Handicapping the News 09.07.12

I wish I could do two Reader Spotlights. I guess I could, because it’s not like anybody is standing behind me and jabbing me with something sharp if I try to add a second spotlight, but I feel like it would be overkill. I’ve already been ranting about the whole straight edge thing (which I think is stupid) for three weeks now, and people are still getting offended by it. I don’t need to beat the dead horse anymore, but I will say this before I’m done: it’s okay not to like things, or to frown upon things.

Somewhere between me being a child in the early 80’s and today, we’ve become a culture that feels obligated to accept everything, no matter how stupid we think it is deep down inside. We’ve gone from a society that speaks our mind to a society that shrugs and mumbles something to the effect of “Well..I guess it’s not hurting anybody…” and then swallows our objections to anything. Well, I still think things are stupid. Things like Straight Edge. And vegetarian and vegan diets when not absolutely medically necessary. And the idea that telling kids not to be a bully is more effective than punching a bully in the mouth. There’s a lot more, but there’s a reader spotlight to get to that actually deals with wrestling, and I’d prefer to talk about that anyway.

Guest#6402 didn’t quite agree with my classification of WWE talent as “Linda McMahon’s employees.”

“Secondly, it’s a good political move for Linda to show that she cares about her employees and is willing to provide options for them to achieve sobriety.”

This is like referring to TNA wrestlers as employees of Dixie Carter’s husband.

I see what you’re saying, but it’s not exactly the same thing.

See, Serg has never had any authority in TNA. In 1993, Linda became President and CEO of Titan Sports, Inc., and thus the World Wrestling Federation. While she has stepped back from that role and Vince McMahon is now officially on the roster as the CEO, Linda was, at one time, the boss. Now, anyone that thinks Vince wasn’t still calling the shots is fooling themselves. I realize that. However, for political purposes, Linda’s name was listed as the CEO of the company for several years, and thus any and all employees of Titan Sports/WWE will be referred to as “her” employees. It also doesn’t hurt that since WWE is a publicly traded company, it’s easy to find out that Vince, Linda, Shane, and Stephanie control 96% of the shares. She very much has a controlling interest in the company, so from the top to the bottom, John Cena to the ring crew, they’re working for her.

Now, had you said that it would be like referring to TNA wrestlers as employees of Dixie Carter’s parents…well..you’d be on to something. Then again, Dixie isn’t running for public office, and so it wouldn’t be nearly as big of a deal.

And now, headlines.

Dark matches.

9.1.12 Warrior to headline Big Time Wrestling event in October. What are the odds…

Warrior or one other big name talent no-shows? 8 to 1
A soon to be legendary promo is cut in the middle of the ring? 3 to 1
The guy that replaced Jim Hellwig has died and this is actually the third version of Warrior? 1,000,000 to 1

9.1.12 Matt Hardy rambles on about how good he feels on Facebook. What are the odds…

He gets another shot in the big leagues? 8 to 1
More stupid videos are on their way? 7 to 1
He finally fades into obscurity? 100 to 1

9.4.12 Kurt Angle hates the PWI 500. What are the odds…

Kurt realizes the Apter mags are in kayfabe? 30 to 1
Kurt has ever actually read an issue of PWI? 5 to 1
Kurt’s Twitter was hacked? EVEN

The constant headlines mentioning Devon, Matt Morgan, and Ric Flair rejoining WWE should serve as notice of just how far TNA has come in their ten years as an active promotion. It wasn’t that long ago that the idea that WWE would be interested in three TNA roster members at one time was ludicrous. TNA has been viewed as a landing spot for WWE castoffs, from main event talent with issues like Jeff Hardy, to temporary stopovers like Christian Cage, to guys that just weren’t needed or wanted anymore like Ken Anderson. Christian Cage returned to WWE, and did well for himself for a while. Ron Killings made his return to the “E”, and has been more successful than I personally would have imagined (I’m a Killings fan, I just didn’t expect him to catch on there like he has). Monty Brown had a cup of coffee with them in ECW before life got in the way. Gail Kim went back and remembered why she left the first time.

