The Box in the Attic 03.07.07: SmackDown!, July 26, 2001

…

Ok, you’re just going to have to bear with me while the game ends.

Up 4 with 6 seconds left…

Miss by Pitt…

Ok, there we go. MU 75, Pitt 71.

And now back to your irregularly scheduled wrestling column.

Tape Label Says:
Th 7/26, M 7/30

Actual Content Is:
WWF SmackDown! – July 26, 2001
Live to tape from Mellon Arena – Pittsburgh, PA
(Note: Presuming the label is correct, the RAW from the following Monday is also on this tape, but I’m only doing the first show in the interest of my sanity.)

-We actually start with a commercial for America’s Sweethearts, which is a movie that my parents own on DVD, but I’ve never seen. Chris Walken is a funny guy, though.

-And The Drew Carrey Show is our official lead-in. Never really cared for it, but Dr. Cox’s wife from Scrubs was on it (Christa Miller, I think), so it can’t be all bad.

-One World Leader Attitude!

-We start with stills from InVasion (mostly of Steve Austin turning on the WWF team in the main event) and then footage of Austin’s explanation from RAW, where he expressed his jealousy over Vince’s paying lots of attention to Kurt Angle. That was actually a great promo if memory serves, setting up the “Austin as paranoid Alliance Leader” character really well. It all lead to Angle coming out for a brawl to set up Austin-Angle at Summerslam. Angle then lost a multiple-person Tables Match thanks to Austin-ference.

-Old school SmackDown! intro that makes me miss Jericho and The Rock. Oh, and when Kane actually wore a mask. And mattered.

-Our hosts for SD at this point are Michael Cole and JR. Tonight, we’ve got Kane vs. DDP. This was during the period when DDP wasn’t yet a motivational speaker, but was actually still his original WCW character.

-Hardy Boyz (with Lita) vs. Kidman & Hurricane Helms: Matt was European Champion at this point, for those keeping score. Also, it bears noting that Helms wasn’t the super hero he became later, and ‘hurricane’ was just a nickname because he did flying moves and stuff. Brawling to start. Helms distracts Jeff and Kidman gets a spinebuster. Helms gets a backbreaker for 2. Kidman comes in with a slingshot legdrop for 2. Kidman does a neat flip up to the top rope, but gets met with a dropkick on a cross body attempt. Jeff looks for the tag and gets it, bringing Matt in to clean house. Clotheslines and neckbreakers abound. Poetry in Motion sends Kidman rolling out. A try on Helms misses and he rolls up Matt for a close two in a nice spot. Kidman hits a cross body that sends both he and Jeff over the top rope, while Matt runs into a superkick from Helms for 2. Lita gets a rana from the ring steps to Kidman on the outside (still a fairly new spot at the time) and the Twist of Fate-Swanton combo to pick up the win over the WCW jobbe… er… wrestlers. Not bad, and I like seeing throwback Helms every chance I get (he was actually a true bright spot of WCW’s dying days), but it meant nothing in the long run or anything. *1/2

-In the back, “The One” Billy Gunn (and how funny is that?) is working out when his buddy the Big Show comes by with a great idea. Show thinks they should be called the “Show Gunns”. Get it? Show Gunns. Shoguns. I know, it’s not funny. The two actually trade insults, with Show pulling ‘Rockabilly’ out of the catacombs. If you don’t get the reference, then don’t worry about it, because both guys are pretty irrelevant at this point anyway.

-Commercials: Push Pops. Wow, I remember those. They were actually horribly inefficient candies, as the inside of the case got all sticky and on your fingers anyway. And in one sentence, I’ve already over thought both the commercial and the product. Moving on…

-We’re back with the ECW theme bringing out Stephanie, Shane & Paul E. Steph’s chest is out of control here, and it’s REALLY noticeable. Seriously, I’m not the kind of guy that usually mentions stuff like that, but WOWZAH! And it’s a tid bit nipply if I may say so. She gets a loud (and seemingly deserved) “slut” chant from the crowd, and cuts a promo about how the crowd was wrong about the WWF dominating at InVasion. The Alliance had a lot of WWF gold at this point, so all the champions get trotted out. In order:
WCW Tag Team Champions: Sean O’Haire & Chuck Palumbo (without gay innuendo)

