Handicapping The News 03.25.12

Hello again. It’s me, the guy you all hated last week after two solid weeks of positivity. I’m more comfortable with the influx of negative comments, because really…this is the Internet. Positivity and optimism have no place here. I will ask, though, that if you’re going to abjectly despise the column, have the common courtesy to tell me what to do to improve it. Else, I’ll just keep taking pokes at the IWC that can’t figure out that wrestling is a work and still think that Cena and Rock have “legit heat” and stuff. Seriously folks…do you think that Dusty Rhodes and Arn Anderson hate each other, too?

Handicapping the News for the week of March 16th through March 22nd, 2012

03.16.12 – Bret Hart says he hated his WWE Hall of Fame Induction Speech; blames everyone in the world for everything that ever happened

Truth be told, I’m not surprised. After all, I’ve hated listening Bret Hart use a microphone for a long time now. It only makes sense that his opinion would catch up to mine eventually. Years of wooden, rambling promos with words like “sore-y” and “aboot” could only lead up to an induction speech that rambles a bit and contains many of the same mispronunciations. Geez, Bret. We speak American here, not Canadian. Get it, eh? Odds on the response?

Hart inducts Yokozuna, still sucks on the mic: 7 to 1
I’m not sure if they’ll go with Hart, who was Yokozuna’s defining feud, or if they’ll find someone connected to the Samoan “family” that has produced so many greats. If they do go with Hart, look for him to once again live up to expectations of mediocrity behind the microphone.

Canadians determine Hart’s speech to be the greatest ever, use it as the standard for all public speeches ever given to be judged by: 3 to 2
Canadians love Bret. He’s like the Canadian Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Only idolized.

Hart inducts Yokozuna, Vince McMahon figures out a way to rehash the Montreal angle: 10 to 1
Odds would be higher, but reportedly Vince isn’t as “hands on” anymore.

03.16.12 Jim Neidhart arrested; % the awesomeness of the mugshot would increase if he grabbed his goatee: 71.1

03.16.12 RoH 10th anniversary show numbers released; rumors of tripling attendance figures by partnering with WNBA run rampant

So, Ring of Honor sold 1,300 tickets for a poorly booked 10th Anniversary show, and sold another 2,000 “pay per views” on the internet. If they’re disappointed with this number, they only have themselves to blame. Running a 10th anniversary show that lacks a heavyweight championship match and ends in a promo is a terrible idea, regardless of the promotion. In their defense, 1,300 is a lot of people to cram into a school gymnasium for a really important show. No word on whether or not they’re available for proms and homecoming. Crystal ball, what’s next?

Everybody makes fun of Ring of Honor: 1,000 to 1
Seriously, Ring of Honor could run a show main evented by a tricycle vs. Sir Mo from Men On A Mission and the net crowd would give it 4 stars and declare it “must see”. There will be no mockery of these numbers outside of a few fans who are clearly “TNA marks” that are jealous of Ring of Honor’s raging success.

Ring of Honor is dying: 5,000 to 1
Contrary to the impression you may have gotten to this point, I don’t hate Ring of Honor. It’s really quite good. What I hate are the over reactionary marks that take numbers like this with no sense of what else is happening with the company’s business. You know who you are. The ones that proclaim TNA is dying despite their television presence in multiple countries and operating in the black for years at a time. I’m sure that Ring of Honor would love to sell more tickets and iPPV’s, but their business model suits them and they’ll continue to be successful under it.

Nothing changes: EVEN
Other than some bad choices in organizing the card, Ring of Honor did nothing wrong here, and has no reason to change anything from a business standpoint. I look forward to seeing similar attendance numbers for their 11th, 12th, and subsequent anniversaries. As long as they’re making a profit and developing talent to make up for what they lose to TNA and WWE, they’re on solid ground.

03.19.12 Kevin Nash doesn’t rule out TNA return; % chance you’ll ever see a better wrestling politician than Nash: 0.0

03.17.12 Matt Bloom signs with WWE; hundreds of fans heard to say “Who?”

Matt Bloom aka Giant Bernard aka Albert aka A-Train has rejoined the ranks of WWE. I’m surprised that this hadn’t happened before now, because Bloom has improved greatly since his days in WWE 8 years ago. It appears that WWE is going to play into the fact that Bloom has been in Japan, as they’ve labeled him “Lord Tensai” and given him some teaser trailers. Hopefully he makes it to the screen faster than Brodus Clay did. What does Bloom’s re-debut hold in store?

TNA is ridiculed for having too many old guys: EVEN
I know, Bloom was hired by WWE. And even though he’s turning 40 this year, somehow this will mean that TNA has too many old guys on their roster. Does it make sense? No. Welcome to the internet.

