The Wrestling News Experience: 04.29.13

Monday, April 29th, 2013

From 411Mania’s Canadian offices in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, this is The Wrestling News Experience, with Stephen Randle!

But Seriously, Fuck E-Sports

Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I am Stephen Randle, and I would really like my right arm to stop hurting. Failing that, I’d like the Blue Jays to stop sucking so that I can at least come home from bad days at work to some sort of good news.. But at least, thanks to the Leafs, for the first time in nine years, I can grow a playoff beard! Which will actually require shaving my regular beard first. Meh, it’ll grow back in a day or so anyway.

WWE is back from their European Vacation, and I tried to make a mean Chevy Chase joke here, but it’s just not worth it. Anyway, while overseas, The Undertaker teamed with his brother Kane and Daniel Bryan as the latest threesome to confront The Shield. Unfortunately, as seems to be a pattern for Shield opponents, in the end it was The Undertaker who was left lying, driven through a table on Smackdown at the hands of the three-headed monster that seems completely unstoppable. Where now will The Shield’s eyes turn towards?

And news has filtered down that things continue to get worse for John Cena, who may have slightly injured his Achilles tendon over the weekend. With his WWE Title match against Ryback at Extreme Rules only weeks away, the odds could not possibly be stacked more against Cena, could they? How will WWE’s version of Superman (it’s actually not a perfect comparison, after all, Superman occasionally suffers a defeat so that he can learn valuable lessons) respond to this latest obstacle? My money’s on terrible jokes!

Meanwhile, Jack Swagger has emerged as the man with all the momentum in the three-way feud over the World Heavyweight Title, as he defeated Alberto Del Rio in a brutal No DQ match on Smackdown. With the Real American steamrolling his competition, is it only a matter of time before he gets his hand on the gold that eluded him at WrestleMania?

Plus, Mark Henry and Sheamus seem determined to remain on a collision course, and eventually, it’s going to lead to a match! Or the total destruction of all life as we know it. One or the other.

All this, plus meet the stars of WWE’s newest television series, as the WWE Divas will probably be featured in a five-minute match somewhere in the seventh quarter-hour or something! Oh, and don’t forget Fandango! Tonight, on Raw!

– After a week or so of handwringing, it turns out that WrestleMania 29 may have pulled in around 1.2 million buys, which is less than the 1.3 WWE predicted, but only 500k off the all-time Mania record, good for gobs and gobs of profit. But before we all start ranting about how unfair it is that a pretty badly written, trite and downright mediocre show ended up getting rewarded even though they don’t deserve it, you should also know that this week, Two and a Half Men was renewed for another season, while Community, Parks and Recreation, and Happy Endings have had no indication that they’ll be getting new episodes next fall. What I’m trying to say is, life isn’t fair and people watch crap.

– Meanwhile, The Rock’s latest movie hit #1 at the box office this weekend, and not to take anything away from Pain and Gain, which I hear is good, but it’s not like it was going against particularly heavy competition. Although given what comes out this week, I guess it should be thankful it got one weekend to grab as much cash as it could.

– WWE had a brief shareholders conference call this week, where it talked about how much potential money they will make off WWE Network. When questioned how they could possibly make money of something that currently has no firm direction, plans, signs of development, or even theoretical existence at this point, Vince McMahon’s answer is rumoured to have been “Bitcoins”.

– Gawker.com has removed the Hulk Hogan sex tape from its site, but will not be removing the written recap, as apparently that is protected under the right to free speech somehow. I have a question: who the hell wrote a recap of the Hulk Hogan sex tape?

– Apparently John Cena’s ex-wife is not happy that she was the subject of an insult used by Ryback on Twitter as part of his feud with Cena. I feel for this woman, I mean, first, Cena’s inability to beat The Rock forces him to divorce her, and now she’s part of a Ryback feud. Truly, the number of lives John Cena may have inadvertently ruined through wrestling may, in fact, outstrip those he saves by visiting all those Make-a-Wish kids.

– Wait, what do you mean Make-a-Wish doesn’t save lives?

– Oh, I see, terminally ill children.

– Wait a second. You mean we’re not turning Cena heel because of a fanbase that mostly won’t live until their next birthday? No wonder WWE’s ratings are going down.

– Okay, that went a little too dark at the end there.

– Rey Mysterio is being advertised for WWE’s Australian tour in mid-summer, suggesting he will return sometime around June. Which begs just one question: who leaves America in the summer to go visit Australia in the middle of their winter season? It goes against every sane vacation plan in the book!

– I fully expect to be told about Australia having warm winters, but I don’t care.

– Apparently there are currently no plans to build a statue of Bruno Sammartino in Philadelphia, although Kurt Angle said on Twitter that a statue of him will be built in Pittsburgh “any day now”.

– And finally, John Cena celebrated his 36th birthday this past week, and for all the crap we give him, at a time like this, it feels good to sit here, raise a glass of alcohol and think about how he’s accomplished far more in his 36 years than any of us will accomplish in our entire lives, Cena, you jorts-wearing bastard, you think you’re better than me?

– Okay, maybe I should have stopped after one glass.

1. The Shield They’re technically no longer undefeated, at least in singles matches, and they ended Raw by getting chased off by SuperCena, when you leave The Undertaker in the remains of a shattered announce table, you have accomplished a big thing. They have to have bigger plans for this group than a simple tag title run, don’t they?

2. Sting Okay, so somehow Sting and Hogan are at the center of the Aces and Eights angle, but hopefully only to stretch things out before they, too, get defeated and have to turn to TNA’s real best hope for dealing with the invading menace, right? Right?

