The Wrestling News Experience: 05.21.12

Monday, May 21st, 2012

From 411Mania’s Canadian offices in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, this is The Wrestling News Experience, with Stephen Randle!

#sixseasonsandamovie

Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I am Stephen Randle, and you people are keeping me away from Diablo III. Nobody does that.

Okay, Punk vs Bryan did, too. And the last three episodes of Community, which reassured me that we can’t possibly be in the darkest timeline, because that show got at least three full seasons instead of not existing at all.

Anyway, let’s blow through this and get back to Diablo III. Deal?

Slimmer had the live coverage.

Kane defeated Zack Ryder (pinfall, chokeslam)

I believe it’s safe to say that there’s no point in “waiting to see how this plays out” anymore.

Christian won a “People Power” Battle Royal for his choice of a US or Intercontinental Title shot later in the evening

Kofi Kingston and R-Truth defeated Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger to retain the WWE Tag Team titles (Kingston pinned Ziggler, Trouble in Paradise)

Layla defeated Beth Phoenix to retain the WWE Divas titles (pinfall, neckbreaker)

Well, at least it wasn’t a roll-up.

Sheamus defeated Chris Jericho, Alberto Del Rio, and Randy Orton in a Fatal Four-Way Match to retain the World Heavyweight title (Sheamus pinned Jericho, White Noise)

Brodus Clay defeated The Miz (pinfall, Big Fat Splash)

Christian defeated Cody Rhodes to win the WWE Intercontinental title (pinfall, Killswitch)

Hey, a face turn…I guess. Somebody pointed out the other day that Smackdown is massively heel-heavy already, so this was actually probably the best career choice for Christian. I mean, aside from the whole “winning the IC title your first (technically second) match back” thing.

CM Punk defeated Daniel Bryan to retain the WWE Title (pinfall, reversal pin while trapped in Yes Lock)

I am shocked that Bryan didn’t get the belt here, but the fact that Punk tapped right after the pin suggests we’ll get more of this! Yes! Yes! Additional yeses!

Ryback defeated Camacho (pinfall, Muscle Buster)

Johnny Ace defeated John Cena (pinfall, Big Show KO Punch)

Hey, look, it’s a shocking swerve that everyone saw coming a week ago. And yet this is the booking they can’t change because we all figured it out ahead of time? It couldn’t have been one of a half dozen other booking decisions they changed that we actually wanted to see happen?

All right, I can understand Cena vs Rock and Cena vs Brock getting last match over the World and WWE Titles. But this? It was barely a match and more a meandering comedy segment headed for an ending a child could have predicted. Especially since Punk won, wouldn’t that be a better way to end the show?

Oh, and even better, now we get Cena vs The Big Show! Remember all the classic matches they had last time they feuded? No? Oh right, there weren’t any.

Last night, Johnny Ace managed to come out on the winning end against John Cena thanks to manipulation of The Big Show, and thus remains the GM of Raw and Smackdown. So our long national nightmare continues. One must imagine that things will look bleak for anyone on Raw who looks at Johnny crossways, so I’d imagine punishment will be in order for, at least, Cena, CM Punk, the tag team champions, Zack Ryder, Santino Marella, Teddy Long, and anyone else who comes to mind.

But it’s not so bad, because at least CM Punk still has the WWE Title, retaining against Daniel Bryan in a hard-fought match. Punk was slightly fortunate in victory, however, as he pinned Bryan while still trapped in the Yes Lock, and appeared to tap out milliseconds after the referee counted Bryan’s shoulders down for the three. Bryan appeared to dispute the referee’s decision last night, and one would imagine he may do so again tonight.

Meanwhile, Triple H is being sued by both Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman for his recent actions that were, to be fair, entirely his fault, but I doubt he’ll be generous about it. In fact, one would imagine that Triple H might have some more things to say about his potential litigants tonight.

Plus, Layla retained the Divas title against a game Beth Phoenix last night, and even used a finishing move to do so! Who will step up next to challenge the champion?

All this and more as we move on towards No Way Out, tonight on Raw!

Rock ‘Til You Drop. Unconscious. Several Times.