Obviously, Devon, Matt Morgan, and Ric Flair all have history with Vince. Some more than others, but they’ve all been there, done that. I can understand Flair and Morgan wanting to make a return for their respective reasons – Flair needs money, Morgan is still young and wants to further his career – but I’d be leery if I were Devon. TNA may not represent the paycheck that he wants, and there may be an overwhelming desire for him to break out of the identity of “Bubba Ray’s tag team partner”, but I’m not sure that WWE is where that’s going to happen. Vince tends to hold a grudge, and Devon (and likely Morgan) will probably find out how Vince feels about guys that willingly leave to go work for the competition, no matter how minor that competition may be. If he’s angling for a job as a trainer or agent, then I get it. In the ring, though, I don’t like Devon’s chances.
Given the landscape in professional wrestling at the moment with the TNA/WWE lawsuit still ongoing, what does the future hold for these three?

No former TNA talent is signed until 2013: 8 to 1
That’s a long way off, so I’m hoping that Morgan and Devon have been smart with their money or have a willingness to take indy bookings in the meantime. I don’t think that WWE is in danger of losing the lawsuit or anything of that nature, I just think they’re shrewd enough not to do anything that would cast doubt on their defense.

One or two of the three are left out in the cold: 4 to 1
I can see Morgan not getting picked up due to his failures on their roster in the past. Did he have a terrible gimmick? Sure. But again, Ron Killings talks to an imaginary child and it works. I can see Devon being left off it he’s persistent about being a singles wrestler. Flair, at some point, will be back on the roster.

One or more return to TNA: 2 to 1
My bet would be Devon, especially if Bully Ray sticks around. Devon hasn’t broken through as a singles competitor like he had hoped, but he was definitely doing better than being Rev. Devon. At this stage of his career, I feel like Devon is much more viable in TNA than WWE.

News – and I use that term very loosely – broke this week that former World Heavyweight Champion Christian was being held off of WWE programming as a result of the deal that TNA and WWE struck that will see Christian appear in TNA at Bound For Glory to induct Sting into the TNA Hall of Fame. The thought process was that by keeping Christian off of television, there would be less demand to see him, and so his appearance in TNA wouldn’t be a big deal.

Never mind the fact that the logic there is completely backwards, it turned out not to be true at all. Keeping a popular superstar off of television would only make people want to see him more, so when TNA started advertising him in advance of Bound For Glory, it would actually create a little buzz for his appearance. The way to make people not care would be to saturate the air waves with Christian jobbing to Damien Sandow, Antonio Cesaro, and Jack Swagger.

It turns out that Christian has been missing from television because he’s got some nagging injuries that are healing up. That’s it. Nothing more. No conspiracy, no heat, no grand plan. Just injuries. It seems like I’ve covered such circumstances regarding internet reporting before, but this keeps happening. Let’s look at all of the angles here, and put odds on what’s more likely.

The injuries are just a cover story for keeping Christian off television before his TNA deal: 25 to 1
It’s a c-o-n-spiracy! The dirtsheets had it right, now they’re being forced to cover the story up with a fake story that was given to them by Vince! Don’t you see?

Christian is injured: 3 to 2
I’ll allow that it’s possible that Vince is keeping Christian off television because Vince is insane and feels the need to punish Christian for a deal that he had nothing to do with and is only reluctantly a part of. I find it much more likely that Christian, back under the hectic WWE schedule, and well into his 30’s, is just dinged up.

The IWC is awful at reporting things and just blurts out whatever pops into their minds as fact: EVEN
We’ve been over this before. It’s never going to change, because wild speculation generates traffic.

WWE Diva Eve Torres outlasted some other C-list celebrities and Terry Crews, who was way too busy being awesome to last very long on the show. How awesome is Terry Crews? He’s so awesome I’d almost rather talk about him here than Eve. This is the Divas section, though, so I’ll restrain myself and find another opportunity to talk about Crews in the future.

At some point, Eve’s wrestling career will come to an end. Not necessarily any time soon, but eventually. If she’s lucky, she’ll be able to find gainful employment in dating celebrities and appearing on reality television a la Stacy Keibler. This was a nice start for her, and the USO got a nice donation to boot. I kind of feel for Dean Cain, though, who came in first place in four events but finished third overall. I wonder if Dean Cain’s charity was “The Help Dean Cain Buy Lunch Foundation.”

Now that the show is over, what can we expect from Ms. Torres?

A return to television and a major push: 3 to 1
You know what Vince McMahon loves? Mainstream publicity. This is even better than sending a group of jobbers to Family Feud and seeing them win. This was a real show, created by Mark Burnett, and Eve Torres beat the former First Dude of Alaska, Todd Palin. Her reward will likely be making Brock Lesnar tap out.

