The Box in the Attic 01.25.07: RAW IS WAR, March 12, 2001

Every edition of this column will be a review of one show, selected at random from my box of tapes. Most of them are RAW broadcasts from 1999-2003, but I haven’t watched most of this stuff in years, so it’s possible that there’s some old WCW, some Pay-Per-Views, or even some TNA stuff to be found. Whatever the box holds, we’ll find out together.

As an aside to the loyal readers of The Independent Mid-Card, you’ll find my style somewhat different in this column, as there will be much less in-depth play-by-play and a lot more nostalgic observations. Also, I’ll be watching the shows straight through without fast-forwarding commercials, to really give the experience of what it’s like to look back on these shows with a few years of perspective. I’ll do match times at my discretion, but in all likelihood they will not be included for three minute squash tag team matches and the like.

And off we go…

Tape Label Says:
Rock vs. Angle

Actual Content Is:
WWF RAW IS WAR – March 12, 2001
Live from Staples Center – Los Angeles, California

-Miami Vice is the lead-in at this point, as this is during the “TNN – Pop!” campaign. I was absolutely OCD about getting the entire show taped each week, so I get like 15 minutes of the lead-in show on each tape. Don’t worry, this WILL NOT morph into a cop drama review.

-Tonight: Undertaker challenges for Big Show’s Hardcore Title and Austin has to watch his wife Debra manage the WWF Champion, The Rock. Considering that 2001 ended with Undertaker winning the Hardcore Title from RVD, this is pretty funny to think about in hindsight. Oh, and this was during the lead-up to Rock-Austin II at Wrestlemania X-7, for those scoring at home, so Debra managing Rocky is filled with intrigue and whatnot.

-Before the show starts, we get an add for the BRAND NEW album by The Corrs, featuring the never-before-heard single Breathless. If that commercial doesn’t date this show, I don’t know what does.

ONE WORLD LEADER ATTITUDE

-Last week, Vince announces “In the interest of fairness”, that Debra is now managing The Rock, Rocky faces Rikishi & Haku (with ‘kish threatening to put his ass in Austin’s wife’s face), and Debra sides with Rock over Austin. You’ve got to love that Rikishi pretty much equated running a man down with an automobile to getting his salad tossed.

-Oh, look, WWF New York. That really takes me back.

-Kurt Angle is in the parking lot waiting for someone, and we get another promo for ‘Taker vs. Show. Also, Paul Heyman is doing color on this show, which delights me. JR’s there too, I guess.

-WWF Tag Team Title Match – Matt & Jeff Hardy © (with Lita) vs. X-Pac & Justin Credible: Heyman has nothing bad to say about the Hardyz because he likes their EXTREME~! attitude. According to JR, X-Pac’s record speaks for itself. That’s just a great line for any number of reasons. Credible and Waltman cheat, as you can imagine, and crotch Matt on the ringpost on the outside in a painful spot. I remember X-Pac taking that move at Summerslam ’98 and almost having sympathy pains. Oh, look, now Justin just got crotched. Ok, I guess we have our theme. It’s clear how much better Jeff was at this point than he became, and how much Matt has developed both in the ring and out. Twist of Fate and the Swanton look to finish, but Albert runs in and grabs Jeff for the clear disqualification. He press slams Jeff into the eighth row and then hits an Albert Bomb on Matt. And so X-Factor (who unfairly ripped off the Marvel comic of the same name) is born. Match was fine while it lasted, but basically nothing. *1/2

-Kurt is still waiting, and oh, look, a limo. How unlike a WWF broadcast to include someone arriving in a limo. William Regal (who is apparently the commissioner at this point), is here, but he has to “address the people”. I know this because he says it like 10 times in a 30 second segment. Angle kisses ass, and is actually pretty funny, challenging Regal to “make a name for himself”. Angle with hair is pretty strange actually, given how long he’s been shaving his head these days.

-Commercials abound. Mr. T in a 1-800-COLLECT spot also really takes me back.

-We’re back, and hey, it’s Dennis Hopper sitting ringside. When was the last time he was in a movie?

-In the locker room, Eddie Guerrero rallies Malenko and Saturn against Benoit, but Benoit is hiding around the corner. Malenko and Eddie leave, so Benoit pretty well dispatches with Perry.

