wrestling / Columns
You’re An Idiot And Here’s Why 8.23.07: Andrew Martin, Jeff Hardy & Batista
*Sigh* When is something going to happen in the wrestling world? Every week it’s like trying to draw blood from a stone. Who would have thought that the same industry which brought us Shockmaster, Katie Vick and the Viagra On A Pole Match would ever fail to provide me with a weekly Idiot.
With no run-away winner this week, I shall yet again be turning the voting over to you folks, the Idiot-Maniacs all across the globe. I’ll run through a list of this week’s Idiotic Candidates and it’ll be up to you to vote for this week’s Idiot.
Idiotic Candidate #1 – “The Punisher” Andrew Martin
Andrew Martin recently made his debut in TNA under a brand new name. TNA, fearful of a copyright infringement with the WWE, decided not to have Andrew Martin use his established wrestling name of Test. So instead they decided to pick a name that would avoid any messy legal battles with a huge entertainment company…and so, of course, they called him The Punisher. Great move TNA! You really went the fucking distance in trying to find a name that nobody else has ever used before! I’m sure that Marvel Comics will have no problem letting you use the name of one of their most popular and recognisable characters who has his very own multi-million dollar movie and video game franchise. Hey, Marvel Comics were cool with the WWE using “Hulk” Hogan for all those years so I guess…oh no, wait a minute, there were all of those court cases and Vince had to pay Marvel a million bucks every time he used the stupid fucking name. But y’know…I’m sure they’ll make an exception for you.
Idiotic Candidate #2 – Jeff Hardy Due To Return From Suspension
Just fire the coked-up little shit! He’s either late to work, or he doesn’t fucking turn up! And what exactly is his skill when he is present? He’s good at falling off things that are quite high up? He dances like an epileptic at a rave? He’s only very sloppy half the time he’s in the ring? Oh no, I know what his skill is. Every single time he’s on the scene he stalls his brother’s career by another 8 months and forces Matt back into a redundant tag team position. Good job.
Idiotic Candidate #3 – Batista’s Book
Online reports are alleging that Batista’s upcoming books is full of criticism for everybody he hates and doesn’t respect in the WWE…which extends to most of the roster. Batista has drawn the ire of the WWE locker room on many occasions for his behaviour, so he’s decided to mend those bridges by calling everyone a big-gay-fairy-queen. And then, just to be fair, he turns he slags off the WWE Creative Staff and Management as well. Because y’know…why not take a shit in your bosses’ desk? What the fuck is he gonna do about it? Oh, and just to put the final icing on the cake, Batista apparently discloses intimate details of every single woman he’s slept with during his WWE career. So on one hand, best-WWE-book-ever. On the other hand, worst-carrer-move-made-by-a-48-year-old-wrestler-already-hated-by-everyone-ever.
Okay, let’s see who’s pissing and whining about last week’s column, shall we?
Craig McNicoll thinks I don’t have access to the Internet and wrote to inform me…
It’s not the IWGP title that Angle is holding, the IWGP title is Yuji Nagata. Despite what Antonio Inoki and TNA would have you belive, the belt Angle holds is about as legitimate as WCW’s old International title.
You…you do know that I work for a wrestling website right? The kind that contains news-stories from around the wrestling globe?
But hey, guess what Craig? You’re not alone in thinking I can’t read the main page of this website, Scott Sumner is also concerned for my eyesight.
Please, for the love of God, if you’re going to do a column about idiots, research your pro-wrestling first! I literally shook my head when I read the words “The IWGP isn’t going to let their champion lose on someone else’s PPV”. Really Rob? The IWGP? There’s 2 huge, glaring errors in that statement.
1. The IWGP isn’t a wrestling promotion or even an organization. The IWGP is just the name of New Japan Pro Wrestling’s heavyweight, tag, and junior heavyweight titles.. Just like how All Japan’s world title is called the Triple Crown, and Pro Wrestling NOAH calls all of their belts GHC (Global Honored Crown) titles. Japan typically doesn’t name their titles after the promotion that the belts belong to.
2. Remember how I said that the IWGP title is New Japan’s belt? I’m sure you heard about how Angle won that belt from Brock Lesnar. I’m sure you heard about all the controversy surrounding Brock holding the IWGP title. He won it in NJPW, and then left. NJPW created a NEW IWGP belt, and crowned a new champion (Hiroshi Tanahashi). Lesnar was named the first champion of Antonio Inoki’s new promotion IGF. IGF is calling the title that Lesnar held the “IWGP 3rd Belt” and it’s causing a huge stir in Japan. Angle won the belt, and that’s the title that he’s carrying around in TNA. Anyway, IGF is a brand new promotion, with only 1 show under their belt I believe…the possibility of them letting Angle defend and lose the belt in TNA is VERY realistic. IGF is NOT an established promotion like TNA, and Inoki has probably given TNA permission to let Angle defend the belt and lose it to anybody, as long as they can make appearances in Japan.
Now, I’m by no means a wrestling encyclopedia, hell I may have even had some errors in all of that up there, but please…if you’re going to call people idiots, don’t make yourself look like one in the process.
