Smart Marks 10.12.13: We Snack on Danger, and We Dine on Death!

Hello again, and welcome back to your weekend stop for some Wrestling Chat, Smart Marks! I’m Dino, and I’ll be your host.

This is an open letter to Hulk Hogan, and I’m most likely jumping the gun.

Welcome Home, Hulk. Welcome back to WWE. I understood why you had to do it- you and Vince had another pissing contest a few years back, you felt like you had to prove something, so you went down to Florida and gave TNA a try. Almost immediately, it was apparent what a bad move this was. The TNA fans hated you. They HATED you, man. Why? Because they’ve been conditioned to hate anything “WWE” related. Now, make no mistake, you weren’t universally hated in TNA, and that’s because some TNA fans are also, like me, just Wrestling Fans. But the loyal TNA fans, the ones that use hilarious terms like “WWEtard”? Yeah, they were not on board with just your mere presence.

But then you brought in the Nasty Boys. And reformed “The Band.” And got rid of Six Sides (ooh, that got you some anger). And whether or not you were actually in a Creative position to be held responsible for these changes or not, you were still held responsible for these changes.

And then there was Immortal. One of the dumbest groups I’ve seen, and I’ve watched TNA for a long time. This super group featured Jeff Hardy acting like a 15 year old girl who is angry with her parents and carrying around a championship so ugly, even John Cena’s spinner belt was like “Damn, Belt, you’re fucking ugly.” Ric Flair getting thrown into a hole. 10.10.10. Man, it was just so bad.

Then there was your “match” with Sting at Bound For Glory. Yowsa. Two of my all time favorites, and boy was that hard to watch. We’ve had to deal with you being the GM ever since, which also included the addition of your wonderful daughter in the Stephanie McMahon: No One Intimidates Me! mold where no Knockout, no matter how accomplished, could shake that snarky grin off your daughter’s face, because she’s just so tough, and just so sassy.

Really, the best part of your entire TNA term, in my opinion, was the addition of Option C. Being fair, however, the only thing you had to do with that was standing in the ring while Austin Aries came up with it.

The bottom line: Hulk Hogan in TNA has been a complete failure, and has only made two fanbases (Hulk Hogan’s fans, TNA fans) very angry in the process. He hasn’t helped TNA grow, which angers the TNA fans. He’s wasting his time, which angers the Hogan fans.

So, we’re glad you’re out of there. I’m glad you’re out of there. Now come back home. Show up at Mania 30. Beat up Jack Swagger, Antonio Cesaro, and Zeb. Show him how a REAL American acts. More than that, drive crazy the legions of people that hate you and wish you’d finally disappear forever. Make them curse your name, and bring up lazy jokes about how you once applied suntan lotion to your daughter. They’ll say whatever they can think of to ignore the fact that you’re still bigger than most of the people they root on today.

Hulkamania lives forever, Hulk. You just gotta make your way back to Stamford to realize it.

What do you guys think of a possible Hogan/WWE reunion? You know the drill- hit me up down in the comments!

This came up just last night while watching Impact- specifically the segment featuring ODB and Jessie Godderz- and I figured I’d bring it here. This is a logic question I have, not a moral one, so please don’t feel like I’m whining.

But seriously, in what world is it okay for Jessie Godderz to attempt to hurt ODB?

Before I continue, more clarifications- my anger does not come from the place that it’s wrong to hit a lady, even though I do subscribe to that line of thinking. Instead, my anger comes from the place that got Austin Aries in minor trouble for “bullying” Christy Hemme. My anger comes from the place where Daniels and Kaz (if memory serves) caught some trouble for once “intimidating” Dixie Carter on an episode of Impact.

Yes, I’m sure my more semantically enamored readers may point to the fact that ODB is much more capable of handling herself in this type of situation than a Dixie Carter or a Christy Hemme. Yes, they may point out that, especially in Dixie’s case, she was being bullied by more than one person, and that in Aries’ case, he was doing something completely unprovoked, whereas ODB has made a challenge.

