Evolution Schematic 01.24.07: The Royal Rumble (Part 3)

Part 1 is here. Part 2 is here. We left off on the Corporate Royal Rumble. Let’s just get this over with.

Phase 12b- Well, he is The Boss, right?

The 1999 Rumble is not fondly remembered by most. After all, the show up until it was not popular, with hated superstars winning, and of course, the Rock/Mankind I Quit match being pretty uncomfortable to watch.

But then the actual Rumble match itself, well, there was one, and only one, story going on, one focus.

Austin vs. McMahon.

Numbers 1 and 2 thanks to rigged draws, Austin beat on McMahon for a bit. Then Vince ran. Then Austin got ambushed and taken away. Then the Rumble occurred, with Vince doing commentary. Then Austin came back (while Taker was in the middle of kidnapping Mabel to convert him), and took out everyone gunning for the $100K bounty on his head. Then Vince came back in. Then Rock came out, distracted an oddly out of sorts Austin, and Vince tossed him to win the Rumble.

That went over with the fans as much as a fart in church. Or the other cute expression meaning “Not At All” of your choice.

But, Austin would eventually get his shot at the WWF title at WM, and payback on Vince, later on. And Vince got his great theme music out of the show as well. But the 99 Rumble, pretty much, was a bust.

But come 2000…

Phase 13- BOOM!

The 2000 Rumble, coming off the incredible HHH/Cactus street fight, was a much more successful Rumble than the previous year’s effort. Many more stars, more things going on, better action, and just overall, better.

But this match too came down to just two men, although we didn’t know that until they were the last two (which is always a good thing). There were red herrings, false starts. Rikishi dominated, then got tossed by the entire ring. Bob Backlund appeared! Jericho and Chyna continued their long standing problems. Big Boss Man was a wily, cagey vet. Road Dogg hung onto the bottom rope for dear life, a very sound strategy that nearly paid off. Kane was, well, Kane. X-Pac was a whiny little annoyingly long lasting punk. So he was X-Pac, basically. Big Show was a large, pissed off angry son of a bitch. So he was Angry Big Show. And The Rock, well he was a cheating bastard.

What? He was! Everyone talks about how Rock won the Rumble, but he didn’t. Big Show did. But no, because Show tossed Rock on the far camera side, Rock hung onto the top rope, his feet hit but then Show followed and Rock re-entered the ring, everyone assumed Rock’s feet didn’t touch, and that Rock won. That’s what the record books say, but it’s a lie. Big Show won. But then, both of them (along with Mick Foley) got their title shot at WM, and failed, since HHH, thanks to Vince, walked out still with the belt.

Ah yes, Vince changing the course of history. He did it in 2000, and he did it a year later, thanks, in part, to the outcome of the next Rumble.

Phase 14- Let’s see, Austin, Rock, Taker, Kane, HHH, The Big Show, The Hardyz, Drew Carey, APA, Test…wait, DREW CAREY?

Claims that the as yet un-held Rumble is the Most Star Studded Ever are a bit on the ludicrous side. There are two which truly fight for that title. 1992, which featured many a superstar, legend and soon to be icon. And 2001, which had Drew Carey in it. Yep, the slightly overweight, desk sitting Drew Carey entered the 2001 Rumble in the #5 position. And for a moment there, he was doing well, thanks to the Hardyz eliminating each other.

And then Kane came out. And Drew was glad he was wearing dark pants.

Sure, Raven saved his butt and Drew ran off unharmed, but still, for a superstar of that magnitude to be in the Rumble, it’s sure something. And it did start the now famous “Kane Run”, wherein Kane gained the record for the most eliminations, tossing in the end 11 entrants, a.k.a a third of the field, on his way to the final two. He lasted over 50 minutes. He had his half-brother, the Undertaker on his side. He had everything going for him.

Except for Austin.

Stone Cold Steve Austin, back from injury, was incensed, was determined, was focused 100, hell, 1000% on getting back ‘his’ WWF Title. And while that determination would eventually mutate, twist and end up turning him into the Corporate Champion with Vince later in the year, in the Rumble, it was still healthy and just. He did get attacked by HHH on his way to the ring, in response to him attacking HHH during the HHH/Angle WWF title match, but he managed to drag himself to ringside, bleeding, in time for the #30 entrant, Rikishi, the guy who took him out for a year in the first place, to attack him. This was all Austin needed to fire up the cylinders and go into 3:16 mode, taking on everyone in his path, foreshadowing his eventual title match when he and The Rock faced off, and then taking on and eliminating thanks to a steel chair the Iron Man Kane. This gave Austin his record setting 3rd Rumble win.

It would also be his last.

