MeeThinks 10.31.06: A Halloween Spooktacular!

This week, we’re breaking from our normal format in the spirit of the season. After all, it’s HALLOWEEN, folks! And since I can’t e-mail you candy – the least we could do is to honor that *other* part of this spooktacular spectacle, right?

Yup – that means this week, MeeThinks is showing some love for the best (and worst) pro wrestling costumes of the past year-shy-of-a-quarter-century (I’d do a full 25 – but I figured 24 is more appropriate since I turn 24 this weekend, ya’ know)!

So sit back, grab your ghoul (har har har) and enjoy a spooktacular trip down memory lane as we share some good-old-fashioned positive vibes and spin a few yarns on those classic wrasslin’ costumes of yesteryear, no?

Rock & roll.

In honor of the holiday, we’ll kill the usual format and go “in costume” in a top-ten-approach through the tricks, treats, highs and lows of costumed grapplers of yesteryear.

Let’s get to it!

10: Dusty’s Disguise, 1983

The original “bad gimmick” disguise and still one of the best, Dusty Rhodes’ classic 1983 alter-ego of The Midnight Rider easily ranks as one of the most entertaining shticks in pro wrestling history.

Didn’t catch it the first time around? Here’s the skinny…

Imagine a masked man with the same mannerisms, hand gestures, vocal inflection and wrestling style of a hugely popular and instantly recognizable world champion… but then have the masked man disavow all knowledge of his alter ego! As laughable a “mind game” as this might seem, the ploy worked brilliantly as Dusty’s other-self wreaked havoc with opponents’ gameplans in the NWA for the latter-half of 1983.

Simple though the act is, The Midnight Rider was a great in-joke template (later borrowed by such acts as Hulk Hogan/Mr. America, Owen Hart/Blue Blazer, etc.), and it exemplified the pro wrestling answer to the age-old suspension-of-disbelief “Clark Kent Paradox” (because really, how *stupid* does one have to be in order to be thrown off by a simple pair of eyeglasses?).

So this one’s for YOU, Midnight Rider… or, “American Dream, if you wheeeeeeel!”

9: Piledriver, 1987

It’s official – from Killer Bees to Storm Troopers to Halloween costume balls to – yes – pro wrestling music videos, the 80’s was a *strange* time to be a fan of professional wrestling indeed.

Attempting to cash in on the crossover success that his WWF had seen when paired with the burgeoning MTv just several years earlier, Vince McMahon siezed on the opportunity to cross-promote his product to “mainstream” media by way of “Piledriver” – an ENTIRE ALBUM filled with wrestlers (yes, wrestlers) SINGING their favorite often in-house-composed) hits. And since EVERYBODY who was anybody in the 80’s music scene HAD to have themselves a music video (cuz’ “Video Killed the Radio Star,” ya’ know”) – Vinny Mac rolled out a full order of WWF music videos to help move some extra cassettes.

Remember that Vince McMahon “Stand Back” video dX rolled out earlier this year? Yup, that was part of Vin Man’s ill-fated wrestlers-as-singers campaign. How ’bout the Match-O Man music video (“Get ‘cher hearrrt a pumpin’ / He gets the bahhh-dee jumpin’/ He’s the Match-o Mayyy-ayyyunnnnn / DIGIT!!! DIGIT!!!”)? Yup, that was another. Don’t forget Slick’s “Jive Soul Brotha’,” replete with plenty of close-ups of a jive-talkin’ black man in a pencil-gray suit chompin’ down on (what else?) fried chicken. And WHO said wrestling was ever racially insensitive, eh?

Sigh…

Anyhow –

Of all those oh-so-memorable music videos, however, perhaps none were wierder than the album’s title track: Koko B. Ware’s “Piledriver.”

The long and short of it – WWF babyfaces (like The Hulkster, Superstar Billy Graham, Koko B. Ware, Magnificent Muraco and others) were cast as a construction-yard full of contractors (complete with wife-beaters and hard-hats), while resident WWF baddies (Honkey Tonk Man, Jimmy Hart, etc.) rolled through their job site and attempted to start some trouble. Meanwhile, longtime WWF backstage-r Arnold Skaaland played the role of the site’s foreman whilst (then-)WWF announcer Vince McMahon snacked away on a ham sammich and oogled over a cavalcade of passerby cuties donning acid-washed cutoffs and some SWEET high-feathered hairdos.

(Cue Spuds McKenzie music) – “Oh YEEEEAH!”

And JUST when you think things couldn’t get any smoother – resident WWF-undercarder Koko B. Ware spent the bulk of the video serenading us with the finer points of an extended wrestling-meets-romance metaphor, singing:

“Sometimes love! It sounds like a fight!
It sounds like an ar-ga-ment! It sounds just like… a PILEDRIVER!”

