Handicapping the News 5.18.12

It’s Friday, and that means I get to occupy a few minutes of your day. I’m Gavin Napier, and hopefully I can be a reasonably effective distraction during the work day or while you sneak into the bathroom at work to get an extra ten minute break. Come on, don’t act like you haven’t done it. We’re a nation of slackers. (If you’re reading this outside of America, you can disregard that part, I guess.) Embrace it. Live it.

Lots of stuff to cover this week, so let’s jump right in to the reader spotlight. This week’s big winner is Tommy.

Have you ever served in any branch of the armed forces ? I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess no. Now in no way am I condoning committing yourself and then deserting, people who don’t go through it have no fucking clue the level of circumstances some have to deal with while serving. There’s many different things I could bring up but I’m sure you know most horror stories. Just saying, if the kid took of twice, had to have been for a reason. Either way.. doesn’t concern us and he doesn’t need to answer to you or I about it. Maybe his sergeant was touchin his booty hole. Who knows ? What I do know is he doesn’t deserve to have his character questioned about THAT part of his life by some punk wrestling fan with a keyboard.

Have I ever served in the military? No. I haven’t. There’s something about epilepsy that makes the military a little wary of giving you high powered weapons, or operating billion dollar machinery. The type of epilepsy that I have is called Juvenile Myclonic Epilepsy, and it’s triggered by a lack of sleep. If you can’t handle a lack of sleep for whatever reason, the military probably isn’t the place for you. The fact that I’m medically unable to serve doesn’t change the fact that I wanted to serve. I wanted to enter the United States Air Force before I was diagnosed because I wanted to follow in my father’s footsteps.

My father had polio, but he refused to accept a medical deferral so that he could serve. At the time he enlisted, he still had braces to correct gait abnormalities caused by the damage the polio did to his legs. With those braces on his legs, he went through basic training and served his country for years following before taking an honorable discharge.

My grandfather served in the United States Navy, specifically in the Pacific Theater during World War II. He was stationed on a battleship literally halfway around the world from his home, his family, and his friends. He did so voluntarily, and never asked to go home because he was homesick. He never tried to sneak off base or failed to return from shore leave in an attempt to get out of the responsibility that he volunteered for.

I had the privilege of personally knowing a World War II veteran that fought in the Battle of the Bulge. You may have heard of that. It was the largest battle of World War II. This man fought bravely in the harshest conditions imaginable. He didn’t turn his back and run when things were difficult or because he thought he might die or because the rations weren’t to his liking.

These men and thousands like them throughout history have served their country without trying to shrug off their responsibilities and looking for the easy way out. Because of the respect I have for these men and the men like them, I’m not going to have any sympathy for someone that tried to quit…twice. You’re not changing my mind on that with any half assed theories about “maybe he was touched by his CO.”

Indy worker Scot Summers has a pretty impressive resume. He’s faced, and gone over, a lot of the top names in the industry, including quite a few guys that are currently under contract and experiencing some level of professional success in WWE. Despite that fact, Summers’ name isn’t one that you hear a lot on the indy boards or in headlines or among the guys that WWE is looking at. I took the time to look him up after watching this video, and I’ll admit, the guy is pretty impressive. In the ring, he sort of presents as the evolution of Perry Saturn, with his stocky build and heavily tattooed skin. The guy can flat out wrestle, and can wrestle a variety of styles. In the video above, he alludes to a wrestling illuminati that’s pulling the strings of the industry and making sure only certain guys with certain connections break through the glass ceiling. I’m not sure if I buy into the idea that wrestling is so crooked that there would be an organized effort to keep a group of individuals outside the realm of success (/sarcasm), but who doesn’t love a good conspiracy theory? What does Summers’ video mean?

The wrestling illuminati is in fact real and Scot is one of their victims: 60 to 1
One thing I’ve learned after over a quarter century of watching the product, it’s to assume everything is a work. Even if there’s a grain of truth somewhere, it usually gets twisted and exaggerated beyond belief for the sake of an angle.

This is a brilliant viral self marketing ploy: 15 to 1
The style of the video is well done, Summers portrays an air of paranoia and mild panic effectively, the Brian Pillman clip at the beginning of the video helps, as does the wonky voice mail that he received. I’ve had several people ask me about this video over the last week, so he’s doing something right.

I had to fight the urge to make a lame X-Men joke: EVEN
C’mon. I’m a grown man that writes about professional wrestling and video games as a hobby. Like you didn’t suspect me of being a comic nerd, too.

Ring of Honor star Tomasso Ciampa tweeted this past week that he’s been diagnosed with diverticulitis. If you’ve read this column for any length of time, you’ll know that diverticulitis is far and away the favorite medical ailment of Handicapping the News. If only I could remember who we were talking about the last time it was brought up. Anyway, Ciampa seems to be in good spirits, considering the potentially fatal nature of diverticulitis. What does the future hold for Ciampa, given that he’s now dealing with such a devastating and crippling ailment that modern medicine can barely even slow down?

