format seems to be a winner for now, there won’t be any major changes. That’s enough of me rambling about nothing..let’s start rambling about something!

Handicapping the News for the week of March 2 – March 8, 2012

3.02.12 – Jesse Sorenson Tweets his appreciation; apparently has regained use of thumb or thumbs

All joking aside, I’m glad to see any improvement for Jesse Sorenson as he recovers from this injury. I’ve had the chance to speak with Jesse briefly at a couple of independent bookings and he’s always been friendly and accessible for the fans. It really seemed that TNA was banking on Jesse to be their “homegrown” X Division talent in the mold of AJ and Daniels, and were slowly grooming him for that position. Those plans, to say the least, have obviously been derailed. He seems motivated, though, and looks to be set on making a comeback. Where will he go from here?

In a TNA ring within a year: 8 to 1 I have a hunch that being young and in pretty remarkable shape is going to help speed up Jesse Sorenson’s recovery. Now that I’ve sounded a little homoerotic, let me say that I hope Sorenson takes his time and comes back when he’s ready. Kurt Angle reportedly visited Jesse and seems to think that he’ll only need about 4 months to recover from this. I’m hoping that Jesse sides with the doctors and medical professionals and not the guy that’s had multiple issues with painkiller addictions.

Out of the business: 15 to 1 There’s a part of me that hopes this ends up being the right choice. Much like I have my doubts about Peyton Manning continuing to play football after a fourth neck surgery and an anterior fusion of cervical vertebrae, I have some hesitations about Sorenson rejoining the world of wrestling in general and the X Division specifically. More than the physical therapy that Sorenson recieves, it’s going to take a long time to get past the psychological trauma of having his neck broken if in fact that ever happens. As a wrestler, once you start guarding body parts that have been previously injured, the quality of your ringwork doesn’t have a choice but to go down. Wrestling is an infectious business, and once you’re in you’re pretty much in for life. For the sake of his long term health, though, I’d like to see Sorenson take the safe way out.

To Buff Bagwell for career advice: 100 to 1 We’ve already heard from Jesse’s mom on Impact. Maybe the odds should be lowered here.

3.02.12 – Mark Henry may be leaving WWE soon; Bobby Roode quoted as saying “Dammit.”

Mark Henry’s time in WWE may be coming to an end soon for a variety of reasons. Age probably isn’t the least among them, but there’s also a bit of friction between he and the office lately for his unwillingness and/or inability to work thorugh injuries. Because, you know, Randy Orton hasn’t missed much time in his career with injuries or anything. To be fair, there’s been no talk of Mark Henry joining TNA, but he does seem to have some realistic interest in acting. Where’s Henry going?

Home: 7 to 3 I hope Mark Henry hasn’t wasted all of the money from his massive contract with WWE that they desperately tried to get him to quit on. If he has, shame on him. If he hasn’t, I can very easily see him heading home and staying out of the spotlight save for the occasional convention appearances. At this point, there’s no real reward for him to hang around the wrestling industry unless he unexpectedly becomes a road agent. For all of the big guy’s faults in the ring and goofy gimmicks, he’s earned a break.

To TNA: 10 to 1 There doesn’t seem to be a spot on TNA’s roster for Henry at this point. They’re trending younger as a whole, and importing a former WWE champ that’s over 40 with a very limited skill set doesn’t seem like it would fit in with what they’re doing. That said, if there were ever a business that was known for trying to cram a square peg into a round hole, it’s professional wrestling. It’s not impossible to see Mark Henry in TNA, I just think it’s highly unlikely.

To Hollywood: 5 to 1 If nothing else, he HAS to be in a Predator movie.

3.03.12 – Johnny Gargano returns to the ring; doesn’t cripple himself

I wonder if Gargano has had any contact with Sorenson to offer some encouragement? Whether he has or hasn’t, Gargano is a lucky guy himself. After suffering what was thought to be a very serious injury in mid-January, Gargano made his return this past weekend, winning a gauntlet match in AIW. Gargano is one of those rare talents on the indy circuit that has a legitimate chance to make the jump to the big time should he so desire. Where will the comeback lead?

