Smart Marks 7.27.13: Handicap Spots

Hello one and all, and welcome to another edition of Smart Marks, your stop for some weekend musings about any and all things wrestling. I’m Dino, and I’m sorry about no showing last week. Technical Difficulties, my arch rival, came through and made it impossible to get the column up. That’s “my bad” as we say in the hood, and I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Just for perspective, and in case this isn’t known by all 8 of my readers: I’m an 80’s kid. I was born in 1981. I grew up in Hulkamania. I know that to today’s fan, that must mean I’m a “WWE-tard” or whatever, but would you believe that back in the 80’s, there were tons of feds, and we watched them all without talking loads of shit about any of them? I know, I know… such a crazy concept (That’s not to say there was NO trash talk, just that it was more of a “I like WWF more than AWA, but I still watch them all” because, you know, we like wrestling).

The point of this is that, when I was a kid, I remember watching sporadic handicap matches. Usually featuring Big John Studd, or King Kong Bundy, or of course Andre the Giant (among others), we’d see two or three poor enhancement talents step up against a gargantuan. And while they’d have their moments (usually in the early going), eventually they would fall against the behemoth that was placed in front of them.

Now, if Andre was put in a handicap match against an actual tag team? Watch out. It didn’t even matter if it was the Conquistadores or the Young Stallions- a real team was going to beat a singles guy, nearly every single time.

However, if you put a top level team, or even the tag team champions, in a handicap match against one guy? You better plan that guy’s funeral. If, when I was 7, they had announced that Hulk Hogan would be taking on Demolition on a Saturday Night’s Main Event, I’d have been on the verge of tears. Hulk Hogan would have been a dead man walking. And this is freaking HULK HOGAN, okay? I know nowadays it’s fun to pretend that he’s some hack that hasn’t been “relevant in 15 years” (because WrestleMania X8 was 16 years ago? No, no it wasn’t) and that he’s killing TNA, but this was the baddest dude walking at the time. Hell, if it was Hulk against The Hart Foundation, he’d still be dead.

Somewhere along the line, however, the psychology of the handicap match was destroyed. Quickly- I know that everyone and their mother defines “psychology” differently. So, for the purposes of this column, when I say reference the psychology of a handicap match, I mean just the basic understanding the crowd has for the match, and the way the wrestlers themselves wrestle it.

Just for kicks, let’s blame the Attitude/Monday Night Wars Era for this change, as it’s usually the scapegoat anyways for most things. Yeah, that sounds good.

Somewhere around the Attitude Era, the handicap match became a vehicle to make one guy look incredible. See, whereas in the past, it made sense to have these giant guys wrestle 2 or 3, as only 1 opponent would be too easy, we were now taking regular sized guys, and still having them beat tag teams. Not two enhancement talents, but legitimate tag teams. And things only got worse from there, until we got to where we’re at now.

How many times have you watched Sheamus win a handicap match? Or John Cena? Against an established team? Or against the friggin World Tag Team Champions?

It’s ruined. The handicap match has been completely ruined. We’ve been conditioned over the last decade plus to understand that in a handicap match, it’s the TAG TEAM who is the underdog. There’s no more talk of “keeping the fresh man in” to really wear down the single opponent. Instead, the single opponent starts the match strong, kicks the crap out of Tag Wrestler A, who then tags out, so that Tag Wrestler B can receive the same beating.

Let’s get back to Sheamus. He seems to wrestle quite a bit in handicap matches, in an effort to further is “brawling hooligan” status or whatever. And regardless of whether it’s some form of 3MB, the Usos, or the Prime Time Players, Sheamus should lose. Unless it’s some fluky fluke, he should lose every time. Instead, however, it’s usually a dominant beating, followed by a few Brogue Kicks. All the drama is gone from the handicap match.

Can we bring it back? I think we can. Imagine if they put John Cena against Heath Slater and Jinder Mahal. Cena’s smirking the whole time, because these two guys are a joke, right? Only, every time he goes to finish, the pin is broken up by the other guy. Eventually, Cena wears down, and Slater and Mahal, through constant tags, double teams, and cheating, finally put Cena away clean-ish. Isn’t that result WAY more shocking than John Cena (or Sheamus, or Orton) winning this “odds against them” handicap match?

Come on, guys! Remember when “anything” could happen? How about making it so that the guys who are actually the favorites in a handicap match actually WIN said match? That’d be just crazy enough to work!

