News to Start Your Weekend 10.27.06

Oh, and since I said it… this is the

RETURN OF ASSIGNMENT AMERICA~!11!!1!1!11!!1!1!

The aforementioned name of that X Division schmozz is, to me, the greatest name for any match ever. There have been, however, a ton of wacky gimmick matches in the past, and surely many have had some good names. Now, I’m not looking for the most outlandish gimmick or the best match or whatever, I’m talking name only. Does any name for any wrestling match that has actually happened match up to the Kevin Nash Open Invitational X Division Gauntlet Battle Royal for Bound for Glory? You tell me.

SEND SOME EMAILS IF YOU THINK SOMETHING WAS BETTER~!

Ya know, I think I intended to rename that concept months and months ago when I first decided to use it, but then I didn’t. Maybe I should call it ASSIGNMENT WORLD~!, since I don’t only want people who live in America to send me some feedback. So yeah, do that, world.

So with the lack of a segue – wait a second, I’ve got one… I want you people from all over the world, even those of you not from America, to send in some names of matches. Speaking of people not from America… Claudio Castagnoli received a tryout in Deep South last week.

Now THAT is a segue. I’m anticipating many pats on the back for that one.

Surely this is a good thing for Mister Castagnoli (there’s an ‘i’ at the end of his name, by the way, you copy-and-pasters out there… check things before you post them, please. It’s just laziness), maybe not creatively, but for money and exposure it’s a great thing for him. I hear that WWE showed some interest in Chris Hero as well. I really wish I could expand, but I can’t seem to figure out the joke that would work here. I’m sure it’s there, but I’m just not on it right now. Oh well.

Want another segue? I’m not even going to be smooth about it. I just spoke about WWE’s interest in two guys, and now I’m going to speak about WWE’s interest in another guy. Monty Brown is no longer contracted to work for TNA, and Vince apparently likes his mic work. I rule at segues. So did Simon Dean.

He rode a Segway to the ring. See what I did?

Here’s a weak segue. I was speaking about WWE and their interests for hire, and somebody left last week, and now somebody has been hired to be put in his place. Jimmy Garvin left the SmackDown creative team and is no longer an agent (or producer, as they’re calling them now), and Tully Blanchard has been hired to take his place.

Man, these segues are simple this week. In other hiring/firing news, Monty Brown was at RAW on Monday in negotiations with the E, and Psicosis has now officially been let go after his incident in Mexico.

I’m not even going to bother any more. Eddie Colon, Carlito’s brother, has been hired by the E. I’ve never seen him wrestle, but he’s part of the Colon family, so I’m sure he’s good.

Speaking of people who are from a family with a history in wrestling, WWE dot com has an article up to introduce us to Harry Smith. So he’s not going to be on Hogan Knows Best? Thank God. I wonder when he finally shows up on TV. Well, for a second time. His debut was back in May or June when ECW was invading RAW before One Night Stand II. He was one of the guys from RAW who rushed out to chase the ECW guys away. Now that is the way you debut someone with the potential to be a huge future star. Move aside, Randy Orton. You suck.

Moving away from WWE for a moment, the new upstart MTV promotion I’ve been pretty interested in since the inception of the idea for it, WSX is beginning to tape episodes for their show, which has been picked up and will air eventually, I gather. They’re going to start shooting in November, and alongside guys like Matt Sydal, Jack Evans, Sean Waltman, and Human Tornado (fuck Teddy Hart) will be a little international flavor with Masato Yoshino and Genki Horiguchi from the Dragon Gate promotion and Steven Lyndon who is BRITISH~! Also, 2 time former CZW World Heavyweight Champion Ruckus. Good times. I’ve been anticipating this for quite a while. Hopefully this damn show actually comes on the air before 2007.

Speaking more about things other than the E (fuck, I’m FANTASTIC at these segues today), TNA’s getting ready to blow their load on Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe next month at the Genesis PPV. Way to know how to build for the future, guys. LAX vs. AMW will also contend for the Tag Titles in a battle of the acronyms and Sting will take on the winner of a ridiculous tournament that began on iMPACT this week. In fact, it’s probably going on as I write this sentence. And this one. And this one. And this one. Maybe not this one. Definitely the ones before that last one, though. Maybe there was a commercial, so maybe it’s once again going on for this one. And this one. And this one. And this one.

I’ll keep going.

And this one. And this one. And this one. Not this one, though. Wait, I’m mistaken, definitely that one, and this one. And this one. And this one.

Completely switching gears (and that one, and this one), RVD said on his website that he is proud of the new ECW. I wonder if he was proud of the Test/Holly match from this past Tuesday. Holy hell did I ever enjoy that.

