The 8-Ball 08.02.12: Top 8 Wrestlers’ Days Off

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the 8-Ball. I am your party host, Ryan Byers, and I am here to bring you eight more entries on the grand countdown list that we refer to as life.

Sometimes, you just need a break from your normal routine. That’s where I am this week, and that’s why I’m writing a version of the column that is far more about the pictures than it is the text, similar to my prior “Top 8 Scenes from Deathmatches” and “Top 8 Mind Blowing Old School Photos” from days gone by.

And, since I’m taking a day off, I thought that the perfect topic for the column would be wrestlers taking their own days off from in-ring competition and cutting promos. So, here this week, we have the greatest images that depict our favorite sports entertainers kicking up their heels and enjoying a bit of leisure time.

WWE has always been a home for the very large and, in some circumstances, the very small. They love their extremes, ya know? The problem is that, if you’re a man of unusual stature, travel can be very difficult. I recall going to a house show a few years back and seeing the Great Khali riding shotgun in a huge SUV, and the poor guy still had to have his seat pushed back as far as it would go, and it still looked like he had his knees pressed up against the dashboard. However, the road can be difficult for the little guy as well, and that’s why Hornswoggle, though he looks a little bit haggard in this picture and like he might be having a little bit of difficulty maneuvering that suitcase, is happy to end his tour and get home.

In the early 1990s WWF, it seemed like every wrestler had a side job. You had wrestling garbage men, wrestling clowns, wrestling plumbers, and wrestling whatever the hell Freddie Joe Floyd was supposed to be. In a lot of cases, these occupational gimmicks were inspired by wrestlers’ prior careers or hobbies. Bob Holly really did drive stock cars. Shane Douglas really did have an education degree. But did you know that, in his spare time, the man who most American fans know as the Great Muta raises cattle?* In this rare picture, we see Muta – real name Keiji Mutoh – prepping one of his prize cows to be displayed at what is essentially the Japanese, adult equivalent of a 4-H show. And, if any of his opponents give him a rough time, he might just have to spit unpasteurized milk into their faces.

*DISCLAIMER: The Great Muta may not actually raise cattle. This whole entry may just be a joke that I came up with as an excuse to diplay this bizarre picture.

Shohei “Giant” Baba is one of the true legends of the game, establishing himself early in his career as one of the top stars in professional wrestling and using his sway within the industry to build All Japan Pro Wrestling from the ground up when the country’s prior top wrestling promotion folded. Baba’s own in-ring performances, as well as those he promoted, were typically super-serious affairs with chops and big bumps galore . . . but that doesn’t mean he can’t have a sense of humor. Once in a blue moon, Baba did comedy, and, when he did, it was GREAT. Just take a look at this picture, which featured the AJPW bookerman playing Gulliver (as in Gulliver’s Travels) for a wacky skit. Hey, it beats getting slapped across the chest by other pro wrestlers.

One of the most iconic album covers in the history of popular music is the Beatles’ Abbey Road, depicting the four members of the band marching through a crosswalk on the titular street. What do you do when you’re a bored luchador? Well, of course what you’re going to do is gather up three of your closest friends, find a similar crosswalk, and recreate the legendary shot. There have been a lot of different groups over the years who have decided to put their own spin on this big entry in the annals of photographic history, but, for some reason, none of them have tickled my fancy quite as much as the hooded wrestlers hitting the pavement. Now, if we can just get the AAA roster recreating the cover to Sgt. Pepper’s, I will be able to die a happy man.

There are a lot of wrestlers over the years who have become associated with a particular inanimate prop. The Dudley Boys have their tables, the Sandman has his kendo stick, and Vince McMahon has Linda. Sometimes, though, you have to stop and think about where it is these guys get all their stuff from. How much time do CZW wrestlers devote to going to Home Depot and selecting just the right brand of light tubes? Just how many 2×4’s does “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan have stashed in his closet awaiting use on an independent show? This picture answers one such question, namely what it looks like when Carlito realizes at the last minute that he forgot to pack an apple with his lunch en route to the arena. The only thing that could make this image better would be if it came out that the young Colon actually hates the taste of apples and was saddled with this gimmick as the biggest fruit-related rib in history.

I don’t know what it is about the combination of cigars, hard liquor, and lucha masks, but I defy you to take a picture incorporating these three elements that does NOT look completely badass. Increasing the badass factor significantly in this photograph are the individuals who are using the props, namely brothers Villano IV and Villano V, the two youngest members of one of the most prolific wrestling families south of the border. They’ve been in some incredible wars, some incredible bloodbaths throughout their careers, and you know that they’ve been so much pain and sacrifice in the ring that they, more than most people on the planet, can appreciate this opportunity to kick back and enjoy a few of the finer things in life.

Now THIS is a scene that caused a little bit of cognitive dissonance when I first saw it. More than almost any other gimmick, “El Matador” Tito Santana exemplified the cartoonish, kiddie friendly nature of the WWF in the early 1990s. Here was a guy who had already been a successful singles babyface for a decade and who was already a “G” rated character long before it was en vogue, but even that wasn’t quite enough for the Fed as they made their push to make everything more family friendly. They had to make things even more juvenile, suggesting to Santana that he don a colorful matador’s outfit and cut sickeningly inspirational promos. Then, out of nowhere, I see the guy who I consider one of the faces of the “wrestling as a Saturday morning cartoon” leering into a peep show that appears to be hosted in a converted barn. Yowza.

I have to admit, I have absolutely no clue what is going on here, and I’m not even going to try to pretend that I do. This is one of the single most intimidating visuals that I’ve ever seen, though. Fit Finlay is scary enough on his own. He’s one of the toughest wrestlers on the planet, and, even though I am over twenty years his junior, he is still one of the last guys who I would ever want to lock horns with. Now, here we see him not just with his bare hands – which is intimidating enough – he is also carrying a RIFLE while riding HORSE. I have a feeling that this image is what haunts Chuck Norris during his nightmares.

That’s it for this week’s 8-Ball. If you can’t get enough of Ryan, follow him on Twitter here.