wrestling / Columns
The Wrestling News Experience: 04.08.13
Monday, April 8th, 2013
From 411Mania’s Canadian offices in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, this is The Wrestling News Experience, with Stephen Randle!
Are You Afraid Of God, Booker?
Good morning everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I’m Stephen Randle, and let me tell you, there’s nothing like sitting down for your first Jays game of the season and having it be 5-0 within five minutes so you entire afternoon is now a slow death march for three hours, wishing it could all be over and beating yourself up mentally for daring to give into humanity’s most dangerous weapon, that being hope that this year, things might be different.
On the bright side, at least WrestleMania had a low bar to clear to not be the worst thing I saw yesterday.
Speaking of which…
Slimmer had the live coverage.
Oh yeah, in a totally meaningless match that WWE didn’t bother making you pay for, The Miz defeated Wade Barrett to win the Intercontinental Championship on the pre-show.
First sign of the night: I’m Only Here To See Antonio Cesaro. Well, Vince doesn’t like him, so you’re about to be disappointed!
Sheamus, Randy Orton, and The Big Show vs The Shield
So, by opening the show at WrestleMania, does that mean that The Shield has now eclipsed the World Heavyweight Title in terms of importance?
Hey, I just noticed, Big Show’s latest heel turn almost lasted a whole year. He’s come a long way from the old days.
Actually, Cole, Ryback ripped off Ambrose’s flak jacket at the previous PPV. So yes, it has been done before. And quite recently. To the same Shield member, even!
This isn’t a bad match, but it’s bog-standard Raw filler. There’s not enough chaos going on given the participants.
Hm…there’s an interesting story developing where they won’t let Show tag in for some reason. Dissension finish incoming!
The Shield defeated Orton, Sheamus, and Show (Ambrose pinned Orton, Reigns Spear)
Show declined to save Orton, by the way, and I entirely do not blame him. And then he knocks out Orton and Sheamus. Forget what I said before. Even though he was totally justified.
Mark Henry vs Ryback
Yes, I meant to pick Ryback in the Roundtable yesterday. Congratulations, you noticed a typo. Do you feel better about yourself now?
I’m curious, Cole. You say there’s “so much on the line” in this match. What, precisely, is on the line?
Three bear hugs? Where’s Daniel Bryan with his arsenal of puns to at least make this bearable?
Never mind, I got it covered.
I mean, it was impressive that he can carry Henry, but it was comical watching Henry practically leaping onto his back and then clinging on for dear life.
Wait…what?
Mark Henry defeated Ryback (pinfall, um…he fell on him and that was enough, apparently)
Maybe I did mean to pick Mark Henry after all.
And then Ryback Shellshocks Henry post-match. Okay, great, so the result meant nothing. Why do that odd finish and then have Ryback hit his finisher anyway? It’s not like there was anything on the line here, despite what Cole said. A clean win would have made so much more sense than what we got. You don’t have to protect Mark Henry, he just has to beat someone up and yell “That’s what I do!” and he’ll be just as strong as ever.
Man, JBL really doesn’t like Rey Mysterio, even in action figure form.
Hell No © vs Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston – WWE Tag Team Championship
JBL rightly calls out Cole’s bullshit math when he says Kane and D-Bryan have a better chance of victory since 53% of tag champions have retained at Mania. Ooh yeah, slightly better than even, those are odds I’d bet my life savings on, if I had any.
What? Oh man, if they had actually ended that match in 18 seconds while mocking last year’s World title match that probably would have been the greatest thing ever.
“Back in the Civil War, AJ’s ancestors fought for the East.” Okay, that’s actually pretty funny, King.
Hell No defeated Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston to retain the WWE Tag Team Championship (Bryan pinned Ziggler, Flying Headbutt)
This has to be leading up to a new tag team debuting on Raw tomorrow, right? I mean, who’s left?
Chris Jericho vs Fandango
I’m still torn on whether I want this to be an actual match or just have Jericho totally squish him, Gillberg-style. I suppose the payoff being that he’s a crappy wrestler probably isn’t the right way to go, though.
