The Side Russian News Sweep 11.06.13

Dobry vecher and welcome to the debut episode of The Side Russian News Sweep. I am the incredibly green newbie Chris Pilkington and I’ll be your humble hump-day host for the next couple of thousand words. Just like a virtual Nick and Matt Jackson I have point blank refused to electronically shake hands with any of the other writers on the site and as such I expect to have my laptop case defecated in sooner rather than later.

I’m not Russian, and as a human being it’s debatable as to whether I technically have any sides at all, but I think I know how to sweep the news! As this is my first ever column for 411mania, I’m sure that there will be some things that work and others that don’t so please make your voices heard through all the usual channels. Any feedback, good or bad, is greatly received. Basically anything that validates my existence is fine by me.

Before I get onto the main news section though, please allow me to introduce you to the hottest warm up act in the business today, my right hand man, my confidante and my one time lover, the one and only Gorilla Monsoon.

“Oh my, what an honor to be here! This truly is a happenin’!

So, have you heard about this Impact 365 idea? TNA wrestlers are now making home movies and posting them online. Good call on letting Hulk Hogan’s contract expire BEFORE starting this up. Bubba the Love Sponge only has so much video tape y’know. Speaking of Hogan, apparently he’s verbally agreed to a new contract with WWE for another run. Another run? With the condition of his body we’re looking at a brisk stroll at best. Hogan hasn’t run anywhere since that time he trained Mean Gene and force fed him eggs.

The Hulkster is, of course, heavily featured in WWE2K14’s WrestleMania mode. With the success of this and WWE13’s Attitude Era mode, the developers are already hard at work trying to make something just as impressive for WWE2K15. Here are the current top three suggestions.

Number Three: Total Divas Mode

You control “veteran” Brie Bella, who must pull faces until Daniel Bryan buys a bigger house.

Number Two: Best For Business

See how many ways you can screw over the hottest Superstar of the decade!

Number One: Forgetting Chris Benoit

Use your created wrestler and compete in every Chris Benoit PPV match ever as a photograph of The Crippler holding the Heavyweight Championship slowly fades away.

That’s all from me for this week folks! Enjoy the rest of the show!”

Thanks Gorilla. I look forward to another of your zany Mon-ologues next week. On with the Sweep!

-It seems that TNA have ended their brief flirtation with Ohio Valley Wrestling, almost exactly two years since the working relationship was first announced. With the ongoing tightening of TNA’s financial belt, running a developmental system does seem a touch extravagant. All TNA wrestlers have been told to report back to Orlando for further instructions. I really hope this isn’t the end for people like Rockstar Spud and The Blossom Twins, who have worked almost exclusively for OVW despite being TNA contracted talent. Spud in particular is a talent and a half.

-Whilst on the subject of TNA, it’d be remiss of me not to mention the news story that just won’t go away…Billy god damn Corgan. It’s been covered extensively elsewhere so I’ll try not to waffle on too much, but one update that did catch my eye was the story that Corgan has a “wealthy friend” looking to help with the finances.

A little rummaging reveals that Chicago resident Corgan, or CM Pumpk as he likes to be known, is a personal friend of Dennis Rodman who has been involved in wrestling projects in the past but doesn’t have any real financial muscle. Corgan is also friends with former ice hockey star Chris Chelios who is certainly a better option financially but may not have the desire for pro wrestling. Could either or perhaps both men be helping Corgan to buy into TNA? Probably not, but I need to invent at least one ludicrous rumor in my column debut. Just remember you heard it here first!

-On second thoughts, please ignore that last paragraph. I’d hate to get on the wrong side of Janice Carter on my first day on the job. In a recent TNA memo, Janice stated that she doesn’t respond to rumors. Then she responded to all the rumors. Who’s writing this, Vince Russo? JC said:

An unfortunate aspect of this business is that there are wrestling “reporters” who consistently post “news stories” without proper facts. I want to assure you that these are just rumors and I am committed to TNA and its future.

Further on in the memo she claimed to be looking forward to her trip to Korea to watch Rodman dunk all over Kim Jong Un. How do you like that “news story” Carter?

-WWE is making a cartoon! For adults! Wait, what? Yes, according to the press release, Camp WWE is:

“…an irreverent new, adult comedy series about what the biggest, most outrageous WWE Superstars® were like as kids.”

An image of Vince McMahon, CM Punk and Sheamus was also released. I think if Vince ever drew a picture of himself, that’s pretty much exactly how it would turn out.

Well at least we know they’ll be able to market this. Remember back in the late nineties when every other wrestler wore a South Park shirt and Golga used to carry around a Cartman doll? It’s a shame Isaac Hayes isn’t around to sing an innuendo laden theme tune for Vince to dance to. (Skip to 1:50 for the best Vince dance ever.)

-You know that weird commercial break that happened towards the end of Raw this past Monday? Apparently, it wasn’t planned. Or, at least, it wasn’t expected by any of the performers in the ring. According to reports, Triple H was incredibly annoyed and actually grabbed a production headset to find out what was going on during the commercials. As of yet it is unclear exactly how this major miscommunication came about but I think it could have at least partially been caused by an overrun in the Divas match prior.

As our very own Nick Marsico pointed out in his excellent column yesterday, there was an audible cry of “we’re going home.” very early on in the Divas tag match. Was that the queue to finish things up? And if so, why did the match continue at that point and did that cause problems with the commercial break timings later in the show? If that is the case, I certainly wouldn’t want to be in the shoes of any of the six Divas involved. If any of them suddenly have their TV time cut…now you know why.

Free (British) Wrestling

Remember that time I told you I wasn’t Russian? Turns out, I’m not American either. I’m a bloody Limey, Pommy, Brit! A little bit of me died inside forever when I changed my word document settings to US English. Anyway, as a no good Englishman, I have a penchant for the professional wrestling that takes place on this side of the pond. In fairness, there’s nothing much left that distinguishes the US from the UK “style,” but good wrestling is good wrestling wherever it is.

With that in mind, I’d like to introduce you over the coming weeks to some of the promotions that I enjoy that you may not have heard too much about. I’m going to start with my local company, PCW. Preston City Wrestling has quickly become one of the most talked about and high profile wrestling promotions in the country. In fact, former boxer Riddick Bowe is set to wrestle his first ever match there next year.

The match I want to share with you is one that I was fortunate enough to see live, and whilst some of the magic is invariably lost through the camera lens, it still holds up as a great encounter. It’s the age old battle of tassles vs horns, Yorkshire vs California. The Young Bucks vs Project Lucha

The Week in Pictures

How was it for you?

And so we come to the end of the road. We’ve shared a few laughs along the way, maybe learnt a thing or two, we’ve even seen Vince dance. Yes, there were horribly outdated references, a poop joke and a crass nod to Chris Benoit, but isn’t that what life is all about? Sometimes you’re a 4/10, sometimes you’re a solid B+, but at the end of the day always remember that Cesaro is considerably better than you.