To a contract with TNA or WWE: 12-1 Gargano is one of those rare indy talents that has the right look for the big time. He’s got charisma, he can go in the ring, and at some point, this guy is at least going to get another solid look from either group. Whether it’s in the X Division or on that all cruiserweight show on the mythical WWE Network that nobody wants to be involved with, it’s more a matter of when than if.

To an increase in indy performances: 3 to 1 Life as an indy wrestler doesn’t really allow for time off, especially when you’ve just incurred some serious medical bills. Even the most successful of indy talents usually keep a “real” job on the side to take care of bills and living expenses. Being an indy talent, even a guy working for a “major” indy, is usually a means to an end such as scoring a job with WWE or TNA or making extra money doing something they enjoy. If he’s legitimately recovered, look for Mr. Gargano to start making more appearances than normal in an attempt to balance out the financial burden he just picked up.

To an endorsement deal for orthopedic shoes: 250 to 1 For those uninformed, Gargano’s doctor advised him against being a professional wrestler because one of his legs is shorter than the other. Somewhere, Greg Oden is nodding solemnly while the Portland Trailblazers fanbase remains on suicide watch.

3.04.12 – CM Punk also uses Twitter; is less cordial than Jesse Sorenson

CM Punk certainly seems to have a knack for pissing off people on Twitter. First it was Chris Brown. I don’t think anybody minds if Chris Brown is annoyed by something or if Chris Brown being pissed off ends up in him taking an epic ass beating. Now it’s round 2 wish Shawn Merriman. Punk originally ripped on Merriman when WWE was in Costa Rica and he (Merriman) got shot down by one of the Divas. Now Merriman is apparently coming to the defense of his friend Chris Brown, and let a stream of barely coherent Tweets fly at Punk. What’s the next logical step here?

Absolutely Nothing: 3 to 2 The more this happens, the more I feel like CM Punk is using Twitter as a way to get tiny amounts of media attention. It’s going to be a long shot that Punk ever achieves the crossover success that Austin and The Rock managed, but there’s no such thing as bad publicity. If you think, however, that Chris Brown is ever going to fight CM Punk, you’re insane. You’re just as insane if you think Punk is going to have anything to do with Merriman.

Punk moves on to offending other ethnicities: EVEN For whatever reason, Punk seems to have a knack for getting under the skin of African American celebrities. I’m not sure what it is about our skinny fat, greasy haired, Pepsi tattoo having champion that causes friction with the urban demographic, but he’s 2 for 2 so far. Maybe he can go after Larry the Cable Guy next for a change of pace.
Merriman recreates Lawrence Taylor’s Wrestlemania appearance: 1,000 to 1 Merriman’s not even a blip on the radar. He’s best known for being injured and taking steroids. I’m an avid football fan and this is the most I’ve heard about him in a couple of years.

3.05.12 – JJ Dillon says Vince hates other people’s ideas; sun predicted to rise in the east tomorrow

If I’m being honest, I’m only including this news item because it verifies what I’ve been saying for years. If you look at the track record of established stars that jumped over to WWF/E, a great deal of them either got squashed or stuck with gimmicks so contrary to what people were used to from them that they never lived up to expectations. Occasionally the gimmicks are upgrades, like Mr. Perfect or Goldust, other times they’re just caricatures of what made guys popular to begin with. Looking at you, Polka Dot Dusty, Widowmaker Windham, and wWe nWo. Why is that?

Vince resents everybody that isn’t him in the wrestling industry: 5 to 3 I’ve long held the opinion, formed from watching a ton of shoot interviews and other news items, that there’s a huge difference in Vincent K. McMahon the person and Vince McMahon the businessman. Vince the person seems to genuinely care about people, wants to help and take care of those that work for him within reason and occasionally beyond what anyone should expect him to do. Vince the businessman seems like a ruthless dick. It’s probably what’s made him a successful businessman. Knowing that somebody had the audacity to get over without his help and that he has the power to undermine that and turn them into a creation of his own liking, much like Dr. Frankenstein, may be just a little too much for him to resist.