Not that that’s stopped them before.
Second sign of the night: If Fandango Actually Wrestles, We Riot
How is it possible that Jericho’s gear is out-sparkling Fandango’s?
Well, that’s his finisher dead out of the gate. He didn’t hit the legdrop particularly well anyway. Looked like he landed right on Jericho’s face.
And another legdrop misses! You know, generally, you don’t fail to hit your finisher three times in your debut match.
Yeah, that was not the right way to do that.
Fandango defeated Chris Jericho (pinfall, roll-up)
The announcers try to play it up as a massive upset, but that was pretty sad. You remember the Lesnar-Cena match where Brock had 95% of the offense and only lost to one of the three moves Cena hit all match? Same thing here, just different guys. End result, Fandango looked incredibly weak. This was Hogan-Kidman levels of “allegedly putting someone over”.
There was a musical number in here, but fortunately I had a 30-minute PVR buffer. Guess it’s a good thing I didn’t rush home from Toronto.
Alberto Del Rio © vs Jack Swagger – World Heavyweight Championship
Well, at least Zeb wore a tie.
Seriously, Jack, give up on the puberty beard. It looks even worse when you have Zeb around.
Alberto Del Rio defeated Jack Swagger to retain the World Heavyweight Championship (submission, Cross-Armbreaker)
Clean and everything, so I would suspect Jack’s suspension starts now.
Well, enough of the two hours of filler that you could see every week on Raw or Smackdown, on to the stuff you probably paid to see! Oh, and also Brodus Clay for some reason.
CM Punk vs The Undertaker
Well, at least Punk gets Living Color playing him down live. Of course, to the crowd he’s the biggest face on the roster…until The Undertaker comes out, I would imagine.
Huh. Why is Undertaker walking through the cast of Cirque Du Soleil?
I love the crowd reactions here, because they finally seem to be into the show (you can blame stadium acoustics if you want, but if that were true, why can I hear them now?). Punk slaps Undertaker to open and the entire arena sucks in its breath because they know he just messed up real bad.
Come on, Taker, between you and Jericho accidentally opening tiny cuts on your face somehow during your matches, by the time we get to HHH-Brock (because you know Trips is going to blade), it won’t mean anything!
Heyman sacrifices himself to stop the Crazy Old Man Taker Outta Control No-Hands Tope! Good thing, too, Taker probably would have shattered into tiny pieces if he’d actually done it.
Holy crap, Punk hits the top rope elbow onto the SAT…and it doesn’t collapse! Finally, the Spanish announce table gets a measure of revenge!
I’m actually more surprised he got to hit that move. I was sure Taker was going to get the hell out of the way. Good thing Punk essentially landed butt-first on top of the table.
Punk kicks out of the Tombstone!
The Undertaker defeated CM Punk (pinfall, Tombstone)
It’s safe to say this was much, much better than the last time they feuded, which is hilarious considering how much older Undertaker is now. Obviously, they didn’t go for the “epic” feel of the HHH or HBK matches, which I think helped the match because they didn’t spend half the match lying around trying to sell the “grandiose” nature of it all. This was a straight wrestling match, and it played out like one. Not an epic battle, but a great match, if you will.
Triple H vs Brock Lesnar – No Holds Barred
Well, at least they got one more use out of that ridiculous giant skull custom entranceway. Probably should have taken a pass on the fire extinguishers, though. The residue makes it look like HHH forgot the “rinse” step.
Apparently someone replaced Triple H with his older, darker brown twin. I wonder if Darren Young has a brother?
Remember what I just said about the difference between an epic match and a good one? Yeah, this one is trying too hard for epic and it’s just coming across as slow. Placement on the card (i.e. after Taker-Punk) is probably also not being kind to this.
Also, it doesn’t help when the only one actually selling anything for more than a minute is Shawn Michaels.
Oh Lord, Brock blew the Pedigree spot.
