Handicapping the News 08.03.12

In one of the more shameful moments of my adult life, I completely lost track of what day of the week it was, and that this column was due. So here I am in the wee hours of the morning hacking out a rushed version of a column all for you, my dear readers. Why? Because I care. Because I take writing here at 411 seriously. And because “Forgetting what day of the week it is” isn’t a good excuse for much of anything. Enough of the pleasantries, I’ve got a column to write. First up, the ever popular Reader Spotlight. This week, the lucky winner (of absolutely nothing) is 2000AD.

2000AD says: Said it in the news post and I’ll say it again, I’m surprised (well not that much, it is WWE after all) that they didn’t just take the Internet Championship Ryder made and stick it on the Youtube preshow for each PPV.

Seriously, you have a wrestler that got over by making a Youtube show, you then start making use of social media to the extent of having a Youtube preshow to PPVs, it doesn’t take a genius to connect the dots.

You’re right, it doesn’t take a genius. This is a fantastic idea that would play in brilliantly with their ever growing mass assault on social media. Then again, it’s Ryder’s gimmick, he may not be willing to share it. And there have never been many people that have accused WWE of being able to connect the dots. This would, essentially, be par for the course with the ironically titled “Creative” department of WWE.

Ryder vs. a returning Ted DiBiase for the Internet Championship? Sure. Ryder vs. whatever stupid name they gave Brodie Lee? I’ll take it. Internet Champion vs. NXT Champion? Why not? Would it pigeonhole the YouTube preshow? To an extent, sure. But if the preshow is 30 minutes long, there’s no reason not to get two matches in. Play a 3-4 minute hype video for the ppv. Go to a match for 8 minutes. A hard sell by Matthews for 3 or 4 minutes. Another match for 8-10, and one final hard sell. It’s very, very doable. Will it happen? Absolutely not. Should it? Probably.

And now, headlines.

Abraham Washington did the unthinkable this week during Raw. While the Prime Time Players were in the ring, AW made a somewhat tasteless joke about Kobe Bryant in a Colorado Hotel room. Predictably, there was a flurry of controversy about the joke, and WWE immediately “took appropriate action” against him. We have yet to see what the “appropriate action” for such behavior is, but this whole incident is an excellent example of where we’ve come in wrestling and in society as a whole.

Once upon a time, heels were intended to be the meanest, nastiest creatures imaginable. Nothing was off limits for a guy like The Sheik or Freddie Blassie. The more people that were carried out of the crowd on stretchers because they had heart attacks as a result of their antics, the better they were doing their job. Now we not only have heels that do terrible stand up routines at ringside, but they get reprimanded for doing their job.

A day or two later, Tensai would be reprimanded for a “racist” Tout video in which he talked about the dangers of riding with a Japanese driver, and told Sakamoto to “open his eyes”. While that’s a little more inherently racist, WWE’s reaction to it smacks of hypocrisy. It was only 8 days earlier that Raw 1000 featured one of the greatest racist stereotype characters ever – Slick.

The majority of the heat went towards A.W., though, as it got play on ESPN and across sports media. This is not the sort of attention WWE wants with Linda McMahon running for Senate. What’s coming down the pike for AW as a result?

Released outright: 8 to 1
Apparently AW was on the Smackdown tapings the next night, and with a live mic to boot. If there wsa going to be a release, I figure it would have come down by now. However, the possibility exists that they’ve written him off television and are allowing it to play out before simply removing him abruptly.

Suspended: 5 to 1
There’s a good chance that Washington will be taken off the road for a while, and that he won’t be seen on television for a while. This is a particularly dangerous situation for a young midcard or lower card talent to find themselves in. If you’re pulled off camera just as you’re building momentum, getting another opportunity to get some traction can be tough. Why? Because there’s always a batch of athletes waiting to take your spot.

A role on a show written by Tyler Perry: 25 to 1
If I had to guess, I’d say that AW’s biggest crime was being funnier than the people that give him lines. I’m a fan of cringe humor and don’t feel like much of anything is off limits. If it offended you, that’s your right. You’re allowed to be offended. Me? Not so much. I sincerely hope there are no serious consequences for AW on this one.

Following his suspension for a second violation of WWE’s Wellness Policy, Randy Orton returned to Monday Night Raw. Surprisingly, the segment in which the upstanding citizen, example of dedication to craft, role model, and all around decent guy returned didn’t spike a 7.3 rating. The internet, and the world at large, had been buzzing for weeks wanting to know when such a fine example of humanity would be returning to their television screens. After all, one can only go so long without such an effective and emotionally charged performer before growing bored.