Phase 15- HHH wins a Rumble where the Iron Man lasted about 27 minutes. That’s not that impressive.

The 2002 Rumble was all about eliminations.

The Undertaker, pissed off and angrier than usual, tossing people, including the Hardyz.

Maven then eliminating The Undertaker with a dropkick.

The Undertaker then almost eliminating Maven from existence.

Christian and Chuck Palumbo making an odd pair to eliminate a couple of guys and seem poised to dominate.

Austin then eliminating them easily.

HHH and Austin tossing the Hurricane in the feel good moment of the show.

Kane slamming the Big Show out of the ring.

Austin eliminating Booker T with a Stunner.

Austin being tossed by the Kurt/Curt Connection.

Mr. Perfect, Curt Hennig, being the second last guy tossed.

Angle stupidly charging HHH.

HHH winning.

All about eliminations. Of course, by the time the 03 edition came around, things had changed slightly. Now, not only was this thing personal, it was war as well.

For now, we entered the Brand Extension era.

Phase 16- Wow, what a wuss.

And the 2003 Rumble saw many changes. It should have seen the debut of Danny Basham, as he had won a slot in OVW by beating Nova, but due to him being a dickwad and attacking Rocky Johnson, The Rock’s dad, he lost it. It also should have had Raven appear on the card, but he was fired a few days after losing a qualifying match to Jeff Hardy.

It saw Christopher Nowinski get a concussion the effects of which (due to his Football past and other injuries) end his Pro Wrestling career. It saw Jericho and Christian pull a fast one on Shawn Michaels, tossing him out of the Rumble in record time for him. It then later on saw Jericho pull an even faster one on Christian to toss him. It then saw HBK leave both of them in the dust and help Test toss Jericho.

But the 2003 Rumble is known, primarily, for the fact that Brock, who won his slot by beating The Big Show earlier in the PPV, come out as #29. #30 was The Undertaker. They ended up as the final 2 men in the ring, a first. But, despite the possibility that the #30 guy, the guy who statistically should be the best chance of winning, despite the chance that maybe, #30 might ACTUALLY WIN A FREAKING RUMBLE, it was #29, Brocky, who won the match, luckily tossing Taker as he was distracted. Brock, unaware of the loophole that now existed allowing a brand change, went on to face and defeat Kurt Angle at WM.

The loophole is an interesting case of unexpected developments due to changing circumstances. See, Flair and McMahon as co-owners, couldn’t get along. So Raw and Smackdown became two different brands (and thus, arguably, possible candidate for obscenely long Evolution Schematics). After a few months, each brand had its own World Champion, thanks to Paul Heyman being a good agent and Eric Bischoff a great kiss-up. This then led; as time is want to do, to the Rumble, which, fairly, had 15 Raw guys, and 15 SD guys. First time round, a SD guy won, and then challenged for the SD World Title. Fair.

Next time though…

Phase 17- Chris Benoit is here and he’s really mad! Chris Benoit is here and he’s really angry!

Next time, Chris Benoit was under pressure from Paul Heyman. Paul didn’t like him. The feeling was mutual. So Paul, being a bad bad man, forced Benoit into the #1 slot of the Rumble.

Chris Benoit then did what he did best. He wrestled. He wrestled and wrestled and wrestled. He took on the very best that the WWF had to offer. He lasted longer than anyone else in history, and fought and fought. He survived past all reasonable limits. And he tossed Lamont’s hair.

But the match is remembered, mainly for the final 2, as by this point was customary. Benoit, over an hour of constant fighting, all alone against The Big Show, who had tossed Chris Jericho, Kurt Angle, John Cena and Rob Van Dam after they, and Benoit, tried to gang up on him. The man that 5 Future/Past/Current/Whatever World Champs couldn’t eliminate, Benoit had to do on his own. So what did Benoit do?

He out wrestled him.

With a headlock, a simple freaking Headlock, Benoit stopped himself being eliminated. He hooked the bottom rope as he was on the apron. He pulled, and pulled. Big Show got dazed. Big Show got wobbly. He left his feet. He balanced on the top rope. He hung, he shook, he swiveled. And eventually, he fell. Chris Benoit won the match, and went on to swap brands the following night, and ended up making HHH tap like a little girl at WM.

But, thanks to Chris Benoit leaving, this left SD without a #1 Contender. So, in the interest of ‘opportunity’, and ‘Screwing Chris Benoit’, and to cosmically match Raw having its own Royal Rumble, SD would get one too.

Phase 17b- EDDIE! EDDIE! EDDIE!

