The Tuesday Communique 07.30.13: Get Off Your Death Bed

WWE Monday Night RAW from Corpus Christi, TX (I think) || TV Review

The Boss and Vince McMahon!
– According to Michael Cole there will be “two double main events” tonight. Okay, Michael.
– Vince calls Bryan a troll and gives Maddox a shot to respond, but Bryan ain’t having that!
– Vince brings up “Ruthless Aggression” and the fact that neither Bryan or Cena have it. He also dislikes both men, apparently. Odd.
– And he wants Bryan and Cena to spontaneously combust in the ring at Summerslam. That would certainly be a spectacle.
– TIPPIE-TOE CONTEST!
– Bryan standing toe-to-toe on the mic with Vince was absolutely great stuff.

The Shield v. Mark Henry & The Usos
– The fans are quite readily accepting the Mark Henry face turn. As long as he can keep being the same ass-kicker beating up heels instead of faces, he’ll stay over, too.
– Jey has a tattoo on his chest… THAT’S how we tell them apart. I’ll still never figure it out.
– Tons of action everywhere. Really strong RAW match that would have been a perfect SummerSlam opener.
– I assume it’s Henry v. Ambrose at the PPV for the US Title and a tag title rematch, possibly with Ambrose/Henry on the pre-show.

– Ryback slaps around some local indy guy backstage in a very uncomfortable segment, then puts him through the catering table. Ryan Reeves would never stand for such a waste of food.

– Kane is looking for the Wyatt Family but they aren’t around, so Maddox tells him to kill Daniel Bryan instead. I really hope this doesn’t play out with Bryan somehow getting buried at the end of it all.

Rob Van Dam v. Fandango
– Wait, so both Cena and Del Rio get to choose their SummerSlam opponents? Not that feuds or earning title shots mean anything, I guess.
– NICE sequence with both guys ducking kicks and Fandango getting the score!
– Fandango skips town after the babyface comeback to avoid the 5 Star Frog Splash. I was hoping RVD would wipe out Summer Rae with a big dive to the outside.
– I like protecting Fandango and I’m sure they’ll have a passable match at SummerSlam if thats’ the direction they’re going, but unless they do a flexibility contest (a-la the HHH/Steiner pose-down) I will protest.

– Every time Kaitlyn spears AJ a baby cries. That’s so sad. We should start a petition.

Non-title: AJ Lee v. Kaitlyn
– Half Cattle Mutilation from AJ!
– AJ cuts off the comeback with a NICE looking knee lift.
– Spear! Pin! AJ only lost because she was distracted by the wailing of a sweet, innocent child! That’s gotta be a DQ.
– Ziggler comes out and challenges Big E to a match RIGHT NOW!

Dolph Ziggler v. Big E Langston
– I’m very glad they they didn’t take too long to get to this feud. They’ll have a really good match at SummerSlam.
– With WWE looking for a new African American babyface, I would absolutely suggest that Big E has that huge star potential. I’ve been saying it for quite a while — E has the ability to be a humongous top star, both as a babyface and as a heel.
– AJ goes crazy on Ziggler for the DQ to end a match that was getting off to a good start. Looking forward to the real thing.
– Ziggler sneaks in with the Zig Zag on Big E! I was hoping they’d let him leave the segment strong insted of focusing on E and AJ arguing in the ring. Good stuff.

Non-title: Alberto Del Rio v. Christian
– Del Rio dodges the “hey, you wait here while I hop the ropes and smack you in the face” move! Hell yeah!
– SWEET back senton from the middle rope onto Christian’s arm. That was pretty awesome.
– I don’t understand what the crowd is chanting. Is it “DEL RIO!”?
– ADR goes for the reverse superplex, but YOU CAN ONLY DO THAT TO ZIGGLER! (to be read like “you can’t powerbomb Kidman!”)
– Because he’s too fat.

– Christian gets the aforementioned “you wait here” move, but runs right into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker! Nice sequence there.
– Killswitch! No! Cross armbreaker! No! Small package! Great finish!
– ONE MORE MATCH! ONE MORE MATCH!

– The Sandow/Rhodes storyline from SmackDown was great.

Cody Rhodes v. Wade Barrett
– CrossRhodes is easily the best version of that move ever performed.
– Okay TV match, but Cody gets a win and we get storyline progression with a Sandow promo!
– Hey, they’re doing the “I come from a rich family and you come from nothing’ story. I can get behind that. Can we get Dusty on TV? I NEED a Cody promo where he passionately states that he’s “The son of the son of a plummer, daddy!”

Daniel Bryan v. Kane
– I thought that this would be on a larger stage, but Bryan’s push has gotten far bigger than expected, so this works.
– I like tht they’re initially reluctant to fight.
– Rolling half crab by Bryan!
– Three corner dropkicks take out Kane! But it only gets 2!
– I love how much King and Cole are talking up Bryan during this match.
– Chokeslam countered into a small package! MISTER SMALL PACKAGE STRIKES AGAIN!
– Chokeslam from Kane! That fucker! Bryan beat you clean, man!
– King missed a perfect opportunity. He said that Bryan wrapped him up like a Christmas present. TOTALLY should have said that he wrapped him up like a Christmas Creature.

