The Wrestling News Experience: 07.23.12

Monday, July 23rd, 2012

From 411Mania’s Canadian offices in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, this is The Wrestling News Experience, with Stephen Randle!

The Longest-Running Semi-Episodic Monday News Report On 411 In Internet History!

Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I am Stephen Randle, and like Stan Lee once said, “You keep reading them, I’ll keep writing them”. Much like as long as somebody’s watching WWE, they’ll keep putting on a show. Over 1000 episodes of Raw now, and whether the whole “longest-running episodic” thing is a piece of hyperbolic and narrowly-defined crap or not (and it is, make no mistake), to air one thousand television shows, and to do it mostly-successfully, on a night that is traditionally known for all sorts of other high-rated and/or critically acclaimed television shows airing (including but not limited to Monday Night Football, Everybody Loves Raymond, the first (and only) season of Heroes, Castle, How I Met Your Mother, Chuck, the Big Bang Theory before they decided to move it to Thursday so they could bury NBC, and another half-dozen I’m forgetting), not to mention those 82 weeks where their biggest competition was beating the stuffing out of them, is still pretty darned impressive, I’d say.

Oh, yes, and I must apologize for insinuating that Irish people look like Sheamus, because the Irish are good people and apparently a lot of them read my column. You learn something new every day. Unless you’re really lucky.

Moving on.

Tonight it is what will possibly go down in history as a watershed moment in WWE history, as with the advent of 1000 episodes of Raw, this and every episode of Raw to follow will be three hours long and begin airing at 8 pm Eastern. Except in Canada, because those horse racing folks are shrewd negotiators, we have to wait until 9 pm. Which is why I never volunteer to fill in for our Raw recapper. Well, that and because I suck at recapping.

Anyway, there is a lot of stuff lined up for the very big show, so let’s take a deep breath and run down the list.

– The Rock will be there live (and also Mick Foley and reportedly around 30 former Superstars from the past)!

– Brock Lesnar will be present to deliver a final answer to Triple H’s challenge for SummerSlam!

– The new Raw and Smackdown GM will be named!

– Charlie Sheen may or may not be Tweeting about Raw live!

– Daniel Bryan and AJ are getting married! Never has the world been more interested in the response to the question “Do you take this woman to be your wife?”

– John Cena will cash in his Money in the Bank contract and face CM Punk for the WWE Championship, making him only the second man in WWE history to allow the champion to prepare for a MITB cash-in!

– By a vote of the fans last week, the Intercontinental title will be defended by Christian against an as-yet-unknown opponent!

– More than likely, Heath Slater will get his ass kicked by someone from WWE’s past!

– Chris Jericho says that everyone’s going to be talking about him after Raw, which seems unlikely, but we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt!

– WWE might kick off their supposed “big summer angle” tonight!

– If you actually did this all in one breath, you’ve got really, really good lung capacity!

Anyway, that’s what’s already been announced, but I’m sure there will be more, because they’ve got three hours plus an overrun to fill, now and for as long as the program remains profitable at three hours long! Tonight, at 8 pm, it’s Raw 1000!

– Everything’s about Raw 1000 tonight, so with no other major news, let’s get to the wacky one-liners!

– TNA got some good news, as the Direct TV-Viacom fight is over and Spike will be back on Direct TV. How do Americans survive under this system, where it seems like every year, another cable company is threatening to drop a whole bunch of channels? Up here in Canada, you can have Rogers, or you can have Bell, and they both carry every possible channel because if they don’t, we switch to the other one. It’s not a perfect system, but at least I have seventeen channels to watch the Daily Show on every night.

– WWE has reportedly given up on their plan to unify the IC and US titles. Well, it has been ten years since they did it the last time, they might have forgotten what happened the last time they ditched all the midcard titles and were forced to write feuds about actual issues instead of “who has the IC title this month and who is going to face him?”

– Wade Barrett is set to return to action, likely after WrestleMania, and apparently WWE has “plans” for him. Just so long as he doesn’t end up fighting Randy Orton in a series of increasingly dull matches again.

– Johnny Ace is also apparently going to be back on TV in the near future, because now that he’s not actually Executive Vice President of Talent Relations, they need some reason to justify his paycheck, and apparently that means we have to suffer.

– Apparently Dolph Ziggler really, really wants to wrestler Zack Ryder at WrestleMania 29. It’s to see Dolph going to bat for his buddy, but I had hoped he had higher aspirations for his next Mania match than squashing a guy on the YouTube preshow.