It’s not a pleasurable thing to be talking about people hitting rock bottom, but sometimes a story comes along that’s so crazy it must be discussed, and in the case of Chyna, it happens roughly every year or so. Yes, in a world where “getting into porn” is seen as getting your life back together again, can there really be any surprise when stories break that last week, Chyna was found passed out at a porn convention where she was supposed to be promoting Vivid’s upcoming Avengers XXX parody, in which she has a role. No, what’s probably surprising is the fact that it happened twice at the same convention. And she was thrown out of a party the day before the first incident. This is really, just too ridiculous for words, so I’m done with it. Let’s move on to other ridiculous things that I do have words for. Like, oh, I don’t know…

Sweet Jesus, A Story About A Penis

So a long time ago, WWE started a film division with the idea that they’d create low budget movies that would make a little extra scratch and give WWE Superstars some mainstream exposure outside of wrestling. Of course, we know by now that this endeavour has been a massive failure and now lurches on while running several million dollars in the red and yet somehow doesn’t get axed in favour of any number of new wacky schemes. Anyway, one of the first cinematic deathtraps out of the hopper was a vehicle for Kane entitled “See No Evil”. It seemed like a film that practically wrote itself: Kane terrorizes young twenty-somethings with standard “murderous unstoppable killer” clichés, the usual horror fans eat it up, it makes a couple million dollars over its tiny budget. Well, points for trying, but the real funny part is a story that came out this week that showed exactly why Vince McMahon is a crazy person who has no place in polite society. Apparently during the shooting of the movie, the director called somebody at WWE in a bit of distress over changes Vince wanted for the movie. Now, there were many, and I’m sure they all sucked, but the one making waves is the fact that Vince apparently wanted a scene in the movie where…and I can’t believe I have to type this…Kane pulls out a three-foot long penis and shows it off on-screen.

You know, I made jokes about WWE Films turning into a porn distributor in order to finally make some money for a change, but who knew that it may have been exactly what Vince was planning from the beginning. Seriously, no wonder the division makes crappy profitless movies. Also, if Vince thinks this is something that would fit into a movie, I have to ask, what kind of messed up stuff is he watching at nights in his home in Connecticut? We’re at Human Centipede levels of weirdness here, people.

Anyway, the next time we want to complain about the crap that gets put on Raw and Smackdown (and hey, with an extra hour for Raw starting in July, we’ll have plenty of opportunities, I’m sure), think about how much worse it could be. God help us if Vince ever discovers HBO.

1. Santino Marella It’s been a banner year for Santino, but I’d have to say the high point of 2012 involving him was when he met me, the greatest Monday wrestling news reporter on the entire Internet, at a Blue Jays game last Wednesday. Also, it was pretty cool for me. Plus the Jays won 8-1, and I like to think that was because of Santino being there.

2. CM Punk You win the Match of the Night, you get to be up top in the Power Rankings. We’ve talked about MOTYC’s involving other matches, but I’d say this is the first one that I can guarantee will be in discussion by the end of the year. The best part is, I’d imagine the rematch will be even better.

3. Christian Finally, the return, a battle royal victory, a possible face turn, and an Intercontinental title all in one night. Sure, I’ll miss “one more match” Christian, but face it, I was on his side the whole time anyway.

4. Daniel Bryan The fact that even Michael Cole dropped his shtick for this match and put over both Punk and Bryan for working their asses off to get to where they are could speak volumes about how things may play out for the rest of the year. I don’t think anyone can argue that 2012 has been the Year of Daniel Bryan, and there is still half a year to go.

5. Sheamus I did have a crazy moment during the Roundtable where I actually picked Jericho to win the title last night, but I don’t think anyone is surprised at Sheamus retaining. WWE isn’t going to give up on this title reign yet, although hopefully they’ve given up on Sheamus-Del Rio one-on-one instead of just delaying it.

6. The Big Show I don’t want this for Show, because I like lighthearted fun Show as opposed to gloomy angry heel Show, but I will say this: he’s better than Lord Tensai.

7. Truth/Kingston Getting the usual tag team push of beating the other teams in the division until they eventually lose the belts because it’s someone else’s turn. I suspect it’s going to be Primo and Epico again, otherwise what would be the whole point of AW?

