The Fink’s Payload 8.20.07: Two-Hour Impact, TNA worker jumping to WWE and Random Heel Turns

Roll Call!

Dan: Rob, that was truly marvellous. No, really. Anyway, yo.

Ryan: Nice song, Rob, but you’re going to be on your own in performing it. This cat don’t sing. I do, however, write the Impact Crater and the Custom Made News Report every week. I’m Ryan Byers.

Rob: Because Dan has ADHD, he set like, twenty freakin’ homework questions last week, so don’t expect there to be any consistency or logic with this weeks submissions. First of all we’ve got Frightened Inmate #2 telling us how he’d turn Kane heel.

Smack down, before summer slam
about midway into the show, Jamie Noble storms into Teddy Long’s angry and demanding another title shot tonight. He says that Hornswoggle is making a mockery of him, the legacy of the CW Belt and Smackdown. Teddy agrees to a title shot against Hornswoggle at Summerslam, if Noble can win his match tonight. Noble agrees and leaves, but Teddy has a smile on his face.
Later that night, Noble is out in the ring waiting for his opponent. His jaw drops when Finlay’s music plays, and the fighting Irishman walks down to the ring. Noble doesn’t wait for Finlay to get in the ring and attacks early, dominating the first 5 minutes. Finlay gets in control only for some miscommunication with Hornswoggle to allow Noble to use some POWDER, and lock in the Trailer Hitch for the tap out win. Hornswoggle looks nervous outside the ring and Noble motions that the belt is his at Summerslam. Suddenly Kane’s pyro goes off and the big red machine hits the ring. Noble has rolled out and leaves, while Kane destroys an already hurt Finlay, and then gives Hornswoggle a massive chokeslam for good measure leaving them both out in the ring. Teddy later books Kane vs. Finlay for SS.
Summerslam
Noble beats Hornswoggle earlier in the night for the belt. Finlay was found lain out just before the match, leaving Hornswoggle helpless.
Kane hits the ring for his match, but Finlay doesn’t show at first. Kane laughs evilly in the ring, and is about to do his flames, when Finlay’s music plays and he staggers out. He lasts surprisingly long, but Kane is too strong and hits the chokeslam for the 3. Not content with the beatdown, he hits a massive powerbomb afterwards which leaves Finlay clutching his ribs.
Smackdown, week after that
Finlay (with taped ribs) demands a remach with Kane. Long tells him he is not medically fit to fight. Finlay says how much he loves to fight, and Kane is gonna pay tonight.
Kane’s is having a match with Matt Hardy, and looking like he is gonna win when Finlay’s music distracts him, letting Matt grab a roll up win, and Kane goes berserk. Finlay laughs from the stage.
Smackdown, week after that.
Kane demands a match with Finlay. He wants to teach Finlay the true meaning of pain…he wants Finlay to burn. Long tells Kane that Finlay isn’t fit to wrestle still, but if he wins his match tonight he can have Finlay at the next PPV in any match he wants.

Kane is out for his match against Ric Flair, and picks up the win. He callously kicks Flair out of the ring and laughs manically, not revealing what match he has picked.
Smackdown, week after that.
Finlay in ring for a rare promo, saying he’s fought bigger bullies than Kane in Belfast and is still here. He’s not frightened of any match that Kane could think of. Arena goes red, and flames come from the corners. Finlay isn’t fazed, until a video comes on with brutal clips from the inferno matches that have been around the years. Finlay looks abit nervous.
Smackdown, week after that.
Finlay and Hornswoggle get the win over Noble and Shannon Moore after some classic Hornswoggle trickery. As they celebrate, the flames go off and Kane heads to the ring. The Irishmen clear the ring and look to leave through the crown. Noble rolls out the ring, leaving just Kane and Shannon Moore. Kane destroys Moore, with a series of powermoves while Finlay watches. Kane does his corner pyro, and laughs manically before pointing at the flames screaming “You will burn, on Sunday”
PPV
Kane vs. Finlay, inferno match.
Brutal fight as both competitors avoid the flames. Hornswoggle chucks Finlay the shellay and he gains the advantage. Kane fly’s face first into the flames. He covers his face, and leaves howling in pain. Finlay looks stunned at what happened.
Next few weeks after.
Teddy announces new King of the Ring tournament. Kane hasn’t been seen in weeks. Finlay makes it to the finals against MVP and looks to win, when Kane makes a big return wearing the old mask and kit. Classic Kane. He destroys Finlay and MVP…He then ends his feud with Finlay in some first blood match or something, and goes on to challenge the new champion Rey Mysterio, and have some good matches as a dominant heel….