And THAT, folks, is why the ’80’s ruled.

8: Satrang’s Spirit Squad, 2006

Switching gears from the “glory days” to the modern day, this next entry comes to us from faithful 411 reader Mark Satrang – who (possibly in a moment of PROFOUND inebriation) – recently conscripted a quartet of his buddies and hit the road to visit Monday Night RAW while dressed in full Spirit Squad regalia. Dunno what drove them to it, but I definitely admire both their courage and their commitment to the joke.

So – do allow Mee present this one in traditional MasterCard style, eh?

Green Adidas Track Pants: $30.00 each

Terrycloth Headbands: $5.00 for a pack of five

Under Armour Body Gear: $25.00

Making it to National Television While Dressed as a Quintet of Male Cheerleaders: Priceless.

7: Ice, Ice Cena, 2002

Question: How does one bad Halloween costume accidentally give birth to one of the most inexplicably marketable stars in modern professional wrestling memory?

Answer: Ice, Ice Cena, Smackdown! 2002.

Pre-taped and overgimmicked to the point where the remainder of the show would easily be forgotten (as was the case for *much* of Smackdown! from 2002 through 2003) – nobody in their right mind would have thought that WWE’s 2002 Halloween-week broadcast of Smackdown! might well have been responsible for birthing what would become the company’s single most marketable star. Yup, the gimmick affectionately known as “John Cena: White Rapper” was actually an outgrowth of “‘Da Champ’s” one-off appearance in a laughably gauche Vanilla Ice getup.

Prior to the Halloween show, Cena was treading midcard water after a close-call debut match or two against Kurt Angle. Though the kid had a good look and a decent moveset (believe it or not), Cena was pretty well stuck in Smackdown! obscurity as older pros clogged the top of the show’s card.

Until Halloween, that is.

Once Cena donned his white-man’s box and his full-out Vanilla apparel, it was only natural for viewers to expect this white boy wannabe to attempt a freestyle rap or two (not that we were expecting much, of course – for after all… he *IS* a white boy from suburbia, ya’ know). Yet much to fans’ surprise, Cena actually proved QUITE capable when “spittin’ his rhymes” – and within days of the show’s broadcast, news of “that guy dressed like Vanilla Ice” quickly infiltrated the usual circles faster than Ron Simmons could say “DAMN,” and Cena’s battleraps soon became the must-see reason to check out the blue brand.

The rest, as they say – is history… but here’s a MeeThinks shout-out to white-rapper John Cena, WWE’s last great Halloween treat!

6: Mr. America, 2003

Remember the Midnight Rider?

Remember the Blue Blazer?

Now just throw THE single most popular WWF/E performer of all time under a spiffy little blue mask, and *presto* you’ve got yourselves a Midnight Rider redux.

Hey look – it was 2003, ok? Cut them some slack here. If you think WWE’s programming borders on the mind-numbing today, all you need to do is flash back three years or so and you’ll soon discover just how bad things could still be if WWE was in the same creative toilet that spawned Katie Vick, Al Wilson, Billy & Chuck, and – yup – Mr. America.

I think the less said on this one, the better – but MeeThinks I’d be remiss to leave The Hulkster’s (least) famous alter-ego off of any list that attempted to award some of the best (and worst) Halloween-y getups in wrestling history.

5: “WWF Halloween” Bar Party, 2004

I have no idea *who* these guys are or exactly *what* inspired them all to don constumes of some of the squared circle’s most decorated grapplers – but I thank all things holy that these fellas had the balls to go through with it. You can view the rest of their photos at this website for proof, but MeeThinks it’s BEYOND awesome that not just one but ALL of these gents were still in full costume by night’s end. No wussing out because it was cold, no throwing on a pair of track pants to cover up the compression shorts, and absolutely no cop-out painted on muscle bodysuits to shield them from the elements (I’m looking at YOU, Giant Gonzales!!!).

So let’s see who we’ve got in this photo above, shall we? Maybe even hand out a few prizes, while we’re at it…

From the back row, we’ve got the obligatory Stone Cold Steve Austin-stand-in. A solid showing, but he’s WAY too obvious, so no prizes there. In the bottom right of the corner (next to Batman and Robin, who I believe the gang ran into at the bar itself, judging by the other photos), we have The Rock. Again, a decent likeness – but loses points for sporting the bull tattoo on the wrong arm. Next!

Old-school stinger is next, and though he’s lookin’ mighty sharp in my humble opinion – it’s almost *too* easy to just paint your face, ya’ know? So he’s out, as is the front-row Warrior (because honestly now, who HASN’T dressed up as old Warrior Warrior from time to time?). Sargeant Slaughter comes next, but other photos make him look WAY too much like Officer Rod Farva from Super Troopers, so I’ll haveta’ pass there.

