WRestling’s 3R’s 1.26.07: Retro Royal Rumble, TNA Throws Away Money, HBK is Awesome, The Nitro Girls 2K7, The Road to WrestleMania and More!

puRgatory:

Hemme sit down interview – I have reservations about this whole thing, but there are also some positives. First of all they are finally doing something with Christy Hemme, positive. They have the VKM doing something with in the company and not against WWE, positive. Hemme seems VERY motivated and passionate in regards to her performances, positive. But, she isn’t that good and the last thing I think we want is to see BG vs. Kip in a women’s rights on a pole match anytime soon. Also, as I said in the PPV R’s if they are starting a women’s division they BETTER have the 2-hours secured, because the show tends to be cluster-fuck-a-riffic as is without trying to fit in a women’s division, matches and angles. I’ll try and remain open minded about this, so for now it will go here.

Hoyt vs. Storm – I understand what they were doing here in essence, but I have to say that they shouldn’t have booked the match in the first place because of how they had to book the match. You have to keep Storm strong because he will be feuding with Harris. But on the other hand Hoyt has to look good to the TV audience because he will be part of the baseball angle on PPV. They apparently see a lot in Hoyt and he will probably get a push from the angle. Storm looked weak because he needed help to beat Hoyt, and that is the bottom line. Hoyt would have benefited from a squash of some kind and attack after the angle, because a win would have helped him look strong, and then maybe a job later due to the baseball players. Anyway, to me it was a bit questionable to book because you have the chance in hurting both men. Not horrible, just questionable.

The wRong:

Why didn’t Sting just do this in the first place? – While Sting has been good with his promos, as well as Mitchell I has to ask. If he knows what “Chris” did, and can look it up via public records, why hasn’t he just done that already? Sting, stupidest baby face ever, worst detective ever.

The Ridiculous:

LAX vs. Team 3D – More giving matches away of free TV. Thankfully not the total atrocity that the PPV match was, but still not that good and too much focus on the Runt shit. I was once excited for this feud but it is quickly tanking and fast. I did like the stuff with Moody jack, but other than that, I have lost just about all interest in the feud.

THE RUSSO-FN-RIFFIC~~~!:

Styles vs. Angle: Throwing Away Money – So some people have taken issue to my name of the match last week between AJ Styles and Kurt Angle and the fact that I thought TNA was throwing money away. Well kids, I still feel the same. This was an exercise in giving away a match in order to gain another microscopic amount of a ratings point and it is booking like that that will cost you money. Some will say that I am a Russo hater or that I am too concerned with the fact that people should “pay for the big matches.” Well kids, that is the business. You should have the fans pay for the big matches, that’s the way it has been done for years and that is the way people have made money for years. I will stand to my original argument that this match between AJ and Angle was a PPV match, and not only a PPV match but a main event caliber match that was completely pissed away in 4-minutes and that my friends is the definition of Russo-Riffic.

Onto the argument that you need higher ratings to get higher PPV buys, that is bullshit. This week WWE had 5-hours of programming and drew approximately10-million viewers. The Royal Rumble will get between 400,000-600,000 buys. The UFC will have a go home hype special, drawing 1.5-million viewers and will get anywhere from 400,000-700,000 buys. So you see it isn’t how many viewers you have, it’s how you produce the shows. It is how things are hyped and booked that matter. If you produce good TV with compelling feuds and that ONE fight that people want to pay for you will get good PPV buys, it is as simple as that. So the argument that they need higher ratings to get higher buys isn’t true.

Also I do agree to a point that they are trying to increase ratings to get a second hour. They need the second hour and they need better ratings to get it, but at the same time I don’t think that you have to give away marquee matches to get that. They could have done a tag deal with them on opposite sides, but they didn’t. They gave away a PPV main event and only gave it 4-minutes and AJ lost. AJ Styles, the triple-triple crown winner and poster boy of TNA vs. The Wrestling Machine Kurt Angle. Properly built and promoted that is money, not a throw away match on free TV and in the end that is my problem with it. What’s funny is that for almost three years people have said I am nothing but a TNA apologist, but I never let it bother me. But now people are actually reading what I have to say and see that I am fair in my analysis and now I am a hater. I can’t win I suppose.

SmackDown 1.19.06

I don’t know what else I can say about Bam Bam Bigelow that’s not already been said. Like many I discovered him during his WWF run, but I was pleased to have seen him migrate to ECW following his departure from the Fed, where, I feel, he really found his niche. Some of my favorite memories of ECW involve Bam Bam, namely heaving Spike Dudley over his head, getting a running start, and then hurtling the runt of the Dudley litter into the third row. Of course, my other favorite Bam Bam match was where he dropped the ECW TVT to Rob Van Dam. That title switch elevated RVD and changed his entire career as a consequence. Having only seen clips of the match for years, it appeared that RVD rolled right over him (no pun intended), but, having finally been treated to the bout in its entirety, Bam Bam fought like a pissed off grizzly and made RVD earn that belt. Having been teamed with no less than Shane Douglas and Chris Candido, I was hoping we might see The Beast from the East make a home in ECW, but that was not to be. I think the guy had a hell of a lot of talent and found myself incredibly entertained by him. He was truly one of the best big men ever in the business, someone we could certainly use now. Although I cannot speak toward his character, the fact that he risked his life a few years ago running into a burning building to save the lives of a couple small children trapped inside says a lot in my book. My absolute best to his loved ones, family and, of course, to Scott Charles Bigelow’s spirit.