Rob: First and foremost that was wonderfully concise, well laid out and not at all 30 pages long. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me. I think the problem with this is that Finlay is the guy you’re relying on to turn Kane heel, and Finlay isn’t much of a baby-face. I know they’ve sort-of pushed him towards being cheered, but he’s not the kinda guy who draws heat on anyone that attacks him, and that’s what Kane would need to get over as a heel. A program with Matt Hardy or Ric Flair may have helped him more there. I know Kane’s been jobbed to the moon and back but I don’t think there’s ever any problem in convincing people that big-guys are badasses again. Mark Henry and Big Show have gone through terrible periods of being a laughing stock in their careers, but all it takes is a few sick looking power-moves and they become legit again. Still, the final problem is that I think most fans would mark out for the Classic Kane look…not boo the crap out of him.

Dan: Your idea is great except for one little detail – where does Kane actually turn heel? I mean I understand what you’re trying to do but because it’s Kane, the stuff he’s doing doesn’t seem all that heelish and it doesn’t help that he is doing it to Finlay who is already heel. Returning Kane to his old persona certainly isn’t a bad idea and I think you’ve gone the only way you could and that’s to have him be burnt again, thus forcing him to don the mask in order to hide the scars. Good work, mostly.

Ryan: I agree with a lot of Rob’s points on this one. Finlay is a full-on heel and has been for a couple of years now, so I think that you would need something bigger to turn him face before using him to make Kane in to a heel. As far as the return to the mask is concerned, I wouldn’t have a problem with Kane doing that at some point in his career, but I would want to make sure that it was part of the absolute LAST run that he engages in with the company. If it’s done once more for a nostalgia trip before the guy retires, it’s all fun and games. If it’s done for several years during which he is still going to be considered a main player, it’s just pointless regression to a character that we’ve all seen before. This also gets bonus points for being a Smackdown booking plan that ignores the Major Brothers. I saw way too much of those two guys over the last two weeks.

Rob: Next up it’s cody drennen who wants to talk to us about TNA. Despite the fact no one’s listening after Hard Justice.

At the start of TNA’s first 2-hour show, Jim Cornette announces that all three TNA Titles will be on the line tonight as the TNA Tag Team Champions Team 3D will face LAX, the X-Division Champion, Samoa Joe will defend the X Title in a Ultimate X Match against Christopher Daniels, Jay Lethal, and Chris Sabin. The main event will be for the TNA Championship, Kurt Angle defending against Sting.

It is time for the main event and we have that big fight feel to it. Kurt Angle beat Sting to retain the TNA Championship by making Sting tap out to the Angle Lock. As Kurt Angle was celebrating, when in the parking lot, we see that long black limo open up. We see a guy get out but only sees his feet as he is walking. Kurt Angle is confused but continue on celebrating. When the lights go out and some music hits. Jeff Jarrett then walks out to a loud pop. We then have a Jarrett/Angle stare down to end the first TNA Impact show.

Rob: Well for the first 2-hour Impact I’d promote those matches waaaay before the show and not just announce them on the night. Problem with these matches is that I’ve seen them all before. I will honest to god puke if I ever have to see Team 3D and LAX in the same ring again. History has proven it was a dumbass move to put Samoa Joe into the Ultimate X match. And really all you’re proving with the ending is what everyone says about TNA. When in doubt, they bring Jarrett out. That’s not a good thing. It may rhyme, but it’s not a good thing.

Dan: I like it. You highlight everything that’s good about TNA, and look to end the bad stuff. Setting Team 3D/RVD and Sabu is well done and a good way for them to make their debuts, I feel. Van Dam doesn’t need to be pushed right into the main event so I like it. You have also made a potential Roode/Abyss feud which I’d be OK with because Roode would get a bigger rub feuding with Abyss than he would Eric Young. The most important thing is the big main event which some would argue is a dream match. And then you’ve set up the big Angle/Jarrett feud which is fine also. Good work and a good show.

