411’s Instant Analysis 08.06.12: WWE Monday Night Raw

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Monday Night Raw Instant Analysis. I am Ryan Byers, and I used to write these things on a regular basis, though now I’m back for ONE NIGHT ONLY due to your regular party host, Chad Nevett, being sidelined by last-minute work duties. Let’s see how well I get back into the saddle again.

Tonight’s Instant Analysis is brought to you by Jimmy Dean D-Light Breakfast Sandwiches, because I’m a freak of nature and that’s what I eat at eight o’ clock at night.

SEGMENT ONE: Just Another Day at the Office

A.J. the G.M. is out in a white pantsuit. Careful, that color didn’t work too well for Maria Menounos a few months ago. She signs a couple of seemingly random matches, and CM Punk interrupts. He kisses her ass for a little while and apologizes for attempting to override her authority last week but still tries to get the Summerslam title match cancelled, complaining about the fact that it’s a three-way and not a straight singles match. The crowd starts chanting “NO!” and Ms. Lee agrees. Why is it that Punk was able to defend his title in triple threats against Daniel Bryan and Kane for two solid months without complaining but he’s so adverse to this triple threat with John Cena and the Big Show? Oh, continuity.

Speaking of Cena, here he comes. He and Punk go back and forth about respect or some other such nonsense, and it’s so horribly clichéd that I’m having trouble paying attention.

Well, it’s the Big Show.

A.J. the G.M. interrupts Show’s entrance before he can start complaining as well and reminds both he and Cena that they have matches this evening. Punk begins bitching about the fact that *he* doesn’t have a match, which is the exact opposite of what you would expect a heel who was just complaining about having to defend his title in a triple threat match to do. Continuity!

Anyway, Lee books Punk in a match to take place after the commercial break with the twits on Twitter choosing his opponent between Mike the Miz, Rey Misterio, Jr., and Kane. Given last week’s “vote for a street fight, a street fight, or a street fight” poll, I’m surprised that the options for Punk’s opponents weren’t R-Truth, Ron Killings, and K-Kwik.

This was every “one guy talks, other guy interrupts” opening segment to Monday Night Raw that you’ve ever seen, with the added bonus of making the Big Show look completely impotent as he was dressed down by an eighty pound woman. Nothing special, even with Punk and Cena out there. This could be a long night.

Rating: 5 out of 10

SEGMENT TWO: CM Punk vs. Rey Misterio, Jr. in a RawActive Match

“RawActive” sounds like a brand of yogurt.

Interesting to hear them bill Rey at 175 pounds. That’s the lightest I recall WWE admitting he’s been. For the most part, this was exactly what you would expect a ten minute television match between CM Punk and Rey Misterio to look like. They weren’t going out of their way to impress, but they weren’t phoning it in either. The highlight as far as unique spots are concerned was Rey taking a somersault bump to the floor when Punk threw him out under the bottom rope. For the finish, Misterio managed to connect with the 619 and looked for his big splash, but Punk got his knees up. From there, the WWE Champ connected with Go to Sleep and got the clean pinfall victory. Punk really went over the top after the bell selling that there was something wrong with his mouth as a result of the 619, but they showed a replay pretty quickly thereafter and it seemed as though he was fine.

I have to give WWE props for the finish. This was exactly what needed to happen at this point, given that Punk is headed into a key match on pay per view and Misterio is essentially directionless.

Match Result: Punk over Misterio, clean as a sheet.
Match Length: About ten minutes.
Rating: 7 out of 10

SEGMENT THREE: Alberto Del Rio vs. Christian

This was booked prior to the commercial break in a segment in which Del Rio, in his street clothes, insulted A.J. the G.M. backstage and she punished him by giving him a match. Remember that angle with Del Rio refusing to wrestle in non-title matches that lasted all of twenty-two hours? Del Rio and Ricardo did some good, subtle comedy to put over the last minute nature of the match, with Ricardo running out winded to do the introduction and ADR lacing up his boots after doing his entrance. They again replayed the angle from Smackdown a month or so ago involving Del Rio slamming Sheamus’ head in the hood of his car. I guess their idea in using that footage is to make Del Rio look more dangerous, but, in my mind, it actually has the opposite effect. He got that many free shots on Sheamus with such a dangerous weapon and he STILL couldn’t manage to do enough damage to keep the champ out of action for more than a week? That’s the sign of a weakling, not somebody to be feared.

The match itself was short, and Christian took the vast majority of the offense until Ricardo Rodriguez distracted him right before the finish. That allowed ADR to hit Christian with his boot and put on the cross-arm breaker for the submission. The announcers tried to put this over like it was a heinous, underhanded heel tactic, but I never understood why hitting somebody with a boot was supposed to be any worse than kicking him in the face with a boot, which is perfectly legal. This has literally bothered me the entire time that I have been watching wrestling.