Continues to gorge himself on red meat and ignore all symptoms until emergency surgery is required to save his life: 50 to 1
It seems like Tomasso has a pretty good grip on the situation by acknowledging the problem and insinuating that there may be some sort of plan to deal with it going forward.

Sees a doctor, gets treatment, misses little to no ring time: 3 to 2
It’s not a sure thing, but I’m getting word that there have been some remarkable breakthroughs for the treatment of diverticulitis that include using heating pads and not eating a ton of red meat. More as the story develops.

Quits wrestling, goes to the NFL, gets cut, joins UFC, has immediate success, loses a couple of fights, quits, blames diverticulitis, returns to wrestling: 100 to 1
C’mon. Tomasso’s better than that. That would be blatant gimmick infringement.

Jerry Lawler started making a push for Andy Kaufman to be inducted into the “Celebrity Wing” of the WWE Hall of Fame this week, and rightfully so. Andy Kaufman was a catalyst for one of the greatest angles in wrestling history, and that’s without using the word “celebrity” as a qualifier. Andy Kaufman treated wrestling like performance art and treated it with a great deal of respect. It wasn’t just a vehicle for him to further his bizarre career, it was an opportunity for him to do something new as an artist. Jerry Lawler played his part to perfection, and it made people wonder for a long, long time just how much of it was real and how much was fake. It landed professional wrestling in the spotlight on David Letterman and had all of Hollywood buzzing about a wrestling match that was going to take place in Memphis, TN. The story took several twists and turns throughout 1982, and remains a high point in wrestling history. Will Andy Kaufman find his way into the Hall?

Yes: 5 to 3
It won’t hurt having Jerry lobbying for him, but now that the WWE Hall of Fame is opening up to people that weren’t strictly WWE performers (looking at you, Four Horsemen), Andy Kaufman absolutely deserves to be there.

No: 50 to 1
I just can’t see Vince McMahon keeping Andy Kaufman out. It’s long been established that Vince McMahon as a businessperson is a complete jerk. It’s also long been established that as a human being, he’s one of the most generous and giving people you’ll find. It may take a while to get there, but I can’t help but think that Andy Kaufman will be inducted.

Yes, inducted by Jerry Lawler, who would read from War and Peace: 100 to 1
It won’t happen that way, but it would be absolutely pitch perfect if it did.

No, really. This same thing came up about two and a half months ago. Here’s what I had to say about it then:

Mark Henry’s time in WWE may be coming to an end soon for a variety of reasons. Age probably isn’t the least among them, but there’s also a bit of friction between he and the office lately for his unwillingness and/or inability to work thorugh injuries. Because, you know, Randy Orton hasn’t missed much time in his career with injuries or anything. To be fair, there’s been no talk of Mark Henry joining TNA, but he does seem to have some realistic interest in acting. Where’s Henry going?

To Hollywood: 5 to 1 If nothing else, he HAS to be in a Predator movie.

I’d say that about sums it up…again.

It was a roller coaster of emotions this week in the wrestling world, as we were treated to the delightful news that both Tara and Brooke Tessmacher would be appearing in the latest issue of Penthouse. Unfortunately, the hopes and dreams of wrestling fans across the internet were quickly destroyed as it turned out that the pictures weren’t the type of pictures that Penthouse is most famous for, and instead the girls were simply being interviewed and the pictures contained were from wrestling events. I’m sure that there are corners of the internet, 411wrestling.com comment section included, that will be more than happy to tell you about the sharp elbows and copious amounts of makeup that prevent Tara and Brooke Tessmacher from being attractive. We have a word for people like that, but in the interest of good taste, I’m just going to move on to the potential futures of these young ladies.

A working relationship between TNA and Penthouse: 250 to 1
That ship has sailed, folks. At least for a while. When the WWE/Playboy era ended, and Traci Brooks got bumped out of the actual Playboy magazine in favor of the cyber club, it signaled the end. At some point, we may see such relationships again, but odds are it will be with Playboy…though admittedly, somehow TNA and Penthouse together just feels right.

Non accidental nudity from one, the other, or both: 10 to 1
Yes, I’m aware that Brooke “Tessmacher” Adams has been nude on camera already. Go ahead, Google it. I’ll wait. See? I told you. But that doesn’t mean there won’t be more, right? As for Tara, well, let’s just say odds would have been much lower than this if she weren’t involved here. I wouldn’t hold my breath in regards to Ms. Varon posing in the buff any time soon.

Male wrestling fans will continue to be disappointed by headlines involving Divas or Knockouts and the words Playboy or Penthouse: EVEN
I’m telling you, it’s gonna be a while.