-Last Week: Regal beats Al Snow to become the WWF Commissioner and then suplexes a midget. That’s not a euphemism. Regal is now in the ring and JR flat out calls him disingenuous and tells him to shut up on commentary. That’s pretty funny, actually. Regal cuts a pretty funny “serious state-of-the-WWF” promo, all the while drawing huge heel heat. He goes on about how he will not tolerate suck-ups, and then makes Angle vs. Rock in a rematch for the WWF Title (paying off Angle’s sucking up from earlier). He goes into an anagram of his name (which is great), but gets cut off by the Y2J countdown. Oh, man, I miss Jericho. And it’s the original awesome countdown video, too. Jericho (who is I-C champion by the looks of things) starts an anagram of his own, working in his catch phrases along the way. Footage of Jericho embarrassing Regal on his first night back with the company ensues and Regal debuts the “Sunshine!” catchphrase in a great moment. “Besmirching” makes an appearance, as well. By the way, Jericho’s beard is full, but managed at this point, if you’re curious. Jericho basically promises to keep his eye on Regal, going back to the anagram promo form and making his own bit of history by debuting his “Ass clown” catchphrase. A fun segment that is probably underrated in terms of the sheer number of new catchphrases debuted therein.

-Commercial time: AN XFL PROMO! YES! And, look, XFL MVP Tommy Maddox. When he was awesome for the Steelers for like a year-and-a-half, you couldn’t go five minutes of a Pittsburgh broadcast without an announcer reciting that bit of trivia. Oh, and if I didn’t mention it earlier, TNN has Pop!

-Promo for WCW Greed, which ended up being the last ever WCW Pay-Per-View. Steiner vs. DDP headlined, and was actually a pretty good match if memory serves.

-Christian (who you only THINK you know!) (without Edge) vs. D-Von Dudley (without Bubba Ray Dudley): Last week, Christian cost the Dudleyz the Tag Team Titles and then cost them the rematch. That’s pretty cold. Winner’s team gets a title shot next week. Christian looks strange with long hair, actually. Pretty standard stuff until D-Von takes a shot to the ringpost on the outside. Christian reverses a kick to his Inverted DDT Backbreaker for two. Roderick Strong should totally lift that spot. Christian gets crotched on top and D-Von gets a second rope superplex for two. D-Von gets his standard offense and goes for a Curtain Call, but Christian reverses to a rollup for a nearfall. Ref bumpery ensues and Christian gets a straight Inverted DDT and gets a chair. Bubba comes down and 3D gets the pinfall as the ref comes around. Fun, if pedestrian, stuff from guys who worked together a lot at this point. **

-Another limo joins us and this one has… Vince McMahon. Probably should have guessed. Oh, and Trish Stratus, too. Not that she wasn’t hot later, but Trish was SMOKING hot at this point. Vince proposes a “live Hollywood sex scene” in the ring and Trish agrees.

-Commercials: Limp Bizkit sings My Way, which would end up overplayed in the Wrestlemania buildup, but was still a part of a ton of great video promos for Rock vs. Austin. And “new” Jack Daniels grill items are now available at TGI Fridays. Those are like the longest continuous items on their menu at this point, other than Potato Skins of course.

-We’re back and Dean & Eddie are looking for Benoit. Dean has a steel pipe, which is pretty ironic considering Malenko’s whole career was based about being a transcendent technical guy. Malenko runs his mouth about how much smarter they are than Chris, and then promptly gets the crap kicked out of him by Benoit who was (wait for it) hiding around the corner. Eddie finally gets there and cuts a great begging off promo (“Oh, uhh, Benoit… How’s it going, Paco?”). Benoit say he’ll meet him in the ring, so Eddie gets all cocky again. Eddie’s awesome.

-Jonathan Coachman (who was annoying, but not yet a real personality unto himself) asks Commissioner Regal what his big announcement is. Regal announces Jericho vs. Right to Censor. All of them. Heyman on Jericho taking on four men: “I think those are good odds.”

-Michael Cole (also a backstage interviewer at this point) is with Kurt Angle. Angle’s still wearing his medals here, by the way. Angle’s happy he got his rematch, but totally deserved it, because he was WWF Champ for five months, which is longer than most marriages last in LA. He’s got a point there. Angle on Debra: “What about Debra? Nice looking woman. Winning smile. Great personality.” Angle was so money at this point. He goes on to threaten Debra, which is probably like the dumbest thing you could do in pro wrestling in 2001. Other than be Buff Bagwell, obviously.

-More commercials. Alyssa Milano in a leather catsuit. I think it was a collect calls advertisement, but I wasn’t really paying attention.

