Smart Marks 8.10.13: Man, That’s Dumb

Welcome back to another edition of Smart Marks. I’m Dino, and after a fun appearance in this week’s Top 5, we’re back to hit on a few things in the world of wrestling that I’ve deemed needing of attention.

Wanted: Nondescript wrestling announcer capable of calling a match without having blatant allegiances to either the heel or face side. Must be able to remember a minimum of four months of internal history. Must be able to connect the dots.

This Monday on RAW, when Kane appeared on the video and laid out his challenge to Bray Wyatt, he said he had a certain match in mind. Fire then exploded, and Michael Cole showed his worth as he asked (paraphrased as I can’t remember exactly) “What can this mean?!?”

*Sigh*. Cole… I don’t expect you to fucking remember every single bit of wrestling triviata like some of us lesser marks that you cater to. I don’t expect you to be able to recite match times from WrestleMania 17 or something ridiculous. I don’t even expect you to be able to name, in order, the men that have held the US Title since WWE brought it back in 2003. You know what I do expect from you, Cole?

I expect that when freaking KANE challenges someone to a match with FIRE involved, that perhaps, just maybe, you might be able to remember that Kane has wrestled in a match where fire was prominently featured- The Inferno Match- and that maybe you could venture THAT as a possible educated guess as to what this could mean. He’s wrestled in EVERY Inferno Match, so that might be something to take into consideration.

Cole seems to suffer from this inability to remember anything older than the last commercial break quite a bit. It happens when the Shield comes down and surrounds the ring and he’s unable to guess that perhaps the Shield is planning on attacking the person(s) in the ring at that time.

I should probably take a break here to clarify- I understand that Michael Cole is doing his job. I understand that 99.743% of what comes out of his mouth is Vince McMahon using him as a ventriloquists’ dummy. I understand that he probably can’t just hit his mute button quickly and like “Uh Vince, that’s gonna make me sound really stupid!” That’s why this plea isn’t directed towards Michael Cole. I’m just using him as a good example.

Let’s not forget that Mike Tenay, that self-described “Professor” of wrestling, also suffers from being a complete idiot when things are at their most obvious. This was highlighted just last night on Impact, when Taz and Mr. Anderson rushed the announce booth and hung out with Jeremy Borash. Borash played it straight, saying he’s there to do a job, and to call a match. There was no “what’s going on here?!” or “what do you think you’re doing?!” He was able to piece together that two guys from Aces & 8’s- a group that for nearly a year has tried to destroy TNA- coming to his table was probably not going to be a warm welcome. He was also smart enough to not try to be a tough guy or a funny guy, the way Tenay likes to do.

I guess my main point in that garbled mess is this: why can’t we have an intelligent play by play guy? Why does play by play always have to be a complete idiot who only sides with faces and never thinks things through? Why can’t we have a play by play guy who operates like a JBL- able to give props to wrestlers he may not like, will root for his favorites, but is also intelligent and able to piece things together using historical clues. I sometimes feel like I’m watching Blues Clues when Cole can’t at least guess that Kane is hinting at an Inferno Match (even if it’s not going to be an Inferno Match, that guess would be fair enough on its own), and instead he’s waiting for some kid to scream at the TV the correct answer.

The play by play guy is supposed to be the guy we relate to. Obviously there’s always been a Ventura, or Heenan, or Lawler, or Taz to make things interesting from the color aspect, but play by play is supposed to be treated like a real broadcaster. Wrestlers shouldn’t be threatening him. He’s just there to call the action. He should have no real vested interest in the participants, but can absolutely take offense to chicanery and marvel at unseen athleticism. Michael Cole and Mike Tenay (at least in his TNA, Constant Poop Face Iteration) are not people I can relate to. I don’t trust their calls. I don’t trust their opinions. In fact, I can pretty assume that if Cole is railing against something, he’s probably dead wrong. Another great example of this would be the Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes split. They preached heading into Money In The Bank that they were best friends, and nothing would split them up. If I remember right, Cole loudly mocked this, pointing out that there could only be one winner, and that it made no sense for them to want to stick together. Fast forward to Sandow cheating Cody out of the briefcase, and now Michael Cole is not only surprised that Damien Sandow, the class act of honesty and virtue that he is, sold out on his partner, but he’s surprised this happened AFTER HE BASICALLY SAID IT WOULD HAPPEN. How in the hell do you forget your own words? How are you surprised that a known bad guy would turn on anyone to win a chance at a Title match? You don’t have to be a kid to understand WHY Sandow would do that. Yet, week after week now, we hear Cole try to spin this into some shocking, dastardly deed.

