Evolution Schematic 01.17.07: The Royal Rumble (Part 2)

Part 1 is here. It covers the origins of the match up to 94. Which was bad.

But 95 was worse.

Phase 8- Fast Paced Crap.

For the 1995 Royal Rumble featured 60 second intervals. One sole minute between entrants. Hence, while it was “the fastest-paced Rumble ever”, as said by Vince McMahon, it was really unpopular with pretty much everyone. Except of course, for Shawn Michaels and The British Bulldog. After all, they were entrants 1 and 2, and they were the final 2 men in the match. After all, it had only been about 30 minutes. Shawn and Bulldog had barely broken a sweat!

Well, that’s not strictly true, but it’s pretty accurate. Occasionally you hear Shawn being the first man to go from #1 and win as being a huge achievement, but remember, he only had to survive for 38:39. Sure, the one foot only touching the ground survival is fairly iconic, but still, it’s Shawn Michaels. 40 odd minutes is child’s play.

Still, next year it was back to 2 minute intervals. And Shawn Michaels had something to prove.

Phase 9- More Rule Clarifications than a Marcus Einfeld traffic fine session.

(If you’re not Australian, change that to “Rule Lawyer Party Quest”.)

(If you’re not a Role Player, then sub in “OJ Trial”.)

(If you can’t remember that…then just forget about it.)

The 1996 Royal Rumble was interesting for several reasons. It was the first Royal Rumble to feature theme music for all 30 entrants, audio-visual equipment only just catching up with the speed and randomness of the Rumble. After all, 1 and 2 you could always guess by just walking around the locker room and spotting the really depressed guys.

It was the first Rumble to feature a fixed #1 and #30 entrants. Hunter Hearse Helmsley, hated snob, fought beloved garbage man Duke “The Dumpster” Droese on the Free For All (the pre show predecessor of PPV Heat), the winner getting the converted #30 slot, the loser the dreaded #1 spot. HHH tired to cheat with brass knuckles, got caught, and lost by DQ. He ended up lasting almost 50 minutes, while Duke was out in less than 2.

It featured Dory Funk Jr., Jerry Lawler, Bob Backlund and Jake Roberts. It also featured Takao Omori. No, I don’t know who that is either.

But most of all, the 96 Rumble is interesting for 2 main things, as well as HHH’s Iron Man act. One, Shawn Michaels picking up the win, ending the match with some Sweet Chin Music to his good buddy, wink wink, Diesel. This led to Diesel getting cheesed off, attacking Undertaker, losing to Undertaker at Wrestlemania, losing to Shawn a little while later, leaving the WWF, heading to WCW, and forming the nWo. So one little kick changed the wrestling industry as we know it.

But that’s not the main issue. The main issue is Rumble technicalities. Sure, the “Both Feet” rule was established in the minds of people the year before, but the 96 Rumble gave us the “Hiding Clause”, as Jerry Lawler ran and hid from Jake Roberts’ snake, Lawler hiding under the ring for almost half an hour and not being eliminated. He was only eliminated when he got found and thrown back in by HBK. It also established the “Non-Entrant Elimination Sub-Clause ii- He Who Rules, Rules.” in that Vader was eliminated by Shawn at the same time as Yokozuna, and Vader got a teeny bit mad at that. So he came back into the ring after taking out Yoko, and tossed Shawn Michaels, Bob Holly and Hunter Hearst Helmsley (and tried to toss Owen but his instincts were still sharp and thus he managed to go through the middle rope). The thing is, unlike most eliminations by non-entrants/eliminated superstars, Gorilla Monsoon, then President of the WWF, who was trying to bring Vader under control, came out and reversed those eliminations, deeming them “Unofficial”, which, as President, he could do. Hence, while the standard rule is that an elimination is an elimination, there is some leeway (last seen with Savage V Roberts, in 92).

Still, Shawn Michaels was the winner, for 2 years running. The next guy would do the same thing, but in different ways.

Phase 10- Stunner. Elimination. Next. Stunner. Elimination. Next. Stunner Reversal. Elimination. Cheat. Win.

The 97 Rumble was surprisingly uniform. Things followed a certain pattern. The Luchadores on loan from AAA did not much. People eliminated themselves out of anger (Ahmed Johnson to chase Faarooq), fear (Faarooq to run from Ahmed) or just plain ignorance of the rules (Mil Máscaras eliminates fellow Luchas Cibernético and Pierroth, then does a tope out onto them, eliminating himself).

It featured long standing feuds that were not resolved, but did have some advancement. Jerry Lawler getting up in the middle of a sentence while on commentary, stepping in as an entrant, being immediately tossed by Bret Hart, then going back and finishing his thought. Terry Funk and Mick Foley brawling like crazy, which was very important. Vader and Taker going at it again, as part of the long standing Taker/Paul Bearer war. Foley, as Mankind, eliminating The Rock, as Rocky Maivia.

And, the 97 Rumble featured the start, arguably the true start, of the Stone Cold Steve Austin freight-train. For while he began to pick up steam at King Of The Ring 96, it was the 97 Rumble that saw Steve dominate for the first time. He entered at #5, cleared the ring, then tossed Bart Gunn and Jake Roberts before the next guy entered, The British Bulldog ending the streak. But after a while, Austin again cleared the ring, and again he went on a streak of sorts, Savio Vega, gone. Double J, Jesse James, gone. Bret Hart…oops.