On a happier note, a huge congratulations to my writing partner and, moreover, my good friend, Larry on his 1000th column for 411! It’s a pleasure to read such quality material from someone whose views so greatly resemble my own and whose passion for the business has no rival in the IWC. Well done, my friend, and here’s to the next 1000!

The Right:

I see we have the tar ready to pave the Road to WrestleMania – Another great addition to this story here tonight as General Manager Teddy Long made the decision to force Mr. Kennedy to face The Undertaker (for costing Taker in last week’s final Beat-the-Clock challenge match) with the stipulation that, should Taker go over, the World Title match at the RUMBLE would become a Triple Threat. Right and good and fair….certainly no complaints from me! The match was a great one, and quite more competitive than I think most would have expected. In the end, though, I gotta hand it to Kennedy, who took advantage of the fact that, although it appears he can hang with Taker, he can’t (fairly) defeat him (a fast and true heel trait). Accordingly, Kennedy brought his contingency plan, jumping Batista, who was sitting at ringside (almost) contributing commentary, inciting the champ to get involved in the match, thus throwing said match, thus sealing out Taker from the RUMBLE match. I love this progression, because we’re watching Kennedy mature, and not only is he growing tougher in the ring, he’s gaining wisdom, becoming a modern-day thinking man’s wrestler, something we REALLY are lacking today. Now it’s pretty obvious that we’re heading for Batista/Taker in Detroit, so you Taker fans will be stoked (especially since he’ll likely become the new champ!), I’ll content myself with Kennedy brushing the sky with this push. As huge a fan as I am of Kennedy, I am steadfast in the thinking that this is still waaaaaaay too early for him to be a world champion; this quality of competition and experience, however, is fantastic for him, placing him in good stead for the day he eventually does hold the belt high.

purgatory:

A quick intro – Loyal readers know what’s up with puRgatory, but I wanted to explain the manner in which I’m utilizing them this week. This section not only represents issues too uncertain to really qualify as a flat-out Right or wRong, but Right situations tainted by wRong, as well. Quite frankly, I don’t think that tonight’s broadcast was as imperfect as I may make it seem; rather, the past two weeks have been SO good, I think McMahonagement set the bar so high, my standards and expectations were upped quite a bit. Regardless, SD! is still the best wrestling program on television!

A little bit Right…a little bit wRong – Am I alone in being kinda disappointed with the No DQ UST match between Chris Benoit and Chavo Guerrero? Let me state for the record, they did the absolute Right thing by factoring out Vickie Guerrero (and the Eddie references, by and large, as a consequence), but this match…well, I guess I was just expecting a little more, considering their amazing talent and experience. I also wish there would have been more build behind Chavo by way of pushing the manner in which he shelved Rey Mysterio in a No DQ environment, thereby compounding his threat to Benoit, both as a performer and a champion. Just because we’ve factored out the awful Eddie portion of the story in this program (my suggestion from the outset) is no reason to deflate one of the contestants in the process. It gives me the sinking feeling that once McMahonagement runs out of Eddie-related ideas, Chavo may as well be reunited with his stick horse (PRAY I’m wRong). By the way, did we ever find out what Chavo and Vickie were plotting that Benoit was apparently sticking his nose into that started this feud in the first place…?

Anyway, with respect to the match, I was a bit disappointed in that it seems to me, considering the fact that both these men, two of the most praiseworthy veterans in the entire company, Benoit seemed to be ducking Chavo’s desperate, one-note offensive attempts in swinging a chair. Granted, this was consistent with his I Quit match against Rey, because the chair afforded him the V in that confrontation, but it just bugs that someone with Chavo’s talent and experience would be so reliant upon that single weapon, which was his eventual undoing. Don’t get me wRong, there was some great action in this match and God bless Benoit for his willingness to bump and bleed the way he did, but it seems to me that McMahonagement was relying too heavily on the performers’ acquiescence to sacrifice in exchange for shortcomings in plot and consistency (certainly not to the extent that we see elsewhere, but, for Foley’s sake, this is Benoit and a Guerrero for the UST).

Elsewhere on the show, Vickie Guerrero asked her new BFF, America’s Next Weave Snatcher, Kristal Marshall, for a private word. My sources tell me Vickie whispered, “Kristal, do you ever get that ‘Not so fresh/I need to be milked’ feeling…?”