Orton returned to the ring to do one of the things that he does best – look good at the expense of talent lower on the card. Heath Slater has spent the last couple of months taking finishers and general beatings from legends. The fun side effect of that is that Slater has become more entertaining than he ever was, and got to work with a bunch of guys and gals that he grew up watching. It was a nice series of moments for him and actually made people look forward to his segments. Getting beaten up by Randy Orton did nothing but make him look like a giant tool.

Not surprisingly, the reason for Orton’s absence wasn’t addressed by the commentary team, and it didn’t really need to be. Those that wanted to know where he had been were already aware of it. Those that don’t care, don’t care and don’t need to know. I’m just happy to see one of my personal favorites back on television. What will the coming weeks bring Randy?

Strike 3 on the Wellness Policy: 50 to 1
While Randy hasn’t exactly shown an ability to learn from mistakes of his past, or been shown that there are serious consequences for not living up to a certain level of expected behavior, I don’t think he’ll be willing to jeopardize his spot on the gravy train for a while. He’s making more money now than he would anywhere else, since WWE is willing to hire people that even McDonald’s won’t take. Would Randy head to TNA if he were desperate? Sure. Dixie’s money spends just like Vince’s does. I can’t help but feel that he’d much rather stay where he is, though.

Randy Orton gets a push: 3 to 1
Rey Mysterio just returned from an injury/Wellness suspension, and will likely be used to get younger talent over before hanging up the tights and mask for good. Randy? Randy will get a push. Why? Because he’s Randy Orton. Win or lose, Rey Mysterio is going to be inherently marketable with kids. His mask helps, so does all the high flying stuff he still does despite knee surgeries that have to be approaching triple digits at this point. If you job Rey for the next two months before putting over Dolph Ziggler? He’s still going to get a reaction the next time he goes out. If you job Randy Orton for the next two months before he puts over the Funkasaurus? I have my doubts that people will continue to care. With the main event scene tenuously thin, Orton will resume his perch atop the roster soon enough. Yawn.

Orton is used to establish a new young talent as a main eventer: 90 to 1
Maybe this past Monday’s segment was the beginning of an angle that sees Heath Slater return to seek vengeance against Randy Orton somewhere down the line. More likely, it’s planting the seeds for a Wade Barrett return so Randy can go over him before challenging for the World or WWE Championship again.

In news that should shock absolutely no one, there’s yet another apparent scam artist in professional wrestling. Dawn Marie Psaltis, better known as…um..Dawn Marie..founded a “charity” a few years ago known as Wrestlers Rescue. The intent of the organization was to provide funds to retired, injured, or ill wrestlers and assist them with medical bills. They’ve collected memorabilia from various wrestlers, held shows, and collected donations for a variety of wrestlers, such as the late “Dr. Death” Steve Williams, for the not deceased Jerry Lynn, and most recently Kamala the Ugandan Giant.

The problem is, they’re apparently not really helping anyone. The Blue Meanie, a fellow ECW alum, blew the whistle this week and let the world know that this supposed charity isn’t passing along any of the money that they raise. A little more digging reveals that their website has since shut down and that the group isn’t actually a registered charity. They’re just a group of people that take donations.

Kamala has stated that he’s not received a penny from the group, and Jerry Lynn said that any money they supposedly collected for his back surgery stayed with the group, and he’s never seen a penny. Scamming people under the guise of any charity is pretty low. Doing so to a group of people that you consider peers, co workers, and friends is worse. The only thing I can think of that would be lower on the karma scale would be somehow taking advantage of Make A Wish kids. How will this play out?

Turns out to be a legit scam: 2 to 1
As much as I’d like to believe that this is all a misunderstanding and the funds will find their way home, it’s unlikely. When a light is shone on your activities and your first reaction is to scatter and hide, it doesn’t instill a great deal of confidence. Unless Dawn Marie and company can provide some proof, they’re not going to convince anyone otherwise.

Donations for Kamala’s funds actually increase: 3 to 1
The unintended consequences of actions are always an interesting thing to watch. Much like the LGBT community unintentionally sparked Chick Fil A’s biggest sales day ever, scamming money away from Kamala may actually help Kamala more than anything. This has helped him to become an even more sympathetic figure than ever, and a legitimate Paypal account has been established as a means of collecting money for him.

The money is being used to cover Al Wilson’s funeral expenses: 100 to 1
Cut me some slack…this is a rush job.

For about the third time, The Undertaker was reported as dead. The rumor made the rounds on Twitter and leaked onto a few wrestling “news” sites, and suddenly my phone was blowing up at 2 in the morning asking if I had heard the news.

