The 411 Wrestling Top 5 11.20.13: Week 243 – The Top 5 Fantasy Survivor Series Teams

5. The Dungeon- Bret “Hitman” Hart, Owen Hart, Chris Benoit, Lance Storm and Chris Jericho. – Virtually every guy to ever be trained out of the famous Calgary shrine has gone on to prove how good they are in the ring. Here is a sample of not just lineage but history. The Harts as a wrestling family are 2nd to none when it comes to legacy and them teaming is a no brainer. Though people fear the idea of a Chris Benoit mention, he will forever remain in my top three if not number 1 favorite wrestlers when it comes to work rate. Lance Storm is the most underrated workers to never get that FULL RUN as a major star though his time in WCW as a three belt holding son of a gun was pretty awesome. And finally Y2J, our savior of the new millennium. These five would make for an epic SS team and me being Canadian makes this coupling even more awesome. We breed more then just Hockey players.

4. Chicago Pride- CM Punk, One Man Gang, The Road Warriors and Lex Luger w/ Bobby “The Brain” Heenan – 5 men billed from Chicago or born just outside of it all together on one team. I spent a lot of time in ChiTown and have grown to love the city as a 2nd home when going to school and having a SS team to represent it only makes sense, granted a fantasy SS team but I will take what I can get. CM Punk is currently the Chicago poster boy and though currently he is super banged up right now he bleeds this city with a work rate like nobodies business. OMG is like oh my god a necessary component if a Chicago based team is to be formed. I mean he is the original big bad from the streets and every team needs a big man and a bully. The Legion of Doom are arguably the greatest tag team of all time and when push comes to shove I would want LOD in my corner. And finally though he does not fit so to speak with the rest of the crew, Lex Luger throughout his career was billed as a Chicago native and though he actually is not I am working kayfabe here and Lex Luger is a bonafide, underrated future HOF. Champion, Big Man, Tag Brawlers and HOF, good mix. Oh lest us not forget the greatest manager of all time at ringside. Was born in Chicago though billed from Cali.

3. Team Body- “Superstar” Billy Graham, Jesse “The Body” Ventura, “Ravishing” Rick Rude, “Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner and Rick “The Model” Martel with Buff Bagwell as cheerleader What would be more hilarious then trying to watch 5 guys obsessed with themselves trying to co-exist? I am laughing just thinking about it. Originally I had Lex Luger as The Narcissists in here but I had to forego that to put him in my Chicago Team. Also I did think to put Chris Masters in there but he just did not make the cut. So we have the original body con man who talked the talk and walked the walk with the body of an Adonis and the mouth of prick. Then the inspired follows suit as Ventura always said he was Graham when he competed in the ring if not a poor imitation of him. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, old guard and new. Rude of course is the standing gate for upping the ante by actually taunting girls around the ringside area and stripping down for our pleasure. Steiner is the shining beacon of transformation from blue collar athlete to genetic freak and Big Bad Booty Daddy is here, holla if you hear me. And finally with his sprayer of Arrogance in tow the Model I think would be the perfect anchor for the team.

2. Demon Talkers Jake “The Snake” Roberts, Raven, Waylon Mercy, Brian Pillman and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper – 4 of the best talkers to never reach the big one and one creepy as all hell skyskraper on one team. These guys just had a way of being able to channel a crazy side of the audience that both made them gifted on the mic and confusing enough and intimidating enough to their enemies. To this day I believe if not for Hogan politicking his way to remain on top both Jake Roberts and Roddy Piper would be former World Champs, easy. Jake himself is a walking demon both to himself and to his brethren. Raven is of course a world weary and jaded soul both as in he is both strikingly intelligent and his own worst enemy. He always needed people of the same ilk to surround himself with as a way of coping with his own insolent fears and his pontificating was 2nd to none to those that would listen. Though he had a short tenure on the end of his career Don Spivey (Mercy) was always a solid worker and when introduced to WWE audiences as Waylon Mercy he added a whole new dynamic to end his career on, you know what I mean? The Loose Cannon was crazy good when allowed to let loose and during his latter days of WCW and WWE career he proved he was the Kurt Cobain if you will of the wrestling world, a man good with words but his own worst enemy. And finally the screw loose that was/is Piper. I think with these guys all on the same side the promos would be EPIC!

1. Team Big Time Boogey Woogey- Rikishi, PN News, Brodus Clay and Men on a Mission w/ Oscar & The Funkadactyls – Every event needs a hilarious joke team so why not put 5 350lb. plus guys who love to dance together in one ring? Almost a ton of funk who could resist.