A clever rouse, but I see through it! – Okay, this is about as negative as I’ll be in puRgatory this week. Combining programs into a six-man tag is a good way of keeping both stories and the performers involved in them on TV, I’m generally all for it, and I’d certainly rather have Brian Kendrick, Paul London, Dave Taylor and William Regal on the show as not, but it seemed to me as if this match was a stall tactic, either as McMahonagement thinks of where to go with the WWETTT situation as a result of the clean victory by the champs last week, or not having time enough to unfold the next chapter of the plot, as the titleholders were barely even involved tonight. Again, I’m not going to damn this segment, because it really wasn’t wRong at all, but it appeared as if the top tag story was used simply as a means to establish a continuing MVP/Vito program, even though it was pretty much all just a 3-on-1 on the latter performer. I’m intrigued by MVP/Vito, because they seemed to work well together last week, given the clusterfuck sense of desperation due to the Beat-the-Clock stipulation. I’d be interested to see what kind of a match the two could have in a normal, one-on-one setting. Perhaps next week…?

Is that a protective appliance or did Abyss have a yard sale? – I was quite concerned to see Joey Mercury stepping into the ring already, but I suppose the mask allows for him to perform adequately; besides, this really wasn’t a match against Matt Hardy so much as a well-staged, three-minute confrontation to forward along a damn hot program between MNM and THE HARDYS. I’m quite excited to see these young lions battle, I just wish both teams were whole and on the same brand. Sorry, I’m not gonna back down on this one. I suppose one could see this situation two ways, either the manner in which do I, or that this is quite an innovative manner in which to build a tag program, with different members of the team forwarding the program on separate shows. My contention, however, is that this was just the sort of thing the brand split was originally designed to negate, that being, not having to push a program twice in the same week over two separate shows. I suppose it gives Vince a tingle to be able to break his own rules because he can, but honestly…shit or get off the pot.

Again, we can see this one of two ways – I feared King Bookah may be SOL after dropping the WT to Batista, because McMahonagement is notorious for throwing out the proverbial baby with the bathwater, preferring instead to focus on what’s new and shiny as opposed to giving everyone on the roster something solid to do. I’ll not jump the gun and complain about the fact that Bookah has been virtually non-existent for the past three weeks (why not have Bookah and Gregory Helms continue on in their own program based upon their BTC challenge match, stemming from Helms’ desire to jump into the heavyweight ranks, using a former WC as his stepping stone as opposed to being made to look a fool by The Boogeyman?), because I don’t want to have to pull my foot out of my mouth again. Besides, after that impressive WT run, I suppose My Sovereign Lord deserves some time off. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss him and Our Delectable Queen, though!

What the Deuce…?! – A new tag team had their SD! Cherry popped tonight (HA! Geddit?). While the buzz surrounding their ability (or lack thereof) from those who have seen them perform in OVW is dismal at best, they have a solid gimmick (even if I don’t care much for the ‘50s greaser thing, personally) and if nothing else, they’re a new team on the roster who, if booked properly, could help to pave the way toward revitalizing the anemic tag ranks. I will say that I like their finisher. Although not particularly special, it will allow the team to put in serious jeopardy larger opponents such as Kane, whereas a move like THE ROAD WARRIORS’ Doomsday Device would have to be factored out of their arsenal against someone of that size. I also appreciated that they were debuted in action against jobbers, simply as a means to introduce the new team…good, smart booking. Let’s wait and see how they develop and fit in; hopefully they’ll be better than their reputation!

The wRong:

Speaking of Kane – Although I could have put this in puRgatory in a “wait and see how this develops” capacity, I have to wonder what good continuing a BROTHERS OF DESTRUCTION versus The Miz program will do, aside from giving JBL something about which to cheer…

The Ridiculous:

Still okay in this department!

And the rest…

Finally, the burning ECW question answered! – It’s been about a month since I promised to answer the inquiry posed by my buddy Todd Vote with regard to how Vince McMahon contributed to the demise of ECW, but I’ve become sidetracked each week and not had the time to discuss the matter. However, let’s do so now that we have nothing further on our plate, shall we?

We hear a lot about “the WWF/E style” of wrestling, which is exactly what we see and have seen for decades from the company (think in terms of comparing the kind of in-ring performance you see on Raw as opposed to TNA, which also has its own style), as well as what you saw in WCW and ECW, the latter company definitely having its own unique brand of product.

Vince knew that, even with the Spike cable deal, ECW was simply not going to reach as many viewers as watched the WWF and that Paul Heyman, for as good as he was with the book, was no bookkeeper, thus ECW’s future was questionable. Concurrently at war with Eric Bischoff’s WCW, Vince needed to spruce up his product in attempt to win back those who were tuning out and sporting black-and-white nWo t-shirts. Having been aware of ECW for some time (thanks in large part to the fans who had started chanting the franchise’s initials at WWF shows, much like we’re starting to see with TNA today), put plainly, Vince “borrowed” the spottier, showier parts of the ECW style, completely aware of the fact that he could utilize such style on a larger playing field with a more slick and polished production veneer.

