The Sunday Morning Hangover 2.11.07: Last of a Dying Breed

Taz classic, the 1998 firebrand with a mile-wide mean streak and a championship called “Fuck the World”. Chokin out suicidal, homicidal madmen. Plunging through rings upon the back of the Beast (from the East). Making UFC professionals tap out in the center of the ring (Polar Bear Paul Varlans seduced into submitting by Missy Hyatt and other assorted backstage sleaziness). Taz evolved from the original “Captain Caveman” (no matter what they call Balls Mahoney) into a weapon of mass destruction for ECW. He shootfighting persona was potent he was chosen to end Kurt Angle‘s fabled undefeated streak in his very first match for WWE!

Rhino came along at the tail end of the original ECW, piggybacking on the coattails of Steve Corino and later the evil “Network” when they started fucking with Paul Heyman. He got over using the cheap heat gimmick of piledriving bitches through tables. Rhino was the shaking, growling man beast in the corner of the Old School King, who became a man of great fortune due to misfortunate events. After every notable talent on the ECW roster was cherry picked by either WCW or WWE, Paul Heyman was left with virtually nothing (ECW World Champion – JUSTIN CREDIBLE!) Rhino just happened to be strongest of a very weak lot, and became title holder out of formality (every wrestling league needs a champion). The promotion then folded up and died for the first time.

A NEW ERA of EXTREME

Bobby Lashley is caught in a strange state of flux between both spectrums. Like Rhino he has seemingly inherited the championship out of necessity (and winning the belt on his first PPV for the brand). Also like Rhino, the promotion is in a state of upheaval around him (firings, house show cancellations, questionable first PPV attempt). But like Taz classic, the new and improved Bobby Lashley has become a wrecking machine. He struggled with RVD for storyline purposes, but has decisively slain Test and Hardcore Holly. He dominated on the biggest stage of weekly wrestling serials when he murdered Kenny Dykstra on RAW. He’s also competing with more ruthless aggression than ever before.

But it’s that same Monday Night squash match above that has got me thinking the worse. It could be an exhibition of dominance for Bobby Lashley as a single entity – not demonstrative of the entire “extreme” style. With the resurrected promotion back on resuscitation (and facing a possible recession) Lashley could be kept looking strong only for an eventual move to RAW when ECW folds again. With their most bankable talents chiefly expended (Big Show out, RVD paroled, CM Punk smothered, Sabu & Sandman untrustworthy) Bobby Lashley finds himself in the same unenviable position as Rhino – the best of a weak lot. VKM Jr could be purging himself of the ECW revival like he did the XFL, and selecting Lashley to receive that last bit of rub from an extreme legend. With no suitable challenger stepping up to the plate, Lashley could just be being groomed for a larger run on RAW as the “final survivor of extreme”. I don’t care how you position it, but Hardcore Holly and Snitsky should be nothing more than enhancement for the already prodigal Lashley mystique. In that sense he could be Rhino, a transition champion who winds up becoming the promotion’s last title holder.

BLACK GOLD

But this is neither a harbinger of doom for Lashley, or a eulogy for ECW. The truth is, I believe ECW will succeed. And I believe that success will be realized with Bobby Lashley at the helm like an old Del the Funky Homosapian song. WWE and Lashley himself are well on their way to securing him as the new improved version of Taz classic. All they need to do is stay the course, grind it out and subscribe to MSD‘s “Black Gold” theory. That’s a strategy to push Lashley with all the passion and electricity of Bill Goldberg in 1998. It’s damn near impossible to recapture lightning in a bottle, especially one that grew from such a grassroots movement as Goldberg’s ascension. But if anybody fits that thrilling mold, it’s Bobby Lashley.

Lashley is the perfect WWE version of Taz classic. He’s got that same mysterious, destructive aura. He’s a walking arsenal of shoot fight tactics and insane suplexes. But more importantly, he has the beef and size so crucial to prolonged exposure in WWE. In a sense, he’s everything Taz classic was and wasn’t. A scientific replication without the same inherent flaws. And if VKM Jr is really is serious about seeing ECW succeed (which I believe he is), Bobby Lashley is the force to build around. A whirling dervish of destructive fury and imminent doom. The path of rage. Black gold in the flesh. We need a Taz classic mid-match promo, like the one versus Sabu when he called out Hogan and Flair on camera. We need to see Lashley slay dragons in stunned silence, like the time Taz choked out 911. Keep Lashley an unbeatable monster capable of nearly inhuman feats. The only thing Lashley doesn’t have goin for him is an intimidating speaking voice, so keep the promos to a minimum. Better yet bring back Bill Alfonso as whistleblower for the purest athlete in WWE since Kurt Angle‘s departure. If WWE can continue to drum up a groundswell of support for Lashley as the next big destructive force in wrestling (something experts had been christening Samoa Joe up until recently), then ECW will not only endure – it will prosper. It’s time for Bobby Lashley to tell the world, “win if you can – survive if I let you!”

MY MIND SPRAY

* More conspiracy talk for the whole WWE/TNA collusion – Hulk Hogan spit out of the VKM Jr/Donald Trump storyline because he played a list of potential Hall of Famers on his favorite radio show. Now he’s smoking some of that TNA bombay? Either Dixie and Linda are sharing a laugh, or Terry Bollea really is the biggest self-serving asshole prick in the industry.

* Call him whatever you want, but Monty Brown keeps the “Alpha Male” tag on his way to wrestling immortality in ECW. The more they keep adding these fresh faces, you gotta love ECW like a nationally televisied version of OVW. Compare that to the waste land of overexposed talent that TNA is slowly becoming and maybe this wrestling war is finally taking off.

* I like Elijah Burke better than CM Punk. I also think Burke is better potraying the high-priced, spoiled pro athlete in the style of TO better than even MVP. I predict big things for this kid in the future.

Until next time, this is the MadStepDad saying “treat a bitch like floor tiles – lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life”.