JACK STEVENSON
Note: We were permitted to use any wrestlers we wanted, but with so much choice I’d come up with like 15 different squads, so I limited myself to wrestlers who had actually wrestled at Survivor Series events. I very nearly broke that rule to include Sami Zayn in my Number 2 team, but I feared I’d then start rethinking all my picks and that way madness lies.

5. THE MEGASTARS- Hulk Hogan (Team Captain), Randy Savage, Dusty Rhodes, The Rock & John Cena – The concept for this team is ‘Hulk Hogan, and people who I imagine could have teamed with Hogan at the Summerslam 1988 PPV had they possessed the requisite popularity at the time.’ Randy Savage was an obvious choice because he teamed with Hulk Hogan at the Summerslam 1988 PPV, and also because he’s fantastic. Dusty Rhodes comes in at third because I’d have loved to have seen he and Hulk team in the WWF. The Rock is perhaps a little too edgy for the concept but would have been a wonderful, eccentric addition to the pre-match promos. John Cena makes it five by playing the Ultimate Warrior role of the young steamroller with the potential to possibly usurp Hogan himself one day. These five would thwart Bobby Heenan multiple times in the late 1980s, and, as I’ve alluded to earlier, cut some of the most off the wall promos you’d ever hear. They’re a bit too obvious a unit to go any higher, but they’d be wonderful fun.

4. THE SCIENTISTS- Bret Hart, Mr. Perfect, William Regal, Dean Malenko & Daniel Bryan (Team Captain) – It’s fairly easy to see what links these guys- pristine technical skill. They’d get you on the mat and stretch your body until you’re too pained to move. Daniel Bryan is perhaps a controversial choice as team captain but Bret Hart never seemed like a natural Survivor Series leader to me, he was too reserved. Bryan matches him in mat skills and also has the outward enthusiasm to lead men into battle.

3. OOZING FLAIR- Ric Flair (Joint Team Captain), Razor Ramon (Joint Team Captain), Chris Jericho, Eddie Guerrero & CM Punk – Ric Flair is the obvious choice to captain this team, filled with brash, flamboyant personalities who can more than back it up on the mat, but I liked the name ‘Oozing Flair’ because it sums up what unifies these five, and for it to work I kind of had to make Razor Ramon captain. These guys would work the opening match on an early nineties Survivor Series and provide the show’s only worthwhile moments with dazzling individual displays of charisma, technical skill, and in some cases jaw-dropping aerial ability. Then, Ramon and Flair would fall out over which captain is more of a captain than the other, and the whole team would dizzolve into tremendous, ego-driven chaos. They’d probably all get counted out and Tito Santana would win by default. But he’d have no right to feel proud of his team’s display, because Oozing Flair would already have disposed of his partners, Marty Jannetty, The 1-2-3 Kid & The Prime Time Players, in a near clean sweep. That’s Oozing Flair- phenomenal in ring talents, but remember; no match is bigger than the man.

2. THE RICKY MORTONS- Ricky Steamboat, Ricky Morton (Team Captain), The Hardy Boys & Rey Mysterio – It would be the job of the Ricky Mortons to get beaten all around the ring while teenage girls sobbed with dismay. Then, one of them (probably Ricky Morton, though Jeff Hardy would also be a good show) would make the hot tag and Ricky Steamboat, or maybe Matt Hardy would come in and clean house. There’d be a white hot finishing stretch in which all five of them flew around the ring, beating and getting beaten, the arena would come unglued, and then somehow they’d eliminate all five of their opponents in quick succession, which I usually hate but seems kind of appropriate for these hyper talented, hyper sympathetic punching bags who always manage to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.

1. THE ENFORCERS- Arn Anderson (Team Captain), Demolition, Vader & Finlay – FEAR THIS TEAM. Imagine getting mauled by Finlay, battered and bruised and tortured, and squinting through the pain across the ring to see Vader and Demolition waiting for you. Demolition, incidentally, are included ahead of the Road Warriors because I’m a Demolition guy over the Road Warriors. And Arn Anderson next to them, calmly directing traffic with only his eyes, the definition of calm and menace, “I’m going to spinebuster you and you’re not going to get up but it’s no big deal” written across his face. This team would mangle and pummel without remorse. They’d probably end up losing to the Megastars, but it wouldn’t matter, because all wrestling fans deep down don’t want to and don’t believe they could be Hulk Hogan- but with Arn Anderson, there’s something there. No matter how brutal it got, you’d enjoy it on some level when the violence is being dished out by these guys.