And it worked. Established names became even more popular and new stars were created as a result and he did, indeed, win back those migratory fans, and gained many more new ones, known as “the casual fans”, as they wandered away from the product when it ceased to be ‘trendy’ (and, one could say, when the WWF became safe enough, financially speaking, to revert back to its own signature style).

(One could certainly argue that the injuries incurred by virtue of employing such style, and it should be noted that the ECW style is certainly riskier, the nature of the “Holy shit!” chant-inspired spotfests, encouraged Vince to bring his company back around to the old style; however, it’s my contention that, if Vince were really that concerned about the health and welfare of his employees, he’d consider touring a less intense road schedule and allow his performers more time to rest and heal up from the previous night’s show, as did the ECW crew. I understand WWE is a business and, therefore, money is the bottom line, but isn’t there room for balance between protecting your employees, who make your money for you, and not short-changing the fans, who are the reason you have the business in the first place?)

And so, in this manner, Vince managed to make ECW’s own style redundant to the company that pioneered it on the North American continent. They took it and applied it to a built in, global audience with a much glossier production value. The fact that both Raw and ECW were on Spike concurrently, anyone flipping through ECW’s late (Friday) night program would think it was some two-bit backwater promotion trying to copy the WWF, and not the other way around, and shrug it off, preferring to wait for Raw on Monday to see the “real” show.

Now, I’m not suggesting that Vince single-handedly destroyed ECW; that’s a short-sighted, irresponsible and altogether untrue statement, as irresponsible and untrue as it would be to suggest that nicking ECW’s style was the only thing that got the WWF back on top; talent like Steve Austin and The Rock and dX would have gotten over with or without it, and they were already well on the rise before ECW made it to basic cable. Heyman’s inability to manage his finances, along with some sheer bad luck, contributed much more to the death of ECW than anything Vince did, I want to make that plain and clear. However, Vince knew exactly what he was doing at the time, all the while playing along with ECW in the forefront such that he could make a hell of an argument, hands in the air and an incredulous expression on his face.

Once ECW declared bankruptcy, if Heyman can be compared to Nero, Vince must certainly be Pontius Pilot.

Remember people, show Geoff some love by emailing him here: [email protected]

Raw 1.22.07:

The Right:

RIP Bam Bam – I was glad to see WWE acknowledge his passing at the beginning of the show. I would have liked to hear JR and King especially discuss his career a bit, but the thought was nice especially since they have not acknowledged some people passing over the years.

A Reborn HBK opens the show – Shawn Michaels kicked off Raw this week with what has to be described as a money promo. You see there are times when a guy cuts a good promo, and that is all well and good but there is a difference between a promo that is good and one that will make you spend money. And if I didn’t have to buy this PPV to cover it for 411, this would have gone a long way in convincing me to do so. HBK was on fire as he explained that not only did he feel like the old HBK, but that he wanted the WWE title and would win the Rumble. I was DIGGING this shit guys; it was awesome. And then Edge appears, they verbally spar a bit and then they had a tremendous brawl that lasted through the commercial break. This was great stuff as they had fire and passion and made you believe this was real. In the end this was one of the best opening segments on Raw I can remember in a long time, the type of stuff that they are so capable of but have rarely been doing. This is what I have been asking for and damn if I didn’t get it.

HBK vs. Edge and aftermath – This my friends was the definition of a HOME RUN SEGMENT. It was set up with the opening segment I just discussed as well as a good interaction segment between Orton and Edge in the locker room where once again Orton stepped up the promo work to a big time degree. It is no secret that I am not a huge fan of Orton’s promo work, but he once again stepped it up here and I loved it. But onto the match. HBK and Edge DELIVERED big time here in what was an awesome match. Even with the run in, which suited everything, I would go ***¾ – **** easily for this match. I was hooked and as I said, home run and THIS was also money. HBK looked as if he was going to take out Edge lie he did to Orton, when young Randall seemingly rose from a grave and took out HBK. Awesome visual ala Joe and Angle’s first interaction. Orton then tossed Edge, playing off of the dissention from the earlier interview and was about to take out HBK when Flair made the save, looking for revenge. Kenny and Carlito then ran out and as the power of Christ Compelled him HBK delivered a super kick buffet to end the show in an awesome way. This was just tremendous work and as someone who has been very down on the WWE product it makes me happy to say they did such a good job. Awesome stuff here this week and HBK is AWESOME once again as he seemingly is set to carry Raw is he has to.

Money, Money…yeah, yeah! – Ok, I dug the Cryme Tyme segment. Fake Royal Rumble numbers, a print of “The Scream and Ron Simmons all in one segment? Goodness indeed. That made me legit laugh out loud and I really needed a good laugh Monday. Fine stuff for what it was.

