Handicapping the News 04.13.12

Hey look, I’m back! I’m sure there were several of you that got your hopes up that this column was deader than a crowd during a Lord Tensai match, but I’m still here. Some personal issues drew me away from my computer last week, but there was just way too much going on for me not to take notes and come back with a double sized column this week. You know, double sized. Like your mothers. BURN.

Breaking news: The ticker is dead. I’m taking the advice of my wiser columnist friends here and doing away with the ticker. Please, try to control your emotions. You’re going to need it to launch hate filled diatribes at me after a few “I Told You So’s” this week, as well as roasting a few sacred cows of the wrestling world and being a generally cantankerous old man ranting about the pitiful state of wrestling in the year 2012.

Since it’s been practically ages since I was here last, I feel like a refresher course is necessary on what I’m going to do in the next few thousand words.

First, I’m going to pull some headlines from the last two weeks, and organize them into sections. Stay with me, this is where things start getting good. Then, I’m going to give a brief recap of what these news reports actually entailed. After that, I plan on giving “odds” on the aftermath of each happening, using my brilliant powers of deductive reasoning and preposterously large vocabulary. Finally, I’ll check back in a couple of days to see what delightful anecdotes and brilliant bits of comedy have been sprinkled amongst the vitriol in the comments section below.

Sound like fun? Of course it does. If it didn’t, you’d already be gone. Let’s get started!

Marty Gardner, better(?) known as Cham Pain amongst the wrestling community, has launched a line of MMA Clothing with the all-ages friendly name Brain Shaker. Because, hey, when you want to market something to the masses, the best way to get it out there is to attach a name to it that brings up images of epilepsy and Shaken Baby Syndrome. This guy was apparently the personal assistant to The Rock at one point, so he’s got that going for him, which is nice. Look, I’m typing this part of the column wearing UK basketball shorts and a t-shirt from the local Crossfit, so what the hell do I know about fashion? Maybe this guy’s stumbled on to a gold mine. What does the magic 8 ball that I don’t use have to say?

The line is overpriced and will make you look like a d-bag: Even odds
Just like Affliction and…whatever the hell else “mma fashion” consists of, people are going to be paying too much money to wear shirts that look like they were designed by the emo kid from 8th grade. Seriously, we get it. Skulls and angel wings and swirly stuff. Fantastic.

Brain Shaker expands past the four items currently offered: 10 to 1
Why not? I mean, surely they can make it to at least 6 items. That’s reasonable, right?

Cham Pain has designed a future fashion staple for wrestlers on par with Zubaz and fanny packs: 5,000 to 1
Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to be on par with fanny packs in the world of professional wrestling.

The one true example of the shining success of the Tough Enough gimmick that WWE ran with for a while, Maven Huffman was arrested for conning doctors into writing multiple scripts for pain pills, managing to rack up over 1,000 pain pills in a two week period. I don’t watch the Home Shopping Network, and so haven’t seen Maven lately. I have no way of telling you whether or not the pain pills had any adverse effect on his work performance. He’ll stand trial and faces up to five years in prison if convicted. Fear not, though, Maven is a celebrity. At least he used to be. Kind of. That means he’ll get away with going to rehab and promising not to do it again. What does the future hold for Maven and WWE going forward?

The bad publicity resurrects the Tough Enough program: 25 to 1
What was worse, Brawl for All or Tough Enough? Maven, Nidia, Jackie Gayda, Linda Miles, Matt Capotelli, Daniel Puder, Andy Leavine, and John Morrison. If you’re scoring at home, that’s one decent career, a bunch of washouts, and some brain cancer. This is as bad as the Madden Curse.

Maven gets out of rehab, returns to WWE, and claims to be Anthony Davis’ long lost brother, offering eyebrows as proof: 100 to 1
Yes, I know it’s a terrible “joke”. This is just me taking the opportunity to tell you that if you’re not a part of Big Blue Nation, you have terrible taste in college basketball teams.

Maven returns to WWE, ends Undertaker’s streak at Wrestlemania XXIX: 15 to 1
More likely than you think. Maven has, after all, eliminated Undertaker from a Royal Rumble and won the Hardcore Championship from him. At this point in both of their careers/lives, though, I’m not sure Maven could carry Undertaker to a watchable match.