Vince honestly thinks he’s improving the talent by recreating them: 20 to 1 Vince is too smart to be that dumb. Pride is a powerful thing, and taking a guy like Dusty Rhodes, who built his persona in things like War Games, Bunkhouse Stampede, and bloody wars with the Four Horsemen and making him talk about poop while dressing in polka dots wasn’t about anything more than taking an opportunity to try and bury the guy that competed for and held some authority in the competition.

A series of mini strokes occasionally ruins Vince’s judgment, leading to these travesties: 100 to 1 It would help explain a lot of things…not the least of them being the Kiss My Ass club.

3.05.12 – “MVP” takes a shot at TNA; In other news, MVP challenges Shane Douglas and Sabu to “Bridge Burning Triple Threat”.

In a recent interview, MVP compared TNA to some car that I don’t know much about but is apparently much lower quality than things like Corvettes and Lamborghinis. I’ll be the first to admit that the former Antonio Banks is talented and can put on an entertaining match, but guys like him never learn. He’s not the first, and he won’t be the last to let a problem with authority and an inability to accept personal responsibility for not getting over as a huge star keep him from being able to earn a comfortable living as a professional wrestler in North America. So with WWE and TNA off the list, what’s left for MVP?

A triumphant return to WWE or TNA: 100 to 1 Never say never in professional wrestling, but this doesn’t seem entirely likely. For his part, MVP doesn’t seem like he’s really all that interested in showing up for either promotion. He bashes one promotion and asked out of another. He’s found a niche in Japan it seems, and isn’t doing a great deal in terms of public relations work to make sure there’s a position available for him in either of the big two. For a guy that used to be on “Vince’s TV” as it’s called, there’s decent money to be made on the indy circuit. If he’s in the United States, that’ll be his best bet.

A long career in Japan: 40 to 1 Long is a relative term. If we’re saying another 7-10 years over there, I can buy that. Anything beyond 10 years would probably be pushing it, I’d think. As mentioned, he seems to have found a spot that fits over there, and the match that I saw with Tanaka wasn’t bad at all. MVP was never a guy that I’d go out of my way to watch in the ring, but he certainly wasn’t bad. He definitely stands out in Japan and there’s always a demand for competent, relatively well known American workers across the Pacific.

Out of the business within 5 years: 10-1 Not just the favorite, but the favorite by a long shot. I don’t know what other employable skills MVP possesses but I can see him attempting to move into the world of hip hop or something similar. He never struck me as a guy that has a great passion for the business, it’s simply a job to him. I could be wrong, and whatever he does it hopefully won’t involve any of his pre-wrestling habits that landed him in jail. Whatever he does or doesn’t do, though, he doesn’t seem like a “long haul” type of guy to me.

3.07.12 – Hulk Hogan sex tape is shopped around; disturbance in the force reported, as if millions of childhoods suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

Dammit, internet. It’s okay to not see some people having sex. If I’m being honest, seeing Hogan in his underwear for most of his adult life is a lot closer than I want to come to seeing any grown man naked. Accepting the fact that those of us that watch professional wrestling are a little outside the area they call “normal” to begin with, I still don’t want to see any part of Hogan’s anatomy that isn’t readily visible by watching Wrestlemania III. What’s going to come of this?

Vivid releases the video, hundreds are struck blind: 7 to 1 Vivid has shown a willingness to market videos of just about anyone and anything having sex – which we’ll discuss shortly. I’m hoping at no point does this ever actually happen but humanity has eroded my faith to the point that I’ll be more surprised if it doesn’t happen. Maybe a better question is whether or not TNA will work it into an angle. With Russo being gone, I’d bet against that. Odds are better it gets released as a prequel to Chyna’s wrestling parody porn and sends any who view the Lovecraftian horrors into complete insanity.