3. Fandango The singing continued in the UK, but as I understand it they really, really got into it over there, playing his theme at soccer games and such. A return Stateside will really shine the light on Fandango’s future.

4. Matt Morgan Hey, there’s that loose plot thread they keep dropping and picking up again. You’d think it’d be a lot harder to forget about a guy Morgan’s size, but somehow he keeps getting lost in the shuffle until they remember that they actually are pushing him again, which happened this week on Impact.

5. Daniel Bryan He made diagrams, man. Diagrams! What more did you want him to do? It often baffles me that WWE can write such painfully unfunny comedy, but also stuff like this, which is gold, Jerry, gold!

6. Fourtune I couldn’t think of a better way to include Bad Influence, Bobby Roode, and Austin Aries into a single entry slot, so call it Fourtune Version 2.0 (because we know Styles isn’t coming back). These four guys are one of the best reasons to watch Impact any given week, which makes it baffling that even though they’re the two hottest tag teams on the roster, neither of them are the Tag Team champions.

7. Tensai Hard to believe that he looks more like a killer as a dancing fat guy, but history is littered with similar stories. Well, wrestling history, anyway. Maybe if they’d let him do running corner sentons and ridiculous monkey flips as Lord Tensai he might have stuck around the top of the card a little longer. Although he does seem to be having more fun this way…

8. AJ Lee Which is sadder, winning a five-Diva battle royal to become #1 Contender, or finding it difficult to correctly name all five Divas competing in the match without checking a recap? Ah well, at least the long-awaited Chickbusters feud is apparently back on again.

9. Mark Henry Part of me still isn’t sure why Henry didn’t just get picked for Ryback’s current position since he was already a heel and much, much cooler anyway, instead of getting slotted into a largely meaningless feud with Sheamus. Another part of me suspects that this is a setup for Sheamus to beat Henry and become the next contender against Dolph Ziggler. That part of me also wonders why I can come up with six or seven different logical contenders for the World title, but can’t figure out who the hell faces Cena next.

10. Zack Ryder The YouTube thing hasn’t meant anything yet, but he did spend the UK tour beating Antonio Cesaro on house shows. So, you know, at least he’s in a better position than one guy, anyway.

Inactive List as of 04.22.13

WWE

– Evan Bourne, out indefinitely as of March 19th, 2012(foot)
– Christian, out indefinitely as of September 1st, 2012 (elbow)
– CM Punk, out indefinitely as of April 8th (R&R)
– Hunico, out indefinitely as of November 1st, 2012 (ACL)
– Sin Cara, day-to-day as of March 23 (concussion)
– Tyson Kidd, out 4-6 months as of January 10th (knee)

TNA

– Chris Sabin, out 6-9 months as of June 14th, 2012 (ACL)
– Madison Rayne, out indefinitely as of March 17th (pregnancy)

Transactions

– John Cena, WWE, day-to-day as of April 28th (Achilles)

– Rosa Mendes, WWE, sent home from UK tour, status uncertain

WWE Champion: John Cena
– 22 day reign, defeated The Rock on April 7th (WrestleMania XXIX)
– Next title defense: vs Ryback, Extreme Rules PPV

World Heavyweight Champion: Dolph Ziggler
– 21 day reign, defeated Alberto Del Rio on April 8th (Raw)
– Next title defense: vs Jack Swagger and Alberto Del Rio, Extreme Rules PPV

WWE Intercontinental Champion: Wade Barrett
– 21 day reign, defeated The Miz on April 8th (Raw)

WWE United States Champion: Kofi Kingston
– 14 day reign, defeated Antonio Cesaro on April 15th (Raw)

WWE Tag Team Champions: Kane and Daniel Bryan
– 225 day reign, defeated Kofi Kingston and R-Truth on September 16th (Night of Champions PPV)

WWE Divas’ Champion: Kaitlyn
– 100 day reign, defeated Eve Torres on January 14th (Raw)
– Next title defense: vs AJ Lee, date undetermined

WWE NXT Champion: Big E Langston
– 110 day reign, defeated Seth Rollins on January 9th NXT

WWE NXT Tag Team Champions: Adrian Neville and Oliver Grey
– 75 day reign, defeated The Wyatt Family on February 13th NXT to become the inaugural champions

NOTE: NXT Title reigns only count what has aired on TV, not when changes occur at tapings.

TNA Heavyweight Champion: Bully Ray
– 50 day reign, defeated Jeff Hardy on March 10th (Lockdown PPV)

TNA World Tag Team Champions: Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez
– 11 day reign, defeated Austin Aries and Bobby Roode on April 11th (Impact)

TNA X-Division Champion: Kenny King
– 60 day reign, defeated Rob Van Dam on February 28th (Impact)

TNA Television Champion: Devon
– 144 day reign, defeated Samoa Joe on December 6th (Impact)

TNA Knockouts Champion: Velvet Sky
– 67 day reign, defeated former champion Tara, Gail Kim, and Miss Tessmacher in an Elimination Match on February 21st Impact

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions: ODB and Eric Young
– 417 day reign, defeated Gail Kim and Madison Rayne on March 8th, 2012 (Impact)

Acero has The Wrestling 5&1.

Harder has The Professional 3.

And this week’s After Dark featured talk about how much scheduled time off could help some of WWE’s talent, including John Cena, plus the failures of WWE Creative to think long-term when it could be a big benefit to the project. Click the player to listen to the latest show, and hit the banner for the archives!

Also, don’t forget to join the TWNE After Dark Facebook group.

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Here it is, your Moment of Buddy

I Bet If I Stare At You Long Enough,
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Have a good one, and always be a fan.