8. NXT While the idea of taping four shows all at once might be a bad one, the FCW talent that is about to hit the semi-main stage is impressive, from Seth Rollins to Bray Wyatt and everyone in between.

9. Paul Heyman It’s no surprise that Heyman running his mouth is when he’s at his most entertaining. The problem has always been that he never shuts it when it would be a really good idea to do so. Also he can’t balance a budget.

10. Ryback Two PPV’s in a row his squash match makes it on to the card. There are big plans afoot, mark my words.

Inactive List as of 05.14.12

WWE Raw

– Evan Bourne, out indefinitely as of March 19th (foot)
– Kharma, out indefinitely as of January 2012 (personal)
– Rey Mysterio, out 60 days as of April 19th (Wellness)

WWE SmackDown

– Christian, day-to-day as of March 26th (not medically cleared for competition)
– Justin Gabriel, day-to-day as of April 2nd (forearm)
– Sin Cara, out 6-9 months as of November 20th (ruptured patella)
– Wade Barrett, out 3-4 months as of Februrary 20th (dislocated elbow)

TNA

– James Storm, out 3-4 weeks as of April 20th (R&R)
– Jesse Sorenson, out at least one year as of February 12th (spine)
– Ric Flair, out 4-6 months as of September 14th (tricep)

Transactions

– Big Show, RAW, “fired” from WWE on May 14th

– Big Show, RAW, presumably rehired on May 20th about six seconds after the PPV ended

– Christian, SD!, returned to action on May 20th PPV

WWE

WWE Champion: CM Punk
– 183 day reign, defeated Alberto Del Rio on November 20th (Survivor Series PPV)

World Heavyweight Champion: Sheamus
– 50 day reign, defeated Daniel Bryan on April 1st (WrestleMania XXVIII)

**NEW** WWE Intercontinental Champion: Christian
– 1 day reign, defeated Cody Rhodes on May 20th (Over The Limit PPV)

WWE United States Champion: Santino Marella
– 77 day reign, defeated Jack Swagger on March 5th (Raw)

WWE Tag Team Champions: Kofi Kingston and R-Truth
– 21 day reign, defeated Epico and Primo on April 30th (Raw)

WWE Divas’ Champion: Layla
– 22 day reign, defeated Nikki Bella on April 29th (Extreme Rules PPV)

TNA

TNA Heavyweight Champion: Bobby Roode
– 200 day reign, defeated James Storm on November 3rd (Impact)

TNA Tag Team Champions: Christopher Daniels and Kazarian
– 8 day reign, defeated Samoa Joe and Magnus on May 13th (Sacrifice PPV)

TNA X-Division Champion: Austin Aries
– 247 day reign, defeated Brian Kendrick on September 11th (No Surrender PPV)

TNA Knockouts Champion: Gail Kim
– 190 day reign, defeated Velvet Sky on November 13th (Turning Point PPV)

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions: ODB and Eric Young
– 74 day reign, defeated Gail Kim and Madison Rayne on March 8th (Impact)

TNA Television Champion: Devon
– 64 day reign, defeated Robbie E on March 18th (Victory Road PPV)

De Marco has The Wrestling 5&1.

Acero has The Triumverate of Truth.

Rutherford has The Wrestling Sandwich.

Sarnecky has The Piledriver Report.

Garretson has Three Up, Three Down.

And this week’s episode of TWNE After Dark features me talking about meeting Santino Marella while celebrating my wedding anniversary (I couldn’t make it up if I tried), and also more about TNA and WWE’s bad plans for their future television shows!

411 will have live coverage of three hours of Raw tonight starting at 9 pm EDT.

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That’s our show, That Damned Cook is in tomorrow, I will be back next week. Plus, don’t forget to look for me this Wednesday in the Games Zone for Four Player Co-op, and the TWNE After Dark podcast at around 10 pm EDT this Thursday!

Here it is, your Moment of Seriously, You Guys, I Met Santino Marella!

Yes, I know, I’m horribly unappealing to look at. Why do you think I do a weekly podcast and not YouTube videos?

Have a good one, and always be a fan.