And we transition from hitting finishers to more weapon shots and posing on the outside. I can’t help but feel that they’ve lost the thread of this match.
You know, it’s so sad. On his facial expressions alone, Brock could have been one of the greatest pro wrestlers of all time. Watching him sell resisting tapping out during the Kimura sequence was like wrestling theatre.
Oh, of course. It’s not a finish without a sledgehammer shot.
Triple H defeated Brock Lesnar (pinfall, Pedigree on steps)
I’m sure other people liked this, but it was only okay to me. Obviously, I’m partially annoyed because it was such a waste of Brock’s limited dates, fighting a guy who wrestles twice a year and whose only effect on the company going forward will be in a backstage role, but since he’s rumoured to move on to The Rock after this, I guess I’ll just have to live with it.
So, does Bob Backlund just not age? Which evil power did he get that deal from?
Okay, be honest, how many of you had no idea what the French phrase under the Mania XXX logo meant without the voice-over?
Apparently they reserved most of the pyro for the attendance figure announcement. In case you wondered what WWE really values.
Third sign of the night: We Hate The “We Hate Cena” Fans, Last Year We Saw Three Of Them Spill Beer On A Baby!
I almost disqualified that one because it’s a bit wordy for a sign. Succinct points, guys, not verbose!
The Rock © vs John Cena – WWE Championship
So I guess they cut the 8-man tag from the show for time. Shades of WrestleMania X!
You know, forget the “smarts”, did WWE really think a New York/New Jersey crowd would cheer a guy from New England?
Oh good, another “deliberately paced match”. At least this one makes sense, so that Rock won’t be sucking wind five minutes in. I really hope they were joking when they let out that rumour that this match was going for nearly an hour including entrances, because the entrances weren’t that long.
I actually never used to notice how shitty Rock’s Sharpshooter is, but now I can’t un-see it. I want to go back to the way it was, please.
Okay, if Cena suckering Rock on the People’s Elbow wasn’t the finish, they’d better have one hell of a better idea.
Christ, finally someone tries a move that isn’t a finisher reversal.
Nope, they didn’t have one.
John Cena defeated The Rock to win the WWE Championship (pinfall, AA)
And they have a group therapy session in mid-ring. Oh, just fuck, already.
Hey, Game of Thrones is on…
All right, before I go off and watch something that actually tells stories and doesn’t just use it as a marketing slogan, this show was exactly what everyone pretty much expected (well, except the one guy who picked Punk in the Roundtable. Every year, there’s always one). Nothing was offensively bad, and Punk-Taker, for me anyway, took MOTN honours and will probably garner a few noms for MOTY. The other two big matches played out pretty much as I expected, and the only even halfway shocking result was Henry winning, which was essentially negated by post-match activities. Well, WWE, you’ve got the big 3-0 next year, you can’t reasonably expect to go back to the Cena-Rock well there, so it’s time to see if you can get someone who actually works there full-time into a main event storyline that will sell 1.3 million buys. Or whatever this show gets.
So, in summary, it wasn’t bad, but like I said, the first half of the show might as well have been an episode of Raw.
Quo vadimus?
Last night, John Cena shocked…well, absolutely nobody, and defeated The Rock to win the WWE Title, redeeming himself from a disappointing 2012 where he was in the main event of nearly every PPV. Anyway, with that out of the way, and absolutely no reason for another Rock-Cena match (right?), who will be Cena’s first challenger for his title?
Speaking of people needing new challengers, Alberto Del Rio deftly handled Jack Swagger to extend his World Title reign, and it’s likely that due to some extra-curricular activites, Jackie Boy will need some extended time off. Thus, Del Rio will likely find himself embroiled in a new feud as we head towards Extreme Rules!
Plus, Daniel Bryan and Kane looked more united than ever before in defeating Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston to continue their dominant reign as Tag Team Champions. With a new wrestling year dawning, will a new tag team rise to challenge Hell No?