The “news” was that The Undertaker and John Cena were practicing wrestling moves, and the Undertaker wound up with a broken neck and then died. The things that make the rounds on the internet are startling in their absurdity more often than not, and this deserves to get lumped right in there with them.

I’m happy to report that not only is ‘Taker alive and well, but…well..Lonely Island can take it from here:

In a mental image that absolutely nobody wanted, but that I’m willing to force upon you anyway, Michelle McCool let The Undertaker put his penis inside her and now there’s going to be a Spawn of Undertaker. Sounds like a decent idea for a comic book…or even better, WWE Films!

As a Wrestlemania 29 showdown with Brock Lesnar (or someone else) theoretically looms, we’re clearly in the twilight of The Undertaker’s career. What do the coming weeks, months, and years have in store for Undertaker?

A return before Wrestlemania: 10 to 1
I genuinely expect that we see Undertaker at or around the Royal Rumble to start setting up his Wrestlemania match for the year. The guy is reportedly in better shape than he has been in a while, and is better conditioned to do some stuff in the ring. Hopefully the hair makes a return, because that mohawk is just terrible.

A 21-1 Wrestlemania record: 25 to 1
There’s always going to be a temptation and something of a public outcry for The Streak to end, and honestly, I feel like it should. If The Streak never ends, then it doesn’t mean anything. This has become one of the greatest tools that WWE will ever have to put the seal of approval on a young talent, and if they don’t take advantage of it, then they’ve made a terrible mistake. So many greats have gone out with a loss – Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels spring to mind – and Undertaker shouldn’t be any different. The Streak needs to end, to someone, and then he can call it a career.

Undertaker 2.0 debuts in 20 years or so: 50 to 1
Much like Marcus Jordan, Mark Calaway’s son will have a nearly impossible legacy to live up to. When your father is one of the all time greats to play or perform or compete in a largely public athletic exhibition of one form or another, it makes things difficult. As great as Dustin Runnels was as Goldust, he never reached Dusty’s level of success. David Flair? Please. This isn’t a son trying to eclipse a midcard father. This is following in the steps of an all time great. Male or female, I sort of hope that the kid stays away from the business for everyone’s sake.

This past week in Iowa, Team Ambition made some waves on the indy circuit.

For those unaware, Team Ambition is partially comprised of Davey Richards, Kyle O’Reilly, and Tony Kozina. If you’ve never seen these guys, you’ll have to take my word that they take themselves really, really seriously. Davey Richards has become a target of mockery from a large part of the IWC because of his lackluster run as Ring of Honor World Champion, and for trying to be a MMA fighter posing as a professional wrestler whose gimmick is that of an MMA fighter.

I’m not going to get into the details of what happened with Richards and Co. in Iowa between he and the promoter. I’ve had enough firsthand experience with shady promoters and shady workers to know that there’s an excellent chance that both guys are talking out of their ass to a certain extent. Finding the truth between two arguing wrestlers is like trying to find DB Cooper’s money. It’s going to be long, frustrating, exhausting, and odds are you’ll never accomplish your stated goal.

What I’m willing to address is Tony Kozina going New Jack on a kid. Yes, a kid. A 16 year old kid. Allegedly this youngster disrespected Kozina in such a way that Kozina felt entitled to take it out on the kid in the ring. This isn’t uncommon in professional wrestling, but with the exception of a few whack jobs like New Jack and Ian Rotten, it’s left to a few stiff shots in the ring and then guys put things behind them.

That’s not where things end with Tony Kozina, though. Why? Because he’s a tough guy, and he got disrespected. That entitles him to choke a kid unconscious in the ring and leave him laying there. Good for him. Rather than me ranting about this, I’ll defer to someone with more experience in the ring and someone who understands the wrestling culture firsthand. Adam Pearce posted the following in response to the incident:

The rest of Pearce’s comments on the situation can be found here. Well said, Mr. Pearce.

Regardless of financial circumstances here, Richards, O’Reilly, and Kozina have come off as nothing more than petulant frat boys that don’t think rules apply to them. They’ve become self parodies of everything wrong with the wrestling culture and what continues to give the sport a black eye. Fortunately, it appears they’ll be sticking to Ring of Honor for the foreseeable future. They’re welcome to them, because I certainly wouldn’t spend my money on tickets to see them.

That’s it for me. I’ll try to do better next time. You can message me on Twitter @GavinNapier411 if you want to tell me how much you love me or hate me, or just say hi. Odds are I’ll be back next week.