WCW Cruiserweight Champion: Billy Kidman (who just competed with no mention of the belt (proving its unimportance))

WWF Hardcore Champion: Rob Van Dam (with HUGE pop from the crowd)

WWF Intercontinental Champion: Lance Storm (without Justin Credible, Dawn Marie, or Team Canada, version 1.0)

WCW Champion & WCW U.S. Title: Booker T (with awesome original Harlem Heat music and short hair)

Kanyon then joins us, as it’s announced that Booker T has decided to hand over the U.S. Title to him, because he doesn’t need two singles titles anyway. Kanyon comes out wearing the TOTALLY AWESOME “Invasion MVP” shirt that I loved at the time and still do. Kanyon is almost in tears over receiving the belt, and does a huge dramatic oversell that has me in stitches.

Oh, and then we get WWF Champion Stone Cold Steve Austin (with totally mediocre new music mix and WCW chyron) to big heel heat from the crowd, but an ovation from the other WCW wrestlers. This whole dynamic is awesome. Angle’s music hits and he joins us on the ramp to run down the Alliance. Pittsburgh is Angle’s hometown in case you didn’t know that, so the pop for him is ENORMOUS and fairly long. Angle says that none of the WCW champions will ever win Olympic Gold (he has a point there), and then puts over the Pittsburgh crowd. I’m not joking, the pops he’s getting are just unbelievable. He challenges Austin to a match that night, so he can bring the WWF Title back where it belongs. Austin balks at that one (because Angle is selfish for wanting all the gold for himself), but offers up Booker T as a replacement (much to Booker’s chagrin). Austin is great. This goes on for a bit more, but you clearly get the idea. All in all, a solid segment to set up the main event.

-Commercials: A hot chick showers naked, so you should buy Stridex Body Focus. I can think of worse reasons to buy things, actually.

-Commissioner William Regal and his well-dressed assistant Tajiri are chatting (with Regal saying ‘midst’ and Tajiri mistakenly thinking he said ‘mist’ in a funny, subtle moment) when your NEW WCW U.S. Champion Kanyon interrupts to request a rematch with Chris Jericho. Kanyon doesn’t want to put his title on the line (on account of him just winning it earlier in the night, of course), so Regal makes him say tongue twisters to accentuate his lisp. The end result is Jericho & Tajiri vs. Kanyon & Rob Van Dam, which is completely fine as far as I’m concerned.

-Dudley Boyz vs. Show-Gunns: Well, at least they paid off the earlier segment by announcing them that way. The Dudleys are pretty well dominated physically here, which is a strange dynamic for them. Whazzup Drop early and the Duds brawl with Billy on the outside. They maintain control for a while back inside and make a series of tags. Billy makes the comeback with a double DDT and tags out to Show. Show gets a nice flurry on both guys (moving around at near lightning speed compared to what he’s been doing in recent years) and goes to chokeslam D-Von, but Bubba cuts it off. Show hits a big double clothesline and brings Gunn back in as the WWF guys clean house on the ECW turncoats. Billy clotheslines D-Von out and a Fameasser looks to finish Bubba, but it only gets two. Bubba goes low to prevent him from hitting The One and Only (Cobra Clutch drop) on D-Von and then baits Show into charging with a clothesline that hits his partner by mistake. The Duds send Show out and finish Gunn with 3D. Not bad, actually, with the Dudleys being all business and Show and Billy doing decent power stuff and hitting their moves cleanly. *1/4

-Up next: more info about Rock’s suspension being lifted.

-Commercials: Ok, this is really unbelievable. A commercial comes on for some ill-fated UPN show called Manhunt (it seemed to be a paintball competition of sorts, but it was hard to tell), but the REAL news is that one of the competitors (and the loudest one by far) was… JOHN F’N CENA! Seriously, future multiple-time WWE Champion John Cena was a reality show contestant on a show with ad time during SmackDown! He’s not billed by name or anything, but I dare anyone to check this out on IMDB or OWW or something, because I’m SURE it was Cena.