Well I, for one, am stunned. The idea that a branch of the United States Military wouldn’t want a guy that went AWOL twice and served time in military prison before being dishonorably discharged portraying a Marine is just absolutely astounding. What problem could they possibly have with that, when people that receive dishonorable discharges usually are looked upon with such great respect and admiration? There’s no confirmation on whether or not Randy got so upset by this that he punched a wall, fracturing his hand in seven places and separating his shoulder. And concussing himself. And dislocating his pelvis. What now?

Brodus Clay takes over as The Marine: 75 to 1
I can see it. Turn the movie into a comedy, as The Marine finds himself comically overweight and has to work himself back into shape, Biggest Loser style, with workout montages set to some of the crappy music that WWE uses for PPV themes.

Orton receives a renewed push since he won’t need time off for filming: 10 to 1
Unfortunately, I fear the summer will bring with it a fresh onslaught of the Surgeon General’s recommended, explicitly non-addictive cure for insomnia – Randy Orton promos and matches.

The Marine 3 gets shelved: 15 to 1
I’m not sure who would fill in here legitimately, unless they can work Cena into the equation. Maybe they can talk that other guy that main evented Wrestlemania to work it into his schedule.

WWE continued the Twitter feud between Mick Foley and Dean Ambrose this week, having Ambrose sent home from WWE television tapings because Mick Foley was uncomfortable with him being there. I said a few weeks ago that as wrestling adjusted to the internet era, we’d see them begin working people through social media like Twitter. It’s one thing to mention a Tweet here or there on RAW in passing or to tell us what’s trending, even when it’s usually not really trending. This feud is being built entirely through Twitter and is being done to help sell the “legitimacy” of it, and to make it feel “more real”. Sorry folks, you can no longer believe everything you read on the internet. Where will this road lead?

Ambrose and Foley’s feud reaches Raw or Smackdown: 30 to 1
Having a beef with Foley would be an interesting way to start things for Ambrose on main WWE programming. I don’t know that they’ll take that route, even though Foley certainly seems willing to get back in the ring and put Ambrose over with “one big bump” left in him.

Twitter feuds spilling over becomes the norm: 10 to 1
At some point, this horse will be beaten to death, then clubbed for a few more years. Don’t be surprised, though, if we see guys taking shots at each other online more often, then parlaying that into backstage segments or matches, which turn into feuds.

Ambrose will keep looking like Chris Sabin: 12 to 1
For his sake, I’m hoping his “weird, dirty hobo” look gets an update.

Word came out that Evan Bourne’s foot injury is significantly worse than originally thought, and it was originally thought to be pretty bad. His doctor, apparently totally unaware of just how available pain medication is, said that the injury was potentially career threatening. Bourne suffered a LisFranc fracture, which is a break and dislocation of one or more of the metatarsals. Treatment includes between 6 and 12 weeks of non-weight bearing status, meaning Bourne can’t let the foot touch the ground or plantar flex in any way. After weight bearing status is granted, there’s a long road ahead involving physical therapy and strengthening. All told, Bourne is probably looking at at least six months and no guarantee that he’ll get full use of his foot back afterwards. What does this mean for him?

Evan Bourne’s career is over: 100 to 1
Personally, I think Bourne comes back, and not because he’s too dumb to stay away. I work in a physical therapy office, and I’ve seen a lot of injuries come through in the last five years. The younger you are, and the better shape you’re in, the better the odds of recovery.

Bourne reinvents himself and his in ring style: 20 to 1
Ditch the high spots, focus on psychology, excel in a different way. It’ll be like Larry Johnson going from a dominant inside presence and dunk machine for the Hornets to a solid jump shooter for the Knicks after wrecking his back.

Bourne’s foot comes off in a match a few years from now: 500 to 1
Hopefully Col. DeBeers is on standby for a comeback in the near future.

Internet darling Colt Cabana defeated 411 favorite Adam Pearce to claim his second NWA World Heavyweight Championship a few days ago. Good for him. As you may have also heard, several top ranking officials have departed the NWA. That’s because the NWA is an unorganized mess that has yet to evolve in any way, shape, or form from the territorial system that existed in the 1970’s and 80’s. Cabana’s title reign is a reward for being CM Punk’s friend and being mentioned a couple of times on WWE Programming last summer, mistakenly leading NWA brass to believe that Cabana will make people care about the title. There are several talents within the NWA that are willing to travel the country at the drop of a hat to wrestle for any of the NWA affiliates, including guys that have had extended runs with the National and North American championships. Rather than reward workers that have been loyal to them for years now, though, the NWA would rather strap the belt to a guy that splits his time between wrestling and being a worse stand up comedian than Dane Cook. Oh, and if you think Dane Cook is funny, just drink bleach and save us all your respiration. That’s valuable air you’re sucking up. What does this mean for Colt, the NWA, and wrestling?