Bloom makes a significant long term impact in WWE: 12 to 1
It’s possible that Bloom’s character takes off as more than a lacky for John Lauranitis, but I’ll be surprised if it goes much beyond that. As I said, Bloom has improved greatly since he was last a part of the North American scene and deserves a chance to win people over. At 6’6″ and 340 lbs, he’ll make a believable threat to..well..anybody on the roster. An eventual return to Hip Hop Hippo status and feud with the Funkasaurus is a necessity, though.

Bloom appears at Wrestlemania and immediately after before fading out within a year: 7 to 1
I hope not, because I’m curious to see how he’ll interact with guys on the roster, like “Mr. Glass” Randy Orton, SuperCena, and the smaller guys at the top of the card like Punk and Bryan. All provide interesting potential dynamics.

03.19.12 MCMG’s returning to TNA; % chance Chris Sabin still kinda looks like Breckin Meyer: 106.3

03.19.12 TNA loses national DVD distribution; amazingly TNA still in business as of 03.22.12

The Navarre Corporation has gotten out of the DVD distribution business. I can’t say I blame them, it’s getting more and more difficult to actually sell DVD’s when things like Netflix, Hulu Plus, and something called torrents that I’ve never used and know nothing about keep increasing in popularity. Not surprisingly, reaction ranged from “First nail in the coffin” to “LOL” to “TNA is worse than Hitler’s death camps and if you like them you’re gay and dumb and dumb and gay”. So what happens now that you can’t find TNA DVD’s in stores?

TNA folds before the end of 2012: 1,000 to 1
Here’s the thing. Losing a DVD distribution deal isn’t that significant. There’s always going to be somebody willing to ship these things out and put them on shelves. Look at some of the stuff that’s on the shelf in the DVD section at Wal-Mart or FYE and you’ll know that TNA will have no trouble finding somebody to step in for Navarre. More importantly, TNA is fine financially. They’re getting paid to run shows at the Impact Zone. They’re making money off of house shows, pay per views, and merchandise. They’re making money from Spike TV, with international television deals, and with Ring Ka King. Barring a disaster of epic proportions, TNA is going to be around for a while.

TNA finds another, better distributor: 5 to 3
If they really want one, they can find one. Honestly, I rarely saw TNA DVD’s in stores anyway, so Navarre wasn’t exactly doing a bang up job, now were they?

TNA just distributes videos through their own website: 10 to 1
This becomes more likely if they don’t find a distributor that can get them into Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and the like. If you can’t get into major retail stores…what’s the point?

03.20.12 No Way Out to be a “themed” PPV; % chance the theme is In Your House: 26.7

03.21.12 Kurt Angle goes insane on Twitter; Sky remains blue, grass green, sun hot

Oh, Kurt. There are people in this world that you can look into their eyes and just see the crazy trying to get out. Even when they’re calm and apparently rational, their eyes betray them. If you look real close at Kurt’s eyes…he’s one of those people. I have this image of Kurt being worked up into a near frenzy while typing this stuff up furiously, either on a laptop or his phone, yelling at the people tweeting back at him.

Kurt is sort of the dark side of Michael Jordan. See, Jordan was a sociopath. All he cared about was winning. And not just winning, but destroying the people that opposed him. It takes a unique mental makeup to want to compete in a professional basketball game while you’ve got the flu. Most people are content to just pray for death while what looks like Yoo-Hoo rockets out of both ends of their body. Jordan eviscerated the Jazz.

Kurt had a broken neck and kept wrestling. Not just wrestling, but winning at the Olympic level to the tune of a gold medal. Once he made the transition to professional wrestling, the mindset never changed. He was going to be the best in the world, no matter what. He would ruthlessly pursue that goal and he would find it, even if it cost him his physical and mental health. After a bizarre tirade towards Jim Ross, Chris Jericho, Steve Austin, and Shawn Michaels among others, Angle apologized and went back to be crazy alone and off of Twitter. What’s next?

Complete psychotic break within 10 years: 5 to 1
I really hope I’m wrong here, but I’ve got this image of Kurt Angle in a makeshift loincloth scaling the gutter of a building and taking down a riot squad like Dewey Cox in Walk Hard.

An eventual WWE return: 10 to 1
Because of that single mindedness that I mentioned above, I can see Kurt staying away just for spite. At some point, he should get a nod for the WWE Hall of Fame, but he may work himself into that Bruno Sammartino state where he refuses to have anything to do with it for no good reason.

Somebody hacks Angle’s Twitter account and changes the password: 100 to 1
I hope not. This is too much fun to watch.