Ryan: As a guy who has done in-depth analysis of every episode of Impact for the past year, it’s pretty easy to tell that this is fantasy booking. You know how? Rhino won a match. (ba-dum CHING!) Seriously, though, I know that TNA would probably want its first two hour show to be something special, but I feel like you’re giving too much away for free here. TNA is a promotion that gets almost all of its money out of pay per view events, so you need to take a less is more approach on TV and save the big stuff for PPV, even more so than companies like WWE do. It is true that you’ve set up a couple of pay per view matches when it comes to Angle vs. Jarrett and Sabu/RVD vs. The Dudleys. However, I think that Sting versus Angle in a legitimate main event isn’t something that should be given away. Ditto for the Ultimate X match.

Rob: Bronbron402 pitches in his plan for the first two-hour Impact.

The first impact will be a very important one, and must be good if TNA wants to have success. I would say make the first Impact very important, maybe a live event because if something is live it seems more important. We’ll say they get the 2 hours the night after their next ppv where abyss and angle headline.

With about 30 minutes left they do the special ring annoucnment thing and Tenay and west hype the main event big time. Joe comes out first and then Angle. They don’t really incorparate the cage into the match and it ends up being a classic. After a great sequence of near falls Angle locks in the Ankle lock but Joe reverses it and whips Angle into a turnbuckle. Muscle Busta and the crowd erupts. Joe flips him over and locks in the choke. Angle fights but taps and Joe is the new champ. Throughout the whole champ the annoucers put over how Angle is hurt and not at 100%. Joe holds the belt up and celebrates with the crowd. A tired Angle pics up a mic and yells to Joe ” Hey fat***, you couldnt beat me without hitting me with a chair earlier, and im coming for my belt at Bound for Glory!” as the show goes off air.

Rob: Again, you might want to advertise the huge Joe/Angle match beforehand, otherwise you’re not going to get any viewers. It’s not a bad show, it continues all the current storylines and have Joe win the title is a good move but…this is just a longer version of the one-hour Impact. The first time TNA get two hours, they need to do something different, they need to really bring it and show they can compete at that level. And the fat-ass comment is not a good idea for your new champion.

Dan: Dan: I’m not sure how I feel about this one. For a lot of it, there’s nothing new and it seems at times that it’s the same old stuff, other than the big main event. Giving away Joe’s title win on TV would usually be a bad idea, but as this is the first two hour Impact, I don’t think t is as bad.

Ryan: My main comment is the same thing that I said in response to the prior entry: TNA CANNOT afford to give this much away on free TV. It makes sense for WWE to do high caliber matches every week on free television because they make the majority of their money off of TV rights fees and therefore need to keep their networks as happy as possible so that they can keep their rights fees high when it comes time to renegotiate their television deals. TNA, on the other hand, has PPV as its number one revenue stream. Though they need to keep the network happy so that they can stay on the air, TV ratings aren’t nearly as important for their business success as converting a high percentage of Impact viewers in to PPV buyers. At the end of the day, PPV is bringing them a larger piece of their pie. I also echo Rob’s sentiments when it comes to building up matches as opposed to giving them away unannounced, especially when those matches are going to lead to title changes. I also don’t like the concept of having two title changes on the same show. It comes off as change for the sake of change as opposed to change that is meaningful and happens as a result of the fans being invested in the outcome of a storyline. Change for the sake of change is something that we saw time and time again when the powers that be in WCW would “reset” the company every few weeks in desperate ratings grabs. TNA doesn’t need desperate ratings grabs if they’re going to turn their poor business around and make a two hour television program in to a success. They need to start off where they are and slowly build to a new direction as opposed to flipping a switch and changing most everything in one night, which is what appears to have happened in this submission.

Rob: Well Tom has chosen to submit a suggestion for a TNA star to jump to the WWE. He’s also chosen to write his submission in an extremely annoying format which I have neither the time nor the patience to alter. If you don’t like the fact it’s half the normal width of the page, blame Tom.

Prelude – November, Suvivor Series.