-Back on Raw, we get a review of Benoit kicking the R4dicals asses all night.

-Chris Benoit vs. Eddie Guerrero: This match is personally endorsed by Paul Heyman, which isn’t a totally shocking revelation or anything. Benoit and Guerrero getting solo time on free TV is, however. Eddie’s still using his great Latino Heat entrance music here. Benoit stomps Eddie to start. Benoit gets a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, but Eddie gets an elbow up on a blind charge. Benoit counters a Tornado DDT and goes for the rolling Germans, getting one before Eddie counters. They mess up a leapfrog to the corner, with Eddie falling short and hitting his arm on the turnbuckle, but instead of doing what most guys would do (sell the head anyway like a doofus), Eddie sells the arm as if the botch was intentional. That’s why these guys are the best. Benoit chops away in the corner and basically everywhere else. Eddie counters an Irish whip to a hurricanrana and pounds away. Eddie goes for a suplex, but Benoit floats over and gets a backdrop suplex on Eddie over the top rope to put him on the floor. Benoit goes for a dive, but Eddie moves and Chris goes SPLAT! on the floor. Eddie works the crowd and hits a side suplex for two. Heyman notes that there would be no shame in Benoit losing to Guerrero after missing the suicide dive, which is actually a tremendous job of storytelling from the commentary position. Eddie gets a couple of two counts on a variety of strikes. Benoit counters a sleeper by dropping Eddie on the top rope chest-first. Rolling Germans by Benoit reach three, but Benoit is spent and can’t cover. Benoit signals for and then hits the diving headbutt, but can’t cover. A delayed cover gets two. Benoit goes for more Germans, but Eddie gets a brainbuster and then rolls right into a second one. That was obviously the prototype Three Amigos. Frog Splash misses and Benoit tries to pound him down. Eddie gets a rollup, but Benoit rolls through and the Crossface gets Eddie to tap out at 8:26. Totally forgotten free TV classic here. ***1/2, easy, and maybe higher. To some degree, this was like a template for a lot of the SmackDown Six matches in 2002, so in that regard this was pretty ahead of its time for the WWF. This match actually probably should have happened at Wrestlemania, but they decided to blow off the feud here and go with Benoit/Angle and Eddie/Test on PPV. I suppose it’s a matter of opinion whether or not that was a good decision. Personally, I would have liked to see Eddie and Benoit get 20 minutes in the Astrodome, but your mileage may vary.

-Trish and Mr. McMahon are heading to the ring. Vince thinks Trish has a beautiful smile. What a romantic.

-Commercials: Stress stinks and Arrid works. Ok, then. SmackDown! 2 – Know Your Role looks to have graphics that I could had drawn with a box of crayons, proving how much video game technology has advanced in six years. And another WCW Greed promo. Actually, it’s just the earlier promo aired again.

-Snickers Cruncher Wrestlemania Countdown: 20 Days

–No Chance hits and Vince and Trish are headed to the ring for the alleged “live Hollywood sex scene” or “Californication” as Heyman puts it. The Chili Peppers could probably have gotten some royalties off of that one, in all honesty. McMahon cuts one of his longwinded promos, rehashing the week before which was the infamous bit where he made Trish bark like a dog and then strip. He refers to his gallant ways, having offered her his jacket after instructing her to get naked. Trish just plays the perfect evil mistress here, claiming that she’d DO ANYTHING for him. INUENDO~! This was during the Linda’s in a wheelchair period, if you’re keeping track of such things. And here’s gratuitous footage of Vince making out with Trish to compensate for one thing or another. Anyway, back to reality, the two of them lay down in the ring, but Trish suggests something so good that they have to go to the back to do it (because the fans are undeserving, clearly). Heyman: “So close your eyes and let me watch!” Heyman’s great. Vince starts to make his big announcement before leaving, but his music hits. Oh, wait, it’s SHANE-O-MAC! Shane hadn’t been on WWF TV for a good long while at this point. Shane stares down his dad and slowly makes his way to the ring. He refuses a handshake and a hug and then LAYS INTO Vince. Regal comes down to save Vince, so Shane beats him up instead and then runs after Vince. Vince and Trish escape in their limo as JR gets in a BY GAWD for good measure.

-Commercial time: Nothing new of note, leading me to believe that the WWF could maybe have used a more diverse group of sponsors at the time.

-Moments ago: the events that I just described happened.

