Handicapping the News 08.17.12

I wobbled back and forth on how to handle this week’s column. There were several noteworthy items that came down the pipeline through the week, but none of them were huge news items that made writing this column easier. Then again, I wasn’t about to spend 8,000 words covering everything that was mildly interesting. I had an idea of a column full of quick hits, but wasn’t sure how it would go over. If you decide to use the comment section for something other than yelling at me, let me know your thoughts on that concept. If you think it would work, I may use it in the future.

This week’s Reader Spotlight goes to Guest#2924.

Guest#2924 says: I hope I never become the IWC’s favorite wrestler. And to think, I was certain Punk’s discontent with Nike would have been due to their human rights record.

My jabs at CM Punk have nothing to do with whether or not he’s the IWC’s darling. My opinion of CM Punk has been my opinion of CM Punk since his days in Ring of Honor. It is as follows:

He’s a wrestler with a different skill set than most of what you see on television these days. That’s a good thing. He stole his finisher, down to the name, from KENTA, but I don’t really care. I just know it happened. He has a cool entrance theme (though back in Ring of Honor it was Miseria Cantare by AFI), which is a bonus. I think his snarky heel promos are his best stuff, and I think the entirety of Straight Edge and their selective morals and judgmental attitude is stupid. That’s about it.

Despite what I get accused of across various comment sections, the opinions that I type on these pages aren’t intended to get a rise out of anyone. They’re just my opinions. Nothing more, nothing less. Sometimes people will agree with them. Sometimes they won’t. Either way, it’s okay and I’ll acknowledge your right to your opinion every step of the way. Just sayin.

And now, headlines.

Of all the guys that WWE has picked up from the independent talent pool over the last year or so, I always felt like the former Claudio Castagnoli had the most potential for them. He has sufficient size to be believable in the ring, but he’s not big and bulky. He’s an excellent technical wrestler that knows how to brawl pretty well, too. He can excel in singles or tag team matches.

What does all that mean? He can believably dominate cruiserweights like Tyson Kidd (by the way, remember when he was supposedly getting a push before Money in the Bank?), but also believably trade punches with Sheamus. He can adapt his style to fit either CM Punk or John Cena in the ring. He can win the US title and run with it or they can call up Kassius Ohno and have an immediate quality tag team on the roster. Versatility like that in professional wrestling is the key to a long, long career.

So why the sudden impatience with Cesario? Well, it’s a matter of him being on Smackdown, mostly. WWE wants new guys to get over in a hurry, much like the Funkasaurus did. The thing is, Brodus Clay was given something to do. He got a disco ball, a fancy entrance, squash matches, and the chance to dance with kids. Cesaro pretends to be a rugby player and says hello five different times. Had Cesaro been put in Damien Sandow’s place vs. DX on Raw 1000, then he’d be enjoying the push that Sandow is getting. People would care. As it is, he’s been given nothing, so he’s not getting much of anything.

What’s the fix for this?

Book him as a strong midcard champion with the US title: 8 to 1
Let’s be honest about the Intercontinental and United States titles at this point in history: they’re a nice fashion accessory, and that’s about it. Actually, that’s not even true for the US title. That thing is hideous. What does holding one of those titles mean? It means you’re a featured jobber that happens to be involved in a title match once every few weeks. Give Cesaro the US title, actually let him defend it and look strong in the process, and we may get somewhere.

Reunite the Kings of Wrestling: 40 to 1
I’m still not sold on the former Chris Hero’s viability in WWE. He just doesn’t seem like a fit for me. If I’m wrong, I’ll be happy about being wrong. The problem is, the only thing that’s more hit and miss than the midcard title scene in WWE is the tag team division. I don’t doubt that Cesaro and Ohno could be a fun addition to the WWE ranks, I just don’t expect to see it happen.