Sure, in Kurt Angle’s mind, it was all about him. But to everyone else, it was all about Eddie. The same 15 men who got into the Royal Rumble a week before would enter this special Smackdown 15 man Royal Rumble, with 2 exceptions. 1 Matt Morgan who was injured, so he was replaced by Hardcore Holly, who had failed in his bid to get revenge on Brock Lesnar in a title match at the Rumble. And #2 was Chris Benoit, who jumped ship, he would be replaced by his ‘good buddy’ Eddie Guerrero.

But prior to the match, Eddie was attacked, seemingly by Chavo and Chavo Classic, although now we know it was Angle. So it seemed that Eddie was out. This helped Angle, although drawing #1 did not help Angle.

Angle faced an uphill battle, having to fight his former protégés, Bradshaw, Rhyno, a host of pissed off men. The entire ring did unite to take on and try and stop The Big Show, who ended up being eliminated by said ring, thanks mainly to John Cena’s efforts after he was eliminated.

But the mini-Rumble came down to Eddie, who miraculously turned up to claim his #13 slot, and Angle, tired but not overly so. The two had a great mini-match, filled with dramatic moves and reversals, but in the end, Angle got overzealous again, and was eliminated. Eddie won the match, got the title shot at No Way Out, won that, beat Angle at WM, then had The Moment with Benoit at WMXX.

Truly, the 2004 Rumbles were special. The 2005 one though…

Phase 18- You screwed up! You screwed up!

Things just went wrong for people. Eddie drew #1, then ended up getting caught as he tried to switch with #30, Ric Flair. Daniel Puder was initiated then eliminated rather quickly. Mohammed Hassan got tossed by the entire ring after he entered. Scotty 2 Hotty was then attack by Hassan in anger. Chris Jericho was mocked by Tazz. Kurt Angle was tossed in under a minute by Shawn Michaels. Kurt then returned to eliminate and beat up HBK later on. Paul London was clotheslined out of his equilibrium. Coachman’s dream ended badly. Ric Flair tried to turn on Batista and got eliminated for his trouble. Benoit’s dream at back to back coast to coast wins was dashed, despite lasting past #30. Christian failed to get revenge on Cena. Cena and DAVE ended up eliminating each other. Vince McMahon then came down to the ring, and tore both of his quads. His verdict, that instead of two winners the match would restart, was delivered while seated.

But in the end, only one man could win. And that man was Batista, eliminating Cena to win the title shot at WM, and kill Evolution once and for all, although that would take a little while to do.

Still, at least the 2005 Rumble went on last. Next year, despite the whole show being named, based and built around the match, it was not last. Hence, the incredible achievement the winner made was downplayed a fair bit…

Phase 19- The Lucha Bastard Makes Good!

Even though Rey Mysterio earned a new longevity record, even though he won the Rumble from #2, even though unlike the other guy who won from #2 he was in the ring the whole match, even though he outlasted guys much bigger, stronger and badder, even though Rey was living and fighting for Eddie’s name… It just felt flat. Maybe it was the placement of the match. Maybe it was Randy Orton’s involvement. Maybe it was Eddie’s name. Whatever the reason, despite it being a match that should be fondly remembered, it’s seen as more of a slightly bitter match by many. Not all, but many. Still impressive though.

Today- 10 SD superstars…7 ECW Superstars? 13 Raw ones? What the hell?

This year, this Sunday, the 2007 Royal Rumble is to be the 20th one. And somehow, in the confusion of ECW not having anyone in charge, instead of getting the 10 slots that you’d imagine a brand would get now there are 3 of them, they only get 7. And Raw gets all 3 of the ones they don’t get.

And yet, it doesn’t matter. Despite a few people hoping, praying for a miracle, there are, apparently, 4 men in most people’s minds that are the best, nay, only chances to win. On the outside, Edge and Randy Orton are both young, hungry, punkish, and may work together in the short term. They are a threat.

But the real front runners? HBK, partnerless, left to carry on the DX name all by himself, might just go a little nuts and end up turning his angry and vengeful fury on an innocent man in John Cena. Or The Undertaker. The Royal Rumble is one of the few things The Undertaker has never done, never achieved. King Of The Ring is the only other comparable thing, but it is not as firmly established as the Rumble is. Despite The Undertaker’s timeless quality, time is running out for the Deadman. If he is to do this, if he is to win this most impressive of feats…It’s now or never.

Conclusion

10.

It’s a fancy battle royal.

9.

It’s a launching pad for quests.

8.

It’s where heroes take their first step to immortality.

7.

It’s where logic and poll positions fail.

6.

It’s where friendships die, partnerships crumble and every man is an enemy.

5.

It’s where anyone, at any time, can toss anyone else.

4.

It rewards the stubborn, the smart and the superior.

3.

It is arguably the best ‘gimmick’ match in history.

2.

It’s an institution.

1.

It’s the Royal Rumble. What else do you need to know?