-Right to Censor (The Goodfather, Bull Buchanan, Val Venis and Steven Richards) vs. Chris Jericho: Regal is watching in the back, having shaken off his beating at Shane’s hands. Jericho is still billed from Winnipeg at this point, having not yet moved to New York. RTC is announced at 1125 pounds, so, yeah, this is a mismatch. Bull starts with, well, Jericho. Jericho holds his own for a while and gets a second rope dropkick. Lionsault for an early cover, but that gets broken up. Shocking, I know. Val takes his turn and doesn’t fare all that much better, but eventually the numbers catch up with Y2J and Val gets his standard offense of knees and a Russian Legsweep. Jericho makes the comeback, but runs into a superkick from Richards. Y2J comes back again as Goodfather and Bull fight on the outside over some heel miscommunication. Val, Richards, Bull and Goodfather all take the Walls of Jericho in succession, but Val breaks the last one up and gets a Blue Thunder Bomb to get the pin on Jericho. I guess Jericho bumping for some jobbers isn’t that big of a deal given the 4-on-1 nature of the match (and that it served more the Jericho/Regal feud than any real issue between Jericho and the RTC), but I’m not wild about the secondary champion getting beat by a weak finisher like that one after taking relatively little damage (especially given the circumstances).

-Angle is getting ready when Austin busts in to defend Debra’s honor. Austin makes his point and leaves (it’s like he’s the anti-Vince of promos in this instance) and then Angle starts to run his mouth. That’s MUCH smarter than threatening Austin’s wife during an interview. Oh, and BY GAWD, the Hardcore Title match is next.

-Commercials: It seems that ‘friends’ are some teenagers’ anti-drug. I suppose that’s less accurate if you have friends that are addicts.

-Dick Butkus is sitting ringside as well. And now, XFL Highlights! Jeff Brohm is a warrior. Brohm: “Do I or do I not have a pulse? Let’s play football!” There’s no way that’s the only qualification to play quarterback. Oh, and Tommy Maddox threw a lot of touchdowns. Did I mention he was the XFL MVP?

-Hardcore Title Match – Big Show © vs. Undertaker: Actually, the match never starts because as the Undertaker is readying his motorcycle, Triple H attacks and Undertaker is trapped under his overturned bike. Triple H sits on a chair on UT’s chest and cuts a great heel promo about how he’s famous for crippling people. UT keeps running his mouth (real smart move) and HHH is about to hit a pseudo con-chair-to, but Kane runs in for the save. Big Show, who clearly wanted a piece of the action, comes in and chokeslams Kane through a convenient nearby table. Bait-and-switch at its best, but the Wrestlemania buildup was probably better served by this segment anyway. And it leaves more time for Rock and Angle, so no harm, no foul.

-Commercials (yes, again): Some chick emulates Daisy Duke. TNN: Pop!

-Moments ago: the stuff that happened moments ago happened. Do they really think that people just started watching? Oh, and the APA love the wings, beer and women at WWF New York. Bradshaw (and it took a lot of willpower not to type “JBL”) gets in a funny line about the beer being on Steven Richards.

-Rock is getting ready when in walks Austin. Austin recaps his conversation with Angle and Rock agrees that Austin has a right to be concerned (after all, it is his wife). However, Rock also says that Austin’s other concern should be “getting ready”. The original Wrestlemania hype segment a few weeks before this where the Rock started the “get ready” bit is actually one of my all-time favorite segments on RAW, and I actually used that sequence to explain some convoluted story to a girlfriend during my sophomore year in college. Yeah, not smart, I know.

-Commercials: If you eat Twix, you’ll end up either a Rastafarian man or a dancing woman.

-We’re back to rehash Chyna’s “injured neck” in a match against Ivory at Royal Rumble. And look, Chyna has a new book out. Wow, what coincidental timing. We get highlights (or more accurately, “highlights”) of Ivory accepting Chyna’s challenge for a rematch at Wrestlemania on Sunday Night Heat. I didn’t even remember that Heat was still on at this point.

-WWF European Title Match – Test © vs. Raven: There’s no way this match ends well for Raven. Test pretty much dominates, getting a big running powerslam. Raven gets tossed and Test follows him out. Raven takes advantage with a drop toehold onto the steps and Russian Legsweep into the railing. He keeps the advantage in the ring and gets a couple nearfalls, but Test gets a tilt-a-whirl slam and his full nelson slam. Pumphandle Slam is reversed, but Test gets a stiff big boot for the academic pinfall. A nothing match, but Raven is always entertaining. *1/4

-Backstage, Angle heads to the ring, as does the Rock (with Debra of course). Austin paces in his locker room to lead us into one of the great Austin/Rock Limp Bizkit promos I mentioned earlier. Seriously, during the promo, Austin’s Stunners hit on the downbeats in the music. It’s that kind of attention to detail that made the WWF so much better than WCW.