Mini-Rumble/Khali decimates/Umaga Kills Cena – All righty then. Coach pissed off Vince when Cena came out and made fun of Vince for the Trump thing so we got Coach vs. Cena part 13 or what ever it was. But Coach in his sneakiness decided that he would have Cena participate in a mini-rumble match before they faced, and the match would only end when Cena was tossed over the top rope. So I have to ask this, why didn’t Cena just let himself get him and fly over the top rope, eliminating himself and then allowing himself to go after Coach? Too easy I suppose. Anyway we had Cade, Murdoch, TWGTT and Viscera. Cena was doing his best and then the RING OF THE KING GREAT KHALI came down to the ring. He went into business for himself and took everyone out, including Viscera who I must compliment here. Big Viscera bumped his ass off for Khali and made him look great. He destroys Cena and tosses him out for the win I suppose. Coach runs down and tries to pin Cena, but the champ is still there and fights back, prompting Umaga to run out and beat down the champ, including him using a Catatonic (Spinning Rock Bottom/Uranage) which looked great. They then laid out Cena on a table and Umaga got the big splash, “rupturing” Cena’s spleen and putting the heat on Umaga. This is classic formula, ala Hogan vs. Monster Heel stuff, but it works and especially works well with Cena right now. Good stuff overall.

puRgatory:

Nothing of Note

The wRong:

Let’s hit the reset button and see what we get… – Once again it appears as if the Raw booking team doesn’t have any clue what to do with Chris Masters. They once again have hit the rest button, ala Carlito; and what did we get…Masters vs. Super Crazy! The sad part is that this didn’t happen all to long ago. As a matter of fact it happened on September 4th and September 11th; both matches Super Crazy won, just like this match. Blah, but I did like the finish. And then there is the fact that after the 4-week Mid-Card rebirth, Super Crazy has been lost as well. But NOW…now he is SUPER…he is CRAZY…he is SUPER CRAZY~! Yeah. Glorious. I am all for trying to give guys direction, but not when restarted dead ended feuds.

The Ridiculous:

WTF…A Special Raw vs. Smackdown match? – Ok Larry, breath…count to 10…it will be ok…it will all be ok…

So this week we had a special Raw vs. Smackdown match to hype a match this Sunday at the Rumble. No sir I did not like this at all. There are just a lot of problems here, Mercury on Raw is one of them, that is not good and they have done an excellent job in the last 6-months of killing the “specialty” of the “Inter-promotional” match. Mercury got jobbed the fuck out here. Sure they played up the face injury really well, but the fact is he lost quickly with little to no offense executed. That wasn’t good in my opinion. Nitro on Smackdown was not good either. They were continuing to build the program really well with Matt vs. Mercury on Smackdown and Jeff vs. Nitro on Raw. They were building them separately like they should, culmination in another tag affair on a big show where they have done the “Inter-promotional” matches. Instead they are just throwing these matches an appearances out there with little to no fanfare and have totally abandoned what the point of the Brand Extension was supposed to be.

Just fuck the Brand Extension because I am sick of complaining about the stupidity they exhibit.

ECW on Sci-Fi!: 1.23.07:

The Right:

Nothing of Note

puRgatory:

Punk vs. Burke – I quite liked this match actually. Burke to me has a boatload of charisma, a good presence in the ring and is learning more by the week. He and Punk had a real good match here, lots of back and forth and both guys looked strong through out for the most part. The only problems I have is that they have obviously lost faith in Punk, especially from the report I had in the news about him. He went from a guy dominating everyone and winning via submission to a guy that needs a chick flashing his opponent and a reversed victory roll to win matches. The momentum is gone, and that sucks. Also, with Terkay gone they seem to want to push Burke, which is cool, but why have him lose the week after defeating the Sandman? That seems very counter productive to me. Good match nonetheless, just booking holding things back.

Mini-Rumble – Overall this was a good idea. They hyped the Rumble with a mini-rumble, all the guys in it are in the main rumble, so a fine idea here. Sabu and Dreamer eliminate each other, Thorn tosses Sandman and we are down to RVD vs. Thorn. Thorn seems to be improving, but the knock on him is that he becomes lazy so we’ll see where that goes. The problem I had is that RVD didn’t need to win this thing. I really would have appreciated if Thorn would have escaped with the win here, it would have been different. I just it is just me, but I appreciate booking that is solid and smart, but different at times, you know? By the way, MEMO to Thorn and Mickie Jay: You fuckers call spots WAY TOO LOUD. The camera was probably too close, but damn it sounded like these guys were yelling spots at the end of the match. Tone it down there guys, when I get emails about it and Meehan starts a thread about it, it is not just me just catching things because I wrestled. You were TOO LOUD!