Is it okay to do a segue from something that I wrote 6 paragraphs ago? No? Oh well. In other news having to do with being on or off wrestling shows, Jim Cornette will be taking some time off after the 11/4 ROH show in Philly, because he’s been working sick since September. He’ll show up at the November and December TNA PPVs as well as the iMPACT tapings that will immediately follow them, but won’t work any dates otherwise.

Someone who not only won’t be showing up at any ROH or TNA shows but also not on any WWE shows is Dave Taylor, who tore his meniscus in his left knee at Tuesday’s SmackDown taping. He’s going to have surgery and will be gone for 4 to 6 months. Do you think he’s actually going to be coming back after that or will they just scrap the whole thing? It’s a shame, really. He is coming up on 50, though, and hasn’t been as active as a guy like Ric Flair. It was a nice thought, but I don’t expect him to come back from this. I wouldn’t shun it, though.

Insert segue here. Ted DiBiase and Tim Horner are no longer agents/producers with the E.

Elsewhere on the spectrum, Daniel Puder still wants to fight Kurt Angle. What else is new? You’re just beating a dead horse, man.

And this one. And this one. And this one. And this one.

Kim (not Jong) Ill passed away. Yeah, I know it’s a different spelling, but I wanted to make the joke. I’ve barely ever heard of Ill, but I felt I needed to do it. I don’t care that it sucked. I had to.

And this one.

That’s all the news, and this is

The Television Section

RAW wasn’t terribly offensive but it wasn’t worth watching.

ECW was decent, but had one glaring problem/piece of beautiful perfection. Yes, they’re one in the same.

Not this one, though, or the last few, because iMPACT just ended a couple minutes ago.

The Test vs. Bobcore match. Holy shit. Oh my God. Holy shit, just holy shit. 13 minutes. They gave that MONSTROSITY 13 full fucking minutes. I recognized fairly early that it was a bad match, even though going into it I was looking forward to something at least halfway decent. I will say that the complete lack of crowd support overall from the audience in Saint Louie certainly didn’t help, but that can absolutely not be used as an excuse for what these two men did in and around that ring on Tuesday night. It was truly an incredible sight. About 8 or 9 minutes into the match, the crowd had already grown restless, and at every plausible near fall there was a quite audible collective groan, and the booing you heard wasn’t because Test kicked out. Well, it was, but it wasn’t because he’s a bad guy, it was because the match wasn’t over.

But as I was saying, about 8 or 9 minutes into the match I began to realize that it had quite possibly reached the status of one of the worst matches I’ve ever seen. They went out there and they died. They died a horrible, shameful, miserable death in that ring, and it just got worse and worse as it went on. That said, I enjoyed it increasingly with every misstep and blown spot and I became quite giddy and joyful as the match continued. Hell, I didn’t want the damn thing to end, because it went into the infamous territory of “it’s so bad it’s good”, and everybody loves it when that happens. So yeah, I really don’t have anything to finish this on, I just felt it was completely necessary to stress just how bad (therefore how good) this match turned out to be. I’m definitely saving that one for my own personal future enjoyment.

In SmackDown news, here’s the card for tonight’s show:

William Regal & David Taylor vs. Tatanka & Bobby Lashley
Gregory Helms vs. Matt Hardy
Mr. Kennedy vs. Kane
Trick or Treat Diva Battle Royal
John Cena & Batista vs. King Booker & Big Show

A lot less wrestling than usual here. That’s a shame.

In TNA television stuff, I haven’t seen anything from this week. Lance Storm has read the spoilers, saw or read the results of Bound for Glory and follows TNA and he’s not a fan of the illogical and silly booking. He speaks about it in his latest commentary. I whole heartedly agree with Lance, although I am looking forward to seeing the reverse battle royal, much for the same reason I enjoyed Test versus Bobcore.

Stuff To Check Out

– Team Game Online
Just check it out, would you? Plenty of good stuff there, including the forums, and there’s a lot more goodness on the way

– RocketBusta Radio
Hey, Ari Berenstein listens! Listen this week to hear my voice, and then listen next week, possibly without me (unless we pre-tape the show), but definitely with an interview with Eddie Kingston. November 4 – Bustapiece Theatre with Eddie Kingston. Enjoy.

– Ask 411 Wrestling by Steve Cook
You ask questions, he answers them. This is one of those columns that I don’t read weekly, but that I really enjoy when I do.

– Just S’pose by Ron Gamble
What if there never was a Hulk Hogan?

– The Column of Honor by Ari Berenstein
This is just a fantastic column, and it’s really, really good and also quite funny this week. I barely talked any Ring of Honor this week, but that’s what his whole column is all about. The stuff about the Briscoe Brothers is classic.

– The Fink’s Payload by Matt Sforcina and Nick Marsico
We speak about the Women’s Championship Tournament in the latest edition. Read it because I wrote it. Well, some of it. Just go.

– Paul R. Nelson
He’s Paul R. Nelson, and he likely doesn’t approve of this message.