The video releases, and we realize we’ve misunderstood the whole “24 inch python” bit for decades: 80 to 1 Who knows? I mean, Ron Jeremy looks like the least likely guy to be packing heat and…I’m going to be sick. I’m sorry.

The return of Hulk Hogan’s Pastamania…for adults only: 250 to 1 Is it bad that this is the best case scenario?

3.08.12 Jake Roberts wants to open a wrestling school; reportedly curriculum consists of 12 steps

Don’t get me wrong, Jake is one of the all time greats when it comes to ring psychology and cutting promos. In his lucid moments, Jake is unquestionably one of the great in ring storytellers of all time. He’s shown an ability to get faces over by working heel. He’s shown an ability to get heels over when working as a babyface. He’s shown an ability to be creepy, to be funny, to be cool. There’s not a lot that Jake couldn’t teach young prospects if he’s clean and sober. How will Snake University turn out?

Gets off the ground and produces a crop of legitimately talented young wrestlers: Like a billion to 1 To say I don’t have a ton of faith in Jake at this point would be understating things a great deal. It’s been a very, very long time since he’s shown an ability to stay clean. He hasn’t been in the news for showing up wasted at shows or getting arrested for a while, though, so maybe he’s turned a corner. Any time a known addict announces a plan that also happens to be a money making venture, though, everyone involved or potentially involved should be very, very cautious. Ironic that this guy’s most popular catchphrase was “Trust me.”

Never opens its doors: 3 to 1 Jake has had a lot of plans through the years. Not a lot of them have worked out. For this school to open up, Jake is going to need a pretty considerable amount of financial and temporal investment. The time and money needed to get a suitable facility, a suitable ring, bring in athletes to train, advertise the school, and maintain the facility will be considerable. For a guy that’s struggled so much with the day to day part of life through the years, odds are against Jake pulling this one off, I’m afraid.

Successfully trains one student – Cody Hall: 250 to 1 It just….it just fits.

My (probably) Unpopular Opinion

One of the perks of having your own column on a site like 411 is that it affords the opportunity to spout off about things. I figure if I’m going to do this, I may as well reserve a paragraph or two to tell you what really grinds my gears. For what it’s worth, I’m not entirely above trolling people on here. I may do so at some point, but so far, all of the opinions I’ve attached my name to on this website have been legitimate, and not just an attempt to incite the masses. I still believe the Montreal Screwjob was a work. I put the Undertaker on my list of 5 Worst Wrestlemania Competitors on purpose. And I believe there’s a double…or triple standard in wrestling.

It’s easy to pick on TNA. They’re the underdogs. They have old guys on the roster like Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, and Sting. Not long ago, they were featuring guys like Booker T and Mick Foley in the ring on a regular basis. They’ve got Sting competing in a pay per view main event this month. Younger guys like AJ Styles, Austin Aries, Samoa Joe, Bobby Roode, and James Storm were being held back and ignored in favor of “old” guys and guys that jumped over from WWE, despite the lack of success on the roster by guys like The Pope D’angelo Dinero, Mr. Anderson, Rob Van Dam, and Matt Hardy.

Meanwhile, in WWE, you had Jerry Lawler, Booker T, and Michael Cole – that’s the announce team – competing in the Royal Rumble. I think it’s safe to say that if we saw Taz, Mike Tenay, and Jeremy Borash involved in a King of the Mountain match in TNA, even as a comedy spot, the IWC would go nuclear. You’ve got a trio of older workers involved in one of the marquee matchups at Wrestlemania in Triple H, Undertaker, and Shawn Michaels. A guy north of 40 just main evented the Elimination Chamber pay per view. We’ve seen Kevin Nash on WWE ppv within the last six months. In fact, if you look at active roster members for both promotions, the number of “old guys” definitely skews towards one promotion. Using 40 as the cutoff, we get the following totals:

TNA – Bully Ray (40), Christopher Daniels (40), Kurt Angle (43), Kid Kash (42), Sting (52). That’s it for active in-ring competitors. Hogan, Flair, Jarrett, RVD, and Steiner haven’t been on television in an extended period of time. Watch an episode of Impact, and you can count on seeing 5 guys that are 40 or older in the ring.