– The Wyatts are here! Kane goes right after Bray, but Harper and Rowan cut him off and Kane gets destroyed. YOU’RE NO DEMON, KANE! Love it.

Brie Bella v. Natalya
– Total Divas ENCORE immediately following RAW tonight! Yes!
– Nice discus clothesline by Natalya.
– Nikki distracts her with a duck whistle. Cool story.
– Match was pretty decent, though.

Non-title: Curtis Axel v. R-Truth
– Did Heyman say that he finds R-Truth “erotic”?
– Axel says he’s “more perfect than perfect”. That’s a good catchphrase, as a matter of fact.
– His finisher stinks, though.
– Crowd chants for Punk, so he obliges! Axel gets taken out and Heyman runs!
– Heyman LEAPS onto the ramp! Super impressive!

– Vince wants a champion like Triple H, just younger. Stephanie thinks Daniel Bryan needs a corporate makeover. Okay then.

Tables Match, Non-title: John Cena v. Ryback
– Ryback clearly hates tables, as he breaks one across the ring post.
– Awkward commercial break for a taped show.
– I love how Cena just knocks the shit out of the ring steps when he gets tossed into them.
– Cena rams Ryback into the edge of the ring and Ryback yells “my back!” Makes me wonder what they were planning with the whole quitting during the Miz match thing. They clearly thought better of whatever stupid shit they had in mind.
– Ryback with the classic “hide under the ring and come out the other side” tactic! I love it!
– Ryback kills another table, this time by smashing it with the steps!
– It’s a steel step standoff! This is awesome!
– Attitude Adjustment through the table in the corner! Cena wins!
– Not an all-time classic, but this match was incredibly fun and a great way to close the show.
– Bryan comes out and grabs Cena’s belt, ensuring him that it will be his come SummerSlam. Cena grabs it back as Bryan leads the crowd in “Yes!” chants.

Overall RAW Thoughts: It was long, as it tends to be, but the show was pretty good. Nothing spectacular or especially noteworthy, but it was a taped show. The wrestling was fine and I’m looking forward to the next few weeks of build for SummerSlam. Absolutely a thumbs up show, which is a far, far cry from the terribly lackluster borefests that have been prevalent for the vast majority of the 3-hour RAW era.

– What the heck sense would it make to have Stacy Keibler return to WWE to be paired up with Daniel Bryan? If you want to put her with anybody, why not use her to help out Fandango? She knows how to work a crowd and she can actually dance, unlike Summer Rae.

– Jesse Sorensen was released from TNA last week, causing quite a stir. It sucks what happened, but they didn’t owe the guy anything. He’s a very young kid and he has been able to wrestle again recently. I don’t think Jesse actually has sour grapes over the matter (I actually believe the “somebody else used my Twitter to bitch” excuse in this case) and I bet he will end up back in TNA in some capacity one day.

– Apparently Slammiversary only did 13,500 buys this year, down 7% from last year’s show. If that number is legit, it’s gotta be disappointing as hell. TNA TV has been very good for a while now and with the cut down on PPVs, they really need to have their “big 4” perform better. Yes, I know I’m stating the obvious. Maybe people really don’t want Sting to be main eventing PPVs in 2013.

– WWE is looking to get a new black top babyface. Not that it would have made any sense for them to have taken advantage of the multiple times Kofi Kingston has been ready to step up to the next level or anything.

– Kassius Ohno has been getting heat for not working on his physique. My initial reaction to it was to be annoyed, but to be fair his physique really is pretty crappy. Not saying that I’m in any shape be running around as an ass-kicker on TV with my shirt off, but Ohno looks like he’d bruise like a peach if you look at his stomach the wrong way, let alone wrestle him. He’s in great shape and he’s a really good wrestler and personality (and he has been receiving praise backstage for that) but if they’re asking him to work a little bit on the aesthetic part of it, dude really needs to dedicate a bit of his workout to doing so. It wouldn’t be a total transformation, just some toning.

– Dixie Carter released a statement on the status of TNA: “Everything is TOTALLY fine, guys!” Honestly I don’t think the company is going anywhere any time soon, but they need to start getting their shit together backstage. Getting rid of Pritchard will surely help, but they really need to cut all ties with Hogan. It’s very clear by now that his involvement with the company has done absolutely nothing to grow the brand. It was a nice thought and it certainly had the possibility of helping TNA become more nationally recognized, but it just hasn’t happened. Hogan definitely isn’t the big problem by any means, but he’s all over TV and is surely making far more money than he’s actually worth.

– The #August1 thing may have been spoiled by the TNA Twitter, who alluded to it being Adam Pearce. I think Pearce is great and I’d love to see him get picked up, but that would be quite the disappointment, even if this is a brand new and very short-lived little viral promotion they’re getting going. It’s not likely to get anybody to watch who wouldn’t otherwise, but it adds some excitement for the usual viewers, which in the long run can be helpful.

– They might have caught the guy that leaked PPV results! He promised he’d never ever do it again. I believe him!

All Japan Pro Wrestling

– Nicholas A. Marsico