And The Shield remains undefeated in WWE, after taking down the team of Randy Orton, Sheamus, and The Big Show last night. Notably, however, Big Show failed to break up what would be the winning pinfall, seemingly upset with the fact that Orton and Sheamus seemed intent on not allowing Show to tag legally into the match at several opportunities. Post-match, Show KO’d both of his team members, so I would imagine all three men will have something to say about that tonight.
Meanwhile, Fandango was fortunate to escape his debut match with a win over Chris Jericho, and Mark Henry pulled out a win over Ryback, who still managed to hit his Shellshock finisher on the World’s Strongest Man after the decision was rendered. And it’s a new wrestling year (in theory), so all sorts of new storylines can come into play! We’re only one year away from WrestleMania XXX, and a new Road starts tonight on Raw!
– Reportedly, WWE.com lost its paid online stream of WrestleMania mere minutes into the show and it did not come back until the show was well underway, at which point it started from the very beginning instead of continuing live. Well, Internet fans are always saying WWE should copy stuff from Ring of Honor, but I don’t think this was what they were talking about.
– Thanks to The Call actually making money, WWE Films will be making at least one more movie! Apparently it will involve the mythical Bermuda Triangle and the legends of it causing unexplained disappearances. Finally, the story of Zack Ryder’s push will be told!
– Pictures have circulated of a potential NXT Divas Championship. Despite not officially existing yet, the belt is still considered more meaningful and credible than the WWE Divas Championship.
– As part of a Hurricane Sandy Relief Fund auction, you can bid for a chance to pitch a storyline to Stephanie McMahon. Somehow, unless the winning bid has the ability to roll over in bed and say “Hey, Steph, here’s what I think we should do…”, I suspect your pitch might not be very influential on what actually gets booked. At least you’ll be throwing money away on a good cause, anyway.
The fact that he never actually had to come back, and in fact his injuries seemed to preclude it right up until the moment that he returned, and then he goes out and lets it all hang out, is just one of those things that blows my mind. Sure, he only wrestles one match a year, but you can’t argue with the fact that they’ve all been at worst MOTY Contenders. Now, all that’s left is to beat Cena at XXX and disappear in a puff of smoke and legend. |
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You know, I just spent two weeks playing a game that dealt extensively with the idea of multiple universes, across which there are certain constants that never change. I guess what I’m trying to say is…you should go play BioShock Infinite already. |
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Well, at least he’ll still be around for another year or two. Seriously, you can literally see all the wasted potential, and that’s even acknowledging how much he did accomplish. Hey, maybe this year, he’ll fight a full-time guy! |
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The Internet gives Heyman lots of credit (unlike any reputable banks…heyoooo), but I still don’t think he gets enough. His work as a cornerman for both Punk and Brock added an entire other dimension to both matches, plus he managed to keep both his responsibilities entirely separate the whole time. No one ever wonders why Punk and Lesnar never interact despite sharing a manager, because it never really seems like it matters. We know why he’s with Punk, we know why he’s with Lesnar, and the paths never cross. At least, not yet. |
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I am entirely serious, I would give what’s left of my soul to look as young as Backlund does at his age. Actually, I wouldn’t mind looking that young at my age, either. |
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It has to be time for the next step, right? Will the master plan finally be revealed? Is there a higher power behind all this? If not, can we figure something out for them to do before WWE wastes this golden opportunity they’ve given themselves to create three massive stars? |
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Hey, look, an entire football stadium full of wrestling fans chanting “Yes” and pointing in perfect synchronicity. Has he earned another main event push yet? |
