The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 08.02.07

Really, you can’t blame any of these men (well except for maybe Funaki). You must put all the blame on Akon. He said so in his newest hit. How did he know the girl wasn’t 21, dammit!!!!

Sorry, sorry, I got off track again. If you want to blame anyone, blame the Raw product and not on an individual. Let’s face it, Raw’s stale. Not so much the storylines but just the overall aspect of the show. As mentioned before, the only match announced was Booker/Lawler which won’t draw any new viewers to the show. Throw in a Sgt. Slaughter appearance (does anyone buy him as a threat anymore) and a main event which had no ramifications and the entire show felt stale (don’t even get me started on the 20 minute Cryme Tyme after-match aftermath).

But wait Jeff, if the opening quarter segment was low, that means people did not even give the show a chance? Why? Was there anything better on television? Well Dateline did have another one of their hit “To Catch a Predator” broadcasts. I wonder if the WWE needs to sign Chris Hansen in an effort to boost ratings.

Actually, I have no idea why the Raw rating was so low. But this is why I never talk ratings. Next week, Raw could be back to normal and this headline doesn’t mean shit. But hey, if it drops again, shit will hit the fan. Now that would be Must See Television.

So Why Did JBL Still Get a Main Event Push?

According to PWInsider, “The official reasoning for Jeff Hardy’s 30-day suspension is being presented as “a lack of maturity”. Whatever he did that was “immature” is not known yet at this moment.”

*COUGHDRUGSCOUGH* And to think Jeff Hardy almost went a year without any problems. Granted he lasted much longer than I expected. I must say that it’s humorous that Jeff Hardy’s MySpace is being used as a credible source in this matter. While there’s a good reason to believe that Hardy did need time off to recover from the injury, it’s more likely that he has been abusing painkillers for the last week and was caught by the now-stricter WWE police. At least that’s my story kids. After years of battling with drugs, Hardy could have been found in a state that seemed “immature’ to officials especially if he went about lying to them.

That or he fucked one of the Divas backstage. I’m not sure if Daivari liked it though.

Correction: Monty Brown Did Have Sex With Katie

According to the usual, Marcus CorVon has been dealing with a death of a immediate family member. No timetable is set on his return.

When Brown does return, he will immediately bring some fresh air to the main event scene. Right now, I (along with many others) are enjoying the John Morrison/CM Punk/Tommy Dreamer storyline and once it plays out, CorVon will have a ready made feud with CM Punk or even Dreamer. Here’s hoping he gets some mic time before his return or else, he will be known as “Black Man with Pounce”. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

It worked for this next guy…

Is There Anyone Left on the Roster?

Randle’s Injury Bug List continues to grow! The newest addition is Bobby Lashley!

According to the main page, “According to WWE.com, Bobby Lashley will undergo arthroscopic surgery on his damaged left shoulder Tuesday in Birmingham, Alabama… Rehab time for arthroscopic surgery is usually 6 to 8 weeks; however, Lashley could be out of action for six months if more severe damage is found…”

I guess we will do the good news first: this is a good time of year for Lashley to get healthy. Fact is, he had a DOA feud with Carlito just in time of the 2nd biggest PPV of the year and from all accounts, he would have stayed away from the main event scene for a while this fall. Now, he gets to recoup and become healthy once again. And when it’s time for his return, you best believe he will be receiving one of the WWE’s always awesome return video packages.

As for the bad news: this is another blow to the crippled WWE roster. With ratings in shambles, losing one of their more-over stars is not good for business. Sure the Carlito feud is nothing to write home about but it at least keeps Lashley in the fore-front of the Raw roster. Now, he will be returning to an overcrowded roster and will be the #5 face behind Cena, HHH, HBK, and Jeff Hardy.

You Mean Not Everything on the Internet is True

According to the Figure 4 Newsletter, “There was a report on the Internet that Teddy Hart was rubbing people the wrong way in OVW already. I was told this week by one source that he was actually on his best behavior, and another source in the company said that any heat he had isn’t “bad heat” (meaning, no one in management is upset with him), but rather jealousy by the other guys because he’s a Hart, has a great body, and is an amazing athlete.”