Eve moves on from wrestling: 15 to 1
Not so fast, my friend. Eve isn’t quite ready to make the leap just yet. This got her name out there, but I’m not so sure that a win on a reality show that amounts to a short term fill in during summer programming has catapulted her to the B-list just yet.

Vince rewards her with enhancement surgery: 12 to 1
It’s possible, but I fear that if anything on Eve gets any larger, she’ll become structurally unsound.

And now we know why Triple H shed a solitary tear on Raw. He wasn’t mourning his career, he was mourning the forthcoming loss of his golden locks. All Three H’s appeared in public with a buzz cut, but would not address rumors that like Samson of old, he had lost his strength along with his hair.

It was a tough week all around for the Slippery One, as Hunter is reportedly going nose to nose with his dad boss dad-boss over his character on television. Take it with a grain of salt since it’s coming from the internet, but apparently The Game wants to be a heel on television, while Vinny Mac is set on Trips being a heel. That’s all speculation, and I’m sure that the H’s would tell me to pipe down about things I don’t understand, but it makes sense given the history of both men.

Triple H has long seen himself as the heir apparent to Harley Race and Ric Flair, both as a master heel and as a ring general. Flair was never a sustained babyface until later in his career when he could be a sympathetic or nostalgic presence. Race was true to his heel persona until he was out of the business entirely. I’m sure Triple H, pending retirement or not, doesn’t see himself in that sympathetic or nostalgic light just yet, and would prefer to be a heel.

What Vince wants, though, Vince gets. No matter how slippery those H’s may be. What are some of the possible ramifications here?

TNA informs Kazarian that he needs to let his hair grow out immediately: 15 to 1
I’m sure that TNA would much rather capitalize on the striking physical similarities between Kazarian and Triple H in hopes that people think HHH has somehow jumped ship to Impact. Kazarian will remain bald for the forseeable future.

The haircut truly signals the end of Hunter’s in ring career: 40 to 1
Hair grows back, folks. I mean, just look how quickly Kane’s grew back after he put the mask back on. Maybe if Triple H wants to make a comeback, he can borrow Kane’s mask to accelerate the hair growth.

Jay Bower sees this and forgives me for using some of his old material: 100 to 1
I can only hope, just so he knows that I’ve never laughed harder at anything wrestling related than his old Triple H comic strips that appeared on this website years ago.

I’m going to be selfish here for a minute or two.

I don’t want Bully Ray to leave TNA.

Look at that picture. Look at it. It’s almost hard to look at that and understand that it’s the same guy that was in ECW, or wore full body camo in WWE, or even that originally arrived in TNA. Mark Lamonica is 41 years old. Forget the fact that wrestlers don’t reinvent themselves like that at this age. Forget the fact that very few professional athletes actually get better at this age. Most people, men or women, athlete or not, never make the sort of transformation that Bully Ray has made over the last few years in TNA.

I don’t care what your opinion of TNA is. If you’re not watching it, you need to at least be watching Bully Ray’s segments, because the man has been on fire for a long time. He’s easily the best heel in wrestling, and one of the most enjoyable characters in the sport. He has evolved beyond everything that’s been associated with him and has thrived as an almost entirely new person.

He’s always had the ability to incite a crowd, but he’s also been something of a comedy character at worst, or hard to take completely seriously at best, because he was a bit pudgy and he played it up. The guy is in the best shape of his life – again, this doesn’t happen for most people once they pass 30 – and is absolutely killing it on the microphone and in the ring.

Why do I want him to stay in TNA? Because I want him to continue to shine. I have every bit of faith in his ability to shine in WWE, but I don’t have faith in WWE to use a 40-something former tag team star in a featured role on television from week to week. Bully Ray has been too good of a character for Mark Lamonica to go back to being Bubba Ray Dudley or being lost in the shuffle of WWE.

I’d settle for seeing him go to Ring of Honor and having a words with or brawling with Kevin Steen, but I’d prefer to keep him where he is, where I can watch him week after week. I’m pulling for him to win the BFG series, and much to the IWC’s probable chagrin, to win the TNA World Heavyweight Championship at Bound For Glory if he’s still with the company. He’s earned it.

That’s it for me. I’ll try to do better next time. You can message me on Twitter @GavinNapier411 if you want to tell me how much you love me or hate me, or just say hi. Odds are I’ll be back next week.