However, this also reminds me of when Chyna was wrestling. While clotheslining Terri Runnels was totally over the line, Chyna taking a Stunner from Steve Austin was cheered. She was allowed to compete with the men. She was allowed to beat the men. ODB gets sort of the same treatment in TNA. Here’s where I get angry.

Is ODB “not” a lady? I don’t mean for this question to be answered with silly jokes about her being a man or something. My point is, shouldn’t I be just as offended at Jessie Godderz for wanting to beat up a woman as I was supposed to be at Austin Aries for putting his junk in Christy Hemme’s face?

Yes, yes- it’s wrestling. It’s stupid. It doesn’t make sense. I understand that. My problem is when we’re presented such differing viewpoints by the same company. When TNA tells us repeatedly that it’s unacceptable for a man to threaten a woman, and then turns around and hypes a segment where a man is going to threaten a woman, then I get mad. Is the assumption that a woman with muscles is not as deserving of the chivalrous treatment as the others? Or is it that if a woman looks big enough, then we as dudes should feel free to attack them?

Yes, those are stupid questions. That’s what happens when you do stupid things. If we’re going back to anyone can fight anyone, then fine, give me ODB vs. Jessie Godderz. But don’t act like man vs. woman is the worst thing in the world in the opening 20 minutes, and then 45 minutes later act like it’s totally cool because ODB can handle herself!

I know, I sound like quite the whiner, but damn it, it irritates me! Consistency, please!

Thoughts? Like watching dudes beat up chicks? Like watching chicks beat up dudes? Hate the inconsistency as much as I do? Hit the Comments!

To close out this week’s edition, I wanted to discuss a feature we do here weekly at 411, Wrestler of the Week. You may or may not have noticed (probably not), but since I returned here in May, I’ve yet to take part in this column. Not once. I don’t hate it. I don’t think it’s a stupid column. I actually enjoy reading the picks. Yet, I’ve still made a very conscious effort to not take part in it.

Why Dino? Why would you deprive us of YOUR thoughts as to who deserves to be named the Wrestler of the Week?! I can hear you all asking. Well, it’s pretty simple.

I personally hold the world view of wrestling that likens it to other sports like baseball or football. While there are countless numbers of talented players all over the world in all sorts of leagues, MLB and NFL represent the pinnacle of those sports here in America. Others may be more than happy to play in Japan, or Europe, or Canada, and they may win championships and make lots and lots of money. Still, I can’t help but think that at the end of the day, they’d still rather win a World Series ring instead of a AAA Championship or a Japanese League championship.

Right or wrong, I apply this line of thinking to wrestling. So, while someone winning the PWG Battle of Los Angeles is indeed a boost to the career of that particular wrestler, and while winning a regional championship is indeed quite an accomplishment… I still can’t help but feel that at the end of the day, the BoLA winner would still kill for five minutes of exposure on Monday Night Raw. In which case, Zack Ryder is still more of a Wrestler of the Week to me than the IWA: MidSouth champion.

This all boils down to how you judge things, for sure. My way of thinking isn’t the “right” way; it’s simply how I approach it. And it’s for this reason that I’ve stayed away from WotW. You can pretty much assume I’d list ANY five WWE guys over everyone else, because they’re actually in the big leagues. Losing in 10 seconds at WrestleMania is still a better week than winning seven indy titles, in my opinion. You can hate it, and I understand why you would. I really can see the other side of this. It’s why I don’t take part- I don’t want to be accused of being a troll just because we disagree. But much like we ignore AAA baseball players when handing out Player of the Week awards, I just can’t give props to the guys in the minors over the guys who have actually made it to the majors.

What do you guys think? Would you like to see a WotW list that had five of the lowest ranked guys in WWE, with the description of “Wrestled in WWE and made a ton more money than he would have elsewhere. Was also seen by way more people than he would have been seen elsewhere.” Because I’ll gladly join the ranks of the guys who get griped at week after week if you really want to see it. If you don’t, however… well, now you know why I never show up over there.

That should do it this week. I hope you all have a great weekend, and thank you for taking the time to read!

Until next time, enjoy your WWE, your TNA, your Lucha, your Puro, and your Indies.