Piper scores major points for donning what appears to be a homemade shirt and kilt combo, but I’m gonna have to write him off with Hogan and Savage as among the most “predictable” costumes of the lot – so sorry, gents. Mick Foley (complete with Mr. Socko) likewise gets eliminated for similar reasons.

That leaves us with just three (the Indian fella is not supposed to be a wrestler, so he’s out. And sadly, so is that cutie female officer in the front row). But yes – just four remain: Ted DiBiase (behind John Redcorn), Jake Roberts (see the sack on his back way over on the left?) and the big man, King Kong Bundy (rocking the singlet just to Batman’s left). Bundy comes close to winning the MeeThinks prize-o-the-day… but ultimately comes up short since he wimped out and wore a stocking over his head instead of shaving it. It’s called commitment to the gimmick, my friend!

Ted Dibiase easily wins for the toughest shtick to pull off out of the group (after all, skimpy black tights, a scruffy chin and a few dollar bills could be one of any NUMBER of costumes, ya’ know?)… but I think I’ve just got to hand it to my man Jake “The Snake” Roberts on the far left… if only for the SWEET feathered hair look and that killer porno-stache.

Bravo, gentlemen… and Happy Halloween (two years too late) from MeeThinks.

4: Saturday Night’s Main Halloween Event, 1985

Big ups to R.D. and Blade over at WrestleCrap for re-posting this CLASSIC bit of wrasslin’ nostalgia as part of their annual Halloween Crap-tacular. Blade nails it right on the head when he writes[blockquote]You know what I miss? Holiday-themed wrestling shows.

Sure, come Halloween your guaranteed to have Torrie Wilson bouncing around for a few minutes in the nearest witch outfit she can find, but it in terms of holiday spirit, nowadays, it seems empty. You might say, that October 31st is now “Holloween.” It wasn’t always like that, however. Back in 1985, we were subjected to a treat – or was it a trick – a 90 minute special Halloween Saturday Night’s Main Event.[/blockquote]How right you are, Blade… how right you ARE!

Way back when “bad guys” and “good guys” still dressed in seperate locker rooms and rode on different airplanes and rental cars to and from arenas around the country, it was almost unprecedented to see the evilest of the World Wrestling Federation rule breakers (Iron Shiek, King Kong Bundy, etc.) rubbing elbows and having a grand old time with the most virtuous of the WWF’s heros (Hogan, Hogan, Hogan, etc.). After witnessing the brutality of their in-ring showdowns, it was pretty freakin’ hard to imagine (even for a three-year-old) that these longtime rivals might EVER see eye-to-eye.

But thanks to Vinny Mac’s rockin’ wrestlin’ of the early 80’s, fans were “tricked and treated” to their delight as on one night each year, even the bitterest of the WWF’s in-ring rivals were able to put aside their blood-feuds as they came together in a spooky, silly and spirited celebration of the Halloween season. Kinda’ like the pilgrims and the Indians, I guess… only with a tad less fashion sense.

Maybe that’s why I loved these things so much as a kid… as it gave us all a chance to see the “baddest of the bad” celebrating right alongside the “goodest of the good” (see: Hogan, Hulk) – and, if only for a brief and fleeting moment, it showed wrestling fans around the world that yes, by golly, the Iron Sheik *WAS* a Batman fan just like you and me. “Hacht-tooee! Cameraman, zoom!” Not so scary after all, eh?

3: The Shockmaster, 1987

If you’re even a casual reader of online wrestling columns, there’s little doubt that you’ve become acquainted with the craptastic debacle that once was WCW’s ill-conceived “Shockmaster” character. See that butch-lookin’ fellow in the mask and cape above? Yup, that’s our good friend Fred Ottman (a.k.a. “Tugboat” a.k.a. “Typhoon”), doing his best to erase that “Popeye-the-Sailor-meets-Natural-Disaster” legacy and make a name for himself on his own merits in World Championship Wrestling.

See, back in ’87 – Sting was in trouble with Sid and a few other WCW baddies, and so he went looking for a “Shock” of a tag partner to even the odds. Still a while off from importing such big-time WWF alums like Hall and Nash, WCW’s creative team remained convinced that ANY name from WWF would do the trick and deliver on their promise to “shock” WCW fans across the globe.

And shock their fans they did –

As a puffy-looking Fred Ottman stumbled onto the scene in his purple-spray-painted Storm Trooper helmet. Problem was – the mask obscured his vision, and so he couldn’t find his way through the entrance area properly. Bad news for WCWand even WORSE news for “The Shockmaster” and what little street-cred his sparkly helmet might otherwise have garnered.

