Cut To The Crap 9.14.07: Fried Pig Parts, Arm Wrestling & Sable’s Mystery Wrestler

Welcome to Week 2 of Cut To The Crap, the weekly look at pro wrestling most horrible moments, whether it’s bad matches, gimmicks, angles or just something completely stupid.

First things first, thanks very much for the feedback on the column from everyone who’s e-mailed. Comments both positive and negative have been hugely appreciated. I haven’t had time to reply to them unfortunately due to college taking up a good deal of my time, but I will say that I have read them all and do appreciate them all. Remember to keep sending feedback as it will help me improve my column in future weeks.

One thing I must state though is this. I’ve received a few e-mails saying that I’m coming across like a poor man’s Wrestlecrap. Well, that’s pretty much what I am at this time. I could never match RD in terms of what he’s been able to do with Wrestlecrap. After all, he’s been writing on the subject for years now. Rather, I’m trying to bring some of that magic to 411 with my column (and failing miserably), and I hope that my readers are at least getting some enjoyment out of this column. I will get better over time, and bare in mind that this is my first ever wrestling column, not to mention I’m not yet into a groove, but give me time and I’m sure you’ll enjoy my column a lot more.

So again, I expect your anxiously awaiting my three items for this week (or not as the case may be). So now let’s Cut To The Crap.

Crappy Moment Number One: Uncle Elmer’s Fried Pig Parts
For those who don’t remember, Uncle Elmer was the uncle of the WWF’s own hillbilly, Hillbilly Jim. And there’s a lot that can be covered with those two characters another time, but I’ll start with this one.

The skit in question is from Saturday Night’s Main Event back on May 1st 1986. On this particular show we are set to see a ‘Battle Of The Big Boys’ between King Kong Bundy and Uncle Elmer. And in order to get to hype the match, what do we get: why an official weigh-in of course. Because we must find out how fat, oh I’m sorry, I mean how big these two really are.

First to go is King Kong Bundy, with his manager Bobby Heenan. Bobby was just there to make sure everything was on the up and up, although I think I disagree when he said that “nobody comes any faster than King Kong Bundy”. And he tips in at a whopping 468lbs. So he is quite fat, erm I mean big.

Next up is his opponent Uncle Elmer, who seems to be enjoying what he’s eating. Well he would: after all he is eating a big bucket of Uncle Elmer’s Fried Pig Parts. What part of the pigs it is that are actually fried I don’t know, but still, they sound like a healthy and appetising snack for any hillbilly.

And while he’s filling his face there’s still that weigh-in to happen. Mean Gene, kind man that he is, offers to take the pig parts from him until he’s finished the weigh-in. But that’s not good enough for Elmer, who is not going to let his pig parts be taken by some interviewer, so he has to do the weigh in while holding the pig parts. Even though that might, you know, add extra weight.

But surprise surprise it didn’t. He only weighed in at 430lbs. And then Bobby Heenan sums up this whole segment perfectly:

“It just goes to show you, you take 200 pounds of manure, 200 pounds of cellulite and 30 pounds of fried pig parts and you get the biggest hillbilly living in the world today.”

While I couldn’t find a Youtube video of this particular classic moment, I do have a video of this classic one from 1985 where Uncle Elmer got married:

So crappy moment number one is finished, so let’s head to our next item.

Crappy Moment Number Two: Arm Wrestling: Paul E vs Missy Hyatt
I don’t know where arm wrestling originated from, but for me, while it is a form of wrestling, I feel it very rarely has a place in a pro wrestling ring. I’m sure some people will disagree with me, since I’m sure it has had it’s moments in wrestling in the past. But this segment from Clash Of The Champions 14 seeing future ECW owner Paul Heyman (at this time still know as Paul E Dangerously) taking on WCW’s lady of wrestling (at the time) Missy Hyatt.

Jim Ross admits before we start that this may not be quite as intense as the main event (which would see Ric Flair defending his WCW Title against Scott Steiner). Of course we didn’t get any explanations as to why this was happening before the match, instead we just head to the ring.

Who’s our special ring announcer: why Rhubarb Jones of course. He apparently has twice been voted Billboard Magazine DJ Of The Year, but due to me being British I have no idea who he is. Of course I’m sure he is famous, so if someone could give me more info on him then I’d appreciate it.

Anyway to the arm wrestling. Paul E is out first, looking ‘jacked’ and throwing off his pink ring jacket to prove it. Missy Hyatt then comes out to much fanfair.