-Ideally the last commercial break: More Alyssa Milano, more TGI Fridays, and more Squaresoft video games that I didn’t mention before, but has been advertised four or five times already.

-Wrestlemania Moment (brought to you by Snickers Cruncher): Undertaker beats Diesel at WM XII. I haven’t seen that match in years, so I’ve got nothing witty or interesting to add that wouldn’t be a classless dig at Nash, Taker or Nash’s horrible dye job.

-WWF Title Match – The Rock © vs. Kurt Angle: Angle gets loose in the ring (because he’s all intense and stuff). Rock’s music makes me miss the days when I got to see him perform on a weekly basis. Austin’s on the Tonight Show on Wednesday, by the way (I mean the Wednesday after this broadcast, not THIS Wednesday). Slugfest starts us off and Rock gets the Sharpshooter really quickly. DDT by Rocky gets an early two count. Angle bails to regroup, but Rock follows and they brawl on the ramp. They do a pretty intense walk around brawl and Rock takes a chairshot to the ribs while Debra distracts the ref. Umm, shouldn’t she distract the ref when Rock’s doing the hitting and not the other way around? I digress. Angle takes control as we stay on the outside and goes to work on the ribs. Rock gets the beginnings of a comeback, but Angle gets a knee to the ribs to regain momentum. Angle gets two off of a suplex and stomps away in the corner. Angle gets an overhead belly-to-belly and Rock sells like he’s been in a car crash. Another one and Rock continues the great selling. A third? Why not. Angle finally goes for a cover, but Rock gets the shoulder up at two. Angle goes flying over the top on a charge and Rock collapses in the ring. Rock rolls out to brawl some more, but Angle goes back to the ribs and drops Rock chest-first on the announce table. Angle tosses him back in and gets a scoop slam (complete with Rock selling the back), but whiffs on a moonsault. Has he ever actually hit that? Rock struggles to get to his feet, but walks into an Angle Slam. Kurt’s too hurt to cover and the ref starts to count. An eventual cover gets two. Angle goes to a bearhug, which is great psychology with all of the rib and back work. Rock’s arm drops twice, but obviously doesn’t drop the third time and he makes the big babyface comeback with abounding rights. Angle tries to reverse an Irish whip, but eats a Rock Bottom for his troubles. Rock, ever a trooper, sells the ribs on the rebound and rolls away in agony. He finally gets the cover (grabbing the far leg weakly by the kneepad in a really nice touch) but it only gets two. Both men make it to their feet and slug it out until Rock does his old “three punches, spit on hand, knock opponent over the top rope” routine. He goes out and tosses Kurt back in, but Kurt takes out the ref as he rolls into the ring. Rock gets a spinebuster and the People’s Elbow (which I totally just marked out for), but the ref’s hurt and a slow count only gets two. Rock stupidly (but understandably) takes a minute to yell at the ref and gets caught in the Ankle Lock. It takes him a bit, but he makes it to the ropes. Angle refuses to break the hold and the Rock starts to tap, but he’s still holding the ropes and the ref calls for the bell to disqualify Angle at 12:30 exactly. Actually, the bell rings and then the ref turns and motions for it, but he seemed to be nursing a very real knee injury off of the ref bump, so it’s forgivable. Debra comes in the ring to yell at Kurt, which was clearly not the prudent thing to do. Kurt then throws caution to the wind and knocks her over, applying the Ankle Lock to her. If you’ve ever watched WWF television before, you know what happens next: Austin comes down to save his wife and absolutely decimates Angle before turning his attention to the Rock and hitting a Stunner. Austin then slowly makes his way up the ramp while Angle lays at ringside, the Rock writhes around in the ring and Debra paces around looking frustrated. As for the match, I’m not pulling your chain when I say ****. Not quite a Pay-Per-View main event, but head-and-shoulders above your garden variety RAW headliner. If it had a finish, I’d have even gone higher, but it didn’t, so I won’t. Besides, the ending needed to happen that way to get Austin reasonably involved and officially transition the title program from Rock/Angle to Rock/Austin anyway.