Marquis Marcus Cor Van: Week #2 – So let’s discuss the Monty Brown experiment, Week #2. First of all I am sure many of you noticed that the spelling of the name was changed from “Marquis” to Marcus. That is because last week they fucked up on commentary and pronounced it “MAR-CUSS” instead of “MAR-KWEE” or “MAR-KEY” as it was intended. A small oversight but funny when you think about it. They apparently didn’t take enough time to inform Joey and Tazz as to the proper way to pronounce the name. But let’s move on.

The music is still atrocious. They are hyping him as the Alpha Male and from “The Animal Kingdom” yet he has theme music that plays in Bourbon Street bordellos announcing him to the ring. There are times when entrance music is VITAL to a performer, and in his case it should set an intense feeling, this does the exact opposite and really needs changed.

The match itself was fine as he killed the young jobber. He looks dangerous and like a player, so that is good. But the lack of call on the POUNCE is bothering me. The fact is that he still has POUNCE on his tights and they never even acknowledge it or call the move, just say what a brutal tackle. Either call the move or change his trunks and rename the damn move already. You are establishing a new character and moves, they need to be things people know about. I believe it’s called branding.

Finally, the reaction he is getting probably isn’t what they are wanting. He isn’t getting “no” reaction, but at the same time isn’t getting a big reaction either. Hopefully that will change.

The wRong:

Nothing of Note

The Ridiculous:

ECW Hates Money: Lashley vs. Test – This Sunday at the Royal Rumble Lashley will defend the title against Test in an extreme rules match. So what did the brain trust that is the ECW booking committee book for this week’s main event? They gave away Lashley vs. Test on free TV. Not a 2-minute brawl and non-ending, no, a full match. And not only was it a full match but Lashley won the match clean. And not only did Lashley win the match clean, but Test was left laying and didn’t get any heat back heading into the match this Sunday. So I ask you, why would people pay to see them fight this Sunday? I understand that the Rumble is the draw, making most of the matches throw away because fans are paying for the once a year rumble match. But the fact is that this was a poor booking choice, a theme for ECW.

NITRO GIRLS 2K7~! – Of all the WCW ideas to use, they choose to resurrect the Nitro Girls? Seriously, I understand that they feel that they need to find something for Kelly Kelly to do, but this is just not it. Let her be a piece of ass for Punk or something but not this. So yeah, we have the new Nitro Girls, the Extreme Vixens or some shit, I didn’t pay attention. They proceeded to do a dance routine that made the Nitro Girls look like a professional dance team. You would think with Layla in there that maybe she could have taught Kelly and Mystery Brook a lesson. Brook apparently was a piece of ass for Dan Rodimier in Deep South. But it wasn’t good and the music stopped before their “routine” was complete. By the way, while not a big as an offender as a lot of things, what the hell was up with Layla being on ECW? Has the latest Diva Search winner been demoted to ECW already? I guess this would be the best use for her since she was a HEAT dancer, but just odd and a disregard for the Brand Extension as usual. I guess the bottom line is what good can this do? Will the Nitro Girls 2K7 sell tickets? No, just another way to kill time instead of you know, booking.

Match Results:

Match #6 – Kurt Angle defeated Mark Henry @ 9:01 via pin (ASS)

The Right:

I hate to say this, nothing

The wRong:

The Cruiser Restart – I did like that they let Helms in, since it was an invitational for all former Cruiser champs, but with him coming in this was more bad foreshadowing in my opinion, they should at least try to not give away all of the results. I hated that they had all 6 men in at the same time. A set up where they HAD to tag in with maybe an elimination deal would have been better, as this was a cluster-fuck the whole time. London actually got to bust put the SSP; it would have been nice if someone would have caught him though. That’s probably why Vince doesn’t let them do cool shit.

In the end this is another Cruiser restart for Smackdown. The champ is hurt, they needed a new one so they did the match, thankfully not another battle royal. They made Helms the champ, which is cool because I marked out, but the fact is he has been destroyed the last few weeks. He lost to Jerry Lawler, he lost in the 2nd chance jobber Rumble and now he is all of the sudden the new Cruiserweight champion. I guess that makes him the champion of the jobbers.

Mid-Card Rumble delivers Mediocrity – First off, before the match we had to see the Spirit Squad. That already had me in a shitty mood. Overall, the Rumble match left a lot to be desired. First off, the Rumble being placed in the middle of the PPV is NOT cool. This PPV has been built for 19-years on that match, and for a while now the match has been a launching pad for a WrestleMania main event match. It really felt like they devalued the match by doing this, just for a cheap parlor trick that wasn’t needed.

They totally telegraphed the HHH and Rey going coast-to-coast deal. To me, that’s losing it’s meaning. They had Benoit just do it in 2004, so to me it seems too soon to bust that out again. He couldn’t have come in 4th? Four is a shitty number as well you know, let’s be a bit creative. Another thing is that they already broke Benoit’s time record, which I think was a bad move, they could have milked that for a while.