Y’see, when you got your information from this website and then write to people who work for this website to inform them of the information you read upon said website, guess what? It’s a pretty freakin’ solid bet they already know. I left out the contention and controversy surrounding the IWGP championship because it was completely irrelevant to my point, needlessly complicated and would only serve to confuse non-Japanese fluent wrestling fans in a column not about Japanese wrestling.
Also Scott Sumner falls into the trap of calling me an Idiot just like the other 1,000 people a week who all think it’s very original. And so of course Scott loses 575 Idiot Points. Unlucky Scott. I’m afraid that drastically alters you score by putting you on…621 Idiot Points.
Daniel Creasy thinks I’m awesome. Pay attention people. He’s not wrong.
Rob, I wanted to drop a line and tell you how much I agree with you. I didn’t rent Hard Justice cause I had a feeling it was going to end up bad, and sure enough they dissapointed. You only get so many times to make someone, and I think this was the last one for Samoa Lex. Sure eventually they will give it to him, no doubt due to some over booked fiasco with 10 run ins, 3 knocked out reffs, 2 guitar shots, and Pacman Jones doing the 3 count. God I hope Vince Russo doesn’t read that. I’m downright pissed, I’ve written to 4 other columns, and I’m still pissed. So I am officially done with TNA, I didn’t watch tonight, and I won’t watch again for a long time. They can kiss my ass. I think I will pay attention to the spoilers and see if AJ or Daniels has a good match, but otherwise I’m done. WWE pisses me off, TNA pisses me off, what is a wrestilng fan to do? Maybe I’ll check out ROH, I see they have video stuff on their website, but there is just something about sitting down every week to watch wrestling. Anyways, I read your column every week and like it, so keep up the good work.
ToNyRimS has an unexplainable name. Seriously, what kind of explanation could there be for a name like that?
Dude, Many Props to this week Bashing of TNA, but now you should Finish the job ,Put them in the graveyard, as far as I’m Concern ROH is now the number 2 Wrestling Fed. in this Country.
They are Cutting people off their Roster now not only to pay for a non Wrestling Pacman Jones, but now Sign Brock Lesnar, HAHAHAHAHAHA. Do the ass Monkeys at TNA even notice that Samoa Joe’s contract is up and that they don’t have any type of money to get into a Bidding war with the WWE, and how stupid they will look if Joe wins his Major World Championship on WWE Television?
Signing Brock is going to be TNA’s version or WCW”S Bret Hart Deal, the millions of Viewers Bret pulled in those first couple of Months was nothing compared to Losing Benoit, Guerrero to the Enemy. TNA’s 2008 Main Event Scene might be Brock, Angle, Abyss, Christian, Chris Harris, and Test? Holy Crap TNA is dead and they don’t even know it, wait that’s the Answer Vince Russo is not writing for TNA, it’s M. Night Shyamalan, I fucking Get it now.
Keep doing Fantastic Writing
I really love the idea that Russo is M. Night Shyamalan. Which one of them has the better career these days? Although I doubt they’ll be any kind of bidding war with WWE over Joe. I don’t think the E care much for Joe or his look, and with Umaga already on the pay-scale I doubt we’ll ever get a modern-day LOD/Demolition face-off between Joe/Umaga.
We finish up this week with the thoughts of Regular Idiot Contributor and esteemed wrestling mind E. E. Jacobsen on last week’s Kurt Angle/TNA column.
This week I agreed with 95% of your article which is an all-time record. The only bit of decent I have against the all mighty doctrine of Rob is with Armando Estrada. I am still one of the few supporters of ECW becoming a decent brand but with the addition of Armando as GM if makes it look even more like the land of misfit gimmicks. It would have been much better if Matt Striker or as you suggested a while back JBL got the nod as GM. Ah well.
I was never a fan of this winner takes all match from the first time it was announced. My huge problems with it were as followed:
The IWGP Title was on the line.
The TNA Tag Titles was on the line in a singles match.
I had a solid point about the IWGP title but you stated it better in your column then I ever could. However, you couldn’t be suprised by that. They did the same thing in the LAX vs. Dudleyz/3D fued. Bubba and Devon sported the ECW, WCW, and WWE Tag Team Titles. TNA tried to trick the unelightened into thinking this was some fantasy unification of the four most important tag titles in history. Previous to that… Rhino set the fire to the ECW World Championship. It seems they tend to draw attention to every promotion but themselves.
I won’t bash TNA any longer out of self restrait. I will, however, offer a retro active booking suggestion to TNA in case the invent of a time machine or Doc Brown donating his Delorian. Instead of making it a 1 match with 4 titles on the line… how about a three match series. The first match X-Division Title in one of those funky X Gimmick matches. The second match is for the TNA tag titles in which both Angle and Joe choose partners. The third match of course with the TNA World Title on the line. You could have Angle sweep the matches if they so desperately wanted to have him as Superman… or here’s a idea have Angle win the X-Title and Tag titles but lose the World Title.
Alas, TNA is in the shitter right now. We just have to place bets on when they’ll fold.
$15 on April 12.