(You can remove this in editing – Sting appearing in the WWE is a long shot,
but he has stated he intends to be done with TNA by the end of the year. I
also believe that if he’d ever appear there, it’d be for Flair’s final
match. WWE would also like to one-up TNA by having Sting’s final match, and
I believe that Sting & Flair at Wrestlemania would draw huge, likewise Sting
Vs Flair at the Rumble – WWE would offer Sting any money to sign up. JR has
said it’s unlikely, but he’d hardly give away such a big storyline.)

Rob: Now you can probably tell that Tom has merged his submission with an earlier one about Flair’s retirement. That said, it does come off that way. Sting jumps from TNA to WWE just so he can be around when Flair retires? The problem I have is that Sting moving to WWE is the last great move in the wrestling world. We’ll never have another one like it unless Triple H moves to TNA. So for him to get sidelined into a supporting role, and not interacted with any of the huge WWE names that he could have awesome chemistry with is a big let-down. I know it’s been done that way, because you also wanted it to be Flair’s retirement story. But to promoted the last ever Flair Vs Sting match at the Rumble in the WWE…and then have it go to No Contest because of interference? That’s just bad booking. I’d storm the WWE offices and take my fucking money back for that show.

Dan: Dan: Bringing in Sting to face Flair? Fine with me, I’d love to see it. Not doing it at Mania? Wrong way to go if you ask me. Jobbing out to future stars in Orton and MVP to two guys who are just retiring? Terrible move, but I can see why you’d do it.

Ryan: Okay, you’ve broken a major rule of professional wrestling right here. Sting and Ric Flair are partners headed in to a major match with two heels . . . BUT FLAIR DIDN’T TURN ON STING! C’mon! Sting’s entire career has been spent naively getting himself in to situations like this only to have Flair turn on his gullible ass and lead a classic Horseman-esque beatdown! If a promotion actually booked this angle without having that as the outcome, chances are good that the universe as we know it would cease to exist. Flair must turn on Sting. Period. It’s like the sun rising in the east or rain rolling downhill.

Rob: Next in line is Jacob Polson with a heel turn submission.

So Summerslam blah blah blah Batista wins everyone goes insane blah.

This could set up a Undertaker/ Batista feud or even a Rey / Taker feud with Kevin Thorn staying on Smackdown to open up some new angles. Raw and Smackdown have to lose a few superstars to ECW maybe Shawn Michaels will return and help ECW out. I think Smackdown should go well with a Taker heel champ and getting the spotlight of Khali and Henry. I may have bent the rules a bit, but I think It could work.

Rob: Basically you’ve not done nearly enough to turn Undertaker heel. He was beating the crap out of Batista before Mania and getting cheered every week. The problem is that Batista is a week face, and Taker is a uber-over-face that everyone loves. Allying himself with Kevin Thorn? Not gonna do it. Beating up Mark Henry? Not gonna do it. Using some sneaking tactics to win matches? Still not buying it. Taker needs to kill a virgin in the ring and then take a shit on Eddie Guerrero’s grave to draw any heat. Maybe killing the Pope would get him booed, but I doubt it. Also you had Mark Henry get his ass kicked by Kevin Thorn twice, without any build up for Thorn. I love the guy, but I spend every week watching Stevie Richards hand him his testicles in the ring. I ain’t gonna buy that the guy can now overcome someone like Henry.

Dan: Thorn and Taker? Not bad, I like it. Taker as a heel didn’t work very well in 2004 though so I doubt you’ll be able to turn him heel in 2007. Putting the gold on Taker when he returns is a wise move in my opinion, but only as a face.

Ryan: God, I can’t stand Kevin Thorne . . . but that’s another topic for another time. As far as the storyline you’ve got put together is concerned, my main problem with it was that you seemingly turned the entire Smackdown main event scene within the span of about two weeks. Taker obviously turned heel, as that was the primary thrust of your submission. However, by feuding with the newly heel Taker and his flunky, it appears that Mark Henry and the Great Khali would also have to become faces. Of course, there are obvious issues with making the two largest, scariest men on your roster in to good guys. However, the problems run a little bit deeper than that. The one way to virtually guarantee that heel and face turns are ineffective is to do a large number of them within a relatively short period of time. Here you’ve got three major players switching alignments one right after the other, and I can virtually guarantee that by the end of the angle nobody in the crowd would be reacting to the flip-flops. I’ve said it twice already int his column, but I’ll go back and say it one more time: Less is more.