Cabana restores prestige and relevance to the NWA World Title: 2,000 to 1
In any era, Cabana is an enhancement talent for a major promotion, or a lovable loser like Brad Armstrong was for the NWA in the late 80’s.

A new NWA head with some common sense emerges: 500 to 1
There’s a fair bit of reorganization and jockeying for position going on in the NWA right now. Ultimately, until the governing body of the affiliates exercises a little tighter grip on the promotions, it’s not going to get any better.

Adam Pearce becomes a 5 time NWA World Champion: 10 to 1
The Scrap Daddy is smarter than the average bear when it comes to playing the game. If he wants the strap back, he’ll have it.

A 2 disc set featuring Nigel’s best matches from Ring of Honor is coming soon, but the big draw here will be the sit down interview that comes along with it. I was terribly disappointed that Nigel’s run in TNA didn’t last longer or go better. It started out well, as he immediately went into a program with Kurt Angle, but lost momentum quickly after that, and then his career was, well, over. The talk around the locker room and the internet has narrowed his retirement down to two possibilities – concussions that make it unsafe for Nigel to continue working, or a communicable disease that makes it unsafe to work with Nigel. Both theories have their supporters and valid reasons for being believable. Hopefully this set puts things to rest. What’s going to be on the DVD?

A metric assload of quality wrestling: EVEN
I’ve taken potshots at Ring of Honor in the past, but it’s all in good fun. I generally enjoy their product and sincerely wish them well. More good wrestling is better for everyone. Nigel knew how to work matches and had a string of great ones in Ring of Honor.

A highly entertaining “shoot” interview: EVEN
Nigel’s cockney accent and quick wit will make the interview more than watchable and should be engaging and informative about his brief career.

A straight answer on what put him out of wrestling: 1,000,000,000 to 1
He’s a wrestler. I likely wouldn’t believe what he said, even if he did give an answer.

One half of wrestling’s most dysfunctional couple (and that is one hell of an accomplishment) tweeted a picture of her ass for the wrestling world to view. Somewhere, I’m sure Matt Hardy was rubbing his hands together, figuring out how to tell the world that he’s videotaped Bigfoot and that it’s his ticket back to the big time because TNA and WWE missed the boat. He’s Matt Hardy and he won’t die…and neither will his Harley Quinn-esque girlfriend. They deserve each other. Where is fate leading these two crazy kids?

Back to the big time for Matt: 50 to 1
Matt was definitely the Janetty of the the Hardy Boyz, and it’s one thing to be a nut job with issues like Jeff, who is inherently marketable. It’s another thing to be a nutjob with issues like Matt, who just doesn’t click with fans. Tough luck.

Typical tragic wrestling ending: No odds
I try not to speculate on things like death. I sincerely hope Matt beats the odds and breaks the cycle, and that Reby stops enabling him. The wrestling industry says that’s unlikely but I hope they keep things on track.

More hilarious YouTube videos from these two: 15 to 1
If there’s one thing in wrestling worse than Randy Orton matches, it’s Matt Hardy videos. They’re going to come back eventually, you know.

Fresh on the heels of news that one of those girls that look alike is dating Daniel Bryan, we get word that the Bellas are going to be done with the company in a couple of weeks. I can’t help but think this increases the odds of the relationship with DB lasting a little longer, as wrestling “relationships” tend to go south in a hurry or become remarkably dysfunctional remarkably fast. Once they’re done with WWE, what will Brie and Nikki do?

Find Stacy Keibler-esque fame in the mainstream world: 50 to 1
Frankly, they’re not as hot as Keibler, and the twin gimmick won’t carry them as far as Keibler’s legs got her. I don’t see them heading down the red carpet at the Oscars any time soon.

Eventual Playboy shoot: 30 to 1
If they don’t cash in on mainstream celebrity, the twin gimmick will get them places with the world’s premier men’s magazine.

Back to the business in one form or another: 10 to 1
Hey, eventually Matt Hardy is going to need a replacement for Reby Sky. Why not up the ante with two chicks at once. Lawrence from Office Space approves.