I didn’t dig the early moments of the Rumble, as Dean (well, I don’t care about him,) Psicosis and Flair were all tossed with ease. Then, Lashley got a nice little run, but eventually meant nothing as he got tosses, thankfully it took a double chokeslam to do so. Tatanka got to run wild on part of the roster? Why? Goldust took a really shitty bump and the ring was just too clustered at the end. Rey looked like he was napping half the time as well, which annoyed me. I just wasn’t digging on it.

Even the announcing sucked. I so missed JR, especially when Cole and King took the duties. That was about the worst combination that you could have had. Cole was fucking clueless the entire time, and almost NO SOLD the fact that HHH and Rey went wire to wire basically. Around the 50-minute mark, he was like, “hey, they’ve been out there a long time.” They barely acknowledged the time, just that they were fighting to stay in there. It was just so uninspired and did nothing to help the match.

The Boogeyman Squashes JBL – Fist of all I want to give credit to JBL. The man went out there and was a total professional and did his JOB, which happened to BE the JOB this time out, for all the shit he gets, he deserves some praises here.

That being said, this was extremely stupid. WHY would you sacrifice JBL to the Boogeyman? Some will say that JBL can afford a loss; I beg to differ. Losing in 2-minutes is a squash, plain and simple. Boogeyman cannot work to save his life, which is why the match had to be so short. He’s a sideshow, and we’re supposed to just accept this? The guy is fun and all, but he shouldn’t be going over JBL like this. Why? I will tell you, because for almost a year JBL went over the entire Smackdown roster as champion. It’s one thing for Cena and Batista to whoop JBL, because it meant something, but this, this is just stupidity at it’s finest. The Boogeyman has no shelf life at his age, and they are just trying to make a fast buck off of the guy at the expense of the rest of the roster. Nice way to reward a liar.

Angle vs. Henry – This was 9-minutes of hell. I know that people said that Henry had done some good stuff on Smackdown lately. Well, he didn’t show it here. Henry looked like shit, immobile and just bad. Angle looked bad as well, and that is due to his health problems. I feared for his health as he tried to throw Henry around, that was just stupid. Possibly the WORST part of the entire thing is this. Angle didn’t get to win clean. He had to remove the turnbuckle let Henry hit it and then roll him up with the ropes! Great way to build up your new world champion so that he can feud with the Undertaker. Superb work boys!

Edge loses the title – Cena’s elaborate entrance was a pathetic foreshadowing of him winning the title. I mean, when you saw that you HAD to know that Cena was winning. I had a friend there and he thought that it was a special entrance for Edge, since this would be his first main event as champion. Then Cena came out and his words were, “well, the champ is back.” That ridiculous entrance was one of the stupider things that they have done. WrestleMania XII HBK comes down on the zip line; you had to know with that (besides the build) that he would win. This was the same thing here my friends.

Then the match, the match was just lacking to me. It wasn’t bad, but it didn’t feel like it was a title match by the tempo and all. I liked their Raw match much better actually, minus the ending. In the end I think that it was too soon to put the title back on Cena. The plan was working, all of the support was going back to Cena, but three weeks wasn’t enough. Edge was doing very well as champ, and was a big part of the ratings rising on Raw. TO take the title from him so soon was a total buzz-kill, and way too predictable.

The Ridiculous:

Why are Big Show and Rey Friends? – This is another notch on the stupidity meter. Big Show gets his number, and they Rey walks in. Show is all like, “Hey man, I know it’s every man for themselves, but I heard you are dedicating the match to Eddie, that’s cool…good luck.” What the fuck? Just a few months ago Big Show basically shit on “Eddie’s Car” and then powerbombed Rey onto it. Now, all is fine and dandy and they are cool? Please God hire a continuity editor!

All of the Eddie Shit – And that last point brings me to another point, I am so sick and tired of them trotting out Eddie’s name for all of this shit. Show and Rey had their little Eddie moment, Rey dedicated the match to Eddie, Rey rode out the low rider ala Eddie, Rey does his little “talking to Eddie” during the match, and in the end he only won because Eddie died, so that they could have this special moment. Did you notice Chavo got a little run, and was tossed quickly? That’s because he would steal the “Eddie heat” and that was set-aside for Rey, so Chavo had to be disposed of. Then after the match we got to see Benoit, Chavo, DEAN and Rey celebrating, because they’re Eddie’s friends, and he’s dead you know. It just comes off as so fake and abusive to keep dragging this man’s memory out for their storyline convenience. Here’s a clue, try being CREATIVE FOR ONCE, that’s what you get paid to do!

In the end what I truly hated was that it came off like little Rey couldn’t win until Eddie was dead. If they had NOT mentioned Eddie at ALL, accept for maybe the end and had the scene with Benoit, Chavo, DEAN and Rey celebrating I could have been cool, because it wouldn’t have been overdone, if they hadn’t mentioned it I could have been excited that Rey won, but it just seemed so foreshadowed with all of the mentions, and it just totally came off wrong to me.