Eventually, the final 7 were left, there not being much of a 4 this year. Mankind, Terry Funk, Undertaker, Vader, Bret Hart, The Fake Diesel (Kane under hypnosis), and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Given that the 8th was The Rock, that’s a veritable who’s who of wrestling there.

Then came the problem. See, Mick and Terry were going at it, and Mick managed to toss Funk with a suplex to the outside. Problem was, he paused to take in what he had just done (thrown his childhood hero and icon onto concrete and spoil his perhaps final chance at a Main Event), so Taker then sent him to the floor after Terry. Terry and Mick then, going on instinct, brawled. Rather violently. All the referees swarmed to break up the fight, and thus none of them saw Bret Hart cleanly, and dramatically, toss Steve Austin out of the ring and the match. Thus, Austin, seeing this, sneaked back into the ring, then tossed Taker and Vader as they brawled near the ropes; the refs now back on the job. Then, as Bret tossed Fakey, Austin tossed Bret as well.

And was promptly named the winner of the 97 Rumble. And this really irked Bret. Bret went on a bit of a rampage, shoving people and yelling naughty things.

Not that he had to worry. For Austin never got his WM title shot, since Shawn Michaels forfeited the belt after an ‘injury’, which lead to Austin getting his shot at the February In Your House, in a 4 way Pseudo-Rumble match with pinfalls and submissions counting, pitting Austin against the 3 men he illegally tossed, Bret, Taker and Vader. Bret won that match and the belt, lost the belt the next night, and went on to fight Austin at WM13 in a rather famous match.

The next year, Bret was gone, but Austin was in full swing.

Phase 11- Austin! Cactus Jack! Austin! Mankind! Austin! Dude Love! AUSTIN!

The 98 Rumble was, in many respects, a foregone conclusion. Everyone knew Austin was a marked man. After all, he went around marking himself by giving everyone else involved a Stunner prior to the Rumble match. Thus everyone suspected he’d either be tossed right away or win, those being the only two outcomes most anyone imagined happening, given Austin’s attitude and ability. But there were moments of confusion. After all, #22 never showed up, so at the time, people thought “Austin’s been taken out”. It was however, Skull (A Harris Brothers Twin) who was beat up by The Nation Of Domination earlier in the night who failed to show. People grasped this a few moments after, when Austin’s music hit. Everyone in the ring stopped what they were doing and waited, watching the entrance ramp.

Thus, none of them (apart from a relaxing Thrasher) saw Austin enter from the crowd, and go on a rampage, tossing several people, including some not in the Rumble match itself, namely the interfering Los Boricuas. And really, that was what most of the Rumble was, in retrospect, people waiting for Austin to turn up, then Austin beating them up, except for one tidbit, in that Mick Foley officially entered the Rumble 3 times. Cactus Jack drew #1, and brawled with the #2 entrant, Chainsaw “Not Terry Funk” Charlie. Cactus was then eliminated by Charlie. But then, the #16 entrant was Mankind, who ended up tossing Charlie, but was then tossed by The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust. But not to worry, as Dude Love drew #28, and made the final 4, along with Austin, Rock and Faarooq. But again, foregone conclusion, and in the end, Austin Stunner-ed The Rock and got the win, the 2nd consecutive Rumble win, and the WM title shot, and thus begat the Austin Era.

And era that did not go well in 99. But before the True 99 Rumble came another one. A Corporate one.

Phase 12- Just because someone lacks a penis does not mean they aren’t a faction member.

See, Steve Austin wanted a WWF title shot. His sole recourse of getting one, given that Vince McMahon did not want him to get said title shot, was for him to enter the Royal Rumble, which he did. Vince then rigged a draw, and Austin got #1. Vince then entered the Rumble himself, hoping to ‘humiliate’ Austin, and rigged it so that he drew #30, and thus would probably never touch Austin and if he did, Austin would be tired and easy pickings. Typical Vince grandstanding.

Thing was, he forgot that Shawn Michaels was Commissioner of the WWF, and didn’t like him. Thus, Shawn changed his number, and gave Vince #2 instead.

Thus, Vince panicked, but quickly came up with an idea. A Corporate Royal Rumble, on the January 11th edition of Raw. DX vs. The Corporation, the winner getting the #30 slot. The entry would go Corp/DX/Corp, and thus, since there were 4 members of DX (HHH, Road Dogg, Billy Gunn and X-Pac), and 5 Corp members (Test, Kane, Big Boss Man, Ken Shamrock and Vince), they would have the advantage. And things seemed to work out well, Boss Man sacrificing himself to take out the last members of DX, and thus Vince, without breaking a sweat, would once again get the #30…

Wait, was that the Buzzer?

And out walked Chyna. Vince tried to backpedal immediately, but his own words came back to haunt him. After all, he said all the members of DX were in the Rumble. He tried to cheap shot Chyna, but she countered, hit a low blow, then tossed the Chairman to win the Rumble and the #30 slot. So, Vince added one last cravat, a $100,000 bounty to the man (or indeed woman) who eliminated Austin from the Rumble.