The Monday following Wrestlemania, Brock Lesnar returned to WWE by hitting John Cena with an F-5. Immediately, the wrestling world was on fire. Everybody was excited about Brock’s big return, and everything just had a “big” feel to it. Straight from the UFC, Brock Lesnar was a badass that was going to fill the void left by Rock’s return to Hollywood. Not only is he a name recognizable to the mainstream that has a history with WWE, but there’s (surprise, surprise) supposedly legit heat with Cena in the past. I’ll wait here for a minute while you go back up and read the part about how the wrestling business is working you with the Internet. That said, I’m not sure why his return is such a big deal.

I know, I know, it’s Brock. He’s big and strong and good and blah blah blah. I don’t care. Why? Because he still can’t cut a promo, as evidenced by this past Monday Night. Brock, in his backstage promo, cut a promo that Owen Hart, Anatomy expert, would have been proud of. He explained to us how he knocked John Cena’s pretty little mouth on his face. That you did, Brock. That you did.

Beyond being unable to cut a promo, I have no idea whether Brock can still work a match or not. He can certainly throw John Cena in the air, but there’s a big difference in completing a spot and working a match. The last memory I have of Brock Lesnar in a wrestling ring is that debacle against Goldberg from Wrestlemania. For all the good that he did in the ring, he undid a lot of goodwill and left a lasting skidmark on his legacy. How bad was it? Bad enough that they put the World Title on Randy Orton years before he was ready just to get Brock’s name off the books as “youngest world champion ever”. Brock competed in Japan, but how many North American viewers saw those matches?

I’m also finding it hard to believe Brock as a badass these days. Why? Brock got tapped out by perpetually out of shape Frank Mir in his first UFC fight. He got all he could handle for two and a half rounds from Randy Couture, who was a decade or so older and about 50 pounds lighter than Brock. Brock won the fight on sheer size, not because he was an exceptional fighter. After beating two cardio machines in Frank Mir and Shane Carwin, Brock ran into Cain Velazquez, who beat Brock up. It wasn’t close, and many felt that the loss exposed Brock as an MMA fighter. That loss was followed by a similar loss to Alistair Overeem. After consecutive losses, Brock did what Brock does best – he quit. Also, penis sword tattoo.

He quit WWE, he quit the NFL, he quit MMA. Now he’s back and everybody’s excited. What’s it going to mean?

Brock makes it past next year’s Wrestlemania: 40 to 1
I’ll be stunned if Brock is still around for Summerslam 2013. Why? Because it would be out of character for him. For all of his physical gifts, Brock is mentally fragile. He doesn’t deal with adversity well, as evidenced by his bouts with diverticulitis – or belly aches. Before you accuse me of underestimating diverticulitis, I work in a setting where I see people frequently that have diverticulitis and it doesn’t affect their life on a day to day basis. They get it diagnosed, they get it fixed, they move on. Brock neglected his condition, allowed it to become more serious than it should have been, and used it as an excuse to not fight for a while. This guy has the attention span of a four year old hopped up on pixie sticks. Don’t get too attached to the guy, because he’ll be gone sooner than later.

WWE keeps trotting out part time stars: 5 to 1
It’s a troubling trend. So far in 2012, we’ve seen The Rock, Triple H, The Undertaker, Chris Jericho, and Brock Lesnar. Why? Because ratings keep slipping and Vince wants/needs a quick fix. The easiest way to do that is with nostalgia. It’s easier to bring back familiar names for occasional matches than it is to build new stars, because new stars take time and effort. I understand there’s a need for main eventers, but in the big picture, the time being taken by these part time guys in multiple segments could be used to elevate, develop, and establish new stars that will be there all the time.

A return for Batista: 12 to 1
Batista is significantly smaller than you remember. He’s also probably a lot healthier, as he just competed in a triathalon and did very respectably for himself. He’s also one of the few names “left” that can make a short term, part time return. I was always sort of indifferent to Batista, and my most vivid memory of him is when he and Edge cracked heads in a battle royal. However, Batista always got a good reaction and was developing a lot of ability on the microphone and as far as non-verbal storytelling goes before he left. I wouldn’t mind a return by Dave.

Oh, this is easy. Remember when everybody was convinced that TNA was going out of business? That they were doomed because workers were being paid late? Remember that? Huh? Do you?

04.05.12 TNA Signs New Deal With Spike TV; Apparently nobody informed Spike TV that TNA was going out of business.

Told you so.

That’s it for me. I’ll try to do better next time. You can message me on Twitter @GavinNapier411 if you want to tell me how much you love me or hate me, or just say hi. Odds are I’ll be back next week.