– Vince McMahon once again said that WWE is not in competition with UFC. Good thing, too, because they’d be getting their ass kicked, even if UFC 149 was an affront to both gods and men.

– John Cena was reportedly not supposed to win Money in the Bank, and also that match was not originally the main event of the PPV, but plans changed at the last minute. Yes, because any other outcome would have made any other sense at all, especially since it would have left Cena without a high-profile SummerSlam match (and you know we can’t have that), and also because if they main-evented a PPV with a meaningless Cena-Kane match (you could also have gone “a stupid Cena-Ace farce”), there was no way he wasn’t main-eventing MITB. Am I the only one who notices clearly fake news like this, or is the rest of the world crazy?

– Shawn Michaels turned 47 this weekend, and will kick off another year of being alive by pretending he’s a twentysomething “rebel” once again tonight on Raw 1000. You know, at least Kevin Nash never pretended he isn’t way too old for this stuff.

– John Cena’s divorce has been settled quietly and amicably, which explains why he was flirting with AJ on Twitter this weekend. I haven’t seen John Cena bounce back from adversity this fast since…well, since the last time he wrestled, actually. He does it a lot, is what I’m saying.

– Stephanie McMahon has hinted that she might be at Raw 1000, and since it’s her job to write the damned thing I would hope that was true. Alternatively, maybe she’ll reveal that she married Daniel Bryan last week while Raw was in Vegas. Actually, that’d be an interesting storyline, they should do that one.

– Miss Tessmacher made some disdainful comments about WWE’s Divas division on Twitter last week, but made sure to make it clear that she was talking about how the division itself is treated, not the women involved. I have to agree, after all, WWE had to gall to put their Women’s title on a former member of Extreme Expose, despite the fact that she’s probably one of the worst wrestlers in the division. That’s a pretty silly thing to do, right?

– Before the Comments section asks why I have a problem with Layla, I was obviously talking about Kelly Kelly. I really wish I didn’t feel like I had to explain this.

– And finally, congratulations to Kurt Angle, who got married this week and also announced that the new couple is expecting a child. Hey, it’s something else Angle managed with a broken freaking neck!

1. Aces and Eights A group so mysterious, we still don’t even know who they’re going to be. Jarrett’s a decent bet, though, because who else is there who could even halfway pay off the build? One request, TNA: please don’t make this the nWo all over again. You just got me in, I don’t want to have to flee screaming into the night already.

2. AJ For a woman with no real power outside of a strangely entrancing stare and the ability to skip forever, she sure has a lot of people wrapped around her finger. Not just her fiancé, but she somehow managed to trick Miz into costing himself a match on Raw, and then escaped from Kane’s wrath on Smackdown with nothing more than a head tilt.

3. Samoa Joe Joe once again leapfrogs Storm into top spot in the BFG Series, as he continues to live and die by unique submissions. This time, Joe pulled out a devastating armlock and ended his BFG match with The Pope out of absolutely nowhere. A motivated Joe is clearly going to be tough to beat.

4. Rey Mysterio Mysterio’s return after a very long time shores up what was becoming a very thin main event, and even gives Alberto Del Rio something to do besides chase his alleged “destiny” and put people to sleep in World title matches. Hopefully, anyway.

5. Daniel Bryan I’m not entirely sure what his endgame is, here, since marrying AJ doesn’t get him anything except the eternal love of a crazy woman. I mean, it’s possible this whole thing might be on the up-and-up, but on the other hand, this is pro wrestling. There’s always something else going on in a wrestling wedding.

6. Chris Jericho Chris, we know you like to be a heel, but you’ve just got to face the facts, buddy. We love you too much. Better be careful, because you could headed towards a new version of your Shawn Michaels feud, and this time, you’re going to be the one going through a TV.

7. Rikishi You know, if they’re so afraid to give Brodus Clay a singles feud after seven months, maybe they’d consider having Rikishi stick around to create what I’m sure is the very first tag team featuring two 300+ pound dancing fat guys. And it would be so very over.

8. Eric Young When you need someone to tell a long rambling story about where he’s been for the past month and make it both interesting and hilarious, look no further than EY. Hey, I appreciate the fact that they at least tried to explain why he hasn’t been around.

9. Christian The Peep Show is another reminder that I would probably watch Raw with a whole new attitude if Christian was the color guy, because he’d be great at it. Better yet, an E&C commentary team where they do nothing but make wry comments and mock Michael Cole.

10. Animal As I said to my wife when he came out “This guy right here is why Johnny Ace has a massive inferiority complex”. If my brother was half of one of wrestling’s greatest tag teams in history, I’d probably go insane and pretend I could skateboard too.