Now what’s my big problem with arm wrestling you might ask. Well, while pro wrestling is scripted, I seems to find something wrong with scripting an unfake sport within a fake sport. But that’s besides the point. Paul E and Missy prepare to arm wrestle, and suddenly Missy pins Paul E’s hand to the table. Even though we hadn’t started yet and Paul E wasn’t ready. This must be the worst screwjob since Montreal (yes I know that hadn’t happened yet).

Paul E seems a bit displeased, and has to rub his eyes to make sure he isn’t dreaming. And it seems that Paul E had his eyes on something else as the replays show he was staring down Missy Hyatt’s shirt. To quote Dusty Rhodes “He let all of mankind down”. I quite agree.

And now it’s our final crappy moment for this weeks’ column: Crappy Moment Number Three

Crappy Moment Number Three: Sable’s Mystery Wrestler: Sable
This happened at Over The Edge 1998, as a feud was now breaking out between Marc Mero and his former manager Sable, after Mero had typically held Sable back when she had gotten more over then he had. So their feud was set up for a match at Over The Edge where Marc Mero would face a mystery wrestler of Sable’s choosing. This match also had a big stipulation: if Sable’s mystery wrestler won, then Sable was free of Mero forever, but if Mero won then Sable was gone from the WWF forever. Seeing as Sable was WWE’s biggest female asset at the time, the result hardly seemed in doubt. Or could it?

Our hype shows us that Mero did indeed say what I said above. One thing to note though: Mero clearly says without the help of Sable. Let’s bring that up later on.

To the ‘match’, and Mero comes out looking confident. And Sable, well she seems to be wearing less than usual. Not that I would be surprised, but it seems like she’s almost wearing wrestling gear. Surely she’s not planning to step into the ring tonight. That would just be silly after all wouldn’t it. Right?

Mero seems a bit puzzled, so he has “Where’s your knight in shining armour.” and “Who did you manipulate”, but it seems that Sable is going to wrestle him herself. Then Marc decides to state the obvious: “You must really hate me”.

So then Marc Mero decides to try and reasons with Sable, but it seems that the crowd know that something’s fishy He then decides that it would be best to give Sable her freedom, so he has the timekeeper ring the bell, and he lies down in the middle of the ring. Can you see where this one’s going.

So Sable, not seeing anything wrong with the situation, goes for the pin…..then Mero reverses, 1-2-3. It’s over. Marc Mero wins, and it’s goodbye to Sable. The crowd are furious, as Mero celebrates, and tells Sable to get the hell out of the WWF.

Sable gives an interview backstage, saying that she couldn’t believe Marc could stoop so low, thank the fans for their support and leaving for good. Only to return not too far into the future. Then again, that’s what you’d expect when you know who is writing.

Of course, while Sable was gone temporarily, she was soon back and we all know what happened after that. Sable went on to massive popularity while Mero’s career floundered. Both ultimately ended up leaving the WWF, although Sable made a brief return in 2003-04.

And now that the crap has been wiped under the mat, here are a few of my thoughts on the world of wrestling this week (though again mainly ROH related).

My Thoughts
I’ve been hearing rumours that an ROH TV deal is in the pipeline on the ROH Message Board. I’ll e taking this with a pinch of salt, but recently I did read on another reputable wrestling news site that they were negotiating something big that will give the company huge exposure. A TV deal would fit the bill in this case. But I’ll believe it when I see it.

I just watched the two ROH Japan shows and I highly enjoyed both of them. I put the Tokyo show slightly ahead of the Osaka show, so if you buy just one then get that. However both shows are well worth getting, as they are a unique set of shows with some big matches that you simply won’t see elsewhere. My match of that weekend would have to be either the Danielson/Shiozaki or McGuinness/Morishima match, as both were fantastic matches worthy of being on these shows.

As far as future DVD reviews go, I have some different stuff lined up now, mainly two PWG show followed by some other indy shows from various promotions. I’ll be posted in the coming weeks so make sure to keep an eye on my reviews.

Anyway, that wraps up my column for this week. Tune in next week for three more craptacular moments in wrestling history, including Booker T screwing up a promo, Bart Gunn vs Butterbean in the Brawl For All and Kane showing off his amazing superpowers.

And don’t forget to send that feedback. I do read it and I enjoy getting it so please, take a second to give me your thoughts.