I don’t mind if the Color Commentator screws up and looks dumb on occasion- that’s almost what he’s supposed to do. Having the main “voice” of the company be a bumbling idiot that can’t remember anything? That’s just entirely unacceptable.

Am I the only one who thinks it’s weird that currently, nearly every single guy in the Bound For Glory series would make a better champion than Chris Sabin? Take out Jay Bradley and Joseph Park, and I’d stand by that. And with Park, it’s clearly just because his character wouldn’t fit into being a champion. I’d obviously have no problem with, say, Abyss holding the title.

This also isn’t a knock on Chris Sabin. Like I said last week, I like the dude. Not a favorite, but I don’t hate him one bit, and I definitely dug seeing him win the championship.

But, in the two weeks since, it’s become clear that this was just another “reward” title reign, done to thank someone for years of service, instead of putting the belt on the hottest name, or biggest draw, or even best worker on the roster.

Chris Sabin as World Champion is really starting to feel ridiculous, which is good since it’s coming to an end next Thursday (feel free to mock me if I’m wrong). We can discuss why he got the belt all day long- give interest to a summer feud while BTG Series holds everything in place, attempt to elevate Sabin, attempt to elevate X Division- but it still feels like they made a kneejerk reaction, and nothing has been thought out. Chris Sabin wears the belt around his freaking chest, and it makes him look like a child. Is that how your #1 guy should be presented?

Worse, he’s being given the Randy Orton 2004 Face Push, where he’s scrappy and has adorable comebacks, but ultimately he’s going to get caught and beaten down by the big bad Bully. Having him defend the title against Manik last week, while a fun match, did nothing to help his stock in this sense. Why not defend against a bigger guy? Someone that a win for Sabin would be impressive? I expected him to beat Manik, and he did.

Again, this is less a knock on Chris Sabin, than it is a knock on a title reign that appears to be, with each passing second, a bad idea for a three week hotshot.

I’d take Bobby Roode, Daniels, AJ Styles, Austin Aries, Hernandez, Mr. Anderson and Magnus as champion over Chris Sabin any day. That goes quadruple for Samoa Joe. Sabin’s feud with Bully Ray has been fun, but this title reign did nothing but derail Bully Ray’s momentum, and all for a ‘thank you’ to a guy who gutted through back to back knee injuries.

The fact that he can’t cut a real promo never came to anyone’s mind. This usually doesn’t matter much, but Sabin comes off as a snot nosed kid most of the time, and it’s hard to root for someone as the best when all his talk is “no one believed in me because I’m too small!”

I almost hope Sabin DOES beat Bully Ray next week, just to see if he can get some actual momentum leading to a fun match at Bound For Glory. Probably not, and Sabin’s title reign will go down in history with Abyss, Raven, and Mr. Anderson’s world burning runs.

To close it out: I’m not excited about the prospect of Alberto Del Rio vs. Christian at SummerSlam. I know that’s going to piss off our friend at the end of this column, but this match screams basically anything BUT “Main Event Level Championship Match!” Del Rio has been doing his best to stay relevant since his ill-advised face turn last November, and his return to being a heel was so abrupt and out of nowhere (and done against Dolph Ziggler, who hardly qualified as a face at the time) that he still hasn’t commanded much attention. To then couple him with WWE’s greatest swimmer (as he’s successfully treaded water for two years now) in Christian just leaves me feeling really underwhelmed about the World Title match.

I know, I know- DANIEL BRYAN! JOHN CENA! CM PUNK! BROCK LESNAR! Still, couldn’t we have found someone better than the guy everyone knows is never holding a World Title again, unless another one of his friends has to retire due to injury and there’s a vacancy left at an upcoming show?

SummerSlam, to me, is the second biggest show of the year. You may feel it’s Rumble, or you may be one of those cool kids who thinks no show is bigger than any other, and that’s cool, too. I happen to think SummerSlam is the second biggest show, and should be treated as such. That’s not to say that bad matches should be banned from the show- I’ve seen Crush vs. Repo Man, Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez, and MVP vs. Chris Benoit- but we should at least try to add some intrigue to the matches for World Championships. I’m pretty sure that the only people who think Christian is walking out of SummerSlam with the gold are the guy in the video below, and the dude he calls on the phone. Huge missed opportunity to give Del Rio a better opponent, as Orton and even RVD were RIGHT THERE, but we went with Captain Charisma instead.

Ah well. I’m still gonna be there, watching the main event like a giddy little girl.

Well, I guess it’s time to hit the old dusty trail. Enjoy your weekend, enjoy your wrestling, enjoy yourselves.