-The Rock will be live on RAW on Monday to announce his allegiance to either the WWF or the Alliance. We get a Rock highlight package over Vince’s promo announcing the lifting of his suspension. There’s some funny stuff here, especially the clip of Rock running down the Jericho family and him asking Lillian Garcia if she likes ‘pie’ (Rock: “Just like The Rock thought…”).

-Backstage, Booker can’t stand all this talk about Rocky, but Shane sows the seeds of doubt, noting that The Rock would look great in Alliance colors.

-Commercials: WWF The Music, Volume 5 is out, with the theme songs of Rikishi, Lita, Too Cool and future 2-time NWA World Heavyweight Champion Ron “The Truth” Killings. Ok, so he was called K-Kwik then, but still.

-Lugz Boot of the Week: Undertaker goes after DDP, but accidentally hits his wife Sara with a chair. He should really be more careful, because that counts as spousal abuse in most every state.

-Diamond Dallas Page vs. Kane: It’s strange to think that this match could have been a featured one on a WWF vs. WCW supercard in like 1998. Kane dominates early as this is all brawling for a while. Kane hits his flying clothesline and goes for a chokeslam, but Page elbows out. DDP counters a hip toss to a DDT and gets a neckbreaker. Spinning clothesline gets two for DDP. Page goes up and gets a flying clothesline for two. They do a reversal sequence that ends with Kane countering a Diamond Cutter attempt into a powerslam. Page gets draped over the top rope and punted in the chest a couple of times as Kane takes back control. Sideslam by Kane and then a clothesline over the top to send Page crashing to the floor. Kane follows him and they brawl near the announce table. DDP sends the big guy into the steps and pounds him down. DDP rolls Kane in and grabs a chair, but a big swing misses and Kane kicks it out of his hand. Kane grabs the chair and hits Page in the ribs to draw the DQ. Page gets the chair while Kane argues with the ref and just pastes him in the back, but Kane sits up in relatively short order and DDP goes running for the hills. Kane chokeslams the ref and sets off his turnbuckle pyro to vent his frustration. Match was really solid, and I stand by the earlier statement that a match between the two in 1998 could have been pretty good. **

-Saturn is flirting with Moppy the mop backstage, when Lance Storm comes up to deliver a comically bland promo about Moppy not being welcome at ringside for their upcoming IC Title match because title defenses are serious business (Saturn’s response: “Underoos are fun to wear! You’re welcome!). I didn’t really like Saturn’s character at the time, and it hasn’t aged well at all. Oh, and that wasn’t a dig at Storm’s promo, by the way. I actually think his over-the-top serious style was hilarious (which was totally the point). In fact, his response to Saturn’s gibberish (“Was that a yes?”) had me nearly spit out my beer.

-Commercials: Brewers vs. Padres, Saturday at 6pm. Tony Gwynn is advertised, and he’s been retired for a while, so this is obviously pretty dated. Brewers are going to be GREAT this year, by the way. You heard it here first.

-Subway Slam of the Week: Angle and Austin brawl on RAW. We already covered this in the open, so I’m not going to say any more about it.

-Edge & Christian are walking backstage and go to wish Angle some luck, but run into Tazz. Tazz wants the Suicide Blondes to make him laugh, but instead they make fun of his old Thug Life catchphrase. Pointless filler, but E&C were really funny at the time, so I can forgive it.