Rob: P-Kon’s back, brother! And he’s bringing some Summerslam booking with him.

8-20-07: Final Raw before Summerslam. What we know for sure is King Booker vs HHH and Orton vs Cena for the WWE Championship. I would start with Carlito’s Cabana, but with a hut of some typr in the ring. Carlito challenges Umaga for the Intercontinental Title at Summerslam and calls him out to accpet. Umaga comes out of the hut and destroys Carlito.
1. Cryme Tyme picks up the win in a four way tag team match against London and Kendrick, WGTT, and The Highlanders.
2. Ken Kennedy cuts a promo about how he would love it if he was found to be Vince’s son. Then he pins Val Venis and announces the winner Mrrrrrr. Kennedy…..McMahon.
King Booker promos on his match with HHH at Summerslam. Santino then walks from the back and calls Maria out to the ring. She comes out and he talks about them being a couple and her backstage talking to other guys. He orders her to be his and only his. When she turns to leave he grabs her by the hair, drags her the the turnbuckle and starts yelling at her. DAMN! Ron Simmons comes out and rescues Maria. He backs down santino, then santino low blows him out of nowhere and throws maria over his shoulder and runs away.
3. Umaga beats Orton via DQ when Carlito interferred. Beatdown on Umaga, Cena makes the save.
Cryme Tyme ask Regal if they could “steal” some gold at Summerslam. Regal says they cant steal it but they can earn it like everyone else has to, if its okay with the champions. Cade&Murdoch agree on the condition that they can beat them in a non title match tonight.
4. Cryme Tyme gets their second win of the night via DQ when the champs snap and kill them for a few minutes post match. So its on at SS, Cryme Tyme vs Cade&Murdoch for the World Tag Team Championship.
Vince Promo. Nuff said.
5. Jillian and Beth Phoenix pick up the win over Candice and MJ following interference by Melina.
6. Cena and Carlito face off in the main event. Orton comes in to help Carlito when Cena goes nuts with a chair on both Carlito and Orton, earning a DQ. Umaga runs into the ring while the dastardly heels retreat up the ramp. Main events stare down….

Summerslam: In the middle somewhere i’d have Mark henry and Finlay seemingly get haunted by the Brothers of Destruction.
1. Matt Hardy b. MVP to become the new US Champion
2. HHH b. King Booker
3. Big Daddy V vs. Boogeyman ends in a no contest or a DQ with Boogey winning
4. John Morrison b. CM Punk to retain the ECW Title
5. Umaga b. Carlito to retain the Intercontinental Championship
6. Rey b. Chavo
7. Cade&Murdoch b. Cryme Tyme to retain the WTTT
8. Batista b. Khali to become the new World Heavyweight Champion
9. Randy Orton b. John Cena to become the new WWE Champion

Rob: I don’t have a whole lot to say here. This is pretty much the Summerslam card we already have only, y’know, with Tag Team Matches. I don’t love it, I don’t hate it, you’ve booked things along a steady, similar path to the WWE.

Dan: As a regular pay-per-view this would run fine and be really good. However, this is Summerslam, the second biggest show of the year. It’s not that the matches are bad per se, but I think Backlash proved that shows work better when you have less matches. As of right now they have Rey/Chavo, Punk/Morrison, Khali/Batista, Cena/Orton and Triple H/Booker. I think if you add MVP/Hardy (because that’s the best built) then you have a damn good card. The thing with having tri-branded pay-per-views is you don’t need to have everyone from every shot on the card because the next pay-per-view is always only a few weeks away. And I have to ask, why put Morrison over Punk?

Ryan: When I saw the number of undercard angles that you were putting on the TV shows, I was afraid that you were going to try to put together a fifteen match Summerslam card. However, at the end of the day, you came through and kept the card down to a reasonable number of matches. I still might get rid of Viscera versus the Boogeyman just because you’ve got two big returns on the show (Trips and Rey Rey), and you know those two contests will need extra long entrances and celebrations for our returning heroes. Otherwise it’s a solid card up and down, with a small critique being that Carlito is getting a title match despite the fact that he’s done absolutely nothing to earn it aside from acting as the job boy amongst the Cena/Umaga/Orton/Carlito foursome for the last several weeks. Given the current state of undercard titles in WWE, though, that’s a minor point.