Here’s an original thought: I hate the General Manager.

It wore out its welcome yeeeeeeeeears ago, and while there’s some hope that we’re headed to some split WWE where Triple H is in charge of one show while Vince runs the other, the fact is, we’re still stuck with one of the lazier devices used in wrestling.

You’d have thought that having a laptop computer act as GM for a while would have been the death knell. I really thought when that laptop pleaded for Cole to save him from Edge’s wrath that one night on RAW, that we really had brought it to an end.

That’s why I’m a mark.

In all seriousness, the GM no longer works because we the fans have been showed, repeatedly, time and time again, ad nauseum, that these people have no real power. On top of that, they’re presented to us as having no real power, and no real idea of what they want to do.

I don’t recall Jack Tunney throwing down a fine or a suspension and then the next week, having that wrestler intimidate him into overturning it. Sure, Gorilla Monsoon was attacked by Vader, and that was a HUGE deal at the time. You don’t put your hands on the officials was the rule.

Now? Now we’re treated to bumbling idiots who do things “for the Universe” or to please Vince, or Trips, or Steph… whoever feels like swinging their penis around, even if it’s just a metaphorical one. What’s the point of a GM creating a giant Survivor Series main event if Vince can just show up, call her dumb and fat, and then bully her into making a new match? Why does that position exist? Why can someone like Vickie Guerrero keep losing her spot as a GM (on either RAW or Smackdown) only to bounce back and return as the GM (on either RAW or Smackdown)?

Why can’t we (or perhaps more appropriately, why can’t they) just admit that the GM is a garbage storytelling tool that’s far outlasted its usefulness? That no one takes the GM seriously- from the markest of fans to the wrestlers themselves. No GM’s rule is taken seriously. If it’s a heel GM, you go to Trips and have him overrule it. Or maybe Vince will do it himself. Why can’t we just admit that the people in charge of WWE are the people that EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS TO BE IN CHARGE: Vince, Steph, and Hunter. They can be a committee. They can argue. They can disagree on punishments. They’d still be the final word, and really, the only word.

Why hire GMs who don’t even have matches ready to go the night of your show? Sounds like bad managing to me.

In TNA it’s not nearly as much of a problem, but could still use a little fixing. However, with Dixie Carter, it makes sense that she’d want someone like a Hulk Hogan or a Sting to deal with the wrestlers when it’s time, as she’s hardly an intimidating figure. I’d still like to see DIXIE be the one who makes the final decisions, with her GM being the person that enforces them. It’s definitely an area TNA does better than WWE, though. United people in charge who focus on the same goals. Simple. Much better than the revolving door of circus performers who run Vince’s two shows.

Allow me to dork the hell out here. As I watched RAW this past Monday, I noticed the prominently featured poster for the upcoming Legends of Mid-South DVD that’s releasing in September. Oh. Man.

Mid-South is, for me, basically the Holy Grail. I watched NWA as a kid. I watched the AWA. I watched World Class, the UWF, Global, GLOW…

But I never got to see Mid-South. Yeah, I’ve hit some Youtube videos through the years, but I’ve always felt like I missed on an awesome promotion. Even the UWF didn’t seem to be as awesome as Mid-South purportedly was. And growing up, you’d always hear the bigger kids talk about how Vince did nothing but steal all of Mid-South’s talent, and that’s why he was so good.

And frankly, they’re right. Mid-South was LOADED. Junkyard Dog. Ted DiBiase. A straight tough guy Hacksaw Duggan. Terry Gordy. Countless others.

I don’t know much about Mid-South, and I’m kinda glad. That’s going to make this release even better. The little I have seen, though, has always been great. Super violent. Super heated. Intense feuds. Not a lot of “sports entertainment” garbage. Hell. Yes.

After reading a while back that WWE was going to focus less on the super special interest DVDs (like the Brian Pillman, AWA, or Curt Hennig ones), I kinda gave up hope on a cool collection like this being created.

Suffice to say, I’m stoked. Take my money, WWE. I can’t wait to finally get some Mid-South action going.

That will do it for this week, thank you all for reading. Agree? Disagree? Anything you’d like to see addressed? Don’t be afraid of giving your takes on my marks, and as always, enjoy your WWE, enjoy your TNA, enjoy your Lucha Libre, your Puro, and your Indies.