Cesaro gets friend zoned by WWE: 20 to 1
I hope this doesn’t happen, but once these opinions are formed, it’s really difficult to get past them. Just ask Brian Kendrick, Paul London, Sean O’Haire, most of WCW, Ken Anderson, Matt Hardy, and a host of others through the years. Hell, everybody loves Zack Ryder and he can’t get anything going. Nobody has a bad word to say about Jack Swagger, but he’s been made to look like a buffoon for months now. Antonio is on the edge of the cliff. It’s not going to take much to take the Wile E. Coyote plunge back to the indy scene if he doesn’t start picking up some steam soon.

In an interview this week, Prince Devitt assured the world that he’s perfectly happy not being a part of the WWE Universe at this time. It wasn’t an unprovoked rejection of WWE’s product, he was asked. He responded with a very politically correct answer about being happy where he is but eventually looking for another challenge.
If you haven’t seen Devitt wrestle, then I can’t possibly encourage you strongly enough to do so. The guy is one of the pound for pound best wrestlers in the world, and is amassing a resume in New Japan that will one day translate into stardom in America for him.

If this career path sounds familiar, it’s because it’s the same one that was largely followed by Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero, among others. Devitt is following in the time honored tradition of junior heavyweights learning to be great in Japan, then applying that knowledge in America. The modern American product has evolved to the point that sometimes, raw talent is enough to get you to the top.

CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Guerrero, Benoit, and AJ Styles are all examples of this. As a relatively young 12 year veteran of the spot, Devitt still has plenty of time to make the transition. What will happen when he does?

Is renamed Ignacious Monroe, given an astronaut gimmick, and sent to FCW: 9 to 1
If he makes the jump to WWE, that’s what’s going to happen. Period. Granted, I’m not psychic and don’t know what name or gimmick they’ll give him, but the pattern is there. It’s nothing we haven’t seen a dozen times already, or that we won’t see again. One of WWE’s favorite pastimes is needling the IWC, and tinkering with a guy like Devitt is a surefire way to do just that.

The X Division eventually gains a new star: 5 to 1
Even if it’s for a brief time, it seems like Fergal Devitt has to be in the X Division. The idea of him winning the X Division title, then cashing it in for a shot against Austin Aries is just too good to ever come true. But I can dream.

Devitt remains in Japan indefinitely, with occasional indy appearances: 3 to 1
The allure of the American dollar isn’t what it once was. Even back in the 1980’s, it wasn’t enough to seduce guys like Bruiser Brody and Stan Hansen into leaving Japan on a regular basis once they were established as stars there. Prince Devitt has a good gig in Japan, and can very easily continue to earn a very good living for himself by being the top junior heavyweight in the world. If his only American appearances end up being special shows for Ring of Honor, CHIKARA, and the like, then I won’t be very surprised at all. Just disappointed.

This week, TNA Knockout and former WWE Diva Tara said that WWE used their clout to block TNA talent from making appearances at Wizard World. Apparently, some of the appearances were advertised and scheduled, but WWE said no. Obviously, WWE brought more to the table in terms of advertising dollars and potential traffic, because they have a much higher level of brand recognition than TNA. That’s really about all there is to say about it. Does it suck? Yeah. But if you don’t think Coca Cola would or could block RC from appearing somewhere they were going to be, you don’t understand how business works. Also, if you think this was anything but an excuse to put up a few pictures of Tara, then you don’t understand how this website works.

Take a step back. Take a deep breath. Clear your head. Now, focus on and understand what I’m about to tell you.

There’s a solid chance that Linda McMahon is about to become a United States Senator.

Let that sink in.

Vince McMahon’s wife, who was once involved in an angle where she pretended to be catatonic and gave us the image of Trish Stratus barking like a dog on a globally aired television show, could very well be a United States Senator.

The idea is horrifying. The potential ramifications of this are insane. If you think that WWE dialing back to PG in order to help Linda get elected, what do you think they’ll do to get her reelected? The wrestling promotion that rose to power by breaking every rule in the industry has become handcuffed by the power that they crave. It’s a rather remarkable twist of plot.

The idea, I’m sure, was to use the family fortune and Linda’s ability as a businesswoman to manage and conduct a successful Senatorial campaign, which was likely the highest office they could reasonably hope to get her elected to. With a voice in the Senate, Vince would, in theory, be free to do as he pleased. There would be no more federal trials, or answering questions about steroids and wellness and Chris Benoit murdering his family. If he did have to go through such things, it would be much more tolerable with the help of an insider.