After the match, Sheamus appeared on the Titantron and took about twenty minutes to steal Del Rio’s car, which was parked backstage.

Match Result: Del Rio via . . . cheating?
Match Length: Two minutes.
Rating: 5 out of 10

SEGMENT FOUR: Randy Orton vs. The Big Show

Big Show put Orton into a chinlock early in the match. Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it, Randy? Shortly after that, about three minutes into the match, Big Show countered an RKO attempt into a chokeslam, but Orton kicked out at two like it was a clothesline. It got literally zero reaction from the crowd, I’m guessing because this it came out of nowhere early in the fight instead of being built up to like a proper finish. The two men wound up brawling on the floor, where Show speared Orton to set up the double count out.

Slow, plodding, boring match with a lame finish. Show needed to pin Orton after the chokeslam for all of the same reasons that Punk pinned Misterio and Del Rio tapped out Christian. After the match, dumb gave way to dumber, as number one contender Big Show not only failed to beat Randy Orton but also got laid out by an RKO. Counterproductive on so many levels.

Match Result: Technically a double count out, realistically Orton goes over.
Match Length: Six-ish minutes.
Rating: 3 out of 10

SEGMENT FIVE: Ryback vs. Curt Hawkins & Tyler Reks in a handicap match

Reks started and was all offense, but Ryback didn’t sell anything. Hawkins tagged in, but Ryback killed him immediately. The team eventually got some offense off of a distraction, including a two-man forward suplex. Seconds later, Hawkins was backdropped over the top rope and on to Reks, followed by a spinebuster on Hawkins, followed by a KILLER clothesline, followed by the elevated Samoan drop for three. He should really just use that clothesline as his finish if it’s going to look like that every night.

This didn’t accomplish much that hadn’t already been done for Ryback, but it was short enough and Hawkins bumped well enough that it was entertaining enough for the time that it was given.

Match Result: Ryback via murderdeathkill
Match Length: Less than two minutes.
Rating: 5 out of 10

SEGMENT SIX: Titus O’ Neil & Darren Young w/ A.W. vs. Primo & Epico Colon

I was glad to see that WWE didn’t give up on A.W. after last week’s little miscue. What he said was idiotic, but it wasn’t the sort of thing that necessitated him getting the axe. Primo had some AWESOME facials here when he was caught in a chinlock by Darren Young. Really cartoonish stuff, but in a good way. Epico had a fun comeback, including repeating belly-to-back suplexes, which is something that I don’t recall occurring before. That move alone was enough to get the PTP to bail, but they were cut off by the Tag Team Champions. The match quickly finished at that point, with Epico pinning Young after a lungblower.

Technically speaking, this was a fine little match, though I’m getting to the point where I want to see some sort of issue between the Colons and the PTP furthered before they wrestle again. The feud feels like it’s just stuck on a treadmill.

Match Result: Colons via pinfall.
Match Length: Five or so minutes.
Rating: 6 out of 10

SEGMENT SEVEN: Damien Sandow vs. Brodus Clay

This wound up being a non-match, as Sandow jumped Clay as he was making his entrance and shoved him off the ramp. Sandow followed with a good dive off of the ramp and brutalizing the big guy’s ankle. This was effective stuff and Sandow is a good, intense brawler in limited bursts, though I still have some question about his ability to put it together into a match given his prior run with WWE and the OVW stuff of his that I saw. Clay sells surprisingly well for a bigger guy, which is probably not good for him, because it lends more credence to my theory that he’s just going to wind up as the modern-day equivalent of Viscera as opposed to becoming a legitimate star. It was brief, but it was still my favorite segment of the night thusfar.

Rating: 8 out of 10

SEGMENT EIGHT: Kelly Kelly vs. Eve Torres

The highlight of the match was Michael Cole putting over Eve for receiving her second blue belt in Brazilian jiu jitsu, followed IMMEDIATELY by Eve putting Kelly in a choke and it completely failing to put Kelly out for about thirty straight seconds. So much for that belt. Kelly eventually got the win with a huricanrana, which looked good by the standards of the WWE women, though the less complicated spots in the match were all fairly clunky. For some reason, there are a lot of people online who have been fairly vocal in their complaints about there not being a women’s match on Raw for a few weeks. For the life of me, I cannot understand why people miss WWE women’s matches if this is what they’re going to look like. If two men had a match that was identical to this one, it would be universally crapped all over, but, since it’s the women and they are judged by a different standard, I’m willing to bet that I see multiple people trying to put this over as being a treat.