WWE – Chris Jericho (41), Kane (44), R-Truth (40), Big Show (40), Booker T (47), Mark Henry (40), Undertaker (46), Triple H (42). That’s 8 guys that have been regularly featured on the Road to Wrestlemania or in major angles in the last 6 months that are 40 and up. The Rock will cross that 40 year old barrier in just a few weeks, and we also had Mick Foley and Jerry Lawler on pay per view in January, and I didn’t even include Kevin Nash since he hasn’t been around for months, or Michael Cole since he’s not a wrestler.

Now, let me be clear – I don’t have any opposition to WWE using these guys. They all either serve a purpose, can still turn in quality matches, are entertaining in comedy spots, or are Kane. However, Bully Ray has arguably been the most improved worker in the business in the last year, which is remarkable at this stage of his career. Christopher Daniels is usually still included in TNA’s group of “youngsters”, Sting only wrestles occasionally, Kurt Angle is still capable of 5 star classics, and Kid Kash has been used to put over young X Division talent, which is an appropriate role for him. Personally, I don’t care if you like TNA or don’t like TNA, you’re free to choose what you watch. You’ll look less stupid, though, if you don’t criticize TNA for something that WWE is guilty of, and on a larger scale.

It’s not just a TNA/WWE double standard, though. There’s also this little promotion called Ring of Honor.

Imagine for a moment that WWE held Wrestlemania and didn’t include a World Heavyweight Championship or a WWE Championship match. Or that they had an Intercontinental title match on the same show that went to a time limit draw. Then, for the icing on the cake, they finished off the show with a promo by Chris Jericho directed at CM Punk.

Imagine that TNA held Bound for Glory and the main event was Bobby Roode and Kurt Angle vs. James Storm and Jeff Hardy. Let’s say they had Austin Aries defend the X Division title in an Ultimate X Match and found a way for it to end without a winner. To close the show, Abyss cuts a promo on Bobby Roode after the main event tag match.

In either situation, the show would be ripped to shreds, regardless of the quality of wrestling that took place on either show.

Ring of Honor had their 10th anniversary show on “pay per view”, and I use that term loosely, and while it featured some good action in the ring, they committed the same sins I described above. Their television title match went to a draw. They couldn’t bother to have a RoH title match on their 10th anniversary show. The show ended with a Steen promo. The result? The show has widely been called a “must see” on the internet. Why? What’s the difference in Ring of Honor doing this and TNA or WWE doing this? Simple.

It’s Ring of Honor and it’s the internet. Despite the fact that Ring of Honor is essentially the same promotion it was 10 years ago and hasn’t shown any of the growth that TNA has over almost the exact same time frame, Ring of Honor is beloved on the internet while TNA is derided. Despite running a very “sports entertainment” angle with Kevin Steen over the last year, WWE is lambasted by WWE fans for their “sports entertainment” mentality. Despite the fact that their roster has guys that TNA released – Jay Lethal, the Young Bucks – and that talent has steadily gravitated from Ring of Honor towards TNA through the years, Ring of Honor doesn’t catch the same hell that TNA does for accepting “WWE Rejects”.

Here’s the point. I don’t care who you like, what you like, what you watch. I’ve been watching wrestling for a long, long time, and I’ve enjoyed a lot of it. Hell, I even liked Global. I like wrestling. I don’t care much for double standards, and the IWC is full of them.

That wraps up this week’s column. If you so desire, you can return fire with opinions of your own on Twitter @GavinNapier 411. Odds are I’ll be back next week.