I’m glad to hear that Teddy Hart has not been acting like his usual douchebag self. A Hart Foundation 2K7 faction could help the WWE get out of their creative slump. In addition to the fact that both Harry Smith and Teddy Hart are good wrestlers, a new Hart Foundation would bring interest to fans who like to watch wrestling for nostalgic reasons. Then again, I know the IWC (including myself) are already creaming about this idea so that when it actually happens, we won’t be happy with it.

In addition to his newfound good behavior, he also looks great in pink!

Quick N Dirty Newz

From Figure 4 Wrestling…

Adieu Rene! Here’s how I will always remember you:

Things surely worked out well here as Kennedy has years of superstardom ahead of him. Man I sound like JR!

But didn’t they do Mysterio/Guerrero and a shitty Batista title match at last year’s Summerslam? And you wonder why I called the programming stale earlier in the report.

I must say it’s pretty sad when the Summerslam card is the last thing on my mind when writing this report. Presently, the show’s DOA unless a real big name match gets added. Right now, the card stands at:

WWE TITLE: John Cena © vs. Randy Orton
WORLD TITLE: The Great Khali © vs. Batista
ECW TITLE: John Morrison © vs. CM Punk (vs. Tommy Dreamer)
US CHAMPIONSHIP: MVP © vs. Matt Hardy
Chavo Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio
King Booker vs. Jerry “the King” Lawler (insert a returning Triple H here)

Yeah, I can’t say I’m that excited at this moment.

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Are You Sure He Didn’t Think TNA Was a Strip Club?

According to the Associated Press, “Adam “Pacman” Jones won’t be wrestling for TNA Entertainment during his season-long suspension from the NFL.

The contract hasn’t been signed yet, and TNA declined to comment Tuesday except to say an announcement is expected by the end of the week.”

What a great signing for TNA! I have no idea how they were able to do this but Pacman complements the TNA roster immensely. At the end of his second season in the NFL, Jones totaled career-high 62 tackles, one sack, 1 forced fumble, 12 deflected passes, 4 interceptions, 130 return yards, one interception touchdown, 14 passes defended (second-team), 440 punt return yards and tied for NFL-high with 3 punt return touchdowns (thanks Wikipedia).

Vince Russo stated, “Jones has great covering speed but lacks ideal size. However, his intensity is top-notch.” How this relates to the wrestling ring is beyond me.

Sure, this is one of the stupidest things that TNA has every done but at least we don’t have to worry about him David Arquetting the title. Really, if Jones is accompanied by 14 members of his posse while Fat Joe’s “Make it Rain (Remix)” blasts over the loud speakers, Jones will be an effective heat magnet. However, if TNA uses him as a special enforcer (which is the role I see him taking), then this will go down as one of the dumbest things in professional wrestling history. Pacman is no Mike Tyson, mark my words. Hell, he’s not even Tito Ortiz.

Well If Pacman Does Sign, I Expect Her to Follow

According to 1Wrestling, “TNA officials are in talks and negotiations with Amy Dumas, better known as Lita, to appear on Spike TV in the fall. Officials within the company would also love to sign Trish Stratus although they believe internally that they have a better chance fulfilling a deal with Dumas. Most likely at the very least, TNA is aiming for a short term deal with her. Although Lita has not really expressed interest in returning to the ring, she recently said on a radio show that she could see herself doing it for a “brief stint”.”

Personally, I think Lita going to TNA would not be good for his post-career. First, even if it’s a short stint, there is no Women’s Division in TNA. Second, by signing with TNA, Lita can kiss a retrospective DVD goodbye and perhaps a Hall of Fame appearance. Lastly, how can she work on her thriving music career with this “distraction?”

Then again, there’s plenty of fresh meat for her in TNA. Skeet skeet skeet skeet, weatherman bought to make it rain!

COMING ATTRACTIONS

I know, I know, I was supposed to do an in-depth look at the upcoming Diva Search. However, there was a lot more important news to speak of so it will have to be postponed until next week. Just promise me that more than 75% of you will come back here next week. You don’t want CSONKA to replace me with Wilcox or even worse, Slimmer!

Until next week…

Marsico’s in tomorrow!

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!