Inactive List as of 07.16.12

WWE Raw

– David Otunga, out indefinitely as of July 7th (movie)
– Evan Bourne, out indefinitely as of March 19th (foot)
– Kelly Kelly, out indefinitely as of June 5th (R&R)

WWE SmackDown

– Mark Henry, out indefinitely as of May 1st (surgery)
– Randy Orton, out 60 days as of May 31st (Wellness)
– Ted Dibiase, out indefinitely as of March 7th (ankle)
– Wade Barrett, out 3-4 months as of Februrary 20th (dislocated elbow)

WWE NXT

– Bray Wyatt, out six months as of July 4th (torn pectoral)

TNA

– Chris Sabin, out 6-9 months as of June 14th (ACL)
– Eric Young, day-to-day as of June 14th (throat surgery)
– Jesse Sorenson, out at least one year as of February 12th (spine)
– Sonjay Dutt, out 6-8 weeks as of July 8th (shoulder)

Transactions

– Chavo Guerrero, signed to a TNA contract

– Eric Young, TNA, returned to television on July 19th Impact

– Raquel Diaz, NXT, made NXT debut on July 18th NXT

– Rey Mysterio, RAW, returned to action on July 16th Raw

WWE

WWE Champion: CM Punk
– 246 day reign, defeated Alberto Del Rio on November 20th (Survivor Series PPV)
– Next title defense: vs John Cena, Raw 1000

World Heavyweight Champion: Sheamus
– 113 day reign, defeated Daniel Bryan on April 1st (WrestleMania XXVIII)

WWE Intercontinental Champion: Christian
– 64 day reign, defeated Cody Rhodes on May 20th (Over The Limit PPV)
– Next title defense: vs Opponent TBD, Raw 1000

WWE United States Champion: Santino Marella
– 140 day reign, defeated Jack Swagger on March 5th (Raw)

WWE Tag Team Champions: Kofi Kingston and R-Truth
– 84 day reign, defeated Epico and Primo on April 30th (Raw)

WWE Divas’ Champion: Layla
– 85 day reign, defeated Nikki Bella on April 29th (Extreme Rules PPV)

TNA

TNA Heavyweight Champion: Austin Aries
– 15 day reign, defeated Bobby Roode on July 8th (Destination X PPV)
– Next title defense: vs Bobby Roode, Hardcore Justice PPV

TNA Tag Team Champions: Christopher Daniels and Kazarian
– 25 day reign, defeated Kurt Angle and AJ Styles on June 28th Impact

TNA X-Division Champion: Zema Ion
– 15 day reign, defeated Kenny King, Mason Andrews, and Sonjay Dutt in an Ultimate X Match on July 8th to claim the vacant title (Destination X PPV)

TNA Knockouts Champion: Miss Tessmacher
– 43 day reign, defeated Gail Kim on June 9th (Slammiversary PPV)

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions: ODB and Eric Young
– 137 day reign, defeated Gail Kim and Madison Rayne on March 8th (Impact)

TNA Television Champion: Devon
– 127 day reign, defeated Robbie E on March 18th (Victory Road PPV)

De Marco has The Wrestling 5&1.

Sarnecky has The Piledriver Report.

Rutherford has The Wrestling Sandwich.

And the newest episode of TWNE After Dark features a whole lot of ranting, as I decide to feed the trolls for a little while about my supposed lack of love for WWE, and then somehow end up saying good things about Vince Russo. Yeah, I don’t know where it came from either, I started on this thing, and then I forgot how it ended. Click the banner to listen, anyway!

Also, don’t forget to join the TWNE After Dark a Facebook group. And as my schedule remains in flux, due to attending a Jays game on Wednesday night, this week’s TWNE After Dark will be airing live on Thursday afternoon at about 5 pm EDT. Assuming things continue as they look to be, the new schedule for TWNE After Dark will be Wednesday nights at 10 pm, except when the Jays play at home on Wednesdays, since I have tickets for all of those games. Hopefully I can fit all that in the new banner.

411 will have live coverage of Raw 1000 tonight starting at 8 pm EDT.

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That’s our show, That Damned Cook is in tomorrow, I will be back next week. Plus, don’t forget to look for me this Wednesday in the Games Zone for Four Player Co-op, and the TWNE After Dark podcast at 5 pm EDT this Thursday!

Here it is, your Moment of Buddy

Buddy May Have Started Celebrating Raw 1000 Slightly Early

Have a good one, and always be a fan.