Rob: We finish up this week with joe hoferer booking his Summerslam card.

Intercontinental Title: Umaga vs. Carlito vs. Mr. Kennedy- Going into the PPV Carlito and Umaga have contact through the RKO vs. Cena feud and also, Carlito and Kennedy have interaction through the “I should be #1 Contender for Cena” angle, so the set up for this would not be all that difficult. Carlito invites Kennedy to be his guest on the Cabana. Carlito brings up the fact that both he and Kennedy made their claim to both be #1 no one took notice and did anything for them Carlito adds the comment “although my win over the Champ was cooler than you taking out bobby Lashley” makes Kennedy a little upset and he grabs the mic for a comeback only to be interrupted by Regal, saying “if you two want to argue why don’t you use actions instead of words, after all that is what you work here for if I am correct. Why not this Sunday at SummerSlam? I will put you two into a match that will determine who is better than who, OH and also I’ve added Umanga , good day gentlemen” JR informs us later that the match will be for the IC title also and that it should be a good one. Semi-decent match with some good action, finish comes when Carlito ducks Umaga rushing at him sending the big man to the outside, Carlito watches with a smirk until Kennedy hits a standing rollup pin for the win. Giving Kennedy the IC belt will make him look better if he is involved in the McMahon illegitimate child angle, or it could be a build towards the right direction for his push to the big time.

That would make the final card:
Orton-Cena
Batista-Khali
Punk-Morrison
HHH-Booker
Rey-Chavo
Umaga-Carlito-Kennedy
Kane-Finlay
MVP-Hardy

Rob: Having Carlito, Umaga and Kennedy wrestle for the #1 Contender spot AND the IC title is horrible. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Firstly what you’re doing is reducing the IC title to a secondary thought, just tossing it in at the end when it’s clearly not being valued as highly as the #1 Contender spot. Not to mention the fact that Kennedy is so far beyond those second-tier titles that all it would down is bring him down and lumber him with a bad position on the card. For that matter I think Carlito shouldn’t be hanging around the IC level either, as Raw is desperate for some fresh faces in the main event and with the right booking and commitment that could easily be Carlito in the upper-mid-card. Giving him the belt is like giving the Cruiserweight Title to Matt Hardy, it’s a massive step backwards for them. Also, MVP needs to go over Hardy in the ladder match. MVP’s schtick is beating people at their own game, like Benoit in the 2 Out Of 3 Falls, and his feud with Hardy should be much longer than it currently is, there’s no need to blow if off so early and give Hardy the belt.

Dan: Take what I said about the last idea, add what Rob said about MVP/Hardy and the IC title match and you have my comments.

Ryan: I sort of chuckled when you mentioned that the IC Title will make Ken Kennedy look better if he’s involved in the illegitimate child angle. I don’t know if you’ve watched WWE TV at any point in the last eight years or so, but involvement in a major soap opera angle like this one means FAR more than the Intercontinental Title does. Whether you think that is a good thing or a bad thing, it’s reality. Kennedy would look great simply by virtue of the fact that he was involved in the story, regardless of what belt he is wearing at the time. In fact, putting the strap on him before getting him involved in the storyline may devalue the championship more than it already has been, because Kennedy’s time on Raw would be spent participating in the McMahon angle as opposed to defending his championship and building towards a successful reign with it. And, though I know I’m supposed to be critique the readers, I’ve got to take a step aside for a second and chide Rob for suggesting that Carlito be put anywhere near the upper midcard. This guy has proven to be a completely unmotivated putz who’s poor in the ring and hasn’t put any effort whatsoever in to getting better. He can talk a good game, but that’s about the extent of his abilities. I’d much rather that he remain undercard fodder for the rest of his career.