OMG SUPERNATURAL POWERS~! – Wow, how shit-tacular was this? Taker does his disappearing act, takes a month off after making Randy his bitch and then returns at the end of this show to show that he wants the title. Then, he magically shoots LIGHTNING FROM HIS HANDS AND DESTROYS THE RING! I can only suspend my beliefs, this was crappy, hokey and was the perfect was to end this horrible PPV. This is 2006, no one really cares for these tricks anymore, because it’s all the same. Taker dies, Taker returns, Taker makes someone his bitch, Taker uses magical powers and rinse, wash and repeat. It’s old. it’s tired, I for one an over it, and I think we as fans should demand more.

Closing thoughts:

You don’t understand how much this one hurts. The Rumble is one of my ALL TIME favorite PPV’s. Usually, I come away happy in some way or form because of the Rumble match at least. But I just didn’t feel that way this year. Last year’s show was a great rebound show for them after some poor PPV efforts. New Year’s Revolution was kind of in the middle to me, but with the surprise Edge title win they had some serious momentum. Well, I think they killed it here. The booking was either tasteless or made no sense, the matches weren’t good and for a company with so many great workers and backstage personnel it amazes me that they can put on such a shitty product. Don’t waste your money on this crap-fest of a PPV, but if you want to give your money away I got a bridge in Brooklyn I can sell you instead. 4 out of 10.

READER RANT TIME!

From ZV –

Today I’ve read news that the main event of Impact is Styles vs Angle and I’m pissed off, because it proves that people in TNA are stupid and hate money. You see, I’ve got a friend who watches wrestling only casually and when I told him that TNA signed Angle and will be running Angle vs Joe, he replied “Cool, but tell me when they’ll be doing Angle vs Styles”. I’m sure a lot of other people may feel the same way (because to the casual viewer, AJ Styles is the most exciting wrestler ever), so TNA could sell a ton of PPVs just by Angle vs Styles. What they do? Give it away on free TV. Goddammit, they’re stupid. (unless this will be a no-contest and start a feud between them. Then it may have some merit.)

I just needed to vent on this issue. Keep up the great work, Larry!

From Mike –

Hey Larry. No shit about Khali. I can’t believe you still go to church since the insertion of Khali into the main event scene doubtlessly proves the abscence of a higher power. But anyways, I think the move fortifies something I’ve been thinking about for a while but haven’t seen any member of the IWC tackle yet: Right now the ‘E’ has the weakest roster in nearly ten years. The 2000-2001 incarnation of wwf had arguably the greatest roster ever, stacked top to bottom with great stars and great workers. Then after wcw folded, forget about it! Virtually every name wrestler of the last 20 years under one roof. 2002-2003 might not have been the greatest years in wrestling, due largely to the continued ineptness story wise that began with the invasion, but there can be no doubt that Vince had the greatest collection of wrestlers that any single organization has ever had to offer. But in the last few years we’ve seen Brock Lesnar, Chis Jericho, The Dudleys, Christian and Kurt Angle all hightail it to greener pastures. The passing of Eddie Guerrero.

More recently we’ve had The Big Show and JBL seemingly hang the boots up for good (though the latter has worked out well for all involved) and lest we forget Trish and Lita. With the latest loss of Triple H for at least 6 months (I don’t care what the ‘official’ word says) the hole in the roster only gets bigger with nobody really ready or able to fill it. They can’t even go more than a week or two without having (often unexplained) cross brand appearances and can barely scrape together a decent card for any of the single brand PPV’s. It’s getting out of hand and if the roster hemorrhaging continues I can easily see Cena defending his belt against Trevor Murdoch come Backlash (‘since Orton will be sitting out two months for blowing pot smoke in Steph’s face after calling her a cunt) while a Tatanka vs The Miz vs The Boogeyman triple threat for the vacant Heavyweight championship headlines The Great American Bash. Maybe they won’t get that bad but I think they’ll get worse before they get better as we stare into the face of what could be one of the crappiest years in modern WWE history.

And finally from Dan –

One word to fix the DX situation…
FOLEY!!!

Check these quick facts:
– The last we saw Foley he was being tossed away and fired by Vince McMahon.
– Vince McMahon feuded with HBK and wrestled him at last year’s WrestleMania.
– Mick Foley and Edge beat the holy hell out of each other at WrestleMania.
– At WrestleMania XX, Randy Orton pinned Foley and they followed that with a brutal hardcore match.

Somewhere around No Way Out, there will be a SNME where Rated RKO seek Vince’s help in getting Shawn to fight them. They remind him of their past and Vince agrees to join and watch them destroy him. FOLEY makes the save; Vince gets so irate he rehires him for one night only to be HBK’s partner at Mania against Orton and Edge in a wild Hardcore War.

For more interesting information on wrestling, check out Bryan Alvarez and Figure Four Weekly Online, Mike Campbell over at SPLASH MOUNTAIN and Dr. Keith Lipinski over at Puroresu Power!

Thanks for joining us, PEACE!