Shawn Michaels stated this week that he chose to retire as opposed to working a part time schedule for WWE. Even in a simple statement such as this, the inherent arrogance of Shawn Michaels comes through. He said that WWE would have let him work “whatever schedule he wanted”. Now, I’m not knocking him for his arrogance, because he’s absolutely right. At this point in his career and life, he could have named his own terms. If he wanted to work between the Royal Rumble and Wrestlemania, take two months off, come back for Summerslam, take a few more months off and be back in time for the Rumble, I’m sure they would have let him.

Shawn raised some valid points about why it’s better to just go ahead and walk away, though. Any time there’s an injury to a top guy – be it Cena, Orton, Punk, Sheamus – he’s going to get a call wanting him to come back in and fill the gap, because he can. Any time there’s a departure for whatever reason – say Brock quits again for real, or Kane decides to retire, or Daniel Bryan gets Wellness’ed – he’s going to get a call wanting him to come back and fill the gap, because he can. Any time somebody on creative has an idea that needs Shawn Michaels to make it work, he’s going to get a call, because how may guys on the creative team do you think have played fantasy booker with angles featuring Shawn Michaels anyway?

Instead of dealing with the intermittent and persistent calls, Shawn chose to walk away. I’m sure having a wife and kids to go home to makes things easier to do that. If you follow HBK on Twitter, he comes across as a ridiculously normal guy that gets stuck running errands for his wife and enjoys playing with his kids just like any guy next door. One of the reasons that so many wrestlers have a hard time walking away from the sport is because they don’t know how to adjust to life away from the road, the ring, and their co-workers. Having a complete and happy family unit to help you readjust goes a long way.

There’s also not a lot left for Shawn to accomplish. He’s been WWF/E or World Heavyweight Champion multiple times. He’s had more Wrestlemania moments than a lot of guys on the current rosters have pay per view matches. He’s been involved in one of the three biggest stables of all time in DX, one of the three biggest angles of all time in the Montreal Screwjob, and has been in the ring with everyone from Hogan to Flair and Angle to Undertaker. He’s literally done it all. HBK is among the few to walk away entirely and be at peace with it. What will we see down the line from HBK and guys facing the same decision?

One more match from HBK: 35 to 1
Never say never, but I can’t imagine what would get Shawn Michaels to lace up the boots again. He’s had incredible matches with Bret Hart, Chris Jericho, Kurt Angle, John Cena, Triple H, Ric Flair, Steve Austin, The Undertaker, and one hilarious match with Hulk Hogan. The only thing that he’s never really done is have a classic with The Rock. Maybe these two will meet up at Wrestlemania XXX. Maybe. My gut tells me, though, that Shawn really is done.

More “retirement” matches: 10 to 1
Flair got one. HBK got one. Undertaker is going to get one. Edge got one…kinda. The older generation of wrestlers tended to fade away. You can still see it with Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan – they just don’t know how to walk away and stay gone. Several Legends still make regular appearances on WWE programming. It’s in their blood and it’s all they know. The current generation has learned to diversify their interests, and watched a lot of their colleagues and veteran influences in the sport die tragic deaths. There’s motivation there to not repeat the mistakes of the past, and so to walk away while they remain in reasonably good shape mentally and physically.

More “part time” wrestlers: EVEN
It’s already happening. WWE has plenty of them, and has had plenty of them for a while now. Brock Lesnar, The Rock, The Undertaker, and Triple H are all part time guys, and all have their parts on major pay per views through the year. TNA has Sting, with rare appearances in the ring by Ric Flair. The benefit goes both ways – wrestlers can prolong their careers by taking fewer dates and shorter contracts, and promotions can build to big names as special attractions to keep casual fan interest up.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to rip on Ring of Honor here. As a matter of fact, I applaud what they’ve done. Their iPPV business hasn’t gone very well the last few times out, and for a lot of promotions, that would be absolutely disastrous. Ring of Honor keeps right on persevering, though. Instead of abandoning the attempts, they keep tinkering with the format, they keep looking for ways to make it work, and they keep looking for ways to make it up to their fans.

Ring of Honor has, to this point, resisted the temptation to do too much too fast. It’s hard to look at a company that’s been around for ten years and think they could be moving too quickly, but the fact of the matter is that Ring of Honor isn’t ready for traditional pay per view in any form. ECW felt backed into a corner way back when, and felt like they had to jump to pay per view to compete with WCW and WWF, even though they weren’t financially stable enough to do so. They pushed ahead and made the transition, and it ultimately killed the company. It enhanced the cycle of expenditures that eventually bankrupted the company and closed the doors.

I may take potshots at Ring of Honor for the sake of spicing up this column from time to time, but I want them to succeed. I want all wrestling to succeed and improve. I like wrestling, and the more of it there is, the better. Ring of Honor isn’t to blame for the problems with iPPV. They are to be commended for showing patience and perseverance in dealing with it.

That’s it for me. I’ll try to do better next time. You can message me on Twitter @GavinNapier411 if you want to tell me how much you love me or hate me, or just say hi. Odds are I’ll be back next week.