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No, Punk, please don’t leave us to this wasteland while you take much-deserved time off! I know you’re hurt and you’ve been carrying the company on your back for over a year as WWE Champion, but come on, we have to watch John Cena as champion now! The least you could do is don the commentary blazer again and sit in on a few shows! |
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Nice win, Miz. Keep up the hard work and they might actually let you win a title on PPV next time. I did pick against Miz, but I should have re-thought my logic when Dead Man Down turned into a bomb and Marine 3 at least made some amount of money on direct-to-DVD sales. |
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4.4 Million viewers for last week’s debut despite the heaviest of competition from The Walking Dead. Vince would sell anything he could if it meant he would draw half as many buys. |
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Inactive List as of 04.01.13
WWE
– Evan Bourne, out indefinitely as of March 19th, 2012(foot)
– Christian, out indefinitely as of September 1st, 2012 (elbow)
– Hunico, out indefinitely as of November 1st, 2012 (ACL)
– Santino Marella, day-to-day as of February 19th (neck)
– Sin Cara, day-to-day as of Match 23 (concussion)
– Tyson Kidd, out 4-6 months as of January 10th (knee)
TNA
– Chris Sabin, out 6-9 months as of June 14th, 2012 (ACL)
– Madison Rayne, out indefinitely as of March 17th (pregnancy)
Transactions
– Santino Marella, WWE, returned to action on April 1st Raw
**NEW** WWE Champion: John Cena
– 1 day reign, defeated The Rock on April 7th (WrestleMania XXIX)
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio
– 87 day reign, defeated The Big Show on January 11th (Smackdown)
**NEW** WWE Intercontinental Champion: The Miz
– 1 day reign, defeated Wade Barrett on April 7th (WrestleMania Pre-Show)
WWE United States Champion: Antonio Cesaro
– 232 day reign, defeated Santino Marella on August 19th (SummerSlam PPV)
WWE Tag Team Champions: Kane and Daniel Bryan
– 204 day reign, defeated Kofi Kingston and R-Truth on September 16th (Night of Champions PPV)
WWE Divas’ Champion: Kaitlyn
– 79 day reign, defeated Eve Torres on January 14th (Raw)
WWE NXT Champion: Big E Langston
– 89 day reign, defeated Seth Rollins on January 9th NXT
WWE NXT Tag Team Champions: Adrian Neville and Oliver Grey
– 54 day reign, defeated The Wyatt Family on February 13th NXT to become the inaugural champions
NOTE: NXT Title reigns only count what has aired on TV, not when changes occur at tapings.
TNA Heavyweight Champion: Bully Ray
– 29 day reign, defeated Jeff Hardy on March 10th (Lockdown PPV)
– Next title defense: vs Jeff Hardy, April 11th Impact
TNA World Tag Team Champions: Austin Aries and Bobby Roode
– 60 day reign, defeated Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez on February 7th Impact
– Next title defense: vs Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez
TNA X-Division Champion: Kenny King
– 39 day reign, defeated Rob Van Dam on February 28th (Impact)
TNA Television Champion: Devon
– 123 day reign, defeated Samoa Joe on December 6th (Impact)
TNA Knockouts Champion: Velvet Sky
– 46 day reign, defeated former champion Tara, Gail Kim, and Miss Tessmacher in an Elimination Match on February 21st Impact
TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions: ODB and Eric Young
– 396 day reign, defeated Gail Kim and Madison Rayne on March 8th, 2012 (Impact)
Acero has The Wrestling 5&1.
Wright has The Heel Report.
And the latest edition of After Dark featured lots of pre-WrestleMania talk, while I tried to deal with a persistent echo. Click the player to listen to the show!
Also, don’t forget to join the TWNE After Dark Facebook group.
Guacamelee **COMING SOON**
BioShock Infinite
Dead or Alive 5 Plus
Generation of Chaos 6: Pandora’s Reflection
Rocketbirds: Hardboiled Chicken
Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch
Earth Defense Force 2017 Portable
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That’s our show, Marsico is in tomorrow, I will be back next week. Also, don’t forget 4PC in the Games Zone on Wednesday, and the TWNE After Dark podcast on Wednesday, airing live at around 9:30 pm on Spreaker.com, posted on 411 shortly thereafter.
Here it is, your Moment of Buddy
He Came Home Saying That The Jays
Were In The Toilet.
So Buddy Checked The Plumbing.
He Always Wanted To Meet Jose Reyes.
Have a good one, and always be a fan.