Rob: And now the part of the show where we give our own suggestions and thoughts on the homework. Since I gave somebody shit for not turning Undertaker heel enough, I thought I’d put my money where my mouth is and take a crack at it myself.
Turning Taker Heel
Taker returns to face Mark Henry at Unforgiven, with his usual pomp and ceremony of druids. He is promptly beaten by Henry for a clean pin-fall. The fans are not happy. Undertaker is not happy. He takes out his frustration on the referee and then proceeds to beat the crap out of his druids. More referees try to stop him, and Taker lays a beating on them as well.
On Smackdown, Teddy Long announces that Undertaker was scheduled to be in a #1 Contender’s Match with Rey Mysterio, but because of Taker’s violent outburst against WWE employees, Ric Flair will be replacing him. During said match, Undertaker interferes and Chokeslams both Flair and Mysterio.
Teddy Long brings back the one and only Paul Bearer to try and reign Undertaker in. Paul summons Undertaker to the ring using the famous Urn…but Taker proceeds to beat and bloody Paul Bearer, using the Urn as a weapon. In retaliation, Teddy Long bans Undertaker from taking part in the No Mercy Pay-Per-View. The Undertaker ignores his ban and shows up at No Mercy with a new look, similar to his short-haired American Badass look (but without the bike) and wearing the trench-coat. Taker attacks Teddy Long and Chokeslams him. When Krystal tries to help her husband, Taker kicks her in the face and gives her a Last Ride.
Undertaker proceeds to feud with Matt Hardy, re-ignites his old Ric Flair feud from the last time he was a heel, then feuds with Rey Mysterio before finally heading back into the championship scene with some serious heel credibility.

Dan: I’m going to book the first 2 hour episode of Impact. Let’s say it’s just after Bound For Gory, Kurt Angle is TNA World Champion, Samoa Joe is X Champion again and Team 3D are tag champs.

The show kicks off with a triple threat match for the X Division title and it’s a rematch of the greatest TNA match of all time; Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles vs. Christopher Daniels. It’s given a good 25 minutes, and Tomko interferes, distracting Joe long enough for Styles to hit the Styles Clash for the win.

After the break, Cage comes out and congratulates AJ, but he has something to say, he wants a shot at the TNA title tonight. Sting comes out, he wants a shot, Abyss comes out and he wants a shot. Cornette is out and he makes a four way for tonight.

In the next match, The Motor City Machine Guns beat Lethal and Dutt in a tag match.

We then get a promo from Kurt Angle, telling us he is the best and will retain tonight.

Four Way Six Sides of Steel Tag Team Title Match: Team 3D defend against LAX, VKM and The Steiners. LAX regain the gold after a Border Toss to BG James.

We have backstage interviews with the three guys who challenger Angle tonight. In Cage’s promo, AJ interrupts and wants to celebrate. Cage says AJ’s win means nothing unless he makes sure Cage wins the TNA World title tonight.

Tomko and Andrew Martin have a street fight. Martin goes over after interference from Joe.

Gail Kim beats Tracy Brooks and Jackie Moore in a three-way match.

It’s main event time and it’s elimination rules. Abyss is eliminated by Cage after Ricky Banderas attacks Abyss and then Cage hits frog splash. Cage is gone next as AJ Styles interferes and inadvertently takes Cage out with a chair leading to Sting applying the Scorpian Deathlock for the submission. Cage shoves Styles, slaps him, and they brawl to the back. Sting and Angle go at it, but in the end Angle forces the win via Ankle Lock. Jeff Jarrett returns and takes Angle out with his guitar post match.

This sets up a Cage/Styles feud over the X title. They trade the belt back and forth and AJ eventually wins and goes back to the X Division. We also have the tag titles on LAX who will feud with MCMG and XXX. Abyss feuds with Banderas and Joe feuds with Tomko. Angle and Jarrett feud. So that leaves Genesis to look like this:

X Title: Cage vs. Styles
Joe vs. Tomko
Tag Team Titles: LAX vs. MCMG vs. XXX (this feud would advance to be an Ultimate X match somewhere down the road)
Abyss vs. Banderas
Team 3D vs. Steiners with a gimmick
TNA Title: Jarrett vs. Angle

Hey look, simple booking that leads to something!