03.21.12 WWE turns Daniel Bryan/Brie Bella relationship into angle; % chance relationship now has to succed: 3.4

03.22.12 AJ Styles defends Vince Russo; still thinks he can improve mic skills

AJ Styles joined Christopher Daniels in saying that they felt that Vince Russo gets a bad rap on the internet. Whether you agree with him or not, he raises some valid points that everything you saw on TNA – good and bad – wasn’t a result of Vince Russo. Russo wasn’t the totality of the creative team, he just happened to be the most recognizable name there. It’s also worth noting that Vince Russo has always been a big supporter of AJ Styles. Am I stunned that a worker supports a guy that pushed him? Not exactly. But how does this change the perception of Vince Russo?

Russo continues to be blamed for TNA’s perceived lack of success: 10 to 1
Absurd as it may be, I keep seeing Russo’s name tossed around when current TNA booking decisions are discussed. Somehow, he’s apparently influencing what they do despite not working for them and being 2/3 of the way across the country.

Internet darlings turn Russo into an internet darling: ∞ to 1
Russo could cure cancer with peanut butter and the IWC would mock him. It’s much more likely that..

IWC turns on AJ and Daniels: 100 to 1
Careful, guys, lest ye be tainted by speaking well of VinnyRu.

03.22.12 Cena discusses why he has legit heat with Rock; % chance “smark” fans believe him: 98.8

03.20.12 FCW is shutting down; FCW isn’t shutting down

Once again, the beacon of journalistic integrity that is the IWC botched a huge story bigger than a Scott Steiner promo. Reports broke that WWE had ended its relationship with Bright House and was wishing FCW well in all of its future endeavors. It didn’t take long for, well, pretty much everyone to refute this, but certain well known internet “reporters” continued to assert that FCW was done. Never mind that Steve Keirn stated plainly that the doors were open and would remain open. Nevermind that Jim Ross stated that he enjoyed visiting FCW and looked forward to future visits. Nevermind that all scheduled FCW shows featuring WWE contracted talent rolled on as advertised. Nevermind that WWE flatly denied the rumors. A big part of the internet was convinced that FCW had gone the way of OVW, Vince Russo, and Randy Orton’s charisma – no longer associated with WWE in any way.

So the one of the internet’s premiere wrestling reporting sites took bad information and ran with it. So what? After all, isn’t this an industry built on misdirection? Were the offending parties just trying to work people and increase traffic to their site? Maybe, but doubtful. These are the same people that hate guys like Eric Bischoff for poking holes in their theories. They’ll tell you that anything you hear from WWE, TNA, or anywhere else within the industry is just smoke and mirrors and they’ve got the real story and they’re willing to tell you. Unfortunately, there’s little follow up or vetting of their own sources, and things like this happen. Rumors are published as fact based and probably causes a bit of worry for those that are affiliated with something like FCW and depend on it as a form of income and are banking on it as a part of both their immediate and long term future.

Maybe it seems a little bit hypocritical of me, as a fringe part of this great big machine called the IWC, to call out anybody else involved with it. I try to be careful, though. I try not to report something as fact unless I’m as sure as I can be about it. I make no claims to having any insider connections or access to information that others don’t have. I don’t pretend to know the business beyond having the common sense to know things like The Rock and John Cena don’t have any legit heat or that the Montreal Screwjob was a great angle. This industry has enough of an uphill battle in mainstream media as it is. The last thing we need as fans and participants in the wrestling industry is to have it undermined from within via tabloids. What’s the fallout from this?

Wrestling journalists become more responsible: 100 to 1
The odds of this happening are right up there with the Cash For Gold companies you see on television becoming legitimate long term investments. As broken as the model is, it persists because marks want to feel like they’re getting a scoop. They’re the pit bulls that won’t let go of something once it gets floated, even if it’s proven false. Cruise the boards and comment sections and you’ll see the conspiracy theories that FCW was being closed down and WWE only kept it open to spite the Internet crowd. Because that’s how business decisions are made.

Wrestling journalists maintain their same old habits: EVEN
The major sites and dirt sheets that have been around forever are going to keep doing what brought them to the dance. Who can blame them? These guys have made a living peddling headlines to the masses, and there’s no reason to stop now. If you want accountability instead of gossip from within the wrestling industry, then stop perpetuating the rumors and discuss facts instead. I know, that’s no fun.

I throw in a picture of a Knockout to spice things up: Pretty good.

That does it for me this week. I feel like the last news item was sufficient for an unpopular opinion piece this week. To paraphrase Tony Kornheiser, I’ll try to do better next time. Odds are I’ll be back next week.