In the end –

The Shockmaster plunged through the tearaway paper entrance door (think of a high school football team making its way onto the field – then add a pratfall), and he tumbled headfirst to the floor in the process. After the helmet fell off (and bounced around on the floor for a bit ) – Shockmaster was pretty much D.O.A. Not all bad news for Stinger though – as the duo eventually went on to win that match.

For Ottman, however – the win would prove to be no consolation for what quickly went down as THE single most embarrassing moment in the entire history of professional wrestling (and yes, that INCLUDES the Chamber of Horrors match AND the Jackie Gayda in-ring debut). Some years later, Ottman would re-debut in Ted Dibiase’s short-lived independent promotion as (get this) an oversized goofball who couldn’t get out of his car. Talk about type casting!

Well, at least he erased that Tugboat legacy, eh?

2: The Black Scorpion, 1990

One of the most non-sensical (and poorly scripted) angles in the history of WCW (and there were a LOT of them) most definitely has to be the legend of The Black Scorpion – ultimately a role that would be given to none other than The Nature Boy, Ric Flair. See, Flair had just recently lost his WCW title to the Stinger – but poor “Mr. Showtime, Folks” was still wayyyy too green to draw a sizeable crowd and be expected to fill The Nature Boy’s shoes – so WCW had to think of something, and FAST.

Here, I’ll let old ‘Naitch tell you how it all went down in his own words (excerpted from his 2004 autobiography):[blockquote]Someone came up with the idea of the Black Scorpion, a mysterious masked man who’d stalk Sting while he was in the ring. We played Ole Anderson’s distorted voice over the public-address system, claiming to be a figure from Sting’s murky past. Some fans claimed that it was the Ultimate Warrior, but since he happened to be holding the World Wrestling Federation Championship at the time it seemed unlikely that Vince would allow him to participate on our show.

The original Black Scorpion was Al Perez, a muscular guy who worked for a small promotion in Texas. But when he discovered that he’d have to get beaten at the end of the storyline, he backed out — even though no one knew who he was to begin with. The plot went haywire. A bunch of other guys played the Scorpion at different shows, and at Starrcade ’90, the company had Sting meet his hooded nemesis in a cage and reveal his identity.

To salvage the story, the Scorpion would be exposed as a plot by the Horsemen to play with Sting’s mind. Barry Windham would have been great for the part, but he and Arn had a ‘street fight’ against Butch Reed and Ron Simmons that night. So out of every wrestler in the locker room, I was picked to wear the mask, lose, and have my face revealed. The match was ludicrous, and included such timeless moments as other guys in Black Scorpion costumes fighting it out with Sting and special referee Dick the Bruiser — the Crusher’s tag-team partner during my childhood — after the bell. It looked as ridiculous as it sounds.[/blockquote]Now if *that* doesn’t earn you a MeeThinks Halloween Spooktacular Costume Award, I don’t know *what* does, folks.

But as for our number one costume…

1: Meehan Madness, 1987

That’s right bitches, it’s Meehan-Madness runnin’ wild on you. OOOooooh yeeeeeahhhhh!!!

Gotta love the high-lacing yellow boots and the white-star-embroidered pink tights, no? A spittin’ image of my man Randy’s LJN figure, I tell ya! Cap it off with a killer shimmery headband/cape combo, and I am *totally* dressed to impress right there, my friends.

Oh yeah – kindly pay no attention to the hoodie underneath my swank tie-dye t-shirt. Consider it my pre-creatine “muscle mass,” you know? Besides – I’m pretty sure I was in the Poconos at the time, and – if it’s anything like your usual autumn day in the Pennsylvania Mountaings – it was probably cold as shit.

😉

Alright

Since we’re breaking from form and letting the pictures tell the thousand words this week – MeeThinks its only fair to table the YouThinks Reader Mail ’till our next regularly-scheduled column.

That said –

I’m always happy to publish YourThinks, so in (desperate) hopes to pad out the rest of next week’s column with as much of y’all’s feedback as possible – MeeThinks it’s high time for a winner-take-all, Halloween-erific reader write-in contest, eh?

Rock & roll.

Ok then folks –

Since “costumes,” disguises and alter-egos seems to be the theme for the week… let’s see if you can go beneath the getup and recognize the man below, eh?

WHO’S THIS GUY!?!

Ready, set… GO!

And With That, I’m Outta’ Here…
Ok, that’ll do it for Mee again this week. Thanks once again to all who’ve made it this far, and do feel free to shoot Mee YourThinks (and YourGuesses) for next week’s column, yes? Don’t forget – Cyber Sunday is this weekend (hey, I think that also just happens to be *somebody’s* birthday, if I’m not mistaken 😉 – so feel free to flip back and forth from the Pats/Colts game as you see fit. ‘Till next week – Happy Halloween, stay festive, and always stay positive.