-Chris Jericho & Tajiri (without first name) vs. Kanyon & Rob Van Dam: As noted earlier, Kanyon is the WCW U.S. Champion (having won the belt earlier in the evening) and RVD is the WWF Hardcore Champion. RVD is quite possibly the most popular guy in the match (which says something considering Y2J is in there). Kanyon and Jericho start. Lockup and a leapfrog sequence. Tag to Tajiri and the faces take over with kicks. Tajiri and Kanyon do a nice reversal sequence and then Tajiri gets a takedown and a dropkick to the back of the head. Kanyon tags out to RVD, but Mr. Popular runs into a superkick. Tajiri gets a rana, but RVD takes control with some strikes. RVD comes charging, but hits Kanyon by mistake and knocks him to the floor. Spinning heel kick by Tajiri, but Kanyon trips him up and RVD gets a basement dropkick. Kanyon comes in and gets a crucifix into a front facebuster for two when Jericho saves. Kanyon goes for a second-rope Samoan Drop, but Jericho interferes and Tajiri gets a sunset flip powerbomb and then gets the hot tag to Y2J. RVD is in too, but Jericho gets his flying forearm and facebuster. Springboard dropkick sends Kanyon to the floor. Jericho and RVD do a reversal sequence and gets the Walls of Jericho locked in, but Kanyon saves. Jericho tosses Kanyon and Tajiri gets a missile dropkick on RVD. A kick to the head sets up the Tarantula, but Kanyon levels Tajiri with his hard-earned title belt. A Five Star Frogsplash follows and the pin is academic at 3:50. That’s literally as good as a match under four minutes can be. ***, and no, I’m not joking.

-Meanwhile, Saturn is looking everywhere for Moppy. It turns out that Terri has it, forcing Saturn to choose either her or the mop. He, of course, chooses the mop. I’m sure I could make a joke about Terri, but it’s all pretty much been said.

-Commercials: Some car place is celebrating its 26th anniversary prompting me to wonder if there is a less exciting number to celebrate.

-Hardcore Smack of the Night (brought to you by Corn Nuts): Albert press slams Lance Storm, but WCW-ference leads to Storm winning the IC Title. I had actually forgotten that Albert was ever IC Champion, and to put that in perspective, I can do things like name every WWF Champion in chronological order. Oh, well. I suppose he can take solace in having become a well-regarded veteran in Japan.

-WWF Intercontinental Title: Lance Storm © vs. Saturn (with Moppy the mop): Since when does the champion come out to the ring first. That’s why I like ROH so much: they pay lots of attention to detail. The pink tights really complete Saturn’s character well, and I’m not being sarcastic. Storm stomps away to start. A clothesline gets an early two count. Lance actually talks trash, but that only fires Saturn up. Perry comes back and gets an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Storm cuts him off going up and gets a superplex that puts both guys down. Storm gets a superkick for two and goes for a rana, but Saturn turns it into a powerbomb. Saturn sends Storm face-first into Moppy (who is sitting dutifully on the turnbuckle) and hits the Moss-Cov… er… swinging fisherman’s neckbreaker for two. Storm rolls through on an Irish whip and gets the single-leg crab, but Saturn makes the ropes. Storm wipes his ass with Moppy and Saturn just goes nuts and hits Saturn with the mop to draw the DQ. Saturn hits a tope and continues the assault on the outside. Match was technically fine, if bland. The fit some nice stuff in there, though. *1/2

-Backstage, Shane suggests that the Alliance could earn The Rock’s allegiance by reminding him what kind of man Vince really is. I like Heyman and Shane a lot, but Steph just brings the whole group’s dynamic to a screeching halt for me.

-Commercials: MX2002, a glorified update of Excite Bike, is coming out, with a theme song of Fat Lip by Sum41, a song I listened to a fair amount my freshman year in college, actually. To be honest, I may not have heard it in its entirety since.

-Shane-O-Mac joins us to show a video package of the various times that Vince turned on The Rock. The promo actually makes a pretty convincing argument (for a wrestling video package at least), but I think the writing was on the wall that Rock-Austin was the direction they wanted to go, so Rock’s choice was never really in doubt.

-Commercials: Planet of the Apes opens tomorrow. I like the original better, but I don’t think that the remake was as bad as a lot of other people did. It’s not like I own it, but I don’t rush to change the channel if it’s on FX or anything.

-We return with Austin pumping up Booker T for his big title match.