Match Result: Kelly Kelly wins wins.
Match Length: Less than three minutes.
Rating: 2 out of 10

SEGMENT NINE: Shawn Michaels Appreciation Night

With Brock Lesnar billed as being in the house, everybody knew exactly where this segment was going, and the company didn’t even try to hide it. Shawn came out, grabbed the mic, talked for less than two minutes, and Brock’s music hit precisely at the top of the hour when droves of fans tend to tune into the show. Paul Heyman distinguished Lesnar from Michaels, saying that one is an entertainer and one is a fighter. HBK made the mistake of picking Triple H over Brock in the Summerslam match, which prompted Lesnar himself to grab the mic. Heyman buried his head in his hand, which was funny, albeit not for the reasons they probably intended. HHH hit the ring at this point, and Brock bailed, being sure to note on the way out that he intends to do something nasty to Shawn Michaels before Summerslam.

There was not much of substance to this segment, but I have a feeling that it only exists to set something up later on in the show.

Rating: 6 out of 10

SEGMENT TEN: Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero vs. Alex Riley

Chris Jericho was on commentary here, wearing Dolph’s shirt. I think he accidently referred to Alex Riley as “Alex Wright” at one point. In more WCW callbacks, Dolph stole Jericho’s arrogant “YEAH BABY~!” one-footed pinfall towards the end of the match. From there, Y2J got up on to the announce table claiming that he was going to take footage of the match and Tout it (which WWE at their live events clearly tells you that you are NOT supposed to do), giving Riley an opportunity to roll up Dolph from behind and pin him.

As a match, this was mind-numbingly bland. Ziggler was dominating the majority of the match, and the best part about his in-ring is him bumping around, so you didn’t even get to see the best part of the guy’s act. Jericho on commentary was fairly entertaining, so he propped up the entertainment value a bit, but it wasn’t enough to make this feel like anything other than a channel changer.

Match Result: Riley via schoolboy
Match Length: ~5 minutes
Rating: 4 out of 10

SEGMENT ELEVEN: Kane vs. Mike the Miz

This was booked by A.J. the G.M. over Twitter because these two were the wrestlers not chosen to face CM Punk earlier tonight. If we didn’t want to see them then, what makes you think that we want to see them now?

Anyway, the two wrestled a short, even, unspectacular match and Kane pinned Miz clean in the end with the chokeslam. The in-ring action here was completely unremarkable, so I want to talk a little bit more about the booking. I don’t care for the Miz. I really don’t. He’s the definition of mediocre as an in-ring guy, but he occasionally cuts an above-average promo. Prior to his return at the last pay per view, the company had buried him for literally a year straight and made him look like the biggest chump on the roster . . . and he was already coming off a championship reign that made the Honky Tonk Man look like Mike Tyson. At that point, I was in favor of the company just cutting their losses, releasing him, and moving on to somebody they were actually willing to get behind.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, they brought him back from filming a movie and put a championship on him. Miz wasn’t really a guy who I wanted to see rebuilt, but, if they were going to attempt it, I wanted to see them make a legitimate attempt at it. Based on this segment, I can tell they’re not going to. This makes every Miz segment from here on out fast forward material when I’m not recapping the show. I’m not going to invest my time in somebody when it’s clear that the promotion won’t invest their time in him.

Match Result: Kane further buries the IC strap
Match Length: Four minutes.
Rating: 4 out of 10

SEGMENT TWELVE: John Cena vs. Daniel Bryan

The two engaged in mat wrestling early, followed by Bryan dropkicking Cena off of the ring apron and connecting with his flying knee to set up the commercial break. After the break, some more stuff on the mat occurred, after which Cena started doing his typical comeback. Bryan turned the FU into a guillotine in a GREAT spot, though, giving us a little bit of variety. Cena powered out, but Daniel came back and hit the FLYING HEADBUTT THREE QUARTERS OF THE WAY ACROSS THE RING~! I forgot how amazing that move could look when it’s pulled off correctly. Bryan missed the buzzsaw kick, setting up the STF, which Bryan attempted to turn into the LeBell lock. Cena blocked it from every being fully applied, and, seconds later, he connected with the FU in order to score the pinfall. The last two minutes or so of this were GREAT, GREAT STUFF, though the early part of the match was competent but nothing that you wouldn’t expect out of any other Raw main eventers in 2012.

After the bell, CM Punk and the Big Show both hit the ring, with Punk essentially recreating the finish to last week’s show and then cutting a promo over Michael Cole’s headset. Unfortunately for Punk, he got greedy, heading back into the ring to dish out more punishment. Once there, the Big Show KO’ed him, in addition to doing the same to Cena. Pretty standard booking headed into a three-way pay per view main event, but I’d rather that they do standard than going out of their way to do something different and having it fail miserably, as seems to happen more often than not these days.

Match Result: Cena over Bryan
Match Length: Fourteen minutes.
Rating: 8 out of 10