Ryan: Well, I’ve got a plethora of assignments to choose from this week, don’t I? I’ll pass on the Summerslam assignment because, as we saw above, it would just result in me coming up with two fairly meaningless undercard matches. I’ll pass on booking Impact’s first two hour show, because the company needs far more than one good show to turn around their fortunes at this point. That leaves me with either turning a wrestler or booking somebody as they jump ship from WWE to TNA or vice versa. I think I’ll go with the latter.

Impact, August 23: Jeremy Borash shills for TNA Mobile, saying that this week’s news is a huge WWE star getting ready to make his TNA debut! Nobody actually finds out who the WWE star is, because, let’s face it, nobody wastes their time or money on TNA mobile.

Impact, August 30: Mike Tenay and Don West spend the entire hour talking about how, on the upcoming No Surrender pay per view, TNA will have a shocking announcement that will shock everybody and will change the course of professional wrestling history as we know it. Oh yeah, and it’ll be shocking.

Impact, September 6: Christian Cage comes out and cuts a promo. He says that he’s heard TNA has a shocking announcement that will shock everybody and be shocking at the pay per view. He says that whatever the announcement is doesn’t matter to him, because he’s been around TNA for over a year now. He’s heard 7,500 shocking announcements that will change the course of history in that time, and none of them have actually affected him. The Dudley Boys interrupt. They say that they don’t care what the shocking surprise is either, because they are sixteen-time Tag Team Champions. Bubba talks about how when they were in ECW, they used to fight through brutal matches involving tacks and flaming tables. He talks about how when they were in the WWF, they revolutionized the pro wrestling industry with their TLC matches and became legends. Then he says that now that they’re back in ECW, they’re going to pick up right where they left off! D-Von politely reminds his brother that they’re not back in ECW. “Where are we, then?” asks Bubba. D-Von replies that they are in TNA. “Where?”

No Surrender, September 9: Mike Tenay is in the ring for the shocking announcement that will shock the world. He calls out Jim Cornette of TNA management. Cornette says that the shocking announcement is that a WWE star will debut on the next episode of Impact. The fans are annoyed that nothing was actually revealed on the pay per view. Don West, however, has an orgasm live on the air the second the “surprise” is revealed.

Impact, September 13: Mike Tenay and Don West spend the entire show talking about how they can’t wait for the WWE star to arrive. Matches and interviews take place completely unrelated to the WWE star, but Mike and Don don’t bother to call them. They just talk about how great WWE is, how great it will be to have a WWE star on the roster, and how this will really put TNA on the map. “I wish I could be watching Monday Night Raw right now!” Tenay exclaims. The main event of Impact is Christian, Kurt Angle, & Kevin Nash against Sting, Samoa Joe, & Abyss in a match that was announced five minutes before it started. Plus there are special rules in this match. The referee has an earpiece on, and the earpiece randomly plays music in to his ear. He’s not allowed to count pinfalls when the music in his ear is performed by an artist whose last name begins with the letters S, L, or H. Nobody knows why this stipulation exists. It just does.

Halfway through the match, the lights go out and odd music starts playing. Mike Tenay says that this must be the debut of the WWE star! When the lights come back on, the WWE star is nowhere to be seen, but all six men who were wrestling are unconscious in the ring. Kevin Nash is declared the winner of the match and new X Division Champion. Why? It’s not really touched on.

Impact, September 20: This week’s main event is the Steiner Brothers versus Samoa Joe, Karen Angle, and the lucky fan who was sitting in seat number 531-G. The weird music from last week starts playing again, but this time the lights don’t go out. Karen, the fan, and the Steiners all run away because they’re afraid of what the WWE star will do to them. Joe is left standing alone in the ring. Unsure of what to do, he pulls a Hostess Cupcake out of his trunks and starts eating it. Mike Tenay says something about “comfort food.” Then, out of nowhere, the WWE star jumps Joe from behind! IT’S HORNSWOGGLE! The former Little Bastard nails Joe with three big fists to the knee and then whips him in to the ropes. Bastard takes Joe down with a drop toe hold as he’s coming off and then dropkicks him in the side of the head. Hornswoggle traps Joe in Joe’s own chokehold, and Samoa Joe passes out. The show fades to black as Tenay and West talk about how the TNA Champion is in trouble, because a big WWE star is here and ready to take the gold!

I hope everybody liked that. I tried to remain as true to TNA’s current booking philosophies as possible.