-Edge & Christian (with Edge’s King of the Ring trophy) vs. Tazz & Rhyno (with WWF name spellings): There have been an awful lot of tag team matches tonight. The Alliance guys get separate entrances for whatever reason. Rhyno starts with Edge and pounds away. Edge gets a spinning heel kick but gets tripped up by Tazz allowing Rhyno to take control. Tazz gets some crossface forearms and elbows Edge down. Rhyno comes back in and pounds away some more. Edge reverses a powerslam to the Edge-O-Matic and both guys tag out. Christian takes over and puts Rhyno down with his inverted DDT backbreaker and Edge follows with a double clothesline off the top on both heels. Rhyno responds by hitting him with a spinebuster while Tazz locks the Tazzmission in on Christian. Rhyno misses Edge and ends up hitting the Gore on Christian and Tazz (while Tazz is still holding the Tazzmission) and then turns around into a spear from Edge. In the fray, Christian has landed on Tazz and the ref counts the former ECW World Champion down for the count. The match was nothing, but the finishing sequence after the tags was decent enough. Call it *1/4 for the finish and Rhyno’s energy.

-Backstage, Angle is pumping himself up for his WCW Title shot.

-Tough Enough Rewind: Darryl gets cut because he’s lazy and unmotivated. I’m pretty sure that no one from this original season is still wrestling for WWE. Got to love the effectiveness of that system, huh?

-Commercials: On a syndicated episode of Friends, Monica sleeps with Chandler.

-Earlier tonight: what I described in the opening interview happened. Just scroll up if you need a recap before the main event.

-WCW Title: Booker T © vs. Kurt Angle: Booker enters first, making him the second champion to enter the ring first tonight. This one is almost forgivable given that Angle’s the hometown boy and all, but still. Big chants for Angle before the bell. At least Earl Hebner holds up the belt before the match. Lockup and Booker powers Angle to the corner. Angle reverses and slugs away. Back body drop by Angle and a big clothesline. Angle slams Booker down and grabs the Anklelock, but Booker gets free and bails. They brawl around ringside and slam each other into the announce table a few times. Angle tosses the champ back in and hits him with a high-angle German suplex that lands him on his neck. Angle goes up for another ill-fated moonsault, and Booker predictably rolls away. Booker gets a short-arm clothesline and tosses the challenger. Booker chops away on the outside and tosses Angle into the crowd. They do the WWF Main Event brawl in the crowd for a bit until Angle back body drops Booker over the railing back to ringside in a nice bump. Booker tosses him into the steps to retaliate and then tosses him in. Booker gets a snapmare and a kneedrop for two and then grabs a chinlock. The crowd really gets behind Angle and he fights his way out. Booker stops the comeback with a spinebuster for two. Booker jaws with the ref and then whips Angle to the ropes, but Angle hits a flying forearm to put the champion down. Angle gets a clothesline and an overhead belly-to-belly suplex for two. Angle puts the champ on top and follows him up with a nice superplex. A bunch of Alliance guys join us to try to interfere, but the WWF B-Team joins us as Angle goes for a cover. There’s no ref, however, so no count is made. With all the chaos at ringside, Kanyon sneaks in and wallops Angle with a chair to put him down. The ref is back in the ring and starts counting both men down as various brawls spread throughout the arena. Booker finally crawls over and covers Angle… for two. Both men slug away until Booker gets a sidekick for two. Booker seems to be near tears as he is unable to put Angle away. They do a reversal sequence that ends in Hebner taking an errant Booker superkick to the jaw. Booker goes for the Scissors Kick, but Angle reverses to the Angle Slam and then locks in the Anklelock. Austin of course runs in while the ref is out and cleans Angle’s clock with a Stunner. The announcers cry foul as Booker does the Spinaroonie to celebrate the impending win. Angle, however, grabs the Anklelock out of nowhere and Booker taps in short order at 10:28 to win the WCW Title. Austin is shocked, having walked up the ramp in supposed victory. The crowd loves the decision and Angle celebrates like it’s a huge deal. Not a PPV main event or anything, but solid enough for a TV match. The overbooking was alright given the story they were telling, but probably didn’t require both locker rooms to empty AND a ref bump. They could easily have had Austin slip in during the brawl and done away with the Kanyon-ference. Still, it was a good outing for both guys. ***1/4