The problem is, that in order to get Linda elected, Vince had to play by the rules. The product had to become “cookie cutter” and family friendly. I’m not saying that the PG product is necessarily bad. I just find it ironic than in what probably began as a quest to be able to do anything he wanted, Vince limited himself beyond what he could have possibly imagined.

With the general election looming, what comes next for the WWE at large?

The company becomes even more “safe”: 3 to 2
This was step one. Getting past the other Republican challengers was the easy part. Now comes the general election, which will require going to war against not someone with similar ideals and stealing away part of their base, but against an entirely different political ideology. This part of the campaign trail will get even uglier than the Republican Primary race did, and more dirt will be dug up. As a result, anything and everything connected to Linda is going to have to be sanitized as much as possible. Just look at AW. He made a dated reference to Kobe Bryant, and he got released for it. It will get worse before it gets better in terms of censoring the talent.

Linda loses, and WWE regains their edge: 15 to 1
I don’t know how Linda will fare in the general election. I do know that if she loses, there will be an initial temptation to lash out and revert to more of an “Attitude Era” product. It would be easy to do with guys like CM Punk, Randy Orton, John Cena, and Chris Jericho on the roster. However, Linda and her campaign can’t be blamed for all of the shift in the product’s direction. Once you become heavily involved with social awareness campaigns like “Be A Star” and charities such as the Make A Wish Foundation, you don’t have a choice but to be more responsible. Those things are good publicity, and throwing them away for the sake of reliving glory days would be a terrible business decision.

The product remains the same: 100 to 1
Everything changes. There’s no such thing as standing still. If the product doesn’t continue to evolve, then it will stagnate and business will begin to drop. There are still ways to take risks with the product and remain PG without making it a kiddie show. So far, they’ve done well with that. I haven’t agreed with or enjoyed everything that they’ve done, and at times it’s felt incredibly hokey. This is still the era that’s given us CM Punk’s “Pipe Bomb”, Nexus tearing Raw apart, a series of great Wrestlemania matches featuring Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker, and Triple H, and the return of both The Rock and Brock Lesnar. There’s been plenty of big moments even under the PG banner, so don’t lose hope.

AW had to be fired.

I don’t like it, but it had to be done.

It’s not even entirely about Linda McMahon’s campaign, as much as a lot of people (AW included) would like to make it be. It’s just the world we live in these days.

The places where politically incorrect humor can exist have been clearly defined. Cable networks like Comedy Central and F/X will allow guys like Daniel Tosh and Louis CK to peddle their brand of off color humor to the folks that want to hear it. Even then, though, those guys are only scratching the surface of what they’re capable of when they really want to make people squirm.

Gone are the days of men like George Carlin finding their way to the mainstream with humor that makes people uncomfortable. If you want to be a mainstream comedian these days, you’re going to have to follow Jeff Foxworthy and Jeff Dunham’s mold. You need to be family friendly.

WWE doesn’t exist in that niche anymore. They’ve moved out of the corner of social awareness where Shawn Michaels could get away with having gym socks stuffed into his spandex shorts, or where The Kat could flash people on pay per view and things would be okay after a couple of days of faux outrage.

Now they exist in a place where rape jokes aren’t allowed to be funny. CM Punk did an interview this week where he was firmly on his high horse and said that AW deserved to be fired because rape jokes aren’t funny. Well,

I don’t agree with CM Punk. I don’t think AW deserved to be fired. I do think it had to happen, though. Because of WWE’s ties with charities and organizations that I mentioned above, and because they are a publicly traded company who has to worry about what their shareholders think of the product presented, it had to happen.

To quote a guy in another promotion, AW, sorry about your damn luck.

That’s it for me. I’ll try to do better next time. You can message me on Twitter @GavinNapier411 if you want to tell me how much you love me or hate me, or just say hi. Odds are I’ll be back next week.